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chubbyfunsters weight loss diary

I have finally decided to take control, im not going to be this person anymore, thinking that if I lose weight everything will suddenly be ok. Im going to take my future in my hands and run with it. As of today, 15th April 2010, everything changes. I am curently 203 lbs/14 stone 7. My highest weight was 231lbs/16 stone 7 (January 2008) so I have lost 2 stone in 2 and a bit years. I had a nervous breakdown, things went very wrong in my life, I am through that now and can see the mistakes I have been making and how my thought patterns are ultimately self destructive. I am 5ft 9 and used to weigh 11 stone/154 lbs when I was 17, a very healthy weight for my height, even though I wasnt in particularly good shape. I was happy though. Then it all went wrong, I started to have this mental breakdown, and as a life long comfort eater and no psychological support I gained 5 and a half stone/77 lbs in less than a year. 2 more years of me being crazy ensued, with my life such a mess I became obsessed with weight loss, with out actually doing anything about it, I would set myself ridiculous targets (2 and a half stone in 10 days etc, only drinking water, planning to do 12 hours of excercise a day, things like that) and then obviously when it was impossible to reach them, I would become even more depressed and manic. I honestly thought that if I just suddenly lost the weight all my issues would go away. I now know this isnt true. I have wonderful friends who ahve never left me, but have made huge social mistakes with other people during my craziness, I hope that the fitter and healthier I become, the clearer my mind will be, and so I will be able to move on. I am going to start seeing a psychologist to help me tie together the lose ends of my mental breakdown. Anyway, back to origional subject haha, this is my weight loss diary, my goal weight is 140 lbs with a body fat percentage of under 21, I dont just want to be thin, I want to be fit and strong. My current body fat percentage is 36ish(eek) and my dress size is 16. I am very lucky in that I am actually able to burn fat quite fast, the weight I have lost in the past has been pure fat over relativly short periods of time, lucid periods of the madness as it were, when i wanted to sort my life out, and being only 21 I have age on my side. I am not setting a target this time. I am just going to pick up my old hobbies in conjunction with some more serious excerise and a strict eating plan, I have had all the lovely food imaginable, I am not depriving myself by not having cakes, crisps, drinks etc, I am healing myself. I do not need those things. I want to be clean and fit and strong, I want a good and happy life, I need to get through this. I am somebody whos body image has always tottaly reflected my self worth, ie: if i do not look perfect nothing is right, I am now dealing with this and learning to love myself for who I am, be myself, accept rejection and not blmae it all on my weight and go into a horrible shame spiral comfort eating all in sight, not obsess over it and move on. Sorry, reading back this is just rambling, but I needed to get it out, future posts will be more coherant!!

To sum up this first entry, I am going to have fun with my excercise, dance, horse riding (when im a bit lighter! haha), kettlebells, boxing, classes at the gym, things that I enjoy, if i love it, I will want to do it.

My body is clogged with junk and I am having some serious water retention drama, so to get a little jumpstart I am going to go on a watermelon fast, I love watermelon. I am going to go for 7 days, with green tea, water with lemon and ginger, just to clean myself out. I also want to cut back on my smoking, I have heard fasting can help?? I dont know.

I will see how it goes, Im not setting myself a weight loss target for this, I know it will make me feel better to calm my body down for a few days. If I cannot complete it, I am not failing, it just wasnt right for me, my mum has done this previously and she felt amazing afterwards. Thank you if you read this all the way through!! Getting all this stuff out helps me alot!! More to come soon,

Chubby funster xoxox :D
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