If he doesn't like you the way you are....what then?

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by NewLife4Me, 31 October 2007 Social URL.

  1. NewLife4Me

    NewLife4Me Full Member

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    I'd love to get your ideas and feedback to my current situation, I say "current" as I reallyyyyyyy hope it won't be permanent.....

    I met a guy back in 2001 when I was a size 14......we recently met up again, I am now a 16/18:mad:. Nothing was said initially, but as the weekend progressed it all came to the surface:cry:, he just doesn't fancy me being this size. He did say you have the most beautiful face, smile, eyes...BUTTTTTTTTT the size thing hinders it! I got upset:cry::cry::cry:, and told him "what about the person, what about ME, I'm still the same person"....he taught about it and said YES you are right, but deep down I know he wants me to be slimmer.

    Has anybody been in this horrible situation???? Is he a stinker?? OR is this the reality check-in I so need to get moving????
     
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  3. blue_grapefruit

    blue_grapefruit Gold Member

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    Well, i can see two sides here.

    Firstly, my ex was sorta the same, and made it clear that although he still loved me and we were still lovers, he preferred me slimmer.
    BUT! then HE put on weight - and i wasnt attracted to him anymore! So, pot, kettle, black and all.....

    It is a good motivator though isnt it. Thing is, personally after losing the weight i know i'd resent him for it xxx
     
  4. mrs c

    mrs c Cambridge Consultant

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    It's a doubled edged sword, at the end of the day it who you are inside which matters more than what you look like, but at the end of the day there still has to be an attraction, it's a no win situation.

    I was a size 14 when i met my husband 2 children later and letting myself go i got up to a 20-22, started CD in March of this yr, got back into a size 14 end june. Did it for myself, my health, etc. Husband was supportive, when i got back to the 14 i said to him ' how could you fancy me when i was so big' his response was 'i loved you for who you are not what you looked like'. It was one of the best things he could have said. Still maintaining the size 14 but as i said i did it for myself.

    Keep your chin up and it is your decision what you do, do it for yourself.
     
  5. NewLife4Me

    NewLife4Me Full Member

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    Woww mrs c!!! In only 4 months!!!

    He's coming to visit me for 10 days mid November, I so wish I could look slim, but in 3 wks I cannot work magic :( . I know it's something I have to do for myself because I don't like myself being this size.

    Thanks Gals!!
     
  6. olli

    olli Member

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    Gals, if you really love somebody, you do love them no matter what. Real love is unconditional.

    Being forced into doing something about yourself, usually doesn't yield an end result.
    If you are not happy yourself, and have made up your mind, then it's time to start rolling and the success chance is much much higher.

    Of course our vain ego's want to look good for everybody, but it's gotta be in your head.

    Good luck, whatever you decide.
     
  7. kazbro

    kazbro jelly belly

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    it is true that if you love someone you love them them no matter what
    have to say though as much as hubby loves me he now fancies me more as i have lost weight
    there is a difference

    yes a man loves you no matter what but i think the lust factor dwindles a bit when we are not comfortabke with our sizes
    i often ask hubby how could you want me at 20 stone and he said cos you are my wife the women i love
    but ask him now and he does agree he finds me more attractive now

    so any one can love you no matter what but when it comes to fancying you its a different thing

    and if you are not comfortable being naked in front of them then how can they feel comfortable

    hope i made sense there
     
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  8. Mrs Moo

    Mrs Moo Member

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    I think you can love someone unconditionally, regardless of size.... but would you still fancy the pants off them if they were 6? 8? 10? stone heavier?? And I know how unhappy I was when I was 4 stone heavier - I didn't love myself that's for sure and didn't feel remotely sexy :eek:. I'm feeling better about myself with every pound I lose and returning to the personality and size i once was.
     
  9. Dobbie

    Dobbie I will get to goal .....

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    Aww hunni ..... what's important is that YOU LOVE YOURSELF regardless of size/shape/age etc I say he should be the same if he can't see past your dress size then he's not worth bothering with IMHO! You have to do this because you want to - not to please someone else. It's hard enough to do CD without added pressure from someone ...

    Just my thoughts
    xx
     
  10. cmacca

    cmacca Full Member

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    I am not sure on this one, when I got married I was a size 10 and Steve had a 32 inch waist, 5 years on and I was a size 16/18 (never admited that 18 bit though !) and he has a 40 inch waist, I am now back to a size 12/14 and looking to get to a size 10 but Steve is still with his 40 inch waist, I dont think my weight loss or weight gain in the first place changed the way Stev thought of me in terms of love etc, but I am noticing now that he is a bit spicier (if you get my meaning !! - oh err), I would also like him to lose weight, that is not for me but just for his health. I am not sure I would want to be with a man who really couldnt see anything in me apart from my size, you would never feel secure, what happens if you get married and grow old together ?, he may decide he doesnt like you looking older and you sure as hell cant change that. I know i is a fine line, but please think about things before taking it any further as you can not live your life for other people and you certainly can not embark on a diet just to get the perfect body for that perfect man, if he was the perfect man he wouldnt care what your body looked like.
     
