Goals: internal vs external aims

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by Laura Croft, 12 January 2010 Social URL.

  1. Laura Croft

    Laura Croft Happily maintaining

    Posts:
    1,944
    Likes Received:
    38
    Diet:
    Healthy eating, was CD
    I was just reading on another forum about reasons people were dieting. Some of the reasons were so exciting, I had butterflies for some of the people. Some of reasons I could really relate to.

    Then I began to think about my motivations for losing weight, and how am I keeping the weight off this time. I don't have any hot dates coming up (unfortunately!), no parties, etc so what is keeping me going.

    My first time around on CD I had a big work do, I hit target, I looked great (even if I do say so myself) but soon the compliments stopped coming, I could only arrange to meet so many people I hadn't seen for ages(!) but there was still a lot of emptiness inside.

    You see eating wasn't the cause of why I was overweight, food was just the way I'd dealt with things. I'd never been on a strict diet like this before and all those times of me saying 'If only I were thin, this wouldn't have happened' weren't actually true. There was no divine intervention and I realised I wasn't being punished because I was fat. Rude people were still rude, I still looked awful when I got caught in the rain without an umbrella and fat days were still fat days.

    Sure, I looked to be happier a person on the outside and to some degree on the inside too, but my motivation for losing weight was based on external reasons and not internal.

    So I relapsed to try and fill that void, and for this and other reasons I was back to square one. I knew when I lost weight the second time I had to get right with self-esteem, I needed to address the things going on in my head and I needed to not just know but also practice that happiness had to come from within.

    I've not discussed the work I did on self-esteem etc with anyone but one close friend yet it's amazing how many people have commented on the fact I look much happier and healthier this time around even though I weigh just the same as I did before.

    And it's true - I'm more balanced, I'm more self-aware and my motivation for keeping my weight down is based on feeling healthy and things that make me happy, not external validation.

    So why this why now? I guess what I'm trying to say (and unfortunately succint isn't my middle name) to not forget about the person you are inside, that there's much more to you than a number on the scale or how much the number has dropped this week. And if you know that same deep void feeling, please think about doing a check-in with yourself so once you hit goal, you don't try and fill it with food like I did.

    Thanks :)
     
    Last edited: 14 January 2010
    Aaleigha likes this.
  2. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Matched Content

  3. mrsessex

    mrsessex Gold Member

    Posts:
    2,714
    Likes Received:
    72
    Goal Weight:
    10st7lb
    Diet:
    Cambridge
    Brill post as usual from you :)

    Your posts are always so thought provoking

    Thanks ... I needed that especially as I'm working up the plans from next week! Eeeeek
     
  4. Caz

    Caz Slimming down the aisle

    Posts:
    13,652
    Likes Received:
    95
    Start Weight:
    19st1.5lb
    Current Weight:
    18st6.8lb
    Goal Weight:
    13st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st8.7lb(3.25%)
    Diet:
    Calorie Counting / SML / Orlistat
    Great post! I totally get what you're saying and I've been thinking the same today. My decision this time around isn't about looking good for x, y or z. It's just about looking good for me, all the time. It's about being able to look in the mirror and actually look, and be happy with who and what i see. To be the confident person that I pretend to be. I want to be comfortable with myself in my own skin. I want to not run away from every camera I see! I want to just be healthy and happy. I want to not be embarrassed by who I am. And for once I want to not feel the token fat girl in my group of friends, or at uni or wherever. But I know that a lot of that will involve work that isn't just losing the weight. It won't just suddenly fix every screw loose that's in my head!

    Anyway, enough rambling from me!
     
    Last edited: 12 January 2010
  5. x-Katie-x

    x-Katie-x Gold Member

    Posts:
    7,169
    Likes Received:
    106
    Start Weight:
    17st7lb
    Current Weight:
    11st6lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st0lb
    Lost(%):
    6st1lb(34.69%)
    Diet:
    Exante
    That really is an excellent post - thanks for sharing. You're so right, I think it's so easy to forget the inner you while concentrating solely on what is seen from the outside ----- cheers, I'll give that some thought.
     
