Feeling fat - even after LL?

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by gaijingirl, 5 May 2007 Social URL.

  1. gaijingirl

    gaijingirl has lying hips

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    So I am now at the original goal I set myself - 11 stone 7lbs. But now I'm here I feel - in a strange way - almost as bad about my body as before..

    I did have an inital rush of elation at being so much slimmer - being able to wear "normal" clothes etc. But now, I go into the shops and feel upset that I can't wear everything or fit into a size 10. I have lots of loose skin and still get rolls of flesh if I wear tight tops. I know I will lose some of that with exercise and toning. Also I'm back in abstinence now (after an enforced break) to lose another stone or so.

    But - the problem, I'm realising, is that even if I were a size 8 I don't think I'd be happy. I still feel super critical of my body and look longingly (I know it's a mug's game) at picture of celebs on beaches in bikinis wishing I could look like that.

    The thing is I'm an intelligent, mid-30s woman who should know better. I just recently analysed and wrote about women's magazines for a postgrad essay. I discuss this sort of thing with friends all the time. I know it's all bollocks basically - that I can't go by society's rules for what is right because you'll always be either too thin or too fat! But I'm beginning to wonder how much of it is society and how much is in my head??

    Why can't I be happy with what I have and celebrate it?? :(
     
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  3. Geri

    Geri Gold Member

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    Hiya GG :D

    Congratulations on your weightloss todate, and being able to get back into abstienance after your planned break...:D

    You're not alone with how you feel, it takes a while for your head to catch up sometimes...

    Own your acheivements girl, size 10 wow how brilliant is that
    :p How about putting your before and almost finished pictures side by side, so that you can actually see it?

    As you know most pictures of celebs in mags have been airbrushed, so they don't look like that in real life anyway!

    sending you positive vibes for getting the final stone off :p Have a chat with your group and counsellor too, sure she'll have some wize words for you :)

    love
    geri
    x
     
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  4. girlygirl

    girlygirl Silver Member

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    I have loose skin too and it gets me down.

    I think you just have to accept that, unless you have the cash for a lot of body improvement surgery - not just a TT, cos my bottom and inner thighs and underarms etc look awful now - you will never have the body you once thought you could achieve.

    We are paying the price for having become heavily overweight. And the 'fat' feelings will probably always plague us. We just have to consider what we've achieved, and how difficult it was at times, and pat ourselves on the back.

    I was kinda shattered when I viewed pics of successful, 'good' result TTs. That scar...

    Imagine yourself free of tummy apron and flab - but with a hip to hip scar. Better, but by no means perfect. I think such a scar would really bother me. You wouldn't want anyone to see it.

    Why is it so difficult for us to accept our imperfections and limitations? Perhaps because we look at the Demi Moores of this world, with their $300,000-plus worth of surgery, and their beautiful younger lovers, and make unfair comparisons.

    We really shouldn't, but it's so hard not to.
     
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  5. harri

    harri Full Member

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    I had a tummy tuck last year prior to starting LL and 3 months after having my second child. For me the roll of fat hanging around my mid-rift was far more unbearable than a scar from hip to hip, the surgery has changed the way i feel about my body completely. Before I had the TT my husband was lucky to see me naked in the dark! Now I really don't care because it was my tummy that made me feel fat even though i have weight to lose everywhere. I am now on lighterlife to lose the weight that is spread throughout the rest of my body and so i can feel more active.I would recommend this drastic surgery to anyone who felt totally repulsed by their own body as I did for too many years, it truly has changed me. The surgery is nothing to take lightly tho, it is the most painful experience I have ever had ( 100 x worse than my two C-sections) but the overall result for me has been fantstic ( i can also recommend a fantastic, caring and understanding surgeon). I hope this gives you another perspective?:D
     
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  6. Cerulean

    Cerulean Gold Member

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    I'm starting to notice that this will be something I have to face too. These are precisely the weights and shapes we were when the whole vicious mess over our self esteem and self abuse began so getting back here was always going to be 'interesting'.

