Angry at Ex-Husband. SOme things never go away.

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by Blonde Logic, 25 October 2008 Social URL.

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  1. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    My ex husband, who I was with for 15 years, and I, have managed to remain friendly and keep in contact by occassional email. (we were always better friends then spouses-and even though it was a bad marraige - it was still a significant part of my life - I didn;t want to just toss it all in the toilet...so keeping in touch and stuff was important to me.)

    Well, those ofyou that have read my diary know he caused me a lot of pain. He deceived me about the reasons we weren;t having children - he lied - and now for other reasons, I cannot have children. He took the choice away. That was a biggie.

    But what he also did, was made it perfectly clear early on in our marraige, the amount of love and affection I received from him was dependant on my size. He knew nothing of unconditional love. Nothing. When I weighed 9 stone - a stone and a half lighter then I am now - he told me he would be nice to me when I wasn;t so fat.

    That was the day I bit off my nose to spite my face, and began the uphill climb and put on the 130 pounds I have just lost. I don't blame him - it was my hand that shoved the food in my mouth - but his hadn was in there too. He just could not accept me as I was- nevermind I was faithful, far too loyal, blah blah blah. Yet I accepted dealing with his Tourette SYndrom and the fact that he was a closet tranny. (have not shared that yet.....but that was a veryyyy difficult thing for me to discover and deal with. but, sickness and health, etc....I did try.) So I accepted him. But I was never good enough.

    Anyway. He KNEW how much my weight hurt me, inside and out. He KNEW how miserable I was. For 13 years he watched me struggle, try, fail, try again, etc. Never with an ounce of encouragement or support. B*astard.

    Well, he sent me an email 2 weeks ago sharing that he had just got his pilot license and done his first solo flight - something he had longed to do his while life. I was thrilled for him, and sent him an email saying so. Hearty congrats and all. I also sent him a NOW picture or two of me.

    Today I received his reply. A stupid political joke about Obama. Not one word - not an ounce of acknowledgement.

    It made me so cross.

    So, I slipped into child mode, and sent him this reply:

    "Hmmm., I sent you a pretty exciting email - that I had finally accomplished something that ruined 25 years of my life, caused me endless days of pain and unhappiness: the news that I made my goal and lost the 130 pounds I put on, or started to put on the day in the kitchen on Georgia Court when you told me you would be nice to me when I wasn't fat (nevermind I weighed 20 pounds less then I do now, and I am in a size 10/12 now-hardly fat) - you do know don;t you, that those words sent me on a massive downwards spiral, right? And stayed with me for years, right? And hurt more then a knife??.....and you don;t even say congratulations. I don;t at this stage expect an apology - but a congratulations wouldn't have gone amiss. But instead you just send me some stupid political joke.


    I don't know......if I was there I think I'd have to give you a slap."


    I know it was perhaps childish to respond that way. But since 1987, I have never called him on that. It has been inside - I have never ever forgot the feeling that day. ITs as if it happened just 2 minutes ago.

    So, it did feel good to say something.

    Was I wrong??

    The good news is - food has not even crossed my mind. There is nothing that would taste as good as telling him off felt.

    I wonder if those feelings will ever go away, or if part of me will always be a little hurt and angry at his unkind comments.
     
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  3. IreneH

    IreneH Gold Member

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    You have got it off your chest and that is very important.

    Irene xx
     
  4. lynnwilliams

    lynnwilliams Silver Member

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    Oh Bl, thats terrible that he made you feel the way you did, you are right in reply with that email, that is just selfish on his part. You have worked very hard to get where you are now, and even if he dont compliment you, we here on LL will!
    You are such an inspriration to us all, and your gorgeous pictures do really keep us going and your encouraging words.

    Shame we cant all send him an email to tell him all this, and that you have been a role model for us!
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
     
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  5. dietingqueen

    dietingqueen Gold Member

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    well done hun.... you've come far since 1987!!!!!!!!!! i think u did the right thing sending him that email, cos if you didnt it wud have bugged ya x

    love nas
     
  6. spooky

    spooky Banned

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    I should think, after reading that and excerpts of your diary, you have every right to be narked with him. I am glad for you that you found you did not need to turn to food. :)
     
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  7. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Thanks everyone. It is still a bit of a bitter pill, if I am honest. It doesn't sit in the forfront of my head - my marraige/divorce - but it is still in there. Theres not enough time in the world to explain it all - but lets just say, between his inability to show love, and his entire family who stepped off the set of Desperate Housewives (I'm not joking - there are pyromaniacs, jailbirds, alcoholics, etc., in his family who all also made my life a living hell. I slept with a .22 handgun next to my bed at all times out of fear of his brother ....it was dreadful)....they made me suffer in many ways that I was never ever accustomed to. Not remotely like the family I was raised in!!

