Just hung up on my mother...

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by Medusa, 23 April 2011 Social URL.

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  1. Medusa

    Medusa Full Member

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    And now all hell will break loose...:( I just reached the point where I knew to carry on the conversation would lead me to explode and say things - well not that I'd regret saying to her but that I knew would cause a complete rift so I said I really could not continue the conversation and hung up.

    It's been on the cards for a while tbh. Came to a head this week when a dear friend of mine died suddenly (on my birthday as it happened). I sent a text to my mum as I was feeling very down and received a reply that was frankly callous and glib and went on to comment on her "hard life" socialising with her friends.

    I've been in work all week - children at home as it's their Easter break. At supper yesterday I remarked that we'd not heard anything from my parents (in that the kids and not had an egg/money) they told me they had a card and a fiver each 2 days ago. As I was telling them they had to call to say thank you she text me to ask if they'd had the card and I explained I'd just been told ... they called her 2 mins later. OK - they were unthinking but that's teenagers.

    Tonight she called and whilst talking about other things told me she was very cross that I'd not had them say thank you immediately and knew they'd only called because she'd sent the text - which is not the case. It was sheer coincidence she text seconds after they told me ... but it's all my fault it seems.

    She has a history of making very hurtful comments and she rarely gets picked up on it. Yet it's OK for her to be "hurt" at slights she perceives and no-one has actually made...

    Sometimes I really loathe her but I love my Dad so I bite my tongue time and again. She'll have the hump now for bloody weeks.

    Sorry to witter on ... had to vent somewhere. :eek:
     
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  3. curvesncurls

    curvesncurls Full Member

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    Don't know what to say sweetheart, but couldn't not reply.

    Hugs to you hun xx{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
     
  4. Tracy831

    Tracy831 HERE I GO AGAIN !!!!!!!

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    Know exactly how u feel,I fell out with my dad a year ago and haven't spoken since !
    Hope your's gets sorted out soon tho :)
     
  5. Shirleen

    Shirleen Gold Member

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    Mothers!!!!
     
  6. Medusa

    Medusa Full Member

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    No wonder This Be The Verse is my favourite poem. :rolleyes:

    She gets away with murder because we all tiptoe around her. Her own mother was a real piece of work and her sister doesn't talk to 2 of her 3 children so it's in the genes. Let's hope I'm more self aware and can filter out any of the bad genes I may have inherited!

    The problem is that she has this view of who I am that is not me at all - it just fits her world view. So I find myself playing a part when she's around. Which is a strain in itself.
     
  7. kernowfilia

    kernowfilia Member

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    I know EXACTLY how you feel, Medusa - got an almost identical situation with my mother .... and she lives with us now. That's turned out to be a double-edged sword as I think the balance of power is gradually changing and I don't think it would have done if we'd continued separate living (she's become too disabled to live alone). On the down side there's no escape LOL

    I'd like to be able to offer words of advice but unfortunately I have none - if I did I'd try following it myself. Instead I just keep biting my tongue (till it bleeds sometimes!!!) and trying to assert a little bit more of me each day. :sigh:;)
     
  8. charlies_mummy

    charlies_mummy all for my little man x

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    Unfortunately we can't pick our families, my nanny is the same with my mum, doesn't matter what my nanny does to wind the whole family up and we are meant to accept it, but when my mum didn't send a mothers day card as her dad (my nanny's ex husband) had just died, and she completely forgot, her reaction was hideous. I was so angry with her for how she made my mum feel, but my mum just bit her tongue and carried on. I wish she would stand up for herself, to everyone else she is fine and so strong, if anyone offended one of us Lord help them, but with herself she just lets it happen.

    I think you did the right thing hanging up on her, it lets her know how much she has offended you, and perhaps will make her think, though from what you have said probably not! Sometimes it's best to keep the peace just for the rest of the families sake, and as you said you adore your dad so hopefully he will understand where you were coming from.

    Am so sorry about your friend, and realluy hope you found someone to discuss your feelings with.

    Hope this all makes sense, is far too early for any sane person so be up on a Sunday, my brain is not quite awake yet!

    xxx
     
  9. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    I admire you foe hanging up on her. I am often 5 seconds away for doing this with my mother and always bottle it. No idea why - the woman has never done anything to demonstrate she cares about me, or indeed anyone but herself - yet i still can't seem to bring myself to say anything to her about it! I've just stopped phoning her now and wait for her to call me. As a result if this i only speak to her when she phones me- which is generally when she needs money- and i have stopped saying yes to that - so she's stopped phoning. Result!
     
  10. cherry-pie

    cherry-pie Trying again in 2012

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    I feel your struggle, having been there with my dad many many times, and keeping the peace because my mum is so wonderful and doesn't need the hassle of him harping on and on! However, when you step back from this you know that you didn't have alot of choice - you could enter into an argument that you wouldn't win (as she wasn't listening and couldn't hear reason at that point anyway) or you could save the energy and walk away, which you did. I also know that none of this will make you feel any better as it all goes around and around in your head. I'd probably leave her stew for abit now, but keep talking to your dad if you can.
    Take care and try to chill today xxx
     
  11. Medusa

    Medusa Full Member

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    Oh she can keep the silent treatment up for weeks!!