    Maybe focus on what you can have rather than what you will never have - we're in our 30s we've stretched ourselves to b*ggery and we may spring back a bit in the next year - but we might not. What you do have is good fitness levels and what you can have now that you couldn't have before is harder training and higher fitness levels - you can build the perfect body for a 30something meaning that you'll be a damn fine 40 50 60 and 70 something (and beyond!) if you had stayed the old way you would have started to deteriorate in the next couple of years - that's not going to happen now.

    You are also very pretty, and you have your boy already ;) - you don't have to sashay out of the sea and have the eyes of every man on the beach on you (although who can say what will happen in a good tankini) - but what you can most definitely be is a pretty girl in well fitting clothes that turns heads every day - after all how much of our lives do we spend in bikinis?!

    It will take work. It will take relaxing into the new you. Do you have any of the old clothes? Put the old trousers or top on if you have it - or even go into a shop and try your old size on. Never forget how much you've achieved and how inspirational you've been. You're bl**dy amazing!
     
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  7. Mrs Lard

    Mrs Lard Silver Member

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    Hello gaijingirl

    So glad you posted as it's a good place to contact you rather than via your wonderful blog. You posed the question...

    "Why can't I be happy with what I have and celebrate it??"

    Why indeed? The more I stay on LL (nearly ending week 10), the more I realise it really isn't about the food or my body but it's so much about my mind. And I wonder if that's the same for others?

    Perhaps you need to grieve for the fantasy person that you thought you would be at this age (you haven't suddenly decided to fixate on others' bodies - this is a result of long-term media saturation) and start celebrating the person that you are? I wonder if you have really appreciated just how far you have come and what you have achieved? Because it's all incredible and you need to acknowledge that.

    I wonder if you have come to terms with why you put on the weight in the first place? And because you're so hard on yourself, have you forgiven yourself for what was once a very effective strategy (eating too much) to cope? It served you once - and maybe only once - but somehow it became a strategy for all of us. That's what we have in common.

    Maybe I am way off target but I think until we all come to terms with how we got here (and I have found that a sad/challenging/strange/funny process), we can't move forward and...celebrate/be happy with who we are.

    For some, it means surgery, for others it means extreme exercise and for the rest it means trying to accept the new, not so taut body. Each of us has to find our way with a new way of living.

    I wish you well GG; as you know, your blog was inspirational to me as I was contemplating and starting LighterLife. You've done SO well, faced so many demons and just pushed yourself so hard. Once your studying commitments are done, why not stand back and see for yourself what you have achieved? I think once you do that, you will feel happier.

    Until you let go of that perfectionism, you won't be happy, in spite of your achievements. You DO have a lovely man, who loves you for YOU, you're a bright girl (very bright) and the world really is your oyster. Work on your mind and the rest will follow. Well, that's what I have to say to myself right now!

    Good luck.

    Take care.

    Mrs L xxxxxxxxxxx
     
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  8. jane

    jane Opinionated

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    Read your post with interest.
    I imagine the thoughts 7 insecurities you describe so openly are to some degree present in all of us.

    Possibly because you haven't given yourself permission to do so.
    You've got into the mind set of wanting/needing to improve yourself with the idea of deferred self congratulation,but forgotten the end whilst remaining pr-occupied with the process.

    take time out .do like cerulean said & try being your old self in old clothes to underline how much you've achieved.
    Please be nice to yourself.you deserve it.;) :D
     
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  9. gaijingirl

    gaijingirl has lying hips

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    WOW - what amazing responses. I have read and re-read this thread. It has really really made me think.

    Geri - not a size 10, but a 14 at the moment. Where I ought to be happy I feel. You're not the first to mention the picture thing but I've dismissed that idea so far - but I'm going to take your advice and put the pics on my bedroom mirror. I hate looking at my before picture - I almost loathe that woman.

    This is so true - I felt really down yesterday after looking at some gossip magazine. It had before and after pictures of celebs who had slimmed down to beautiful bodies - their before weights (according to the magazines) were all less than my after weight!! :eek: :( I know I know I know I shouldn't compare. I tried stopping reading the magazines for a week but I think I'm addicted...!

