dating advice (food talk)

Cookeh

Cookeh

Recovering Cookie Addict
Hi ladies (and gents!)

I wonder if I could ask your opinion on something...

In May this year my husband left me (yay!) after 10 years of marriage. Since then I've been focusing on getting back to the old me. Once I'd lost 4st I joined a dating site (I have no friends and family where I live and don't work at the mo so no opportunity to meet people) and last week I met a very nice man online. He's asked me on a date this Saturday, just coffee nothing major, and although I'm terrified and seriously want to back out I'm going to go!

My question is this though. After coffee the next date is likely to involve lunch or dinner and therein lies the dilemma. I'm about 3 months from refeed so how do I handle it? Do I a) just fess up and explain the sitcho and hope he understands or b) agree to dinner/lunch and pick a place where i can eat a high protein low carb meal for the sake of just relaxing into a new date? My gut says just tell him then I won't need to panic about eating yet but on the other hand he may not understand, or might even think I'm making an excuse to get out of seeing him or something!

I'm 40 yrs old and haven't been on a date for 13 years. I don't want to mess it up, what would you guys do? X
 
Congrats for having the guts to go out on dates again, Ive signed up to a dating site also but havent gone on any dates yet im chicken, I wouldnt even worry about it until you get a few dates in, then just tell him your on a special eating plan at the mo and would rather go for a walk, bowling, the movies etc etc etc...please let me know how you get on and best of luck
 
Thanks hon, I'm chicken too! Every part of me is screaming "noooo!" but I know that's just lack of confidence and so gonna try really hard not to cancel last minute. Did you join a pay site? I did and this is the first date I've arranged as felt too fat before :( I still have a couple of stones to lose but don't feel so self conscious about how I look like I used to. If nothing else its nice to have some practise associating with men again hehe I'll keep you posted and good luck, you should take the plunge too :) x
 
just be yourself and if you get a second dat explain what your doing and why,there is nothing to be ashamed of and if he does not like him stuff him
 
Oh Cookeh, how exciting but terrifying too!

I would tell him as soon as a date involving food is suggested, if he's a nice guy then he'll be supportive and if he isn't then all you've lost is a date with a guy who wasn't worthy of you in the first place! And, hey, if that's the case who cares as there will be loads more guys and loads of dates in the future!

As for your ex? Shake your skinny butt in front of him next time you see him to show him what he's missing!

Good luck x
 
Hehe thanks Sandra, I know, I guess I just feel awkward having to explain to people that really it's ok to not eat for the duration of the diet, everyone else thinks they know best.

As for my ex, it's the oddest thing. He has a girlfriend (was seeing her while still with me in fact) and he knows I don't love or want him back however, if I ever mention my weightloss he absolutely will not comment on it. So, for example, I say "yay, I've lost 5 stone now, you can definitely see it now can't you?" He will just look at me like I never even spoke, no "well done!" or "congrats" or even "yeah", nothing, not a peep. Neither of us finds the other attractive or loves each other any more so I just don't understand why he can't be happy for me, or at least just acknowledge that I lost 70lbs and have done well. I can't get my head around it and I confess it really irks me =(

I think that's partly why I need to just get myself out and meeting people again, I have been living the life of a recluse for over 10 years and have no friends or family anywhere near me. It's been too many years since I felt attractive and even more since someone chatted me up or asked me out! I really need this, regardless if it comes to something or not however, I don't want to break my diet, I've come too far now!! hehe
 
Oh sweetheart that's really sad.......and I know that you're not the only person on here in the same situation, man, friends the whole thing.

I don't really know how to advise except to say that when you feel attractive in yourself again people will naturally radiate towards you, honest! If you hate yourself you give out a really negative vibe without even realizing it, things are definitely on the up for you, that I promise x
 
Hi Cookeh, well done on your loss so far and for taking the first steps back into the dating scene. You dont need compliments or approval from your ex any more so I would just shrug his reactions off. I personnally wouldnt mention LT, I would arrange dates that dont include food such as coffee dates/cinema/show.... and then if all goes well and you hit it off he will by then like you enough to understand what you are doing and be supportive. You may end up going on quite a few first dates and some guys may be put off quite easily (fickle bunch) lol Plus I think LT is quite a personal journey and I wouldnt want to open up about it to a guy id just met. Just my opinion but Im sure you will know if and when it feels the right time to discuss it. What an exciting time for you!! Dont forget to stock up on breath strips huni !! Good luck and keep safe ( let someone know where you are going etc) xxx
 
Sounds like Daisy is talking from experience here:D
 
Thanks ladies, I don't know why I feel the need to have approval from my ex. It just got worse tonight when i found out his new girlfriend is only 27 (Im 40) =( Even though I don't love him or want him I can't help but feel inferior somehow, you know? *sighs* This is the problem, he had a string of online affairs while we were together (unknown to me at the time) and at least 2 real life ones (I knew of one, the second is the girl he is with now), and in all that time I've not even been so much as chatted up, flirted with or asked out. I do majorly lack self confidence so if I even make it along to that date on Saturday it will be a huge achievement for me.

Wow, writing that just made me really upset for some reason *is suddenly and quite unexpectedly in tears now* =(

I don't understand it, Im in no hurry for a new relationship, I guess I just hate that he did the dirty on me and he's the one surrounded by love and I'm here on my own and yet I was the one who was loyal and faithful >.<

Grr... Where's a nice young toyboy when you need one eh? hehe x
 
Cookeh said:
Thanks ladies, I don't know why I feel the need to have approval from my ex. It just got worse tonight when i found out his new girlfriend is only 27 (Im 40) =( Even though I don't love him or want him I can't help but feel inferior somehow, you know? *sighs* This is the problem, he had a string of online affairs while we were together (unknown to me at the time) and at least 2 real life ones (I knew of one, the second is the girl he is with now), and in all that time I've not even been so much as chatted up, flirted with or asked out. I do majorly lack self confidence so if I even make it along to that date on Saturday it will be a huge achievement for me.

