CountryBumpkin
Silver Member
It's still "by popular demand" if one person asks whether you have a diary, right?
It's been suggested to me that I begin a journal, which I suspect is one user's polite way of saying "Can you quit posting silly new threads and keep all your rubbish in one section that we can all safely avoid?". I was reticent to do this for several reasons, such as not having anything to say (or at least not having another informative, encouraging or interesting to say) and not having any followers and the subsequent feelings of worthlessness and wanting to die (I'm not at all worried about my ability to construct hyperboles), but a part of my physical and mental makeover is the realisation that I must stop talking myself out of things on account of possible failure. So here we go. One small, nay, microscopic step for mankind, but one giant leap for an obese chick whose based her entire adult life of avoiding situations which may cause me any kind of embarrassment, shame or self-acknowledgement.
It's particularly daft to begin a diary right now, today, when I am two days away from eating this. (That's a veggie burger, by the way. I can handle the thought of you thinking of me as a diet-cheating scumbag, but I can't handle the thought of anyone thinking I eat meat. That would be fundamentally misunderstanding everything I am.) I've been looking forward to this diet break since the moment I knew it was happening, which was several months ago. I'm going to visit a friend for a couple of days and on my way home I'll be bringing my 11 year old brother to stay for a week. It's true that I could have sustained my diet for the duration of my mini trip to see my friend. She is, after all, one of the three people in real life who know I am on a meal replacement diet. However, I don't want to set a bad example to my young, impressionable brother that eating is bad, so "Cambridging", as it's known in my house only, is out of the question for that week. I'd like my brother to know that obesity is bad. I want him to know that weight-related heart disease and diabetes and skeletal pain are bad. Simultaneously, I don't want him to think that fasting is the only solution to this problem. It's my chosen solution, because I need instant gratification. How else would I have become fat in the first place? I wanted the crisps NOW. I wanted that strawberry and cream gateau NOW (and ugh, it was worth it at the time). Cambridge works for me because I needed the rigidity, the discipline. Regulation has been noticeably absent in my life, both from myself and others, and it was time for me to learn that skill. My brother, on the other hand, is young and slim and salad loving. I want him to grow up believing that all food is acceptable in the right proportions.
Anyway, I decided to add an extra couple of days to my break so that my friend and I can enjoy one of these and this. Thankfully the menu I have planned for my brother's visit is a lot healthier, along the lines of chili and stir fry, although I'd be a fool to think my weight isn't going to shoot up over the next week and a half. My official weigh ins occur monthly, owing to the fact that my counsellor - who, owing to my rural location, lives half an hour from me - is very trusting and petrol is expensive! My unofficial weigh in is on Monday, and on Monday 5th August I weighed in at 17 stone 1lb. My next official weigh in is on 2nd September. Between my brother's visit and my Scandinavian holiday at the end of August, all I'm hoping for at my next weigh in is to weigh no more than 17 stone 10. In truth, I anticipate that the water regain plus the menstrual water retention which ought to happen in early September may push me back up to 18. I'm hoping not, but my expectations err on the side of realism. Should that happen, it'll be the greatest incentive I need to commit to the diet between September and at least Christmas, save for the weekend in which I am attending a wedding.
I may or may not have time to post again before Friday. My list of chores to prepare my home before my brother's arrival is about as long as my lifelong dietary rap sheet. Whilst writing, though, I have thought of several weight- and body-related topics which I look forward to analysing in the future. If anyone is reading (hello, Martha
), I hope you'll be willing to join me. I can't promise that this diary will be inspirational but it will be honest (I already admitted elsewhere to retrieving cake from a bin and ordering takeaway food for fictitious persons, so I don't think I have anything to lose at this point except pounds and maybe friends...). I want to talk about skin, confidence, surgery, societal attitudes to bodies, and inevitably there may be a lot of directionless chatter about the little things which are going on in my life or in Emmerdale, for watching that show is primarily what I do with my life.
Thanks to anyone reading for taking the time and trouble to come this far. I'm verbose, I know, but I mean well. If you have a diary too please point me in its direction: you can show me how this is done.