    ANyway - it still bothers me. <sigh> And I am still angry I think at his deception. To choose a hysterectomy based on someones lies - well - you just don;t really get over that easily, do you?

    SO yes - it did feel good to get off my chest, and it was perhaps impulsive LS. Maybe it is opening the gateway in order for me to properly tell him how he made me feel, and what harm it did. If nothing else, might spare someone else - like his new wife - from getting cut to the heart.

    Hey ho. I do feel better though. :)

    Thanks. XXX
     
  8. SerenityValley

    SerenityValley Surgically happy.

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    I am glad you called him on it and gave him both barrels but I also want to remind you, that you do not need his approval, his comments or compliments. At no point does his opinion define you. You're bloody gorgeous and he is clearly no more worthy of you than he was then.

    That said, I understand - we all need people to say "wow", and we all need people to validate us somewhat - but his lack of response does not invalidate you. If anything, it underlines just how far you've come because I am sure it hurt you far far more at the time, than it did this time.

    You are one of the people here who I look at and remind myself of how much *I* can achieve.

    Huge *huggles* and I hope that getting it off your chest has helped.
     
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  9. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    <happily stepping into rebellious child mode> WEll - his email address is fre.....<SNAP! Quickly jumps out of RC mode!> Phew! :D That was close!!!! hahahaha

    Nice one LYnn.. Thank you.

    XX
     
  10. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Oh thank you ANdy - really wise words you speak. Thank you so much. I do "know" I don;t need his approval - at an adult level. But I think there is part of me that wants him to see, adn think, "oh - maybe it WAS me that made her so unhappy". JUst childish revenge on my part - he took so much from me - he took my spark, my spirit. And it's only come back this year through this diet. Thats years and years where I was a broken woman inside after his words. People don;t realise how sharp words can be, and the lasting effect they can have.

    Its a mixes bag....I also wanted him to be happy for me. BUt you are right. It does not change anything one way or another. Its just me wanting a little satisfaction. I left the marraige - and I felt so bad for doing so....I felt so guilty I told him. "Here honey - you keep the house and the boat and the dogs - I'll take ALL the debt and be on my way." And thats how I left him. I only paid off the debt about 3 or 4 years ago. While he trotted off happily with nearly a 100% return on the house. .....wait...stop this.

    What am I doing?? Why am I rehashing all this???

    Ugh. Stuff. Always there, ay? At least as I am rehashing all this, I feel nothing. Not really. Just a niggling annoyance at his ignorance really - but I am not ANGRY angry....and I am smiling - so I know I have dealt with it really - just left over residue I guess.

    I best stop now.

    I did notice about 2 weeks into RTM that a lot of old stuff has re-surfaced - but in a much different way. SO maybe I am just re-working and fine tuning the work I have done so far.

    If that makes ANY sense at all. I know what I mean. :D

    Thank you again. Your post helped a lot.

    xxx
     
  11. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Thank you Spooky. :) And you too DietingQueen. :)

    Its strange - there have been a few big kind of emotional stuff the past few weeks, and its an odd feeling not to immediately run to the fridge. Or to even WANT to run to the fridge.

    Long may that last. Pleaseee!!!!! :D
     
  12. SerenityValley

    SerenityValley Surgically happy.

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    *lots more huggles*

    It is wonderful to se that spirit and spark back.

    The things that hurt us deeply, are always there in some fashion, but as you're demonstrating - you've taken all that pain and hurt, and downgraded it to annoyance, We always have the occasional blip (I spent most of my life in self imposed isolation - no one put me there, but I certainly understand losing that spark, that will - and I also understand taking it back - I have been taking it back for the last year and it's wonderful).

    xxx
     
  13. wombat

    wombat Full Member

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    Can I just wake up thin tomorrow, please?
    (hugs)

    I am suprised that after all you went throught with him you even are talking to him. Just shows what an amazing person you are! You had all the rights to be cross and it is always better to get it off your chest then keeping your anger inside.
     
