Disciplining children

*Emsie*

Gold Member
After a conversation with a friend today who suggested my son needs to have more consequences for his at times not very good behaviour it has got me wondering! How do you discipline yours?
I don't wish to smack my child/ren and never have, I tend to withdraw privileges like the xbox etc, though I do sometimes shout it doesn't really work particularly with my youngest more troublesome child.
Sometimes I think it is hard to punish children but I do think I do my best but my friend has made me feel different about this though am sure she was only trying to help :sigh:

My sons are 10 and 12 and daughter is 20 so can't do much to punish her!
 
I tend to do it like you do taking toys away, no cbeebies etc or send to their room. But they are 3 & 19mths.

But I'll be the first to say they are cheeky brats & I don't know what to do. When I say no they don't listen or wee one throws a tantrum. I do shout at them at times but as you say it don't work.

I'm at my wits end with them to be honest & can't take both out together myself as its such hard work & stressful but I'm going to have to take them on a plane to Ireland soon on my own which I'm absolutely dreading.

I'm sure you are doing a fantastic job & the methods you are using sound right to me, what else you can do I've no idea.

Looking forward to seeing other replies. Xxx
 
I can only tell you what I did to mine.
Bad behaviour resulted in being sent to room, consequent bad behaviour resulted in stuff being taken away. Until at one point Dort had no phone TV or going out privileges!

When they were under three I would curtail the activity, if thst meant getting iff the bus and going home do be it. I removed them from the room if I was at a friends and ignored all tantrums.

But Emsie, your 'friend' is not helpful and she needs consequences!
 
I tend to do it like you do taking toys away, no cbeebies etc or send to their room. But they are 3 & 19mths.

But I'll be the first to say they are cheeky brats & I don't know what to do. When I say no they don't listen or wee one throws a tantrum. I do shout at them at times but as you say it don't work.

I'm at my wits end with them to be honest & can't take both out together myself as its such hard work & stressful but I'm going to have to take them on a plane to Ireland soon on my own which I'm absolutely dreading.

I'm sure you are doing a fantastic job & the methods you are using sound right to me, what else you can do I've no idea.

Looking forward to seeing other replies. Xxx
Thanks hun x Sorry to hear you are struggling with yours too x
 
I can only tell you what I did to mine.
Bad behaviour resulted in being sent to room, consequent bad behaviour resulted in stuff being taken away. Until at one point Dort had no phone TV or going out privileges!

When they were under three I would curtail the activity, if thst meant getting iff the bus and going home do be it. I removed them from the room if I was at a friends and ignored all tantrums.

But Emsie, your 'friend' is not helpful and she needs consequences!

Thanks Shirleen. I am really upset to be honest, I was trying to stand up to her when she wassaying it but so upset/annoyed I didn't do very well. She knows how difficult I have been finding things with him and how stressed it has made me.
She was saying that he needs to be punished at home when he is excluded but I see the exclusion as the punishment,he then has to do the work set and is not allowed to lounge around in bed/on xbox etc (unlike other children who I have heard of being excluded) If I then punish him on top of that I have no where to go for other behaviours that crop up.
The thing is she doesn't have children and I try and be sensitive to that issue but it is hard when I don't feel she is being sensitive to me and my situation.
She just doesn't see how a 10 year old can be so difficult and not stop his behaviours when punished for them but he just doesn't respond to being punished a lot of the time even if he loses out on stuff he really wants etc
 
Ohhhhhhhhh I love these threads, it's so interesting to see what other people do.

Anyway when mine were very young I did smack, not all the time, but when I did it was 1 sharp smack. I did once ask DS to do something & he didn't I would always ask three times & then on third time when he hadn't done whatever I started to dismantle his duplo, oh my, never again, he couldn't do anything as he was far too upset with me, this I found was too severe & didn't have the effect I wanted it to, him being upset was far more than whatever I'd wanted him to do.

I did generally ask them to do something three times, on the third time I would remind them it was the final time & if they didn't do whatever they would have to sit on the chair/stairs, I didn't do 'naught step' or 'time out'. As they got older I sent them to their room & as Shirleen did I removed, tv, cd player, toys etc from their room.

I also made sure I never shouted at them for little things, & only raised my voice when something really naughty had happened. I was alway consistent, eg if I shouted at them for doing one thing one day & they did it again I'd still shout at them. I didn't shout at them for little things, like not taking their plates away after tea, I'd always remind them it needed doing.

I also remember what I read, 'remember the 3 F's, Fair, Firm, Fun, which I think we did.

Unfortunately you never know if you are doing the right thing or not, only now my children are 21 & 20 do I know I've done an ok job, my son has a good job, my daughter has a good job, neither of them have got children, do drugs or have been in trouble with the police.
 
