Do you struggle to see it yourself?

[LittleFlutterby]

Your weight loss I mean.

I don't know whether my feelings can be classed as the norm or not.

I have lost a lot of weight, and I have done before/now pictures (because i'm not done yet so its not "after"). even though i see a difference, I don't see that there is *that* much of a difference.

What I'm saying is, I struggle to see the difference between me at 22 1/2 stone and me at 14 stone 2lb.

Logically, I know that I'm smaller, I've lost nearly 40% of my body weight for goodness sake! Also the fact that I fit into size 16 clothes, rather than size 28....but its not logic i struggle with.

are there other people who have had similar experiences? People tell me how good I look all the time and I gotta be honest, I hate it. I don't believe them- even people who I trust to tell me the truth all the time I can't in my heart believe them.

I have BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) so my self image is just diabolical anyway. But....I just don't want to feel alone here, you know?

I just feel like a freak at the moment. I should be happy about my loss- but all I do is focus on my fatty bits (my stomach/boobs/arms/legs....) and think I'm still big.

Sometimes I have to stop myself from putting my foot in it too. It's like, often, when people see my before picture I say "yep- I was fat....well, I still am but you know what I mean" and people go MAD at me. They tell me not to be stupid. The thing is though, I genuinely think I AM fat (please understand- I use "fat" in an observational sense, not a negative judgement.)

But, if I saw someone else, same size as I am now, I wouldn't see them as fat. This is just about what I see about ME.

Sorry- this is all rambled, typical of me lol.

Are there any other people out there the same? I feel really isolated tonight

 

[Korrigan]

You're not alone honey. xx

Not sure I have BDD. I mean I know I'm fat. But even when I wasn't I thought I was hideous. I know why ~ I think that's the killer. The logic is there but I can't seem to get past the cr*p to get to it.

To cut a long story short my ex drilled it into me I was too ugly to love from about the time our children were born (and being very slim himself he always had an issue with my weight, anything over 10 stone was obese). And he wasn't wrong tbh. The face is OK (especially when I'm thinner) but 2 sections have not left my stomach in the best of shapes. And that's all I see when I look at me.

That more than anything is the issue I have. I want to be slimmer because I want to be healthier and have more choice when it comes to clothes. But I know whether I'm 2 stone or 4 stone lighter than I am now I will still see fat, ugly me in the mirror.

 

[Lottie12]

Oh little flutterby, I wish you could see what others do. I wont tell you that you look great (oh sorry just did !) as I know it will fall on deaf ears.

But I refuse to hold back on saying that you are funny and articulate and have an enviable sense of honesty when writing about your feelings that makes you sound really clever.

I think the thing I most admire about is the fact that you struggle so much with self image yet you continue to follow sw, I would imagine it would be so easy to fall of the wagon when you cant appreciate the tremendous progress you have made.

I think you are just great (but I also want to shake you, just a little bit !)

 

[Lonestitcher]

I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME!!!!!!

I've lost 6 1/2 stone.
I'm in smaller clothes.
I had to get my engagement ring made smaller - just to keep my wedding ring on.
I went on holiday last year - didn't have to ask for an extender seatbelt - and even had room in the 'normal' one.

However, I find myself justifying the loss.

I've lost the weight - but I still have a bit to go...
I'm in smaller clothes - yes, but I only shop at XX and of course their clothes are a bigger cut, and my jeans have a small elasticated panel - it must have stretched out!!
The seatbelts must be bigger on this aircraft... etc etc.
Even needing my rings re-sized doesn't feel 'real' - like a true reflection of weight loss...

THERE IS LIGHT ON THE HORIZON!!...

I recently went away with the OH and some of his Astro friends. No-one commented on my weight loss (they didn't know me until I'd already started my SW journey) and I felt 'normal'.

So now I know what to do - Ditch the friends and family who knew me bigger, who supported me, never criticised me and who made me feel loved - and find random strangers who I've only recently met to make me feel 'normal'

Can't see that happening, so I guess I'm just left with feeling like me - pretty abnormal!! - but I guess that's NORMAL for ME!!!!

 

[Lottie12]

That made me chuckle lonestitcher !

I think its really interesting that you allow yourself to feel normal with people who never knew you when you were bigger. I suppose in the natural order of things these people will grow in number(,whilst of course still keeping the lovely supportive faithfuls in your life) and you will perceive yourself as more and more regular. I do hope so

 

[LittleFlutterby]

You're not alone honey. xx

Not sure I have BDD. I mean I know I'm fat. But even when I wasn't I thought I was hideous. I know why ~ I think that's the killer. The logic is there but I can't seem to get past the cr*p to get to it.