  6. Porgeous

    Porgeous Chilling

    Posts:
    7,066
    Likes Received:
    473
    Start Weight:
    14st1lb
    Current Weight:
    8st10lb
    Lost(%):
    5st5lb(38.07%)
    Diet:
    CD SS
    Spot on Laura and a really great and thought provoking post. Weight loss is not a miracle cure to solve all our troubles. When the novelty wears off you are left with just yourself. You have to value your achievement for you and you alone.

    xx
     
  7. Lily

    Lily Gold Member

    Posts:
    6,403
    Likes Received:
    153
    Start Weight:
    16st11.0lb
    Current Weight:
    15st10.0lb
    Goal Weight:
    13st7.0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st1lb(6.38%)
    Diet:
    VLCD
    Brilliant post. I can identify with just about all you say - and I didn't even make it to goal, just got a lot slimmer.

    But...

    How do I get to where you are now? How do I move my focus from what the scales say to my self-esteem? That probably sounds like a really stupid question, but I don't know how to phrase it any other way. What work did you need to do on your self-esteem - and how did you do it?

    I know that that's what I need to do - work on my self-esteem. At least, I think I do. :confused: So how do you do it?
     
  8. Laura Croft

    Laura Croft Happily maintaining

    Posts:
    1,944
    Likes Received:
    38
    Diet:
    Healthy eating, was CD
    What lovely words, thank you all and I'm glad it's helped.

    Mrs Essex - are you sure you've not got me mixed up with someone else ;)

    Lily - Now that's a question I could write pages on. I'll come back to you on that when I can write it concisely. :)
     
  9. mrsessex

    mrsessex Gold Member

    Posts:
    2,714
    Likes Received:
    72
    Goal Weight:
    10st7lb
    Diet:
    Cambridge
    Nope defo you LOL

    I just wish I could ignore numbers on the scales grrrrr
     
  10. Laura Croft

    Laura Croft Happily maintaining

    Posts:
    1,944
    Likes Received:
    38
    Diet:
    Healthy eating, was CD
    Just ignore my self-depreciating humour. I do it a lot ;)

    So don't try and ignore the numbers on the scale. Don't try to deny something is important to you etc because you know deep down it is and you set yourself up for internal conflict.

    Accept the numbers as they are, numbers. Tell yourself you are more than those numbers and the numbers are just an indication of your diet and also tell yourself all the things the numbers don't mean too :) Just try to keep the numbers in perspective.
     
  11. mrsessex

    mrsessex Gold Member

    Posts:
    2,714
    Likes Received:
    72
    Goal Weight:
    10st7lb
    Diet:
    Cambridge
    Really appreciate what your saying but think my problems here lie real deep!! My mum was bulemic as I grew up and put a very warped sense of weight into my brain from a VERY early age ie 5 / 6 years old, not good!

    Think I'll need a good while to sort this scales thing out (boo)

    X
     
  12. Lily

    Lily Gold Member

    Posts:
    6,403
    Likes Received:
    153
    Start Weight:
    16st11.0lb
    Current Weight:
    15st10.0lb
    Goal Weight:
    13st7.0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st1lb(6.38%)
    Diet:
    VLCD
    Don't worry about concise - long-winded is just fine! ;)

    Seriously, thank you, it'd be wonderful if you could shed any light on how to switch the focus. It's something I've been wondering about since the beginning of my restart this time. I know I've got to change my thinking - I just don't know how. And if I don't get on top of that, I fear that no matter how much weight I lose, I'll always end up putting it all back on.

    Scary stuff. :eek:
     
  13. Lily

    Lily Gold Member

    Posts:
    6,403
    Likes Received:
    153
    Start Weight:
    16st11.0lb
    Current Weight:
    15st10.0lb
    Goal Weight:
    13st7.0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st1lb(6.38%)
    Diet:
    VLCD
    With you on this one, MrsE. My Mum was always on a diet when I was a kid. Always. And her whole mood for the week was determined by whether she'd lost any weight at 'Slimming' that week.

    Down in pounds = happy Mum

    I don't think she ever got to grips with telling herself she was worth more than the numbers. I guess that doesn't mean that I can't though. :)
     
  14. dreamingmaid

    dreamingmaid Silver Member

    Posts:
    809
    Likes Received:
    44
    Start Weight:
    15st13lb
    Current Weight:
    12st8lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    3st5lb(21.08%)
    Diet:
    cambridge weight plan
    Really well thought out post Laura.
    For me, losing weight wasn't the antedote to all lifes problems
    Post CD, I look after myself by eating right, having a plan in place, and enjoying exercise, something I would have scoffed at before. My head and well being is much clearer when I combine these things
     
  15. Laura Croft

    Laura Croft Happily maintaining

    Posts:
    1,944
    Likes Received:
    38
    Diet:
    Healthy eating, was CD
    I'm sorry to hear what messages about weight you got as a kid. This kind of supports what I'm trying to say, but obviously in much more depth and with a lot more issues behind it.