    Harri - thanks for your perspective and I might take you up on your offer some day. We still want kids so I don't suppose it's worth it now but I do feel similarly about my "apron". I reckon chop that off and I'd lose another 7lbs or so!! :eek:

    This made me really think. I guess I had in my head that getting here would be some kind of nirvana - not arriving back at where I started off!! Thank goodness for the counselling eh!! You're bloody amazing too!! :)

    - your post I read and re-read.. I think the perfectionism thing is key though. I just need a magic pill to change me from this highly strung - gotta do it perfectly person!! I need to loosen up my mind to match my loose body (my counsellor would SO tell me off for saying that! :D ). And goddamit if i'm going to loosen up i'm going to do it properly.... errr... ah... :confused: :D

    Jane - you've convinced me to have another go at weaning myself off the magazines. I guess I feel they're a real "treat" for me - a way to relax - but I need to find something else - bring novels with me places to read instead of magazines. They've been the antithesis to all the stressful academic reading I do I guess - so totally unchallenging!! But you're right - they are damaging. :(

    Thanks everyone for such thoughtful responses - there's a lot of time and thinking gone into those. I'm going to go back and read it all again now.
     
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  10. Kate

    Kate CDC/PT/PITA

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    I think this might be part of the problem. If your self-acceptance is conditional, you will never stop giving yourself a hard time. Maybe you need to make peace with "that woman".
     
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  11. Tiger Girl

    Tiger Girl Full Member

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    Hey GG
    I really wanted to add to the support on this thread for you. When I was around the week 3 mark I found your blog and read the whole lot in one session, it was right up to your departure for Japan. It was such an inspiration to me as it was so honest and really focused on the emotional side of losing weight on a VLCD. I really hope you know that your blog has been a real inspiration to many of us on here.

    So, to add to this thread...I work in a media role and I really have to say, it's all a load of airbrushed nonsense. It's so hard when we look at celebs who have had a so called 'incredible weight loss', when they've either been carrying a few extra pounds for approximately 5 minutes, or they just weren't that big to start with. It's so overly hyped and manipulated, you seriously cant believe or trust any of it. And we're left blinded by our own shortcomings and it's completely soul destroying. Particularly when on this journey. Where so much emotional time has been invested in understanding why things got so bad and why we've not been able to take control of the situation.

    I'm currently going through a 'why did I not do this 5 years ago' phase. In my mid 30's I've found myself single (all related to my issues with my weight) and just want to wind the clock back. But of course I can't. I so empathise with your initial post on this thread, and it's so frustrating that the things I thought would be "the answer" as a slim person may just not quite be what I thought they would! I'm probably very guilty of thinking that being slim is the answer to anything and everything - my rational brain is now challenging this one, and never more so than this week. When I hit the 4st + loss I realised how noticeable my loss was becoming and certainly the fantastic comments have been most welcomed. So why have I had the hardest week since starting the programme? Still trying to work that one out!
    I guess my point is that no matter what the physical side says, the trick surely is to get the mind body and soul moving as one well oiled wheel. I've not been lucky with my LLC, whilst she's incredibly supportive she's no counseller and really struggles with that side of the programme. So I've ended up going elsewhere for the level of support I need on that front. And it's so been worth it. Yes, the questions that are coming up are truly challenging to answer and no doubt are playing a part in why I'm finding it so hard just now, but I've got to face the demons!

    I really hope you get through this phase, and I'm sure it's just exactly that - a phase. You have done so incredibly well. I know sometimes people can say this until they change colour and it still doesn't alter how you're feeling inside, but I'm hoping that all of the fantastic posts on this thread are doing some of the job!
    x
     
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  12. In search of me

    In search of me Silver Member

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    Thanks for the hoest post & all the responses. Having ll my hair cut off has made me wonder about this - I always wanted long hair again (after my sylph like 18 yr old size 8 self had long hair) so took ages to grow it but realised that it didnt suit me. Chopped it off and feel SOOO much more "me"! Made me wonder whether I would feel the same being slim but KNOW that being fat for me is never an option again. Its not just the physical but the self confidence (or total lack of) that makes me know that. I know that the loose skin will be an issue (my thighs look dire - big pocket of skin at the top) and its unlikely that I will ever be the size 8 I was but like the diet this is a journey of healing...gainj - ditch the mags we can never achieve that and neither should we want to! They are soo obsessed about being slim that they are often unhealthy, obsessed with excercise and most have an eating disorder plus they dont live ordinary lives!
    If you want a lovely book try the 5 people you meet in heaven - its lovely & a quick read - just to get you out of the mags!! Big hugs!
     