To cut a long story short my ex drilled it into me I was too ugly to love from about the time our children were born (and being very slim himself he always had an issue with my weight, anything over 10 stone was obese). And he wasn't wrong tbh. The face is OK (especially when I'm thinner) but 2 sections have not left my stomach in the best of shapes. And that's all I see when I look at me.

That more than anything is the issue I have. I want to be slimmer because I want to be healthier and have more choice when it comes to clothes. But I know whether I'm 2 stone or 4 stone lighter than I am now I will still see fat, ugly me in the mirror.

Someone close to me in my family drilled my imperfections into me for many years. Someone said to me if you get told the same things over and over again you will start to believe them. It's now imprinted in my brain. I believe that if people pay me a compliment that they're either lying or after something. Which isn't fair on those people, because they are being genuine and kindhearted.

I do "take" them better though, with a sheepish "thank you".

I usually avoid mirrors like the plague. For the sole reason- if I am near one I become obsessive- staring at the areas I hate the most. One time, not so long ago, I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror in the changing room at work. After clocking back in, I realised that I had been staring for 20 minutes! That's just not right!

It's worse at the moment, because they've gotten rid of all the card/magazine stands which were blocking the windows. During the day it's fine, but when it gets dark, the windows are basically really big mirrors. So whenever I'm at checkouts, or walking down the aisles TO checkouts- all I can see is me- and it makes me feel ill

I'm going to speak to someone at work (the training coordinator) tomorrow, I find her pretty approachable. I want to see if there's some kind of counselling service, I'm sure someone mentioned it to me when I first started, when I requested a long sleeved top due to not wanting to show off my self injury marks. I'll ask tomorrow. I think I really need help- I'm just not in a great place- it's worrying me.

what you describe (with the focussing on the 1 area mainly) does scream BDD, but I'm not a medical professional so can't comment. But I would suggest going to chat to your doc and get a referral to the mental health team. To be fair, they told me there wasn't much they could do....hence why I've been reluctant to do anything until now.

But hope it works out for you, for both of us, I really do xxxx

Oh little flutterby, I wish you could see what others do. I wont tell you that you look great (oh sorry just did !) as I know it will fall on deaf ears.

But I refuse to hold back on saying that you are funny and articulate and have an enviable sense of honesty when writing about your feelings that makes you sound really clever.

I think the thing I most admire about is the fact that you struggle so much with self image yet you continue to follow sw, I would imagine it would be so easy to fall of the wagon when you cant appreciate the tremendous progress you have made.

I think you are just great (but I also want to shake you, just a little bit !)

Thank you lovely *hugs* One thing I take pride on is my honesty. I'm selective. Ironically, I'm being open on the internet- but most people who read this don't know me personally, it kinda seems safer to rant and be myself on here. I can't even rant on my blog because my family read it *le sigh* I do rant about some things, but there are some I really can't talk about, sadly.

I do know my personality is pretty awesome. I'm dry and sarcastic, and pretty witty when I've had my cuppa- at least I can see some good points It's progress, not perfection. I just hope to be a bit closer to perfection eventually!

I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME!!!!!!

I've lost 6 1/2 stone.
I'm in smaller clothes.
I had to get my engagement ring made smaller - just to keep my wedding ring on.
I went on holiday last year - didn't have to ask for an extender seatbelt - and even had room in the 'normal' one.

However, I find myself justifying the loss.

I've lost the weight - but I still have a bit to go...
I'm in smaller clothes - yes, but I only shop at XX and of course their clothes are a bigger cut, and my jeans have a small elasticated panel - it must have stretched out!!
The seatbelts must be bigger on this aircraft... etc etc.
Even needing my rings re-sized doesn't feel 'real' - like a true reflection of weight loss...

THERE IS LIGHT ON THE HORIZON!!...

I recently went away with the OH and some of his Astro friends. No-one commented on my weight loss (they didn't know me until I'd already started my SW journey) and I felt 'normal'.

So now I know what to do - Ditch the friends and family who knew me bigger, who supported me, never criticised me and who made me feel loved - and find random strangers who I've only recently met to make me feel 'normal'

Can't see that happening, so I guess I'm just left with feeling like me - pretty abnormal!! - but I guess that's NORMAL for ME!!!!

Oh I justify why I HAVEN'T done as well as I have, all the time. "wow you've lost over 8 stone" "yeah, but I have over a stone and a half to go, at LEAST" being the most common.

I think you have a point- I'm going to just move somewhere, where people don't know me and just be treated like a normal-sized person.

Wait- I have to take myself with me? dammit! no fair!

Totally with you with the "abnormal" thing- I think if I started thinking like a "normal", garden variety person...I'd freak myself out!!