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I am so ashamed

Yasmine

One last chance
#1
I cannot beleive what I allowed myself to do. I'm so ashamed of myself I was so afraid to even go on here and confess what I've done. But I really should other wise I'm going to end up doing something stupid.

For the first time I actually had a binge on...well about anything.

I don't know what came over me, it's kind of like I had another personality that completely took over. Yesterday, I tried to control myself and limit my calorie intake, no healthy snacks in between, just my three main meals.

I found myself constantly just wanting to eat fruit. I ate 2 bananas, 2 apples, and so many cherries and I even did the unthinkable by mindlessly eating chocolate! I have never, ever in my life binged like this before, I'm shocked at myself for doing this.

I don't know if it's because I'm restricting myself too much that triggered the craving, or if I'm just being greedy. All I know is that I do not like binging, it is the most disgusting and vile feeling I have ever experienced:jelous:. My stomache still hurts from all the chocolate I ate.

Feeling guilty about all the fruit, after my dinner, I exercised straight away. I started eating chocolate at 11pm, after that I did exercise again, but just a little, not enough to get rid of the guilt :cry:.

I really feel that I've let myself and everyone else down. I feel like that fat ***** I was.

And I know I should never do it or even think about doing it, but I really wanted to force myself to be sick. I didn't though, those are once of the things I used to do and it didn't help me at all.

I'm sorry guys, I just really had to come clean. Really sorry...:break_diet:
 
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sbridge7

Silver Member
#2
Hey Yasmine,
I think you are restricting yourself to much. Now that you're maintaining, you should incorporate a wider variety of fruit. I've found that when I limit myself to having chocolate, I'll binge. However if I have a pack of maltesers (187kcal) and work it into my calorie intake, I do not binge. Don't see it as being a bad food. HTH xx
 

Yasmine

One last chance
#4
I know but you won't beleive the amount of it I ate! I don't know how many calories I took in!

God, I wish I could just stay on LT for the rest of my life! :cry:
 

sbridge7

Silver Member
#5
The TFR is the easiest part apparently! Maintenance is so hard, I've dieted from as long as I can remember and always gained it back. It's about changing ourselves for good; I think once you stop being restrictive with you calories, you won't feel the urge to binge. I find going to the shop and buying a single pack of maltesers easier, as I cannot bear having multipacks in the house, as I cannot say no. I'm not hungry, just like the taste. Try not to beat yourself up, just carry on eating sensibly today x
 

Yasmine

One last chance
#6
Have I totally sabotaged everything? I'm trying to shift these remaining pounds and it's really pissing me off.

I've been doing exercise everyday since sunday, if I avoid all the crap will my weight come off or stabilise? if I gain anymore I swear I'm going to end up going insane!
 

sbridge7

Silver Member
#7
Hey hun, just carry on eating healthily like you did before. It should come off hun and remember it's most likely to be water weight. Don't live by the scales, they're good but they'll drive you crazy as they do not account for water gain. Live also by your clothes; they're a good indication for me, if they feel tighter I know I've gained. I'd rather weight 15 stone and be a size 10, than weigh 10 stones and be a size 18 :) xxx
 

summergurl

♥3 Years Maintaining♥
#8
yas reading that makes me feel very very worried for you! :hug99:

You binged - on fruit!!! yas fruit is good for you and you shouldnt feel guilty about it. It's hardly a binge is it - i remember my binges: a spicy chicken slice, triple pack sandwich, big eat bag of doritoes, some single packs of crisps, 2/3 chocolate bars and a big bottle of fizzy drink; now thats a binge! Fruit?!! are you mad woman!

It's worrying that you feel like that though and you shouldnt at all feel guilty about eating some fruit or a little chocolate. The fact you felt you needed to exercise after it and thought of making yourself sick is extremely worrying. It sorta sounds like the start of an eating disorder.