Wow, writing that just made me really upset for some reason *is suddenly and quite unexpectedly in tears now* =(

I don't understand it, Im in no hurry for a new relationship, I guess I just hate that he did the dirty on me and he's the one surrounded by love and I'm here on my own and yet I was the one who was loyal and faithful >.<

Grr... Where's a nice young toyboy when you need one eh? hehe x
Click to expand...

Hi Cookeh!! That post made me really sad :(

I hope you dont mind me throwing my tuppence bit in. At only 26 myself I havent been through what you have but what I will say is this- Karma is a f88cking b!tch!!

All his shitty behaviour will come back on him tenfold when his 27 year old drops him.

I've honestly always said that men have it so easy!! Men get to 40 and all of a sudden their pot bellies and balding heads make them "distingished", women gain a little weight, get some grey hairs and they "are past it"!!! :mad:

Continue to be the good person you are, if you love yourself and are confident that will ooze from you and you will find yourself being approached. That is much better than a string of seedy affairs like him!!

I hope your ok xx At least this is a great place to rant right? xx
 
Daisy I'm just noticing your little pics of you su and sandra at the end of your signature!!! Hilarious!!!
 
Ah Cookie! Don't beat yourself up. You have been through a very very rough time and no matter how tough you try to be on the outside you are still hurting underneath. Been there etc etc. Even though you know you are right in moving on it is not as easy as it seems. It really takes time and lots of it to get over a long realtionship no matter whether it is good or bad. We still will feel we are defined by how our former beloved thinks of us and it is a hard habit to break.
You are doing really well by taking charge of your life again. Addressing your weight issue has been a massive achievement. Your Ex damn sure notices but probably takes your weight loss as a sign that you have moved on from grieving over your marriage. His not saying anything speaks much more loudly than if he acknowledged it.
You have also successfully battled your depression and this is wonderful for you too.
Joining a dating site is another step in the right direction as well. Good for you!!
Go on your date but don't have any big expectations from it. After all it is your first venture in a long time so just have fun. If you like him enough for a second date then suggest the cinema or something non foodie. As Daisy said, you don't need to tell your whole life story to someone you don't know well. Personally, I would find the courage and go and enjoy it as a new experience and who knows maybe love will follow too!
 
(((((((big hugs Cookeh))))))))

I really can't add to what everyone else has said, especially Retail.. I found that once i lost some weight, i had an aura that made me more confident.... And i truly believe you always find love when you least expect it or you are not looking for it.... Joe was never part of my "plan", i didn't want a relationship with anyone, but when i met him i just knew he was the man for me... We were engaged within 2 months, and married less than a year later.. We are still happy (well, i am anyway, sod him!! lol) and he is my toyboy-i am 42, and he is 33... So please Cookeh, don't ever give up-you will find happiness with someone who deserves you!!
Always remember that saying... "revenge is a dish best served cold".. When you are happy in yourself and living your life how YOU want to, just wait for your ex to fall flat on his ar8e!! And when he does, remember how he treated you, both during your marriage, and while you needed some encouragement afterwards!!

Lots of love hun x x x x
 
Aww thank you all so much for your moral support. Im not too nervous about my date tomorrow, for the first time in my life I feel like I don't actually need a man to be happy, but it'll be nice to meet someone in the real world and just socialise, not done that in way too long.

Not getting dressed up or anything. Just meeting for coffee so it'll be a smart pair of jeans and a top, no point pretending to be someone I'm not, I live in my jeans! lol

I think part of my problem is that actually I have a friend overseas who already captured my heart and although he knows how I feel he has never said if he feels the same, although we continue to hang out every day online. Im visiting him next year on holiday so I know one way or the other but in the meantime part of me thinks I should get out there dating so I don't miss opportunities, yet the other part of me feels like I'm betraying him if that makes sense? That's why Im feeling very laid back about tomorrow as I have no intention of letting things progress romantically until I know what's happening with my other friend, or unless I get swept off my feet! hah!

See now that I've written that I feel bad, like I should cancel my date, but who says a date has to end in a relationship, right? A friendship to start with is really what I want from any man but will he feel the same? Hmm... meeting on a dating site kind of implies that Im open to a relationship right away doesnt it? Grr.... now I have a dilemma!

Help! What would you do in my position?

As for the ex, I know Im being daft caring what he thinks, he certainly doesnt care less what I think that's for sure. I just feel like I have something to prove since my life with him isn't what I'd have chosen for myself i.e. unemployed, no friends, no hobbies etc. I think it's important to me that he see and acknowledge that (apart from illness obviously) the rest of that he did to me.

*sighs*

Why can't things just be straightforward? Why does karma wait so long to dish out it's revenge? I need to stop thinking about him and just get on with my life but I feel so insecure financially (since im not working and relying 100% on my ex for support) that I feel like I can't break free. Im trying to remedy that by studying for a career change when I go back to work but Im finding it hard to get started -.- I seriously need a kick up the butt! Any takers? lol x
 
Hey Cookeh, Ive been missing for a week, just wanted to check in and see how you got on saturday, was the date a sucess??? i'm still texting two lads, but i know they wont keep that up with me for much longer as they are serious about dating where i'm still not confident enuff to get out there yet, I used to say if only i was this much lighter i would go on dates etc etc etc, but now im six stone lighter and still not ready, now my excuse is I still have three stone to loose,,i'm going to have to make dating my new years resolution!!!!
 
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