    I'm sure it's going to take a while (and a fair bit of head work) to get a different perspective on what the scales mean after your mum giving all kinds of messages when you were little.

    I don't know if you know much about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and maybe more important Transactional Analysis (I wrote a bit on that the other day about Parent/ Adult/ Child egos) but I hope you can come to peace with numbers because it will be worth it.

    Okay I've battled for years with self-esteem and it's just been one thing. Here's a few of things that I did:

    1. A lot of writing (including on here - just getting thoughts out to get them on paper).

    One of my favourite things to do is write letters to myself. I have a conversation (no really I'm not totally nuts) and it feels like it's between my real self and the thoughts whirling around in my head.

    One of my best discoveries recently was instead of feeling negative about the shape I am, embracing it because it's actually part of my heritage and I'm very proud of my family.

    2. Saw a therapist and discussed Transactional Analysis, and worked through a few messages in my head (adult/parent/child egos)

    3. Read Eating Less and the Six Pillars of Self Esteem. Then I had to do the footwork. Reading alone didn't do it. ;)

    4. Realised there was a difference between self-esteem and self-confidence - I had lots of the latter

    5. Decided it was my choice to stand up and feel better about myself

    6. Realised I was worth protecting and learnt to stood up for myself better

    7. Kept trying to listen to me. I had no doubt that deep inside I wanted to have a good self-esteem (and believe me it's still got some way to go) and I stopped listening to the little random messages in my head and just began to believe.

    8. I kept trying to believe. I just haven't given up. There's an AA saying I learnt in OA called 'act as if' so 'act as if you have good self-esteem'. Sometimes this meant walking away from a situation and wondering how I'd have done it differently if I had good self-esteem, then there were times I acted as if I had good self-esteem even though I still felt I didn't, and I just keep on trying.

    9. A lot of self-acceptance. I've always been fairly driven but couldn't accept much of myself so I realised I could accept myself as I was and this didn't mean I couldn't move forward.

    10. Realised if you don't treat yourself well, no one else well. Like all of us, I've met a few nasty people in my time and some of them really put me down. When I'd tell friends, they'd say the person was awful yet there were times I couldn't see that.

    11. Exercised. Just makes me feel good and really makes me feel better when I am respecting my body

    12. Work out what were your triggers to low self-esteem.

    13. Volunteering/ helping others. Put things back in perspective

    Well I guess that's a start but Lily, you've done the most important bit. You've recognised that self-sabotage is a cause of your low self-esteem and so now it's time to do the footwork to build up your esteem again. It's not easy but the results will be worth it. ]

    Great to hear from you DM, thank you for your kind thoughts and so glad to hear you are still doing well. :D
     
    Last edited: 13 January 2010
  16. Pheonix-Rising

    Pheonix-Rising Full Member

    Posts:
    250
    Likes Received:
    6
    Start Weight:
    16st10lb
    Current Weight:
    16st5lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st5lb(2.14%)
    Diet:
    Cambridge
    Thankyou Laura, for taking the time to post and share your thoughts your words hit home in many areas.

    There is so much pressure these days to conform to ideals its easy to forget who we are as individuals. And when we 'dont measure up' the self sabotage can begin.

    Thanks again, I have really enjoyed reading this thread and took onboard lots of what you wrote...which is brilliant :) :) xxx
     
  17. Laura Croft

    Laura Croft Happily maintaining

    Posts:
    1,944
    Likes Received:
    38
    Diet:
    Healthy eating, was CD
    Glad to be of assistance Phoenix. I really like your nickname btw. :)
     
  18. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Advert

  19. Lily

    Lily Gold Member

    Posts:
    6,403
    Likes Received:
    153
    Start Weight:
    16st11.0lb
    Current Weight:
    15st10.0lb
    Goal Weight:
    13st7.0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st1lb(6.38%)
    Diet:
    VLCD
    I thought reading Gillian Riley with a family-sized bag of crisps was a rite of passage... ;) I've heard of the Six Pillars but that's about all. Hmm, more research is required. As for the writing to myself - yep, I've done that before and you're right, it works well. I'll start doing it again... :)

    Oooh. Not sure I know what that difference is either. Something else to do some research on, thank you.

