BF Msgs to girl on fb

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by Rachelsilver1985, 24 October 2011 Social URL.

  1. Rachelsilver1985

    Rachelsilver1985 Full Member

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    So about a month ago I found some msgs to another girl on my bf fb. Lets just say i thought were inappropriate and I confronted him about it. First thing he said was he was so sorry and she is just a girl mate he was mucking about with, apparently they have always spoken like that to each other. He also stated he hasnt cheated on and me and never would (he got cheated on in a previous relationship and it hit him hard). Thing is im sure he knows he has done wrong but maybe its my insecurity I just cant get over the way he spoke to her it was the way he used to speak to me when we first got together. Im not gonna go into what was said, but im trying to get over it and what with me feeling insecure as im still at the beginning of my sw journey. I think im pretty but i know my body it pretty rough considering my yoyoing weight ever since I was a teenager. I did tell him about my insecurity etc. just i dont know how to get over it its still rele getting me down so much so I feel im becoming over needy emtionaly. Just dont know what to do to shake me out of it.
     
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  3. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    I can't help but wonder why you looked at his account in the first place?
    Either you believe he hasn't cheated, in which case you get over it and forget it. Or you don't, in which case you leave, or move past it (I'm guessing moving past it would be difficult based on your post - and I don't blame you in the slightest if it is). Its not fair on him, or more importantly you, to stay if you can't trust him.

    Sorry, its probably not what you wanted to hear my love.
     
  4. Rachelsilver1985

    Rachelsilver1985 Full Member

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    I understand what you say hun, but i didnt deliberatly go and snoop I went onto the computer to check my fb and I thought i was my fb as it came up with and new message and there it was. Thing is i think im quite laid back we always have always done our thing gone out etc never been possesive etc. We been together 5 years 3 1/2 of that was long distance, never once doubted him etc. He is quite playful with his mates, he has always been that way. He says he loves me, the bedroom time is great, just since we settled down in our house etc. things have calmed down thing is I got nothing to compare it too. He says he is happy etc. Just maybe after this its given my self confidence a bit a whack.

    It always good to hear other peoples opinons weather it be what I want to hear or not sometimes u need to be told.
     
  5. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    Ah - fair enough. That makes more sense to me now. I don't really know what to suggest tbh, but i hope you resolve it one way or another.

    One thing i would say is think carefully about it. About 5 years ago my OH was really really annoying me. He was being inconsiderate, and didn't seem to value me at all. I confronted him about it & bluntly told him i deserved better, so he should sort it out, or i was leaving. Sounds harsh, but it was a wake up call for him. I wasn't bluffing. I love him dearly, but i will never be treated badly by any man. This was my last straw in the same way as not doing any housework would be someone elses last straw.

    It might be that your OH terminology in his messages is your last straw, & if so i suggest you discuss this specifically with him - not the fact that he has been sending them, & see what he says.
     
  6. Rachelsilver1985

    Rachelsilver1985 Full Member

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    Thanks for the advice maybe it is just that but maybe coupled with the fact that I have been feelin a bit low which is why i started sw again. My confidence has been shot to bits with how much weight I put, slowly coming off now, can u believe I used to be a funstar at haven holidays lol
     
  7. laura4988

    laura4988 Full Member

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    Without going into detail of how or why I know exactly how your feeling right now and I know it's not as simple as do you/don't you trust him.
    12 months on from our "incident" were still together, but it has not been easy at all. It will never disappear from your mind, what you need to do is decide if you can live with that.
    Me and oh came to a huge compromise between us but we had to sit down and talk about it until we were both happy.
    He also knows I have forgiven but I'll never forget
     
  8. Tinytootz

    Tinytootz Mini crazy cat lady

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    Here comes the cloud of doom, me and my facebook thoughts!!! - Nah, only kidding :D

    Anyhoo, I was in the exact same position as you. I went on his computer, and up popped a message from this girl. I ignored it, but then took to 'monitoring' the situation, which is not healthy. It continued, I confronted him, and he said it was all her, not him, and I had nothing to worry about. The fact my self-confidence was through the floor helped him do this I suppose - me thinking I could do no better so I should just stick with it, its all in my head, bla bla. Fastforward about 18 months, I am dumped as he has been seeing her behind my back - we were together for 7.5 years.

    So I guess what I am saying is make sure you have it out with him properly, get everything aired. Explain exactly why you didn't like it, and then take it from there. If you can forget, then move onwards. Just try not to let a crack turn into niagara falls like I did. And try not to let your heart cloud your head too much

    You are a beautiful, unique person who deserves the very best in all aspects of life. Nobody deserves to live a life of doubt, mistrust and confusion. I know its easier said than done :) x
     
  9. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    Tinytootz -so eloquently put hun!
     
  10. Mrs.S.

    Mrs.S. Gold Member

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    I don't have anything to add, and I'm sorry to hear about your situation OP. You sound like you're feeling a bit rough at the minute so this is the last thing you needed.

    I just wanted to say that fb is THE biggest stupidest most hideous invention ever and life was so much better before it. Period.
     
  11. Maximus

    Maximus Gold Member

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    Again not probably what you want or need to hear, but dump him and dump facebook. I'll let you decide the order in which to dump them in.

    Leopards & spots, smoke & fire.

    My FB thoughts are not as reticent as TinyTootz's;)
     
  12. GrannieAnnie

    GrannieAnnie Silver Member

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    Totally agree with Mrs S & Max.

    Call me old fashioned but facebook & other "social networking" sites have a lot to answer for.
     
  13. Tinytootz

    Tinytootz Mini crazy cat lady

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    Very true. I detest Facebook. If I wasn't so darned nosy I would delete me.

    ....but then again, where else would I upload endless boring repetitive pictures of my cats, or amusing sign posts?!
     
