Crazys "No Binging Allowed" Diary...

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by crazylilblondie, 3 June 2009 Social URL.

  1. crazylilblondie

    crazylilblondie Pizza addict

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    Hey everyone!

    Well I've been a bit quiet recently, and to be honest Ive completely and utterly fallen off the wagon! So ive decided to start a diary here of my random thoughts to get me back on track and stay motivated :)

    My CD journey:

    I started Cambridge Soul Source and for about 11 weeks i stuck it 100% without a single blip or cheat and the weight fell off! I was never a big loser and my weight came off at around 2lbs a week. I was due to go to Portugal on May 1st so a few weeks beforehand i started moving up to SS+ and then 810 where my weight loss slowed to under 1lb a week.

    What went wrong:

    On holiday i intended to move up to the 1000 plan and still have 2 shakes a day and a small meal. However, I finished my job right before the holiday.. finished my relationship with my long term boyfriend and went into panic mode. I felt lonely and depressed as I was on holiday with my mum and her boyfriend in an empty villa in the middle of nowhere and I sought comfort in food. I found myself sneaking to the local supermarket, spending £20 on chocolate and binging on the lot! Needless to say the downward spiral started there.

    After the holiday I jumped straight back on to Sole Source after putting on 9lbs and lost close to 12 in the first week. I ended up about 2lbs to goal but instead of sticking with CD and moving up the maintenance plans I had another binge... and another one... and another one....

    Yoyo affect:

    I dont want to be one of those dieters who is continously putting on and then loosing weight. I want to maintain a healthy and social and balenced lifestyle rather than seeing every meal as my "last meal before I diet" and then eating everything in sight. Unfortunately the last week has been very tough for me with my job hunting and Ive panicked alot which resulted in drinking, binge eating... and Im afraid to say PURGING. I do not want to go down that route but the guilt of everything has caused this to happen several times a day to the point where my throat is red raw. Ive also been taking laxatives to try and push any of the stuff ive eaten through my body.

    New start:

    As you can see, Ive clearly got major issues with food and eating, but I believe getting back on the CD wagon, getting to goal and then maintaining properly is the only way to try and fight these food demons within me and get some control of my life again. I had a job interview today for one of the most exciting companies - who Ive wanted to work for since I was 11 years old. But because of my eating I felt fat and unconfident and negative and all i could think of was "as this interview has gone badly you can have lots of food as a treat after".

    I dont want to be this person Ive become in the last few weeks, so here is my diary to keep me focused :)

    Thanks for reading :)

    Natalie

    xxxx
     
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  3. Katycakes

    Katycakes Stubborn tortoise

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    Oh Crazy... sorry to hear you've been struggling. I think the diary is a great idea, it's a way of being accountable for yourself if you like, my diary on maintenance stops me from going over the top more than I can say. So... I think it's brave of you to be so honest, and a big step forward.

    At the risk of sounding like a strict auntie, please, please don't purge... it's not just the physical damage it will do but the emotional damage... the shame, fear, guilt, all of that. As you have said, you have some major food issues. Well... so do most of us on minis I suspect, although ot everyone chooses to explore those issues. I truly believe that you have to sort the issues if you want to stay slim, so I have spent a long time thinking about why I binge & reading books that offer ideas & solutions, and discussing this stuff on assorted forums. It has helped me, and I know my head is in a VERY different place to 6 months ago.

    I also know I will probably never be 'free' exactly from those destructive impulses, but that makes me feel stronger as at least I know I have to be aware and that makes me feel stronger.

    For me, there was no therapy or delving too far into the reasons for my eating - I was too scared to go there really. But I no longer feel the binge-eat demons control me, and that is freedom for me. No easy answers, but I know you're not a quitter Crazy and I know how low you must be feeling as I've been there too... big hugs, honey.

    xxx
     
  4. curlywurly1234

    curlywurly1234 Cambridge Consultant

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    Hey Natalie, (nice to know your name lol)..
    Chin up hon and big hugs............. I think writing it down is a fab way of getting your emotions out and also to help you get through each day and being honest with yourself too..
    You have done so fantastically well and especially the way you jumped back on after a tough time of binging on holiday...
    It really is hard when you do have issues with food but you have done so well so dont let food be the enemy try to get back to 810 and you will be happy again with yourself..
    I really hope you get the job you have dreamed off and you will feel confident and so happy and you will be back to feeling happy again .
    Chin up sweetie.............Loving all your pics by the way they are fab..
    Take care & big hugs Marissa xxx
     
  5. herewego

    herewego Gold Member

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    Oh hun, I really feel for you! I've been where you are many time (although I never managed to purge) and it feels like being in a hole that you can't get out of. You have had some good advice above but I just wanted to post to give you a hug:gen126: and to say that your picture are truly inspirational! Use them - really look at the transformation and appreciate how well you've done. You are absolutely beautiful (in both your before and after piccies) and much stronger than you think you are.
     