  14. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Well whaddaya know. A reply.... :D :

    "congratssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    sorry bout that, i opened the email heading out the door and figured i'd respond later, then later on i thought had, guess i got mixed up with the one i sent below, ooooopppssss ! yep, i've said a lot of stupid **** over the years to lots of people, that was a pretty angry time back then for us, caused mainly by my family ! hindsight is always 20/20 .


    you & Chas have done very well [​IMG] goooooo team"


    Glad I said something now. This is new for me - to speak up and say things that might be controversial. I'm getting braver in my old age!!
     
  15. SerenityValley

    SerenityValley Surgically happy.

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    I am glad you did say something, and he has at least partially accepted responsability.

    You are getting braver - I've noticed that with a lot of overweight people (myself especially) that we often just take it - we don't stand up for ourselves, we don't look after our needs, etc. I don't think being overweight necessarily causes that but if someone is low on self-esteem, they're more likely to become overweight.

    But anyway, you're not overweight anymore, and I love the new pic :)
     
  16. minime

    minime Gold Member

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    Good for you telling him, glad he responded, just shows how easy it is for us to build things up, but to others it hardly means a thing. Good on you working through it.
     
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  17. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Thanks guys. I appreciate your support and understanding. It is a bit silly of me - but I suppose in a way - since he spoke ALL the words in our marraige - I wanted to have a "last" one.

    Andy - I let people walk all over me before - I just swallowed my feelings - metaphorically and physicially - if anyone upset me...and it was indeed from low self - esteem. I felt my opinions were not worthy because I was so fat, no one would care or even listen. I also did not want to do anything that drew attention to myself because I was certain they would respond with "she's fat - what does she know/matter". It's horrible we can feel that way about ourselves! Still makes me sad to think how many times I felt that way. What a waste!

    But now as my confidence comes back - and I am getting brave and believing in myself, while I still need to push myself - it is getting easier.

    Thanks LS> No, he has the ability for empathy - just not the skill. In partial fairness to him - he was raised in a house with an extreeeeeeeeeemly heartless woman for a mother. There was no love among them. Still isn't. BUT - he is an ADULT, and does know the difference between right and wrong. So he cannot be excused that easily. It is all very compicated,as those things are. There are many many reasons I should hate him. But, there are also many many reasons why I don't.

    But - I just wanted to prove to him I guess, that I am not the "loser" he thought I was. I am the LOSER I am now!! The slim one. :D Plus - now he can see I look 10 years younger then his new wifey. heheheheh :D Kind of kiddingf aabout that part. Kind of. :)

    THanks again for your comments. It's been helpful. I guess some of our teenage tendancies and the desire to prove our worthiness never really go away.

    XX
     
  18. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Thanks LS. We both know it now-me and my inner teenager. :) Just getting used to letting the rest of the world know it too!! :D

    XX
     
  19. MissCampbell

    MissCampbell Full Member

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    You look amazing BL ;0)
    I think airing your frustration/anger/sense of hurt etc is positive then it's OUT and not tucked away inside festering away and bringing you down. Stress harms us, so release it, let it go, march forward as a lovely beautiful women and put this sad time behind you inthe past where it belongs.
    You are an amazing women, enjoy your life now.
    Big hug
    Janex
     
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  20. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    Why didn't I see this thread earlier?

    How strange BL. I've been posting on here for the past 2 days and didn't catch this thread.
    I know some of this situation with your ex and can relate to a lot of it.
    I hope you have laid (sorry,wrong word!!)
    his ghost now. I know that part of your life history was one of the main reasons for the LL journey and success you are now enjoying.
    I'm sure there will always be a part of you which retains those mixed emotions you feel about/towards him, but believe me they will fade and get calmer.
    In my case 35 years and still counting........so it never goes away, it just hurts a bit less.
    But - the BIGGY - is that you are not going to let it sabotage the rest of your life.
    Fantastic achievement.:superwoman:
     
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  21. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Thanks SB. :) I've been surprised how so many things have kind of resurfaced at the latter stage of the diet! Was not expecting that - but find it so very interesting that my reactions and feelings that come up with them again are so so different from them this time last year, and all 20+ years before.

    It really does show that our heads DO change. Maybe not our hearts so much - but our heads. It's very empowering to be re-living some things and seeing that they are not triggering a desire to eat. At all.

    Very comforting that. :)

    (And I have laid his ghost before - lol - always seemed like a ghost anyway. ;) :giggle:) BUt now, it's being laid to rest. Stage by stage.

    <hugs> :sign0168:too!

    xx
     
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