Interfering mothers !

[meoww]

Does anyone else have to constantly explain themselves to their mothers like I do?
I partly live at home and partly at my OH's purely because Im too skint to afford my own place (saving to buy a house)
and I wasnt sure whether my mum payed much attention to what I was eating but apparently she does! I wouldnt be surprised if she had my weeks worth of food written down! Its really annoyed me, she notes every slip up that I make and I just feel like Im being spied on and judged!
some mothers might worry about us eating low calories but mines the total opposite, she fasts twice a week and Im pretty sure shes on the way to developing anorexia.

so today I was picking at her as shed cooked a HUGE tray of potatoes for 4 people and I was questioning why there was so much, and she starts mentioning things Ive eaten recently that I shouldnt have saying; why is she wrong to make loads when I dont stick to my diet anyway..
shes convinced I blame her for my food issues, well to be honest yes, they are partly her fault, I developed food issues as a child when I knew no better, when I was encouraged to go on a diet aged 10 and Ive been conscious of being fat for as long as I hold memories!

I am prepared to forget about all blame as it wont help me heal but how do I respond to this? I just feel like avoiding my parents house as much as possible as I cant stand the though of her knowing what I eat whether its amazingly good or shockingly bad I just want her to know nothing​.
Any thoughts at all would be great, I am mostly ranting but I have no clue what to do, except get out of this house!

 

[Spanglymum]

Thankfully I don't live with my mum but your issues sound very familiar. My mum has a food problem and spends most of her time not eating and then has licensed blowouts at festivals, eg Christmas and Easter. She is very thin but has always struggled with her weight. She put me on my first diet when I was 12. I was about 5'3" and just turned 10 st and she went berserk because 'no woman should weigh in double figures'.

I developed anorexia - partly for other reasons. She still Has a photo of me aged 17, at six and a half stone, in her purse!!!

So... Advice? Hmm. I try to stay out of my mother's way. And if she does comment, I do a studiedly neutral reply, like, 'it's interesting you say that' etc. works well on the whole, but when it doesn't I have a hard time not reacting and using her comments as a reason/excuse to punish myself and binge...

Sorry to ramble but your post really struck a chord.

 

[Rach1001]

My Mum has relaxed a lot in the last few years since I moved out... Although the first thing she says to me when I see her is that I've 'lost weight'... Even when I've actually put it on. She was a nightmare to live with though... Think she's always been convinced I have an eating disorder. Only way to stop it (or in my case, reduce it) is to move out! Xx


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[Sammy_D]

My mum has been obese since I was about 4 years old. She has dieted many times but she doesn't understand the concept of calories, so it's never successful. She said some very cruel things to me as a child and instilled some really awful eating habits, resulting in me suffering from ten years of bullimia.

Even now she thinks it is ok to comment on my body every time I see her. She says very hurtful things, and then if I tell her I'm upset she says that she only says it because she is the only person in the world who can be honest with me; and that everyone else lies to spare me feelings.

She doesn't know I'm on this diet, and she never will. It's difficult because you live with your mother so you can't avoid talking about what you are eating completely, but you can say "I don't want to talk about this" whenever she brings it up. Then if she continues to talk about your eating you can just say it again, then walk away. It might seem weird at first but once you do it the first few times she will get the message.

 

[porshe04]

A tad extreme I know but I haven't spoken to my Mum - or Dad for over 6 years, bliss!

 

[meoww]

thanks for the replies

sometimes I feel like Id stay fat just to annoy her!
I like the neutral replies I will try that, keeping out of the way too yes.

I just hate how I feel shes involved in my weight, like her approval when I lose is just as annoying as disapproval when I gain, I want it to not matter to her either way! I know it never will though.

nice to hear im not the only one feeling like this anway

 

[noodles1609]

I'm not a mother, and I'm never likely to be one but that's a whole other story. I've been annoyed and upset at my own mother for some time around the whole eating/dieting thing. She's always been very competitive and would often sabotage my diet plans. It's a really difficult relationship we have I guess, perhaps it's their natural need to nurture that can be seen as smothering/sabotage/criticism and all those negative things. Despite not being a mother, I know it doesn't come with a manual, and the mothers out there most of the time just try to do their best, I don't think they get it right all the time, but I don't think us daughters do either. I do know that I've changed as a person since losing weight - and I also know that those close to me have gone through a kind of grieving process for that person, as that person is all they've ever known. That's thrown up some interesting conflicts as they are sad when I am happy. My OH has had the brunt of it, it's been particularly tough for us, but I see it with my parents too.

Our relationship has changed now, I think on the whole it's better, but only really after I realised that I could say no, and it would be ok, I didn't need to have their approval and it was ok, they just want me to be happy, they don't need anything else (although my Dad is very keen to see me confident enough to wear a bikini on holiday!). I went back on plan last week, and promptly fell off again (I'm back on again now, I must really enjoy the 3 days of hell!) - I hadn't seen my parents for a good few weeks with our respective holidays, but was offered lunch. Mum was considerate enough to ask what I was eating at the moment - anything reasonable I said. I got there to find a bbq with enough food for a street party, which I did comment on, but thinking about it, my mum has always done that kind of hospitality, it's just me who's changed with my attitude to food.

It's a tough one, and it's an emotional one, and I'm there with you, I think maybe we all have to go through the changing dynamics, doesn't make it any easier though.

 

[meoww]

Noodles you're totally right and make some great points!
My mum always cooks excessive amounts of food at the weekend or when we have guests, though during the week she eats next to nothing! So I can't expect her to change that I just need to not blame her if I pick at food that's there..I suppose its a good test.

I think the point about us changing is so true, my last boyfriend went Mega jealous over me once I'd lost weight, he reckoned all the guys were after me and didnt trust me which was insulting on many levels, needless to say we didn't last long after that!
Its amazing meeting new people as a thinner person though as they just take you as you are! And I've met some great friends since being smaller, by that I mean I must be a nice friend to people and anyone that's being off with me has their own problem