My eldest is 5 and from the age of 2 I introduced the naughty mat. For him it worked wonders. Hardly ever use it now. Prob 3 times in a year. Although his 'punishments' now are, tv goes off, or no dsi. Tbh he's a sensitive child and hates disappointing me.
Now his sister who is 14 months is a different story. I doubt when I introduce the naughty mat that she will even stay on it. one stubborn little madam and already cheeky with it. When she does something 'naughty' ie. smacking faces, taking the DVDs out, touching the tv, I remove her from the situation, say no and leave it at that for now. She knows she's done wrong as she cries.
 
My eldest is 5 and from the age of 2 I introduced the naughty mat. For him it worked wonders. Hardly ever use it now. Prob 3 times in a year. Although his 'punishments' now are, tv goes off, or no dsi. Tbh he's a sensitive child and hates disappointing me.
Now his sister who is 14 months is a different story. I doubt when I introduce the naughty mat that she will even stay on it. one stubborn little madam and already cheeky with it. When she does something 'naughty' ie. smacking faces, taking the DVDs out, touching the tv, I remove her from the situation, say no and leave it at that for now. She knows she's done wrong as she cries.

Must be a girl thing my wee one is 19mths & a proper little madam. She's not talking much yet except for the words there, this & mammy, daddy....she comes up & smacks me or my son on the face....or bits or scratches....when I say no she throws herself on the floor, bangs her head etc....wee mare!!!
 
Very intresting thread. There are probably as many ways to disipline children as there are diets and there is no one size fits all.

I have three kids aged 12,11 and 9. The middle child is a boy who has extremely high iq but has adhd and also aspergers so I have really had all the behaviours thrown at me! He has also had alot of imput from psychaitry and a therapist as he was considered unadoptable when he came to us at 3 yrs old. I have had long chats with every kind of professional and we have found a way forwards which works for him and I tend to use the following. There may be something on here that helps?

He has a book which has five targets in it ( they stay the same) each day he has to tick each target and each target is worth 20p, current targets are 1) to follow the rules for xbox eg use the timer as arranged, turn off half hour before bed. 2) To be respectful to all family members 3) tell Mum about something nice that happened today etc etc. Pay day its all added up and paid out on a Sat.

I never ever punish for something happening in school(psychiatrist told me this as you will get into a negative cycle) If he is excluded, and thats not that unusual, I do the set work with him then take him swimming and the library and sod it if he's seen in public its pe and english isnt it! Then we always have a hot choc and cake on the way home.

Tell them something really positive at the end of each day, even if the day has been crap, you need to reconnect at the end of the day.

Really reinforce positive behaviour.

Remove a privalidge as a last resort.

Dangling carrots works better than waving sticks (positive reinforcement works better than punishment)


Use distraction even when they are older.


If one behaviour technique just dosent work after you have done it to death, try something else.

Remember a childs emotional literacy may be very delayed. For example when my son was 7 his IQ was aged 11 but his EQ or emotional maturity was just 18 mths old so this is why he didnt understand cause and effect, he hadnt got to that stage and therefore distraction was the only thing that would work until his emotional maturity had developed more.

Try to teach your child compromise and the same for yourself, some children find a very rigid approach difficult and saying to a lad of this age can we compromise her at all and reach an agreement that we both win may stop some heel digging.

Most of all, always parent from your heart.

I hope some of this may be helpful
 
Last edited:
big bear said:
Must be a girl thing my wee one is 19mths & a proper little madam. She's not talking much yet except for the words there, this & mammy, daddy....she comes up & smacks me or my son on the face....or bits or scratches....when I say no she throws herself on the floor, bangs her head etc....wee mare!!!

Mines slow at talking too. Think it's because he brother talks for her. Apparently I was the same though.
When she does something wrong and I say no, she turns around smiles and does it again!! Is she having a laugh.
I think I may have my hands full with this one. I can see tantrums in shops and all sorts. Never been embarrassed like that by my boy.
Then I think is it my fault as up until two weeks ago, she has pretty much ruled the roost. Took a look at the situation and thought 'no', this will only get worse, so have majorly clamped down.
With my lad everything had to be 'perfect' and was (and still am) pretty hard on him. He doesn't get away with much. I have been more relaxed since his sister has been born. But her, I have let a lot slide.
People do say your more relaxed with your second. That the first paves the way and the second just runs on through.........
 
Ill put my hands up straight away and say I dont have children but I do despair at times at my friends ideas of disciplining kids. One friend sends her son to his room as a 'punishment' This is the room with a TV, DVD player, PS3, Dsi, ipod and laptop among other things. Must be awful to be confined to a room like that :rolleyes:

One of my other friends has been known to send her kids to their room and remove all the goodies from it, and they get returned over a period of time. Shes also been known to remove her daughters bedroom door when she just refused point blank to tidy her room. 3 days of no door and the room was immaculate. Now the mere threat of the screwdriver works wonders.