    That last one is particularly true. I think I'm starting to get better at it. I guess wisdom comes with age.

    Thank you so much, Laura - it must've taken you ages to write all that and it's all really wonderful, thought-provoking stuff. And you're right, I have recognised what the problem is - which is funny, cos I've known what it was for a while. I just haven't quite known how to tackle it. Or maybe, if I'm being honest, it could just be that I haven't exactly wanted to tackle it. Working through this stuff takes a lot of time and effort and navel contemplating, and some of it's really uncomfortable to do.

    But you're right, it will be worth it. I think I'm nearer to getting where I want to be than I have been at any other time in my life.

    Thank you :hug99:
     
  20. NumNums

    NumNums Becca

    Posts:
    1,184
    Likes Received:
    9
    Start Weight:
    13st2lb
    Current Weight:
    11st3lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st4lb
    Lost(%):
    1st13lb(14.67%)
    Diet:
    Calorie Counting
    Now I'm not working and I've had some time to sit down and read this, I enjoyed it. You're 100% on the button. It's very easy to forget why you're dieting and who you are.

    In the last 4 years I've forgotten who 'Becca' was. All I know at the moment is Mum.

    I've spent so much time trying to prove myself to people that through my age and illness, I'm still a good mother. I changed how I dressed... I didn't want to draw attention to myself by continuing my Rock Chick look. I changed everything about me and I'm not happy about it. I'm a good Mum regardless of how I look and that's what I need to realise. So when I neglected the 'inner me' I neglected my diet and weight.

    I don't see myself as having a problem with food. I see it as a fuel. My problem is I pick the wrong things, the easy and lazy things that take seconds to prepare.

    I know my avatar picture shows a posing Rock Chick, but truth is, I only have the confidence to that on a forum, I can hide behind words. But out in the real world I can't hide. I'm too scared to be me. I have no confidence to walk down the street like I did at 17.


    So once a reach my goal... out comes the black t-shirts and skinny jeans and find Becca under all this!

    Thank you Laura for opening my eyes to the inner me.
     
  21. Laura Croft

    Laura Croft Happily maintaining

    Posts:
    1,944
    Likes Received:
    38
    Diet:
    Healthy eating, was CD
    :D:D Oh yes, crisps and cake/biscuits if you want to balance out the equation. Enjoy the writing. Last night I wrote a letter to self that I didn't put in my thread and I was thinking how much writing helps me because I can explain myself. Some time may find different ways of expressing themselves..


    Oh there's a big difference between the two. I can't quite emember the OA saying about being an egotistical (something) with an inferiority complex.

    Most agree that wisdom, and probably self-respect do come with age.

    I'm really glad to have helped you and good luck with the footwork. You know when the time is right to address the issues. I hope yours has come. You can always PM me too.

    What a beautiful post Becca. And go for it Rock Chick.

    I've found there's two types of people that have put on weight - there's people like me who have used eating to cover issues etc and then there's people who just put on weight because they ate junk food etc. I have a friend like that. She did LL ironically (not that she needed the psych side so much), had never had an issue with food and still doesn't. Back at her normal weight and learnt a valuable lesson. All the best finding Becca x
     
  22. sunshine1

    sunshine1 Full Member

    Posts:
    326
    Likes Received:
    9
    Start Weight:
    17st6lb
    Current Weight:
    12st0lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st4lb
    Lost(%):
    5st6lb(31.15%)
    Diet:
    Cambridge 810
    Excellent posts.

    I know this will be my last diet.

    Over the past 20yrs i have done so many but it was always for a wedding, xmas etc

    Yeh, i have a reason this time also but for my own peace of mind. It is making me feel good about me.

    I am also looking at the long term plan like my healthy eating plan for the future.
    All other diets were just to lose some weight and then stop.

    I now realise that my habits need to change and it is only me that can do this.

    Try and forget the past and look to a brighter happier future.
     
Popular Forums
  1. MiniMins.com is a weight loss support community helping each other on their weight loss journey. We have a multitude of forums, from Slimming World and Exante, to Success Stories. Click the logo at the top right to return to the forum home page at any time.
Loading...