Behind Blue Eyes

Discussion in 'Weight Loss Diaries' started by BehindBlueEyes, 21 May 2011 Social URL.

  1. BehindBlueEyes

    BehindBlueEyes Member

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    Hello.
    My name is Blue and this is my diary.
    I thought I’d start by introducing myself, writing about why I’m here, what my goals are, who I am.
    I’m 25 and I’m morbidly obese. I suffer from depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues. I’ve been taking anti-depressants on and off for almost a year now and during that time I’ve gained a lot of weight due to comfort eating and lack of exercise. I realised this week that if I’m ever going to get better, I need to try and work something out. I’m on a waiting list for counselling, but in the mean time the least I can do it try to fix my diet and get some exercise. It’s a step in the right direction at least.
    Armed with a sense of self-empowerment and determination, I looked through my options and decided how I wanted to approach this. Over the last four years I’ve been trying to lose weight and have tried a number of diets and I decided that the last thing I needed this time around was a diet plan. I need to change my eating routine, I need to establish a healthy, balanced diet. Now I’m the first to admit to being confused by all the conflicting dietary advice out there, I think I’ve got to the point where I’ve tried so many diets that I just don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong any more. So I’m going to be loosely following the Gi diet which prescribes lots of fruit, veg, protein and wholewheat carbs. Sounds pretty healthy to me.
    I’ve also bought myself some workout clothes that fit so I can start going to the gym again. I’m intending to start with twice a week and gradually build it up. I don’t see the point in going all-out when I know it’ll just end up in a burn-out.
    My number one rule, my biggest promise to myself is that I’m going to go easy on myself. I’m doing this to improve my health, not punish myself. I’m not even doing this to lose weight. My priority is to be healthy and happy. I’m not going to weight myself, I’m not going to write down every morsel of food I eat, I’m not going to be mad at myself for wanting chocolate, or even eating a bit. I’m going to enjoy it. All I can do is try my best and that’s all I’m asking of myself. I’m saying no to perfection, to 100% and yes to real life, to reality, to accepting mistakes and getting on with it regardless.
    So right now I sound buzzed, right? I have that pre-diet optimism (even though it’s not actually a diet) that you get when you’ve cleared out the kitchen cupboards, stocked up on all the right foods and you've successfully made (and enjoyed) your first meal. When you’re full of determination and the feeling you’re unbeatable, that this time is the last time, the first day of a new life yadayadayada. But the reason I’m sat here writing this is because I know that that feeling will fade and I need something to keep me focused, I need an outlet. I need something to constantly remind me how important this actually is.
    It's my mental health...It’s my health...It’s my life.
     
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  3. Barb

    Barb Gold Member

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    HI BBE and welcome to Minimins. You sound like you have had and are having a tough time but are desperately keen to do what you can for yourself to improve things. Good for you, it won't be easy but you know that. Your goals are bang on, it is about your health and feeling better, not about dropping a dress size or two.

    The joy of coming on here is sharing with people who truly understand at least some aspects of what you are working to achieve. They understand when you feel up and also when you feel down. There is good practical advice to be had and lots of interesting facts to discover. The success threads are worth a visit when you need inspiration and taking a good luck through other peoples diaries is very worthwhile too.

    I wish you all the luck in the world with your new plan and hope to meet up with you on here regularly!
     
  4. BehindBlueEyes

    BehindBlueEyes Member

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    Aww thanks for the warm welcome Barb!

    Yesterday went quite well, I thought. I managed three healthy, fruit and veg-filled meals.

    I did munch on a few biscuits in the afternoon and the old dieter in me was furious, but I just swept it under the carpet and moved on. After all, there's no use crying over spilt milk - you just have to clean it up and get on with your life, right?

    I can't promise that I'm never going to feel guilty when I indulge in a few biccies or a bit of choc, but what I can try to do is keep it in perspective. In the grand scheme of things it's not the end of the world.

    Part of the reason why I'm here is because I want to redress my negative relationship with food. I'm the archetypal comfort eater: for me, food = love. It's been like that for as long as I can remember. I used to blame my parents for making me this way, for somehow training me to associate food with love and comfort and care. But I realised that, in reality, it's my responsibility to sort it out - I'm a big girl and I can't spend my life blaming everything and everyone else for my faults.

    In the long term I want to break that relationship and start to see food as what it really is - fuel. I know it's not going to happen overnight and that it's going to be hard, after all I'm aiming to break a habit of a lifetime. But I also know that I need to do this.

    I've just resolved to take everything one step at a time, one day at a time.
     
  5. Barb

    Barb Gold Member

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    Good attitude, if you beat yourself up for every slip you will get nowhere. Beside it's not a few biccies that have done the damage, it's making it seem a big deal that has. Then all the negative thoughts come piling in and the next thing you know another diet has bitten the dust. Least that is how it is with me.

    I am trying to really pat myself on the back for every triumph - even the smallest thing, like resisting an after dinner choc in a restaurant. It's all the little triumphs that will add up into a permanent change of habits and a fantastic end result.

    Well done on all the healthy stuff, you deserve good food and must enjoy what you have. All the thinsg you say make good sense, you are on your way.
     
  6. BehindBlueEyes

    BehindBlueEyes Member

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    Yesterday was definitely not a good day foodwise due to a bit of a binge in the afternoon. But it's over, it's done with, it's forgotten.

    Yesterday night, I prepared all today's food for work: salad, fruit salad, carrot and hummus. So they're ready just to pop in a bag. It's all good.