My nieces get grounded or theyre not allowed to go to Sunbeams/Athletics/A party etc. Hitting where it hurts seems most effective.
 
Oh poor you, I'd be gutted if a friend spoke to me like this, it's such a personal thiing and I'd take it quite badly! My kids are 6 and 3 so am in a different situation to you, but I think the key to any discipline is being consistant and following through. I've seen so many people saying things like - if you don't stop that now we'll go home, kid carries on being a pain, parent doesn't take it home. What's the message there?! Perhaps decide what will have the biggest impact on your kids - not doing an activity, taking something away, cutting off their spending money etc and then when they've had fair warning follow through and remove it for a week. Let them know you're serious! Other than that, I'm stumped - I'm dreading mine getting older, it must be so hard. Good luck x
 
Ohhhhhhhhh I love these threads, it's so interesting to see what other people do.

Anyway when mine were very young I did smack, not all the time, but when I did it was 1 sharp smack. I did once ask DS to do something & he didn't I would always ask three times & then on third time when he hadn't done whatever I started to dismantle his duplo, oh my, never again, he couldn't do anything as he was far too upset with me, this I found was too severe & didn't have the effect I wanted it to, him being upset was far more than whatever I'd wanted him to do.

I did generally ask them to do something three times, on the third time I would remind them it was the final time & if they didn't do whatever they would have to sit on the chair/stairs, I didn't do 'naught step' or 'time out'. As they got older I sent them to their room & as Shirleen did I removed, tv, cd player, toys etc from their room.

I also made sure I never shouted at them for little things, & only raised my voice when something really naughty had happened. I was alway consistent, eg if I shouted at them for doing one thing one day & they did it again I'd still shout at them. I didn't shout at them for little things, like not taking their plates away after tea, I'd always remind them it needed doing.

I also remember what I read, 'remember the 3 F's, Fair, Firm, Fun, which I think we did.

Unfortunately you never know if you are doing the right thing or not, only now my children are 21 & 20 do I know I've done an ok job, my son has a good job, my daughter has a good job, neither of them have got children, do drugs or have been in trouble with the police.

Well my 20 year olds not too bad, people speak highly of her she has jobs and no trouble with the police as far as I know....will I be saying the same in 10 years about my son I'm not so sure at the moment :eek:
 
Very intresting thread. There are probably as many ways to disipline children as there are diets and there is no one size fits all.

I have three kids aged 12,11 and 9. The middle child is a boy who has extremely high iq but has adhd and also aspergers so I have really had all the behaviours thrown at me! He has also had alot of imput from psychaitry and a therapist as he was considered unadoptable when he came to us at 3 yrs old. I have had long chats with every kind of professional and we have found a way forwards which works for him and I tend to use the following. There may be something on here that helps?

He has a book which has five targets in it ( they stay the same) each day he has to tick each target and each target is worth 20p, current targets are 1) to follow the rules for xbox eg use the timer as arranged, turn off half hour before bed. 2) To be respectful to all family members 3) tell Mum about something nice that happened today etc etc. Pay day its all added up and paid out on a Sat.

I never ever punish for something happening in school(psychiatrist told me this as you will get into a negative cycle) If he is excluded, and thats not that unusual, I do the set work with him then take him swimming and the library and sod it if he's seen in public its pe and english isnt it! Then we always have a hot choc and cake on the way home.

Tell them something really positive at the end of each day, even if the day has been crap, you need to reconnect at the end of the day.

Really reinforce positive behaviour.

Remove a privalidge as a last resort.

Dangling carrots works better than waving sticks (positive reinforcement works better than punishment)


Use distraction even when they are older.


If one behaviour technique just dosent work after you have done it to death, try something else.

Remember a childs emotional literacy may be very delayed. For example when my son was 7 his IQ was aged 11 but his EQ or emotional maturity was just 18 mths old so this is why he didnt understand cause and effect, he hadnt got to that stage and therefore distraction was the only thing that would work until his emotional maturity had developed more.

Try to teach your child compromise and the same for yourself, some children find a very rigid approach difficult and saying to a lad of this age can we compromise her at all and reach an agreement that we both win may stop some heel digging.

Most of all, always parent from your heart.

I hope some of this may be helpful

Thanks for sharing that. He has been observed etc at school and they don't seem to see any underlying conditions etc for his behaviour, he is very bright and I think he does at times struggle with the fact that in some areas he is more developed than others. He is large build and has to use deodarant etc so more can be expected of him because of that too when at the end of the day he may look a lot older he is only a 10 year old child.