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  13. fatpossum

    fatpossum Silver Member

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    I love the mags!!

    Hi Chaps,

    Since beginning the LL diet I have started reading more and more women's mags. When once I used to buy myself a nice bottle of wine, now I will buy a couple of magazines.

    It's true that they are full of pictures of 'lovely youngs things' (and I see from this thread that some find this depressing) but they also contain pictures of 'celebs' on their 'off days' and this provides a refreshing view of reality. Nobody looks good all of the time.

    I can't begin to imagine what Demi Moore looks like before she's been "prepared" for her public. Imagine the number of scars she must have under all of that make up and those lovely clothes. Some of these 'stars' spend two weeks (yes two whole weeks!!) preparing for one outing on the red carpet. They are lipoed, body brushed, botoxed, filled, buffed, body wrapped and primped and then they are covered in several layers of make up, swathed in designer fabric and sent out!! It's not real.

    Once we all had lovely bodies (we were young and everything was 'new') but time passes and we all change. Lines appear and we see 'faults' develop but that happens to everyone. Compare the pictures of Twiggy - the real ones (where she looks her age) which sometimes appear in the mags and then the pictures we see in the M&S ads - there is no comparison. One is an illusion and one is the reality.

    Beauty is not synonymous with youth or taut skin and we can't be carved up into sections (I am sure parts of you are excellent!) its about an overall appearance. Nothing looks better on a woman's face than a look of confidence which comes from knowing that you are all that you can be at that very moment in time.

    So let's not 'sweat the small stuff' and let's look at the bigger picture. You are healthy, slimmer and in your clothes you will be looking excellent (just like Demi) and out of your clothes you may look a little less perfect (just like Demi!!) but then the only people to see you then will be you and those who love you.

    Let's love our bodies - it's where we live!
     
  14. fatpossum

    fatpossum Silver Member

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    I love the mags!!

    Hi Chaps,

    Since beginning the LL diet I have started reading more and more women's mags. When once I used to buy myself a nice bottle of wine, now I will buy a couple of magazines.

    It's true that they are full of pictures of 'lovely youngs things' (and I see from this thread that some find this depressing) but they also contain pictures of 'celebs' on their 'off days' and this provides a refreshing view of reality. Nobody looks good all of the time.

    I can't begin to imagine what Demi Moore looks like before she's been "prepared" for her public. Imagine the number of scars she must have under all of that make up and those lovely clothes. Some of these 'stars' spend two weeks (yes two whole weeks!!) preparing for one outing on the red carpet. They are lipoed, body brushed, botoxed, filled, buffed, body wrapped and primped and then they are covered in several layers of make up, swathed in designer fabric and sent out!! It's not real.

    Once we all had lovely bodies (we were young and everything was 'new') but time passes and we all change. Lines appear and we see 'faults' develop but that happens to everyone. Compare the pictures of Twiggy - the real ones (where she looks her age) which sometimes appear in the mags and then the pictures we see in the M&S ads - there is no comparison. One is an illusion and one is the reality.

    Beauty is not synonymous with youth or taut skin and we can't be carved up into sections (I am sure parts of you are excellent!) its about an overall appearance. Nothing looks better on a woman's face than a look of confidence which comes from knowing that you are all that you can be at that very moment in time.

    So let's not 'sweat the small stuff' and let's look at the bigger picture. You are healthy, slimmer and in your clothes you will be looking excellent (just like Demi) and out of your clothes you may look a little less perfect (just like Demi!!) but then the only people to see you then will be you and those who love you.

    Let's love our bodies - it's where we live!
     
