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JOKE OF THE DAY!!!!!!!!!

Hedgemag

Cambridge Diet Counsellor
#1
I Couldn't resist this one

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read;

HUSBAND WANTED
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said
'Just look at you...you have no legs!'

The old gentleman smiled, ...... 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted

Again, the old man smiled, .....'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the door bell didn't I?'

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
 
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Last edited:

MsJMC

Strong women stay slim
S: 17st3lb C: 17st3lb Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#6
Jokes
Boy asks his granny, have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD? granny replies F*ck the pills! have you seen the dragons in the kitchen? !
 

Fuzzys Angel

The Lovely James Hetfield
#7
I Couldn't resist this one

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read;

HUSBAND WANTED
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said
'Just look at you...you have no legs!'

The old gentleman smiled, ...... 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted

Again, the old man smiled, .....'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the door bell didn't I?'

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
pmls :rotflmao::rotflmao:


Jokes
Boy asks his granny, have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD? granny replies F*ck the pills! have you seen the dragons in the kitchen? !
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: Love it...
 

MsJMC

Strong women stay slim
S: 17st3lb C: 17st3lb Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#9
An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.
One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.
When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.
The old man responded "That's ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms."
 

MsJMC

Strong women stay slim
S: 17st3lb C: 17st3lb Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#10
Bohemian Curry Song

To be sung to the tune of Bohemian Rapsody (Queen!)
Naan-aa, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle, now he's dead.
Naan-aa, dinner just begun
But now I'm going to crap it all away.
Naan-aa, ooh-ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry,
Seen nothin' yet just see the loo tomorrow,
Curry on, Curry on, 'cause nothing really madras.

Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers up my spine
Rectum aching all the time.
Goodbye every bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan-aa, ooh ooh,
This Dopiaza's mild,
I Sometimes wish we'd never come here at all...
******
(Guitar solo)
*****
I see a little chicken tikka on the side,
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh pass the chutney made of mango.
Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicey ME!
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani and a naan,
(A vindaloo loo looo...)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to a lavatory
Stand you well back Cause this loo is quarantined.
Here it comes,
There it goes,
technicolor yawn.
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes) I chunder It's coming up again
(There he goes) It's coming up again, (Up again)
Coming up again (up again)
Here it comes again
(No no no no no non o no no No)
On my knees, I'm on my knees, I'm on my knees
Oh there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me... Poor me... Poor me!
*****
(Guitar solo)
*****
So you think you can chunder and still it's alright?
So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ohh maybe, now you'll puke like a baby,
Just had to come out,
Just had to come right out in here....
******
(Guitar solo)
******
Korma, saag or bhuna,
Balti, naan, bhaji.
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference to me
(Anyway, my wind blows.)​

 

MsJMC

Strong women stay slim
S: 17st3lb C: 17st3lb Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#12
3 NAKED MEN IN A SAUNA, AN AMERICAN, JAPANESE & IRISHMAN. THEY HEAR A BEEPIN SOUND, THE AMERICAN TOUCHES HIS ARM & SAYS 'THATS MY PAGER - I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER MY SKIN '.
THEN A FONE RINGS & THE JAPANESE MAN LIFTS HIS PALM UP TO HIS EAR N SAYS 'I HAVE A MICRCHIP IN MY HAND'.
THE IRISHMAN FEELING VERY LOWTECH WENT TO THE TOILET AND CAME BACK WITH TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HIS a**e. HE SAYS 'OOOH WOULD U LOOK AT THAT, IM GETTING A FAX'!!
 


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