Until next time...
It's been suggested to me that I begin a journal, which I suspect is one user's polite way of saying "Can you quit posting silly new threads and keep all your rubbish in one section that we can all safely avoid?". I was reticent to do this for several reasons, such as not having anything to say (or at least not having another informative, encouraging or interesting to say) and not having any followers and the subsequent feelings of worthlessness and wanting to die (I'm not at all worried about my ability to construct hyperboles), but a part of my physical and mental makeover is the realisation that I must stop talking myself out of things on account of possible failure. So here we go. One small, nay, microscopic step for mankind, but one giant leap for an obese chick whose based her entire adult life of avoiding situations which may cause me any kind of embarrassment, shame or self-acknowledgement.
It's particularly daft to begin a diary right now, today, when I am two days away from eating this. (That's a veggie burger, by the way. I can handle the thought of you thinking of me as a diet-cheating scumbag, but I can't handle the thought of anyone thinking I eat meat. That would be fundamentally misunderstanding everything I am.) I've been looking forward to this diet break since the moment I knew it was happening, which was several months ago. I'm going to visit a friend for a couple of days and on my way home I'll be bringing my 11 year old brother to stay for a week. It's true that I could have sustained my diet for the duration of my mini trip to see my friend. She is, after all, one of the three people in real life who know I am on a meal replacement diet. However, I don't want to set a bad example to my young, impressionable brother that eating is bad, so "Cambridging", as it's known in my house only, is out of the question for that week. I'd like my brother to know that obesity is bad. I want him to know that weight-related heart disease and diabetes and skeletal pain are bad. Simultaneously, I don't want him to think that fasting is the only solution to this problem. It's my chosen solution, because I need instant gratification. How else would I have become fat in the first place? I wanted the crisps NOW. I wanted that strawberry and cream gateau NOW (and ugh, it was worth it at the time). Cambridge works for me because I needed the rigidity, the discipline. Regulation has been noticeably absent in my life, both from myself and others, and it was time for me to learn that skill. My brother, on the other hand, is young and slim and salad loving. I want him to grow up believing that all food is acceptable in the right proportions.
Anyway, I decided to add an extra couple of days to my break so that my friend and I can enjoy one of these and this. Thankfully the menu I have planned for my brother's visit is a lot healthier, along the lines of chili and stir fry, although I'd be a fool to think my weight isn't going to shoot up over the next week and a half. My official weigh ins occur monthly, owing to the fact that my counsellor - who, owing to my rural location, lives half an hour from me - is very trusting and petrol is expensive! My unofficial weigh in is on Monday, and on Monday 5th August I weighed in at 17 stone 1lb. My next official weigh in is on 2nd September. Between my brother's visit and my Scandinavian holiday at the end of August, all I'm hoping for at my next weigh in is to weigh no more than 17 stone 10. In truth, I anticipate that the water regain plus the menstrual water retention which ought to happen in early September may push me back up to 18. I'm hoping not, but my expectations err on the side of realism. Should that happen, it'll be the greatest incentive I need to commit to the diet between September and at least Christmas, save for the weekend in which I am attending a wedding.
I may or may not have time to post again before Friday. My list of chores to prepare my home before my brother's arrival is about as long as my lifelong dietary rap sheet. Whilst writing, though, I have thought of several weight- and body-related topics which I look forward to analysing in the future. If anyone is reading (hello, Martha
), I hope you'll be willing to join me. I can't promise that this diary will be inspirational but it will be honest (I already admitted elsewhere to retrieving cake from a bin and ordering takeaway food for fictitious persons, so I don't think I have anything to lose at this point except pounds and maybe friends...). I want to talk about skin, confidence, surgery, societal attitudes to bodies, and inevitably there may be a lot of directionless chatter about the little things which are going on in my life or in Emmerdale, for watching that show is primarily what I do with my life. Thanks to anyone reading for taking the time and trouble to come this far. I'm verbose, I know, but I mean well. If you have a diary too please point me in its direction: you can show me how this is done.
Until next time...
