BL's Reinvention of the Reinvented

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by Blonde Logic, 19 November 2010 Social URL.

  1. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Hi everyone.

    I hope everyone is well - I am not caught up on posts at all yet. I lost my laptop, so online time for me is pretty restricted to sneaky posts at work, or when my hubby is not using his, I can hop on here.

    Life has been kind of nuts this year. I can hardly beleive it has been 6 months since my mother died. I have been on quite a roller coaster ride, or a merry go round - it's either up and down or spinning in circles. But I think, I am pretty certain I have come out of the dark part of it all. After 6 weeks off of work, I have been back for a couple of months now, and it is going well.

    The 6 month waiting period ended, and I now have my moms dog Muffin here in England with me. It was wonderful, the weeks before she got here to have had something to look forward too. It was the first good thing in nearly 8 or 9 months. Having her here is magic. Pure magic. I love her to bits - to the extreme - she is such a special little dog. She is settling in beautifully, and I think she is happy to be with us. She has been through so much.

    The grief counseling was a very good thing to do - I do not think I would be feeling as much better as I am without it. And the medication. I finally feel the worst is over.

    My OH has been the most amazing support and has done so much to help through all of this, including two solo trips to the USA to move ALL of moms furniture, 6 hours away - 3 or 4 12 hour roundtrips, and managing mostly on his own - and then the trip to get Muffin. It made me realise - what I feared so much about now having lost both my parents is that I would feel alone. But he has been so amazing, I realised I am never alone and he is my family now. In a different way then before moms death.

    So, that is the good news.

    The bad news is, *****and there will be some food talk from here on*****is that one of the things I found most therapuetic was baking. There was something healing about kneading bread, and nurturing a sourdough starter - it all felt really comfortable and reminded me of mom. Problem is, you taste what you bake, and it turns out I am a pretty good baker. lol What started out as a conscious choice for comfort, soon creeped it's way into a physical craving and need for carbs. Or at least the powerful draw to carbs was stronger then ever.

    The amount of comfort it seemed to bring, soon took over, and I have suddenly found all my clothes are too tight, I feel sluggish, my knees hurt again. I have probably put on 2 stone over the course of this past 9 month period.

    I tried a couple of times to lose it with Exante - but my head was not in the right place. It was far too easy to mess around and bend the rules all over the show.

    But lately I have been thinking of going back to LL for the support. I know I said I would never abstain again - but this is not a quick fix. I have lost my head space through all of this. I need to revisit the counseling and retrain myself again. But I did not want to suggest it to my husband because I was so adamant last time was the last time- the two times I did a short stint with Exante... We both agreed I did not really give those a serious go - because there was no counseling and no weekly weigh in, it was a lame attempt really.

    So we talked, and he fully supports me to go back to it. In fact, he must have read my mind because he asked me if I wanted to. He feels after all the hard work to lose the 10 stone, and after all I went through emotionally this year - we think its a good idea to get help. So I am going back as a returner.

    This will be as important as the first time I did it. This is to change my thought processes and to get healthy again.

    My head is dead centre in the right place for this. I am EXCITED, and confident, and feel like my old self is truly coming back. I can hardly wait to get started, and will try and be more active on the forum again.

    I am going to do this with the same determination and commitment that I did 2 years ago.

    And most importantly, I am not beating myself up about this. At all. I have been to hell and back, and pre Lighterlife, I would have been binging from the day mom hurt herself and then each and everyday without ever gaining control until it was too late - so I can live with this!!

    I can live with losing the amount I have gained. I fully expected it, and now its time to sort it out.

    One more tick on my list of worrying or troublesome things. There is little left to worry about, and I feel, dare I say, very happy.

    So sorry this was such a long post - if you made iut this far you get a gold star!! Its just been such a long time since I have been here, and I had a lot to say in case I don't get back on here this weeked.

    Thanks for listening, and wish me luck!!

    xxxxxxxx
     
    Last edited: 19 November 2010
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  3. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    Welcome back hun xxxxxxxxx:4633:
     
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  4. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    Welcome Back BL:welcome2:

    You sound like you are in the zone again[​IMG]

    It has obviously been a tough six months and Muffin is probably delighted to be with you as well both of you can help each other through the sadness and grief.

    You are lucky to have such a wonderful OH and with his help and the support here you will have those couple of stones off in no time.

    Good to have you back as you were missed:hug99:
     
  5. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Thank you Mini. :) I feel like I am in the zone again. I feal ready.

    Thing with Exante was, it was too easy to bend the rules - one day I would be 100&, then I might add milk to my coffee for a few days thinking thats not too bad - then maybe one day I would think I could do the 3 packs and lite meal, etc., It was just far too easy to not give it 100%.

    Now, LL with the weekly meetings - the counseling - I will be back on the ground that worked so beautifully for me the first time I have no reason to doubt it will not work for me again.