  15. gaijingirl

    gaijingirl has lying hips

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    Well I have made a pact with gaijinboy. I did try to wean myself off the women's mags once before - unsuccessfully. Like FatPossum my intake has increased since being on LL - it's my treat. But, I'm beginning to think it's doing me more harm than good tbh. I LOVE looking at the clothes though - that's the thing - especially now that I can wear them. Nevertheless, this week, I'm going to try not to buy any and if I don't, he's going to not play his computer in bed at night (which I hate!).

    I had a big slip up on Sunday night when all this just got on top of me. This 2nd time round on abstinence has been a major struggle! But, surprisingly I woke up yesterday NOT feeling full of guilt but actually quite positive and went straight back onto my foodpacks. I only really have a few weeks left before I can go back into maintenance properly and then I can start training again for my triathlon - which is when I really start to feel good about my body, there's nothing that feels better than to come back after a 5k run having shaved a few minutes off your time - so just need to keep my eyes on the prize.

    Thanks everyone for such great support.
     
  16. jane

    jane Opinionated

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    It sounds as if you are mentally standing back from the stoies/pics in the mags as you read them. Treating them more like the window dressing rather than real life.
    By doing this you do not find your self maikng direct comparisons with yourself. I applaude your ability to do this, & it makes it a totally harmless 'treat'

    I personally find the mags make me feel a mixture of disbelief & discomforture.I am also quite old so find that I've not even heard of many of the people featured..I then retreat into an amused 'old fogeyism'

    However I am also aware that there have been studies done trying to measure the 'self esteem' or feelings of 'Attractiveness' held by women & compared before & after reading glossy fashion/women's mags.
    They were,as you might expect,lower after a good session at the mags.

    I imagine that our learned G-G knows of this research.
    More omportantly she probably knows about the methodology used.Most importantly weather the measuring tools had been validated etc.

    I'm not tying to discourage you from what sounds like a v useful tool to aid your weight loss.
    I'm really being devils advocate here, to promote debate.
    hope you haven't taken my posts as a dig at you:)



    You're a triathlete!
    Bet Demi moore couldn't do that!!!
     
  17. AmandaJayne

    AmandaJayne Trainee Maintainer

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    Mornin' Gajingirl!

    You've started a great thread here, lots of food for thought for me.

    I hope you're feeling better about yourself after reading all the wise words from the likes of Gerri, Girlygirl, Harri, Cerulean, Mrs Lard, Jane, Kate, Tiger Girl, Fatpossum, and ISOM. Thanks girls, your posts have really made me think about my image perception.

    I think it may be significant that you read lots of these magazines, Gaijingirl. Perhaps subconsciously you believe that those pictures are what you must aim for - that level of perfection.

    I do dip in to these magazines myself from time to time and see the wonderful airbrushed photos of celebs which are just unobtainable for me. I too have lots of loose skin here and there which only surgery could deal with. I don't think that having a scar would be a problem, but surgery is something pretty major for me. I have an aversion to pain, avoid hospitals generally, and fear dying under the knife. What would my children do without me?

    Perhaps though that's just an excuse. I have been thinking about approaching my gp for a referral to have a tummy tuck (on the NHS), but simply don't have the heart for it. Are the risks worth it for me?

    I suppose it all goes to show that we all react differently to the similar circumstances we find ourselves in. I am thoroughly enjoying my new slim shape and are coming to terms with the fact that the loose skin is probably here to stay so I'd better get used to accepting it. Let's face it, I have lots of much more important things to deal with. I guess that that brings things into perspective for me.

    Perhaps you might need to get things into perspective too, Gaijingirl?

    Take care, AJ.

    p.s. How are your cats? I still miss my Tabby like mad, but have made friends with next door's cat. Myself and Penny were having a 'rubbing' session in the garden this morning. That is, Penny was rubbing her scent all over me to mark her territory (!). She has also started sharpening her claws on Tabby's scratching post (our back gate). It's great to see it being used again.
     
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  19. gaijingirl

    gaijingirl has lying hips

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    You're right of course AJ! The loose skin is nothing when compared to the weight I had before. Not being Kelly Brook or Denise Van Outen ought to be the least of my worries. But I guess it's just that it goes a bit deeper than that. I suspect that even if I did have a body like that I would still have these body issues.

