He's decided he doesn't love me anymore

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by charlies_mummy, 6 September 2011 Social URL.

  1. charlies_mummy

    charlies_mummy all for my little man x

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    Sorry to unburden myself on you lot but need to let this out and hopefully it will make me feel better.

    My partner has decided that he doesn't love me anymore and so is leaving me and our little boy behind. He can't afford tomove out just yet though so have him sleeping on the sofa until at least the first week of October, which means he will be here for what would have been our 4 year annivesarry. I cannot actually believe that this is happening. We have been engaged for nearly three years and were hoping to get married once Charlie was a bit bigger (he is not even two yet). I love my little boy to bits and would not change having him for the world, but would never have entertained the thought of having children if I didn't think I would be with their daddy for life. I grew up with a seperated family and my dad let me down big time, and am terrifed the same will happen for my wee man.

    He is not going to be moving far away and so will have Charlie overnight whilst I work, which means two nights every week, and then for tea once a week aswell. It sounds fine, but am not sure how long it will last when the allure of single life takes hold, which will then mean working will be really hard to manage.

    It was only in May that I had a miscarriage, and now can't help feeling that he is pleased about this as it meant he did not have to leave two children. On top of this I am due my second lot of biopsies on my throat in a couple of weeks, and now am going to have to come home to him afterwards.

    I really feel like my life is falling to bits and am not sure I would be able to cope at all if it wasn't for my little man.

    Sorry to ramble, just needed to clear my mind a bit, and this is as good a place as any as no one really knows me! xxx
     
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  3. fat&40

    fat&40 Full Member

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    I really don't know what to say but didn't want to read and run. Hugs xxx
     
  4. CurvyKaren

    CurvyKaren Silver Member

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    I'm sorry to read that this is happening to you :( I dont have children myself so I can't imagine how you must feel but wanted to offer a hug

    Karen x
     
  5. Beegee

    Beegee The Big One

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    Oh you poor thing what an awful situation you're in. I'm sure things will sort themselves out in the end but until then hang in there and be kind to yourself xx
     
  6. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    Babes I really feel for you, not going through a very good time at the moment myself. I don't know what to say really but can relate to how you feel. Sending hugs your way...XXXX
     
  7. Lucky7

    Lucky7 Gold Member

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    So sorry to hear what a rubbish time you're having.
    Do you think that maybe stress is playing a part in his decision? Miscarriages & biopsies all take their toll, both on the person it's happening to and their nearest and dearest. Maybe there's some hope still??

    Big hugs. Take care. xx
     
  8. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    I can no tell you how sorry I am this is happening to you. I know how you have lived just for your little family. You must feel that your world has fallen apart.

    I am not going to use all the old worn out platitudes. I am just going to say hang on in there and try to stay calm. Remember that Charlie needs you and loves you.

    Is your second lot of biopsies a routine check or is there cause for concern.

    You know where I am if you want to blast off or need a shoulder to cry on.

    My door is always open for you,

    hugs xxxx
     
  9. zanny

    zanny Full Member

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    Sometimes life just isn't fair and at times people make decisions that make no sense at all to those closest to them. We can think of all kinds of compassionate reasons as to why, but the bottom line is that if he hasn't communicated to you earlier his feelings that led to him wanting to leave his family then he has neglected to be a loving person and has seriously failed you both. You need to decide whether you're going to just let him go or whether you intend to fight for him but well... we are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility to others for how we think, feel and behave. So you might want to distance yourself mentally from him, as best you can and it may work out that in a few weeks or months he finds that his life feels empty without the love and support of a loving partner and sharing family time together.

    If you still love him try to stay strong and patient. If he comes back to you in any way, continue to use your strengths to emphasize how for a relationship to work we must take responsibility for our feelings, and share and express our needs.

    If it is actually over then your son is going to need you more than ever, stay strong for him, be confident and proud of who you are and devote all your energy into any other passion you can find. When all this is over (one way or the other) make sure you are a winner!

    *hugs*
     
  10. charlies_mummy

    charlies_mummy all for my little man x

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    Thanks for all of your support. It is definitely over, he is looking at flats next week. To be honest I get the feeling now from what he has said that he would have done this sooner if I had not got pregnant and then lost the baby, but would have felt too guilty.

    I just cannot comprehend how you can invest so much into a relationship and then just give up, but to be honest after the last few days that he has put me through I would not have him back, even though I obviously still love him, as I do not want to live with someone that does not actually want us.

    Sue - the biopsies are routine, as I think I need three lots to completely rule anything out. However, the lumps are continuing to grow and am worried there are more than three now. If there are, I am going to ask for them to be removed regardless of whether they are sinister or not, as it is too uncomfortable and too much of a concern.

    If it has to be me and my boy against the world, it had better watch out, because no body is hurting my little man. He is my everything xxx
     
  11. Shirleen

    Shirleen Gold Member

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    You know, I don't know how you can be so reasonable. I know I'm a prize ***** but if my bloke told me he didn't love me anymore, but hey he can't afford to move out yet, so I'll sleep on the sofa? I'd have to insist he left, with his stuff in binliners and possible my biggest saucepan as a flying accompaniment!

    You are better than this, and your son is a lucky feller for having a mum like you!