You don't want to let it get to that stage honey you really dont. You are doing fabulous on refeed, eating all the right things and everything is ok for you in moderation and aslong as you count it towards your calorie intake. Maybe try upping your cals a day so you can snack on healthy things more? Maybe you felt like that because you were trying to be so good and not have snacks but seriously honey it's NOTHING to feel guilty about.

sending you big hugs :hug99: :hug99: :hug99: :hug99:
 

Yasmine

One last chance
#9
Thanks tanya, but I ate soooo much chocolate! A LOT! and that is really bad! :(
 
#10
Hi Yasmin. Well done for coming on here and getting support. How are you feeling today? Got to say, I know what it's like to lose control over "forbidden" food like chocolate, before I began LT. Hopefully, now that so much chocolate has given you a belly ache, it will help you to avoid going so mad in the future. Are there always lots of chocolate, cakes and biccies in your home??? I realise you are part of a family and you can't expect everyone to NOT eat that kind of food. But if you want chocolate, can you just have one small packet and count it in your daily allowance? You are Soooo brilliant at
working out your calories each day, this one slip WONT do any lasting damage is you just dust yourself off and start again. :hug99:
 

RachieRoo

Silver Member
#11
Hi Yas, firstly just want to send you a hug!
And just wanted to say I know exactly what you mean, it is sooo eay to lose grip and binge. I know what my triggers are, if I feel I've overeaten instead of going off and doing something else, I will try and make myself feel better by eating more.
Although i havent actually binged since refeeding I certainly have 'felt the guilt' if you get me! You need to allow yourself to eat these things without feeling 'trapped' by a diet per se!
I can strongly recommend a book that jan D recommended on here. iI is amazing and makes you look at food compltely differently from when you had a weight problem, i would offer to lend you it but I cant bear to let it leave my hands it is my bible now! it is called 'Slim 4 Life' by Jason Vale (£4.49 on Amazon) No i'm not on commission or trying to sell it, it really is the best advice ever! All the best hun xxx
 
#12
Hi Yas . Sorry to hear you had a bad day and that you are so upset. Please try to relax with this. You have to realise your body is now trying to adapt to eating food again . Its going to take time. You are doing everything you can watching your calories and eating healthily.

A few days before my period I get two or three days where all I want is chocolate . The way I look at it now is if I can control my sugar cravings for the rest of the month then I can afford to have a treat those days and not beat myself up over it.

I know this maintenance is hard . I havnt had the results i wanted yet either but There is no point in getting panic attacks about it because it will only lead to paranoid behaviour like exercising mad or trying to get sick . That is as summer said the classic signs of an eating disorder. You are going to have to be prepared for a small fluctuation in your weight + or - 4 or 5 pounds .

If you think about it you have to consume 3500 calories to put on a pound of fat . There is no way you did that on some fruit and chocolate. You are now a slim girl and you have learned so much about healthy eating and food . There is no way you will go back to where you were . Try to have a little confidence in yourself.


Thinking of you. Talk to us .

Breda
 

RachieRoo

Silver Member
#13
Great advice from all by the way! x
 

ChellyWellyBoot

I will be skinny again!!!
#14
I know but you won't beleive the amount of it I ate! I don't know how many calories I took in!

God, I wish I could just stay on LT for the rest of my life! :cry:

I have exactly the same feelings Yas!

I wouldnt worry too much Yas! its one day!!

Just pick yourself up, Allow yourself some snacks through the day and hopefully this wont happen againxx
 

Yasmine

One last chance
#16
Hi Yasmin. Well done for coming on here and getting support. How are you feeling today? Got to say, I know what it's like to lose control over "forbidden" food like chocolate, before I began LT. Hopefully, now that so much chocolate has given you a belly ache, it will help you to avoid going so mad in the future. Are there always lots of chocolate, cakes and biccies in your home??? I realise you are part of a family and you can't expect everyone to NOT eat that kind of food. But if you want chocolate, can you just have one small packet and count it in your daily allowance? You are Soooo brilliant at
working out your calories each day, this one slip WONT do any lasting damage is you just dust yourself off and start again. :hug99:
Thank you. My dad bought me the easter egg, the chocolate that I was eating from, back when it was easter. I couldn't have it because I was on LT. I decided to have some on that day, but I couldn't stop :(. I was being so greedy!

And yes, here with my family, my parents just stock the house with fatty ****! you'd think they'd be a little bit more considerate? ok buy some for yourself for one day but why stock up the bloody place with too much?!

I hope it doesn't do any extreme damage, I've already gained on refeed I don't need any more of a gain :(
 

Yasmine

One last chance
#17
Thanks everyone, I'll try. Going to be sensible for the next following days before my weigh in on saturday. I will look up on that book rache, thanks :)
 


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