    I am ready to start putting my life back together, where as the last 6 months, there were so many big issues to face, I just didn't berate myself for seeking a bit of comfort - even if it meant reawakening old bad habits - at the time, it was what I needed to keep going.

    So now - I am ready for the challenge. I know there will be days I will struggle - but it will be fine. I have accepted there willl be no Christmas meal - but who cares. Christmas parties will be just as good without the burden of food. So its all good.

    When new years rolls around, I will be on solid footing for starting a new and better year.

    I miss mom all the time - and still think to reah for the phone to call her most nights - but the grief is finding it's place now, and I am emergin from it with my old attitude waking up, so it will be a good thing to move forward.

    I never thought I would get through moms accident and death so soon, but that is what the love of a good man, good inlaws and good friends can do.

    Looking forward to starting and getting back into the high that comes with abstinance, and that feeling of reaching for and acheiving my goal.

    And Sb - it is going to be great to be able to see you every Monday again!!! (Assuming I can stay in that group - if V suggests I am better in a restarters group, well, we'll see.)

    Feeling really ready for this and its a great relief.

    xx
     
  6. kathryn B

    kathryn B Full Member

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    Good luck BL Im sure you will be fine. You have had such a tough time but you sound so strong. You are such an inspiration to everyone on here xx
     
  7. tracyd

    tracyd "I WILL DO THIS"

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    hello BL and welcome back honey xx
     
  8. daisydoll

    daisydoll Gold Member

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    Hi BL
    Good luck with your restart. I know what you mean bout exante, it should be the same as LL, but it just isn't without the counselling sessions.
    Im glad you have muffin with you - she will bring you lots of comfort.
    Your head seems in the right place to go for it - you will look fab at christmas hun!
    Daisy x
     
  9. RecoveringChocaholic

    RecoveringChocaholic I'm going to be slim

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    Great to see you posting on here again good luck when you start back on ll
     
  10. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Thanks gals. I am reallly excited to start tomorrow. It feels "safe". It will be nice to go tonight - I get to see SB and get to catch up with my LLC - should be good!!

    Roll on 1st week weigh in! :D

    xx
     
  11. jc1976

    jc1976 Silver Member

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    Good luck blonde logic I'm sure you'll have great results x
     
  12. MagdaX

    MagdaX is Magdalicious

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    Good Luck BL and welcome back.
    Wishing you all the best in the world with your restart.
    X
     
  13. daisydoll

    daisydoll Gold Member

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    How is day 1 BL?
    x
     
  14. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Absolutely fantastic Daisy - breezed through it. To be honest, while I know its not possible, but I felt like I was already in Ketosis! not one pang of hunger! It was just a great day to be feeling completely and utterly back in control. There is no doubt in my mind I will see this through. :)

    Its very exciting to have something positive to focus on now......Muffin was the first good thing to come out of this year - and now this.

    Maybe the tides really are turning. Phew.

    THanks DD! :)

    xx
     
  15. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    Well done getting through the first day...I hope tomorrow or should I say today is just as good.
     
  16. Sean(JSF)

    Sean(JSF) Making it all add up

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    Welcome home BL
     
  17. Spanglymum

    Spanglymum Gold Member

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    Best of luck with your restart, BL!
    xx
     
  18. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    You see hun,
    Lurkers come out of the woodwork when you come back here!
    I am sure you've had another good day xx:4633:
     
  19. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    hehe I did have a good day - good as gold. :) Though today a few more pangs of hunger than yesterday - yesterday I had hardly any, if any!

    Figure I should be in Ketosis by the weekend. Hazzah! :D

    I am so excited about getting back into my old new wardrobe again. :D

    Thanks SB. Cam't wait for Monday to get here again! lol

    See you soon.

    xx
     
  20. daisydoll

    daisydoll Gold Member

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    glad its going well!
    tbh i'm sitting here quite envious....my clothes are all too tight again!
    - i miss ketosis, lol!
    daisy x
     
  21. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    lol It feels so much different doing this, than Exante Daisy. Is there anyway you can do LL again? I know it is a lot more, but just the feeling of instantly being in control again is really empowering. Maybe it is because I KNOW LL makes the difference. I don;t know but I feel like I did the first time.

    Nothing is going to stop me. Nothing. As before, I am in it to win it, and vow to 100% abstinance again - and I will knock this on its head, and be grateful for what I have learned.

    Right now, its just the perfect timing for me. It is something positive and exciting to look forward too. There have been few such things in my life this year. Muffin was one. Now that she is here, I need something else to keep me putting one foot in front of the other, each step getting more purposeful than the last....each day brighter than the day before.

    Hope everyone is having a good night! That is tonights waffle. :D

    Thanks again everyone for the hello's, WB's and support! It DOES feel like home Sean.

    xx
     
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