The book of targets sounds like something for me to think about, though he isn't always motivated by carrots or sticks if it was something written down he can see he may take it in better.
I would like to think I do a lot of what you do although am only human myself and do make mistakes too
 
Mines slow at talking too. Think it's because he brother talks for her. Apparently I was the same though.
When she does something wrong and I say no, she turns around smiles and does it again!! Is she having a laugh.
I think I may have my hands full with this one. I can see tantrums in shops and all sorts. Never been embarrassed like that by my boy.
Then I think is it my fault as up until two weeks ago, she has pretty much ruled the roost. Took a look at the situation and thought 'no', this will only get worse, so have majorly clamped down.
With my lad everything had to be 'perfect' and was (and still am) pretty hard on him. He doesn't get away with much. I have been more relaxed since his sister has been born. But her, I have let a lot slide.
People do say your more relaxed with your second. That the first paves the way and the second just runs on through.........

Just wait till you have the third ;)
My youngest was late talker and then suddenly he started coming out with big words and sentences and hasn't shut up since!
 
Ill put my hands up straight away and say I dont have children but I do despair at times at my friends ideas of disciplining kids. One friend sends her son to his room as a 'punishment' This is the room with a TV, DVD player, PS3, Dsi, ipod and laptop among other things. Must be awful to be confined to a room like that :rolleyes:

One of my other friends has been known to send her kids to their room and remove all the goodies from it, and they get returned over a period of time. Shes also been known to remove her daughters bedroom door when she just refused point blank to tidy her room. 3 days of no door and the room was immaculate. Now the mere threat of the screwdriver works wonders.

My nieces get grounded or theyre not allowed to go to Sunbeams/Athletics/A party etc. Hitting where it hurts seems most effective.

My boys have only really got a stereo in their room, when youngest is sent there I do sometimes allow him to have that still as music does help him to calm down but it does depend on why he's being sent there, if hes been really bad then he's not allowed to do that either!
Daughters door was taken off a few times in the past and its not something we wouldn't do with boys if it comes to it!
 
Oh poor you, I'd be gutted if a friend spoke to me like this, it's such a personal thiing and I'd take it quite badly! My kids are 6 and 3 so am in a different situation to you, but I think the key to any discipline is being consistant and following through. I've seen so many people saying things like - if you don't stop that now we'll go home, kid carries on being a pain, parent doesn't take it home. What's the message there?! Perhaps decide what will have the biggest impact on your kids - not doing an activity, taking something away, cutting off their spending money etc and then when they've had fair warning follow through and remove it for a week. Let them know you're serious! Other than that, I'm stumped - I'm dreading mine getting older, it must be so hard. Good luck x

She is a friend of many years and at times her straight talking has really helped but yesterday it wasn't asked for or neccessary. She just tells it as she sees it but its not as clear cut as that.
My mum says I do a great job and to stop beating myself up and mums are always right aren't they.....well most of the time :rolleyes:
 
*Emsie* said:
She is a friend of many years and at times her straight talking has really helped but yesterday it wasn't asked for or neccessary. She just tells it as she sees it but its not as clear cut as that.
My mum says I do a great job and to stop beating myself up and mums are always right aren't they.....well most of the time :rolleyes:

Maybe as he's bright he may need the whole 'consequences' thing explained to him, re: the exclusion from school, resulting in permanent exclusion, specialist units (and the other kids that go there not being the nice kids he's used to), then even perhaps Social services involvement. Not to scare him exactly well yes to scare him, but we know as adults that if we punch someone, for example that the result will be police custody and possible prison. So apart from knowing its wrong to do it, we also know we're in doodoo, if we do it.

At the moment he gets a few days to do schoolwork at home with mum, I can't see that I would mind that if I was 10! Exclusion is simply shunting the problem into the parents IMO.
Give him all the facts, every scenario and then put it to him that it's his choice.
 
Maybe as he's bright he may need the whole 'consequences' thing explained to him, re: the exclusion from school, resulting in permanent exclusion, specialist units (and the other kids that go there not being the nice kids he's used to), then even perhaps Social services involvement. Not to scare him exactly well yes to scare him, but we know as adults that if we punch someone, for example that the result will be police custody and possible prison. So apart from knowing its wrong to do it, we also know we're in doodoo, if we do it.

At the moment he gets a few days to do schoolwork at home with mum, I can't see that I would mind that if I was 10! Exclusion is simply shunting the problem into the parents IMO.
Give him all the facts, every scenario and then put it to him that it's his choice.

Yeah can understand why you say that but it has been done, he's so bizarre as it doesn't seem to stop it when he gets to 'that point' we do try to not make the excluded time fun and though he doesn't want to go to school to work he does like going to school to see freinds/girlfriend etc but yes we do tell him he is making the choice though I'm not sure it is a proper choice but don't know what stops him from making the right decisions
:sigh:
 
Back
Top