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Humour for today

judimac

Mad old Bat with Attitude
#2
:8855: That's my sort of humour!

Q What's pink and fluffy?

A Pink fluff.

Q What's blue and flffy?

















A Pink fluff holding it's breath. (heard on Radio Humberside this a.m.)
 

squiddie

Starting Again!
#5
A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.

"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."

His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.

"That's not all," says the doctor. "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
 
#6
Here we go !! try this one


Sometimes I can manage to avoid menstruation, genital herpes and erectile dysfunction commercials for days at a time. Somehow, though, the television network marketing executives have esoteric knowledge of when I’m visiting my parents and watching TV with my mother. She suddenly screams, “Have they no shame? I’ve developed and/or adopted some techniques for dealing with these embarrassing moments.
Technique #1: Talk Over the Commercial. To execute this technique effectively, you have to divert the topic away from the commercial immediately. Always be prepared with a diversion topic. Have a question ready that your mother won’t have to pause and think about before answering. This is an effective technique, but it is difficult to execute. So be prepared.

Technique #2: Bathroom/Kitchen Break. As soon as the commercial comes on, announce loudly and clearly that you have to go to the bathroom. Jump up and move urgently. Hide in the bathroom until you feel it’s safe to come out. Use the kitchen as a contingency plan in case the commercial break is not yet completely finished. It is very important to not return until your program is on again. Otherwise, you, assuming that the commercial break is soon over, could return prematurely and be subject to a surprise attack.

Technique #3 Play dumb and oblivious. This technique can be employed after your mother has already acknowledged the commercial by her scream. It is too late now to break away to the bathroom or kitchen. And it would be too awkward to change topic. So just play dumb – “Oh, is that one of those commercials about erectile dysfunction? I didn’t notice…” – until you can find the right time to employ technique #1 or #2.

Phil x
 

jodidi

Silver Member
#8
Here we go !! try this one


Sometimes I can manage to avoid menstruation, genital herpes and erectile dysfunction commercials for days at a time. Somehow, though, the television network marketing executives have esoteric knowledge of when I’m visiting my parents and watching TV with my mother. She suddenly screams, “Have they no shame? I’ve developed and/or adopted some techniques for dealing with these embarrassing moments.
Technique #1: Talk Over the Commercial. To execute this technique effectively, you have to divert the topic away from the commercial immediately. Always be prepared with a diversion topic. Have a question ready that your mother won’t have to pause and think about before answering. This is an effective technique, but it is difficult to execute. So be prepared.

Technique #2: Bathroom/Kitchen Break. As soon as the commercial comes on, announce loudly and clearly that you have to go to the bathroom. Jump up and move urgently. Hide in the bathroom until you feel it’s safe to come out. Use the kitchen as a contingency plan in case the commercial break is not yet completely finished. It is very important to not return until your program is on again. Otherwise, you, assuming that the commercial break is soon over, could return prematurely and be subject to a surprise attack.

Technique #3 Play dumb and oblivious. This technique can be employed after your mother has already acknowledged the commercial by her scream. It is too late now to break away to the bathroom or kitchen. And it would be too awkward to change topic. So just play dumb – “Oh, is that one of those commercials about erectile dysfunction? I didn’t notice…” – until you can find the right time to employ technique #1 or #2.

Phil x
:D:D:D:D Are you speaking from personal experience, lol?
 

squiddie

Starting Again!
#11
A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.

The guy asks for the bad news first.

The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."

Then the guy asks for the good news.

The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your trainers."
 

Donnie46

Slow but sure....
#13
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…"

"What are you talkin’ about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly.

"How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!!!



Looks as if dog's can eat the wrong food that's not good for them sometimes too....
 


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