  6. LizzMB

    LizzMB WILL be Slim!

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    just wanted to send you a big hug hun!
    Well done for putting all of that out in the open...admitting it is half the battle in my eyes!
    Keep that eye on the goal and maybe just give up chocolate for the rest of the year so you dont feel tempted...its like smoking, once that choc is in your system you wont get the cravings!
    I really feel for you hun, but your back on and this is a fresh start!!!
    xxxxxx
     
  7. mollydog

    mollydog Silver Member

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    Bigs hugs from me too!
    Best luck on your journey, lots of support for you here. We will all try to help get you on the right track.
    Mx
     
  8. imagisal

    imagisal Full Member

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    Thanks for sharing your experiences. .....with which I identify strongly. Another option is to go to your GP. I have just finished a course of Cognitive Behaviour therapy provided by the NHS for my disordered eating. No quick fix but I feel I am on the road to recovery. You sound like a very determined person who is not going to give up finding a way to feeling happy and healthy. Good luck
     
  9. lisalulu

    lisalulu Silver Member

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    Hi Natalie (as Curly said, its nice to know your name ;))

    Firstly, well done on starting a the diary. It really could be what you need to help yourself refocus on the future and where you are heading. You can do this diet, you have done it before and done it amazingly well I might add! Just look at the loss you had after your holiday- not many people can get right back on track like that, be proud.

    Please, please, please do not purge. I won't give you a whole sermon on it, you know you shouldn't be doing it and I doubt you really want to do it. Like Katy said above, the emotional damage you will do to yourself is worse than the physical. Try and tackle these demons now before they get to a point where you CAN'T deal with them *end lecture*

    You are beautiful, I really mean stunningly beautiful, in both the before and after piccies. Even my h2b just wandered past my shoulder and said your avatar picture was stunning. Your pictures are inspiring, you should be so proud. Keep strong, big hugs and well done for starting to tackle your demons. I hope things work out for you, I really do x
     
  10. crazylilblondie

    crazylilblondie Pizza addict

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    Gosh, thanks everyone for your sweet replies of encouragement! I promise I will reply tonight to you all when I have time as you took the time to write to me (Gosh why do I sound like an arrogant celebrity or something??)

    Anyways I want to start as I mean to go on for now and make sure I update this thing regularly (I love Jess's diary so Im going to steal her format for now, hope she doesnt mind!!) So here goes...

    Wednesday 3rd June 2009
    Day 1 of SSing
    Goal: 8 Stone 7lbs
    Weight: 9 Stone 7.6
    Daily Change: /
    Weekly Change: /
    Till Goal: 1 stone 0.6 lbs
    Plans: Britney concert at O2

    So the day has started off on a positive foot. I am finally feeling more motivated and determined than I have in a good few weeks. I wish I could write more today but I have a busy day planned which i am very happy about. After thinking about this Ive decided that my weakness isnt when Im out and about and socialising, its when Im home alone and there is no one around me to see what Im doing. Anyways Im sat here in my gym gear about to go for a light workout for 45 mins, Ive had my porridge, 4 glasses or water, picking mate up at 1, shopping, then heading over to the O2 to see Britney Spears!! Im so excited! I feel confident I can be 100% today so here goes! Wish I could right more, but I guess I have plenty of time to explain my feelings about food as the weeks progress!! :)

    Thanks for reading

    Natalie xx
     
  11. crazylilblondie

    crazylilblondie Pizza addict

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    Gosh day 1 and I almost gave in at the first sign of temptation! What is wrong with me and when did I get so weak?? I didnt though and am still 100%.. but I was close, very close :(
     
  12. lisalulu

    lisalulu Silver Member

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    Well done for staying strong Natalie. Remember the first few days getting back on track are the hardest, so you're doing brilliantly. Have a great time seeing Britney x
     
  13. Jessica Rabbit72

    Jessica Rabbit72 Gold Member

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    have only managed to pop on and off today and want to do a proper reply to you chick but need to go to bed HB kicking off so will do one tomorrow promise but hope you had a fab time at Britney and I will be back in the morning xxx
     
  14. crazylilblondie

    crazylilblondie Pizza addict

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    OK... im going to start to reply.. its 1am in the morning.. which means its day 2 now officially.... which means I got through Day 1 and was 100% wahoooooo! :D
     
  15. crazylilblondie

    crazylilblondie Pizza addict

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    Believe me it's not something I intended to continue. My best friend was bulemic and her hair started to fall out and her teeth began to rot - and considering I believe my teeth and hair are my best features i dont want to compromise that haha! It was just at the time the cravings were unbareable. I wanted certain food so so much it began to possess me and was all I could think about for a whole day. In the end I was bargaining with myself where I said as long as i drank lots of water with it, ate it quickly, and went to the loo atraight after to purge, then it was ok and i could get away with it. Of course it was not ok and it led to several days of this mind thought and behaviour. Something which i am not proud of.