  14. Jodieboo

    Jodieboo Gold Member

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    I know exactly how you feel hun. I have been in your position, and worse, with my current boyfriend.

    We have been together nearly 4 years. Within the first year he had cheated on me with someone twice my age. Drunken mistake..
    Worked through it, never forgotten, mildly forgiven.

    A few months later, a couple of facebook messages to girls. Not very happy, but worked through it.

    A year after that, he cheated again. And ended up getting the girl, my neighbour I might add, pregnant.
    We split up, for a whole MONTH?
    Tried sorting through it, moved away and girl said she was having an abortion.

    March this year we find out she hadn't and OH LOOK, here's ya daughter Craig.

    *breathe, Jodie, breathe*

    A month ago, I find pictures of a womans bits on his phone. Confronted? You damn right. Sorted through it? Mildly.

    And then yesterday, I find him sending messages to an ex asking to "clear the air". Sorting through it? No.

    There's only so much **** you can take off someone, and you will reach the end of your teather shortly.

    I gave Craig multiple chances and it has taken me nearly 4 years to realise what a twat he is.

    All I'm saying chick is leopards never change their spots. Get out while you still can and don't waste your time like I have.

    X
     
  15. Stefanie

    Stefanie Silver Member

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    This may sound harsh...so sorry but I would ditch him. He is obviously looking for either a bit of fun or a way out.

    If a man/woman wanted to cheat, they will cheat, Facebook or not - Facebook has settings to choose if you wish to be found or not, so if you don't use the settings, you leave yourself open to the old childhood sweetheart coming out the woodwork and if you can't be trusted, that's when it becomes an issue.

    I'm sorry you are feeling low, but if he really loved you, he wouldn't hurt you. Life is too short for all that *****, better guys out there xx
     
  16. Shirleen

    Shirleen Gold Member

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    Men are plonkers too! He may see this as 'harmless banter' but if it were YOU having harmless banter with another bloke he wouldn't be quite so blasé!!

    I suggest you point this out to him!

    I reckon he's got his man bits in a knot over living together, thinking his 'life' is over, I think most men go through this, the sensible ones realise that actually this us life and they chose it and so choose it again, IYSWIM?

    But don't let him get away with stuff like this, after all he wouldn't forgive you for it, men don't as a rule!
     
  17. Rachelsilver1985

    Rachelsilver1985 Full Member

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    Wow, thank you for all your kind words, I think someone hit the nail on the head thinking life is over cause of moving in etc!!!!! I think the past few days i have been on a right downer tom etc. But you kind words have helped me feel so much better about everything. I love him dearly and I honestly dont think he will do it again i believe in us and im sure he does too granted i may have a few more days feeling down about in the future but I have made the decision to just focus on us and get back on track. On a lighter note lost 3lb this week that put a massive msile on my face. Thank you all again. This forum is invaulable to me and the support is amazing. I wish i could give you all a big bear hugxxx
     
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  19. Stefanie

    Stefanie Silver Member

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    I think you already knew deep down what you were going to do and I sincerely hope it does work out for you - just don't let your low self-esteem make you a doormat or completely blind to what's going on because you "love him".

    Also, 3 pounds is fab - well done xx
     
  20. SarkeBeeley

    SarkeBeeley Member

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    I think it's really difficult. I was in a similar situation in a previous relationship and although I'm fairly confident he didn't physically cheat on me, it felt like emotionally cheating at the time. As much as this is a generalisation (which I don't like to do usually) men often don't see this kind of thing as wrong as they haven't physically done anything which is kind of true I guess. Where your boundaries are may not be the same as where his are and I doubt many people sit down at the beginning of a relationship and say ok so I think 'this' is ok but not 'that' and agree on it. I wouldn't (or would try not to anyway as I know how hard it is) jump to the conclusion that he is up to no good. I would explain how it made me feel and that it feels like an emotional betrayal. Perhaps ask how he would feel if it was the other way round as has been suggested (my ex came back at me with 'I wouldn't care as it's not cheating) and if it would bother him then this may help the situation. If it wouldn't bother him then you need to come to an agreement about what you're both willing to put up with. If after that point this kind of thing happens again then he will have no come back when you say he has been out of order.
     
  21. xMandyDx

    xMandyDx Determination is Key

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    Let me add something from the other side of the fence. I used to be totally addicted to facebook, and I'm a very flirty person. My OH and I were going through a bad patch (hardly any physical to the relationship) and I began flirting with a guy through mail on facebook.
    And gradually, those little flirty messages changed something in me, and I suspect I eventually would have cheated.
    Here's the Godsend. I left my facebook logged in and (same situation, he thought it was his facebook account and clicked into the new mail) when he read the things that were being thrown back and forth (and I can now admit, at least to myself that it was bang out of order!!) he was very hurt.
    He sat me down and asked me seriously how I'd feel if it were him sending those messages and I happened upon them. Of course, I'd be crushed. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised how absolutely hateful I was being. So I sent no more messages at all to that person. None. At all. I realised that if I continued to speak to that person, he'd flirt, and I'd flirt back and it would snowball. I might not mean to do anything wrong, but obviously I was in the wrong if I was hurting my guy.
    End of story.
    And if your guy doesn't realise the same thing, and stop sending those types of messages, then get rid. Simple as. If he values his flirty messages with some friend more than he values your good opinion or your feelings, then he's not worth being with.

    All relationships need give and take. I think it's time for him to give you peace of mind and take the flirtiness out of the messages.

    Good luck x
     
  22. Maximus

    Maximus Gold Member

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    I would agree all relationships need give and take, but by the same token, NONE of them NEED Facebook or other social networks. None of them.

    All I hear at work is x said this in facebook y is seeing someone off facebook etc. sounds like an antisocial network to me.
     
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