    I'm going to make a quorn and mixed veg lasagne when I get home tonight and I'll be able to freeze half for one night next week.

    Well, this was only a quick entry - I should go get ready for work.
     
  7. Barb

    Barb Gold Member

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    Hi Blue

    organisation definitely helps a lot. That is something i am trying to improve on. I am also prioritising myself as much as possible. As a Mum of 4 (2 still at home) demanding work (2 businesses - 38 staff) I find I often slip to the bottom of the list. Not anymore. I am sticking up for myself and my needs. It's hard at times but I am determined.

    I hope you have a good day, enjoy your healthy eating and pop back here after work.
     
  8. Bubblesgalore

    Bubblesgalore Full Member

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    Hi BehindBlueEyes,
    Just wanted to say hello!
    Good for you for starting on this journey and you will get there Im sure of it.
    such a great attitude to just put any binges etc behind you and not make it the end of your new way of life. Just forget and move on and you will get there.
    I look forward to reading your updates!
    x
     
  9. BehindBlueEyes

    BehindBlueEyes Member

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    So yesterday went reasonably well I felt. I was stressed to hell at work - it was one of those days where everyone wants something from you and I didn't stop all day.
    To top that I was having what I call a "down day" - one of those days when the depressive feelings are bubbling at the surface - and was feeling really anxious and paranoid.
    I successfully avoided calling in at one of the shops on the station to buy binge food, which is a bad habit of mine. So go me! I'm quite proud of that because I did really feel like comfort eating.
    On the down side, when I got home I was so exhausted I didn't cook as I'd planned and ended up having a slice of granary toast, a bowl of fruit (strawberries, cherries and red grapes) and a low fat yoghurt... and then half a bar of Green & Blacks Dark Chocolate left over from Easter.

    I guess it's definitely better than what I would have done in the past... on a night like that I would have had a pack of cakes or biscuits (bought in station), a sandwich and a bag of crisps and the chocolate. So it's definitely an improvement. No way I'm beating myself up over improving - I'm not expecting to be perfect.

    Because I was so exhausted last night I didn't make lunch today, but I did make sure I got up early to do it this morning. So again today, I'm tucking into a nice healthy breakfast and have two healthy snacks and a lovely healthy lunch ready for work. I've also got dinner out to defrost - chicken with stir fried med veg and wholewheat pasta tonight.

    I'm going to try and get out of work at a reasonable time so I'm not too tired to cook. Oh and I'm not going to come home and do some more work from home either!!!
     
  10. lookingforme

    lookingforme Wnats to feel ALIVE again

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    Blue Eyes
    You remind me of myslef soooo much.
    You can do this!
    It took me almost 3 weeks to get with the idea and i was all over the place. it was as if my subconciouse just didnt want to play ball. So i kept on logging in here posting daily and without this place i wouldnt of carried on.
    The Towel would have well nd truly been thrown in more than once.

    You have done the best thing..told your self its for health and not societies expectations and that you can do it slowly there is no rush.

    I say we can be the same in 5 years tome or we can change in 5 years time. Ive lost 3 stone over a few years, its so nice to not pressurise your self , and your 25 very lucky lots of energy and years ahead.
    You are going to love your results and your goals will give you so much self empowerment that you will want to contine.

    Try to work out what stages are comfortable for you to reach, I have often changed mine as i go along as its a journey we can not dictate all the way.

    One mistake i made was to place a goal with a date then if i missed that date, it ate into the next date I was always failing.
    Now I have an open book with goals, as long as i know i am doing right by my body they will all come in eventualy.

    We all have are down days but Minimins knock them off the path.

    Best of luck hunnie :)
     
    Barb likes this.
  11. Barb

    Barb Gold Member

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    You are sounding good Blue, one day at a time. It is such a cliche but really, they all add up and before you know it, good habits will have settled in and a steady weight loss will be yours.
     
  12. BehindBlueEyes

    BehindBlueEyes Member

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    I am really proud of myself today - had another nightmare day at work. Really, seriously wanted to binge - I just felt like crying and my instinct when I feel bad is to eat.
    I have a desk job and so it's really easy to walk out of the office at lunch, come back with a bag full of choclate and sit munching all afternoon.
    I did have some chocolate - but only a little bit and I've come home and cooked a nice healthy meal. I'm quite happy with that because this time last week I would have stopped off at the shop on the way home and bought a pizza.

    It's all about the baby steps. :)
     
  13. BehindBlueEyes

    BehindBlueEyes Member

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    Yesterday was an absolute, unmitigatedly stress-filled day. I was at work for just over 10 hours (I'm contracted for 7.5), came home and had some tea and then did another 30 mins.

    I was so stressed I sat at my desk planning an all-out binge. I slipped up at lunch and went to the shop and bought a Mars bar and a Tolberone, both of which didn't make it past 5pm.
    Having said that, I did manage to pull myself together a little bit in the evening and resisted that full-on urge to binge. Plus I did manage a healthy breakfast and lunch (excluding the Mars bar!).

    On the whole, I'm pretty proud of myself.
     
  14. Aline

    Aline Gold Member

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    Hi Blue eyes:)

    Thank you for sharing the link to your diary! You can see mine on my signature link (but only when you reach 50 post I think).

    Congrats for resisting the urge to binge today. I know how hard it is to resist binging after a slip. You were very rational and you weren't caught on the black or white thinking, so well done;)

    Keep up the great job

    xx
     
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