    Unfortunately whilst Im trying to stay 100% I cannot promise that if I did fall off and binge that it wont happen again. but thats what makes me determined not to fall off the wagon.

    The first time i did SS I was so strong and the binging desire became less and less. I just need to make it to maintenance, be eating food gradually and retrain my brain.

    Unfortunately "moderation" is still an unheard of word in my dictionary!!

    xxx
     
  16. crazylilblondie

    crazylilblondie Pizza addict

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    Thank you Marissa. Ive had a few failed restarts but hopefully this is the real thing for once!! Not going on 810 just yet, I think I need a break from food, just to strengthen my willpower for now. But we will see - im starving already!

    xxx
     
  17. crazylilblondie

    crazylilblondie Pizza addict

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    Thankyou Alli - one of the reasons why i did my signature was for myself - to show me how far Id come and keep me motivated. Tomorrow Im doing the whole "stick fat photos to the fridge" ect. Dont know how well it will work though as i believe if you really want to eat something no amount of hideous photos can stop that desire!

    Have you managed to get out of that hole you were in? I hope so.. it just seems like the longer you are in it - the easier it is to hide out and stay there. The idea of climbing out gets harder as time goes on!

    x
     
  18. crazylilblondie

    crazylilblondie Pizza addict

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    Oh gosh Id DIE without choccy!! Well maybe not DIE.. but suffer.
    I have come to realise though that banning chocolate or any food item is not the answer, because the moment you tell yourself you cant have something - you want it more than anything else in your life. Which is why I feel some people ARE more suited to WW or SW because everything is in moderation so they dont miss or want certain food as much as they CAN have it.

    i am an all or nothing person though which is why CD is better suited to me.. but Im hoping the maintenance plan will help my brain begin to understand that I dont need "ALL" of something in one go.

    Also i discovered something else on my choccy binges this week. Only the first 1-2 mouthfuls actually tasted amazing. After the initial taste my tastebuds grew acustomed to the taste and the sensation no longer excited me. Yet I continued eating long after I stopped enjoying it? Why? Hopefulyl I can use this memory in the future to curb my binging....

    xxx
     
  19. crazylilblondie

    crazylilblondie Pizza addict

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    Ok, so i dont want to bore anyone else with my essays, but just want to say thanks aswell to mollydog, imagisal, lisa and jess aswell for the support and advice xxxx

    Oh and Britney Spears was AMAAAAAAAAAAZING!! Best concert of my life!!!!

    Bon nuit xoxo
     
  20. Jessica Rabbit72

    Jessica Rabbit72 Gold Member

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    Morning Natalie
    Well you will be in the lad of nod still from the concert - glad you had a good time and
    CONGRATULATIONS!!! on staying 100% yesterday. that is an achievement of many for you now.

    theres so many things I need to get into my 'essay' I dont know which one to start with really so it might go into a bit of a ramble so Im apologising now...........

    firstly you are not the first or the last to fall off the wagon and fall into what KD calls the near goal chatterbox (glad to see you saw my thread for the other day and hope you took note of what she said)

    but the best thing is that yes you fell of for more than a little blip but you had the determination to get back on here and start again and you have now got past day 1 which is great!

    Your pictures are more than amazing and your transformation is breathtaking and you look better than britney probably did last night!

    you say you want to lose another 1st, but looking at the pic of you in the nice pink flowery dress (and Im going to sound like the non-CDers here) are you sure you 'need' to lose another stone? as you certainly dont look like you need to in that picture (which is a compliment not a criticism)

    As for bingeing and purging I have PM'ed you that.

    I think you have done a positive thing setting up your diary and I hope it will help to keep you focused getting you to target.

    Now I need to get 16lbs off to get to healthy weight range so how about we look out for each other and get to goal together.

    I sabotaged myself last time only a few pounds from goal and boy was it SO not worth it! and here I am on the CD track again but this time had to lose 6stone. PLEASE learn from my mistake and make this the only time you are on CD.

    I will be subscribed to the thread so we can keep an eye on each other and support each other too.

    Sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes.

    WE CAN DO THIS
    Love
    Jess
    xxx
     
  21. curlywurly1234

    curlywurly1234 Cambridge Consultant

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    Well done Natalie,
    Your doing fab...... and pleased you had a great time at the Britney concert...........
    Hope you have another great day today hon xx
     
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