  11. SoonToBeGorgeous

    SoonToBeGorgeous Loving the Cambridge Diet

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    If he loved you he would love you whatever size you are.

    If you want to lose weight you need to do it for YOU not for him or for anyone else.

    You are worth so much more than this x
     
  12. Nymena

    Nymena New Member

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    Wow thought I was the only one going through this. I'm new to this website, was using the Cambridge website forum but they seem to of closed it! Anyway Hi to all.

    My other half of 5 and a half years has never liked me getting bigger and since I had my son it's escalated. I've zoomed from a size 14 to a 22 in 6 years. Then recently he announced he wouldn't sleep with me anymore because he didn't fancy me. We live together and it means i can't even get some time away from him really to sort myself out. I had already started the Cambridge SS when he announced this luckily, so I know I'm doing it for myself.

    My counsellor has been fantastic and although doesn't know the details, which you all now do lol, says some partners just aren't supportive but this is the first time I've seen anyone else with the same prob. I don't get how men only see the outside! He says he still loves me, but to be honest don't think I can believe that because how can you hurt someone and the excuse is 'but i still love you'.

    So amongst the rowing which it has produced, the angry looks and trying to look after a 2 and a half year old energetic boy I have to say this hasn't been easy. But I have lost 10 in 3 weeks and I'm determined to do it. And if at the end I still feel I need more I'll just find a man who appreciates me!

    OK long rant over lol
     
  13. cmacca

    cmacca Full Member

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    Oh an by the way, when you lose the weight that you want to lose and you feel happy, go and stick two fingers up at this guy !
     
  14. SoonToBeGorgeous

    SoonToBeGorgeous Loving the Cambridge Diet

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    There is a Cambridge thread on here - the Cambridge site is down due to server problems - some folks can get into it and some can't. Should be up and running shortly!


     
  15. olli

    olli Member

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    You wish. :)
     
  16. leva

    leva Member

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    Don't put that pressure on you...it usually backlashes.:hug99:
     
  17. SoonToBeGorgeous

    SoonToBeGorgeous Loving the Cambridge Diet

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    Well we can live in hope!!! :)



     
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  19. Nessa

    Nessa Silver Member

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    which you all now do lol, says some partners just aren't supportive - you have this right!!! Mine has never supported this diet!!
     
  20. Sambucca

    Sambucca Gold Member

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    Im sorry but if my husband said he wouldnt sleep with me because I was too fat he would be out that door like a shot. No one deserves to be treated in that way, whether you are 1 stone, 10 stones or 20 stones overweight.

    Tell him hes never satisfied you anyway so it saves you having to fake it from now on.

    Im sorry if you think thats out of order but for christs sake, how dare he speak to you like that.
     
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  21. Chika

    Chika Silver Member

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    Wow what an interesting thread. I recently met up with an ex from when I was 16 and he told me more of less the same thing. Oh you have a fab face but You are just too fat and I'm not attracted to fat women.

    At first I was quite offended and a bit annoyed then I thought ok he has a point. I don't think I'm attractive at this weight and neither do any of you otherwise face it you wouldn't be here and wouldn't be doing this diet.

    Whether its right or wrong we live in a society where we are judged initially on our looks. Attractiveness is not just judged on how nice you are inside, whats outside also counts. We have no control over what people find attractive and even though some men like larger women, slim is seen as the best.

    If your partner no longer finds you attractive because you have physically changed then so be it. I would hate to sleep with someone I wasn't attracted to. It may be shallow behaviour on their part but I think its wrong to condemn someone for having a personal preference.
     
  22. Barb

    Barb Gold Member

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    That is just brilliant Sam, I bet no-one messes with you! What a line! Love it! Cheered me up!

    Anyway, sorry back to subject. I think that it is completely unacceptable to treat anyone like that, I also think it is unrealistic to think looks don't come into attraction.

    I think we are talking about two different things here, love and lust. You can have either without the other, if you have both then you are very, very lucky.

    Personally, I would be reluctant to get involved with someone who is so disturbed by a little weight gain. What would he be like if you went up another dress size? It doesn't bear thinking about.

    No, there's better ones out there for you sweetie, less judgemental ones for a start!
     
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