    However, I also know that a lot of my self esteem around my body comes from how I use it rather than how it looks - so I'm hoping once I get up and running again and in proper exercise training - that I will feel better about myself? Maybe tone up a bit too.

    Maybe one day I will have a TT but since we're planning to have kids some point in the next few years (hopefully) there's no point thinking about that now (not to mention my lack of income!!) - I suspect that once kids are here that will slip WAY down my list of priorities!! :D

    Cats are doing really well. We've stopped feeding them meat and only give them dried food now (Science Plan) and they're behaving in a much less psychotic manner!! They're so adorable and cheeky and wonderful!
     
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  20. Dom1979

    Dom1979 Gold Member

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    Hmmmmmmmmmmm, SUCH an interesting thread!

    I don't know who knows me and who doesn't, so quick history. Started LL in Jan 2006, weighing in at 16.01. Started management in April 2006 weighing 11.13, and by week 5 of management weighed 10.13. Then, for personal reasons (an exploding life!), did not finish management. Have slowly regained, and am now maintaining between 12.07 and 12.12. Am not happy at this weight, and would like to be 11.07.

    I'm really struggling at the moment, and at 12.09 feel absolutely huge! I don't think it's due to comparing myself to magazines, more to my idea of what my 'perfect' body looks like. I liked the size of my body when I was 11.07, although I would have preferred it to be more toned.

    I'm not completeley delusional - I read gossip mags like they are about to be banned - but I'm hyperaware that a lot of them are little more (less?) than body fascism. In fact, I once wrote to Heat asking them exactly how much I should weigh, as one week they were praising stars for their 'curves' (ugh, hate that patronising term), and the next week they were criticising stars (some of them the same ones) for larding it on! Funnily enough, it didn't get printed.

    Does this stop me from reading mags? No, because I love reading them!!

    I think that, when i had a BMI of 32, just being BMI 25 was enough. I didn't even have the confidence to set a goal weight, I never believed it was possible. Now, I know it is possible, and want more for myself than 'just' being healthy (although being healthy is brilliant, and I highly recommend it!).

    Another thing I have noticed is that doing a VLCD turned me into a bit of an instant-results addict. I still think that cutting down a little bit is going to give me the numbers I want on the scales/tape measure/clothes label within a couple of weeks. Er, hello? Interestingly, it was a magazine that is helping me change this mindset - it was an article comparing Denise Van Outen with Britney Spears, and saying that DvO's bod had been achieved by a year of healthy eating and exercise(including yoga), and BS's was possibly surgery and extreme dieting/exercise. I practice yoga, and have noticed how much better about my body it makes me feel. Reading that article just made something 'click' - it might take a year, so what?!! What is it that is making me want to be perfect instantly? OK, I have a few wedding coming up, but is my attendance at these weddings dependant on a perfect body? How about NO!!!!!!

    I could write for hours, so will draw my 2p's worth to a close here, but thanks for providing some very interesting thoughts (for me anyway!).
     
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  21. gaijingirl

    gaijingirl has lying hips

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    Heh heh - I read that article too Dom! They went to great lengths to point out "problem areas" of BS's body! But I also found it a bit depressing because that was yet another article where DvO's "before" body was still better than my "after" body! :mad:

    I do know what you mean about instant results though - I am coming to the conclusion that I don't need to write myself off just yet - I've ditched the fat but I think that more can be done (not least in my head!).
     
  22. Dom1979

    Dom1979 Gold Member

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    No way do you need to write yourself off yet! For a start, certain parts of me look a lot better at this weight than at 10.13 - my poor boobies looked like wombles noses at that weight!

    Also, exercise, daily body lotion and time really do both make a huge difference. I may not be a size 12 with a flat toned tummy (yet), but I sure as sh1t don't have any cellulite anymore! All I do is cycle to and from work (20 mins each way), and yoga practice between 1 and 6 times a week. The yoga bit is newish, and makes a huge difference. I don't think it makes any difference what you do though, as long as you enjoy it enough to do it regularly.....
     
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