    Im sorry this comes so soon after losing your baby, men think a few weeks/ months is all we need to get over it, when truth is we never do! It took me four years to stop weeping for the loss. I hope you get all the support you need. Xxxx
     
  12. Wish

    Wish Silver Member

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    I'm so sorry, what an awful time you are having, stay strong for your wee man and look after yourself, can't imagine the turmoil you are feeling right now xx
     
  13. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    There is nothing stronger than a mothers love and you and Charlie will be o.k.
    You have someone so special in your life that even though the thought of going it alone must feel so scary and daunting at present. You will make it because you have your baby to love and be loved by.

    I am with you on this Shirleen.........if he was with me his feet would not touch the ground he would be out so fast.I most certainly would not be doing his cooking and washing etc..........but the perhaps Charlies_mummy is more civilised and dignified than us.
     
  14. Leapfrog

    Leapfrog Champion actifryer

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    Sending you hugs hun. I don't have children, but I did have a husband who left me, saying he didn't love me etc. etc. (he had someone else too). It was the worst feeling in the world and at first I was ashamed and blamed myself.

    To cut a long story short, after the initial shock and the shame that somehow it was my fault and feeling inadequate, I reached a point I recognised as being "rock bottom" and knew things could only get better. I picked myself up and got on with my life and soon realised he'd done me a favour (sh*tty way of doing it, I grant you). I now call it the best decision I never made ;)

    You will get through this - you sound so strong xx
     
  15. Shirleen

    Shirleen Gold Member

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    Cor Sue, there's primates more civilised and dignified than me!
    I admire anyone who can be so gracious! I know I couldn't. I'd take me hat off but I'm not wearing one lol
     
  16. Val123

    Val123 Silver Member

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    So sorry that this has happened to you. It must have been a total shock and the last thing you need while you are still recovering from losing a baby (hugs)

    Do you think possibly your weightloss could have made him feel like this. A lot of men can't handle it when their previously cuddly (and therefore unthreatening) partners lose a lot of weight and become beautiful vibrant and more attractive to the opposite sex. More fool him if it is, because you are stunning.

    I just wanted to say that I split up with my eldest daughter's father when she was almost 2, though it was my decision, but far better for it to happen when Charlie's so young than dragging it out for years and having to explain to an older child what is going on. At least this way mummy and daddy living separately will just be the norm for him and it will make it easier for him - and for you.

    Can I just say that I thought i would be on my own, a single mum for ever, but I met the most amazing man who has raised my daughter to adulthood and with the agreement of her natural father he adopted her. There is life after separation - a good life.

    Obviously you still love him and will be feeling the devastation of rejection at the moment, but hopefully that will get better as time goes on and you can appreciate what you have got in little Charlie and your fantastic new figure and look forward to a better life with someone who does love you and wants to be with you.

    I have to say though, I agree with some of the others. He'd have been out my front door (or window) pronto - it must be so difficult for you having to accept he's leaving you whilst he's still living under the same roof.

    Take care of yourself and little Charlie - it will feel like your world is ending now, but it will get better. It is only the world as you know it now that is changing - try and look forward to the brave new world that is just waiting to greet you with open arms when you are ready :)

    Val xxx
     
  17. Gettingthinnerbytheday

    Gettingthinnerbytheday Gold Member

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    What a horrible situation your going through (hugs)

    I guess at the end of the day, what ever his resoning's behind his decision to leave, he has made that decision & I guess if you were to try & talk him round or make him change his decision I'm not sure you would ever feel comfortable with him without thinking that he's still having these thoughs/feelings - what I am trying to say is if its not meant to be its not meant to be.

    You sound an extremly stong lady & I am sure both you & your little boy will be a tower of strength for each other in these coming months.

    I wish you all the best honey & hope you kow that you will be ok x x x
     
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  19. charlies_mummy

    charlies_mummy all for my little man x

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    As lovely as it would be to let you all believe I am being very dignified about all of this it is matter of having to be rather than wanting to be! I work nights and as such somebody needs to have Charlie whilst I am at work, none of my family live close enough, and his family live too far away for him to commute to work and pick Charlie up 100+ miles, so as much as I would love to kick his sorry backside out of the house and then launch his ******* xbox at his head I cannot!

    Have been to CAB today and apparently as we are both on the tenancy agreement it does not mean that I can automatically stay, it is up to my landlord and as I do not earn enough to cover the rent twice each month I might have to leave :( If this happens I am screwed as would not be able to rent privately on my own due to having a DRO a few years ago, and I could not find a guarantor on my own either. Sometimes life sucks!!! x
     
  20. Shirleen

    Shirleen Gold Member

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    You'll be entitled to housing benefit though! You may need to persuade the landlord that's the hard bit!
     
  21. *EB*

    *EB* Gold Member

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    Just read through this thread and want to just say what excellent advise everyone has given you. I left a relationship after 5 years and it was the best thing i did (didnt help he was cheating all the time) and i am now in a great relationship. Life moves on and so will you.

    I hope the housing issue is easily sorted for you - contact your local council about housing benefit and see what you can get.
     
  22. Val123

    Val123 Silver Member

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    Try not to worry about the housing situation too much. I used to rent out residential properties a few years ago before changing to retail. A lot of Landlords prefer tenants on housing benefit, because (certainly up my way) the Council pay the rent direct to the Landlord, so they have more peace of mind regarding rental payments.

    I'd definitely put in a call to your council's Housing Department, or get CAB to do it for you, to check what your entitlements are and get yourself on the housing list just in case you need to move. Fingers crossed that it all works out and you and Charlie can stay put.

    Good luck with everything

    Val x
     
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