    My dad is currently waiting on heart surgery so has been told to take it easy which is why I hung up more than anything. I knew I was about to explode and he does not need that. I expect she'll have the hump until I apologise for being so rude to her. She never does the apologising of course. :p

    We'll see. I now have another dilemma which in a way triggered last night's hissy fit. We're off to Ireland in 5 weeks or so and Dad bless him was anxious to have his local mechanic give my car the once over beforehand. He's booked my car in for next Saturday but I didn't realise this until mum mentioned it last night - seems my brother and family will all be there as well so she's planning a family meal etc and we'll all stay over. Except I've already planned to have my daughter's birthday sleepover next Friday...

    She was not happy that I didn't know I was expected there next weekend - they are 60 miles away - and when I said (laughingly) "Don't worry I'm used to not being told anything" (my kids often make arrangements to see/not see their dad without telling me and I find out last minute) - well that's when she exploded...

    So now I either have to upset daughter's birthday plans or add fuel to the fire and upset mother's plans. Assuming I'm still invited that is!! Gah.
     
  12. Medusa

    Medusa Full Member

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    And yes .. I was upset because I could not make the funeral (distance) and told mum because she knew Alison. I was astounded at her response. OK I didn't expect her to be upset but common courtesy should have prompted a more sympathetic response...:confused:

    Luckily, I have plenty of friends who were very sweet.
     
  13. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    Hugs Medusa !!

    I do not have this problem with a parent as they are both dead and when they were alive would never have behaved in this way..............

    HOWEVER yes with capitol letters !!!!! I have it on a daily basis with our elderly lady. She is rude, demanding and always looking for a fight.What is worse I speak to her every bl00dy day !!!!! Eeek !!!

    You did the right thing to let her know how you feel..................if you don't let her know she will never be aware of what she is doing.

    I do not understand why with some older people that they think their age gives them the right to be rude . I am ancient and would hate to think that my selfish and self centered opinions had hurt someone and would be delighted if they let me know if I had.

    You have given me the courage to be more assertive when I go through my daily dose of punishment........thank you.


    Well done, stick by your actions. Who knows , long term you could alter the situation for the better
     
  14. Maximus

    Maximus Gold Member

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    My mothers is also no longer with us - maybe it is different for blokes and their mums (just like dads and daughters) but I still miss my mum and it pains me to read about these fallling outs that some people seem to have.

    I'd give up absolutely everything to have my mother back, but I appreciate that my mum's nature was a lot different to most others and therefore I was luckier than most.

    Just wish she saw me slim:( - maybe she does:)

    Try and patch it up, though it sound irretrievable to me.
     
  15. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    Hi Maximus. Sorry to hear about your mum. I lost my dad a long time ago and he was the best, so i get what you mean about it being upsetting when people don't get on with their parents. The fact i only have my mum now makes me less inclined to lose it with her - even though she has given me more than enough reasons over the years to do so.

    Medusa - could you not compromise on this weekend? You don't want your daughters weekend plans to be disrupted, but equally, it sounds like your dad's done a lovely thing for you with the car. Could you perhaps go to your parents on Saturday so your daughter can still have her sleepover - or tell your mum you can't stay over due to the short notice but will come for the day? She's already in a bad mood with you because you can't read minds or the future - can she be in any worse a mood with you if you don't fit in with her plans?

    If all else fails - boots sell some really good earplugs that you can't see in your ears - might be worth investing.
     
  16. Medusa

    Medusa Full Member

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    ...
     
    Last edited: 24 April 2011
  17. Medusa

    Medusa Full Member

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    :D:D:D

    I am very like my dad - mum and I have never seen eye to eye really. She has very little self awareness, other than she does very like to be the centre of attention. As long as we can pander to that all is well. She is becoming more and more like her own mother which is scary.

    I have no memory of being cuddled by my parents, or being told they love me. Both were very into Guiding/Scouting and I remember when I was 9 or so being told by mum that she could show me no favouritism - to so many girls she was amazing but I always felt on the outside.

    I don't want to fall out with her but I suspect the only way forward is to formally apologise otherwise she cannot move forward. The question is ... do I?

    fillymum - she's getting worse and maybe the fact that no-one has ever picked her up on has contributed to that.

    kingleds - if daughter can't change I've already said I'll drive down early Sat - will have to leave here about 7am but heyho. Also need to make sure her sleepover mates are able to get home. Suspect Mum has planned an "family evening" for the Friday so just being there for the Saturday might not be acceptable. Although the atmosphere may not be ideal. :D Plus it'll be just me of course...I can't expect kids to come with me at that time of the morning.
     
  18. sarah5298a1

    sarah5298a1 Silver Member

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    oh dear, some people just shouldnt have kids they are too selfish i know a few people who treat their children like this. i have a 6 month old baby and i hope i never make him feel so mad or upset with me that he has to put the phone down. i hope you're feeling a bit better hunni and enjoy the easter with your kids and husband and forget about your mothers petty behaviour :) xx
     
  19. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    The fact you worry about upsetting your child is a fairly good indication that you won't treat him badly - unfortunately some people don't think like you - i am one of them and its why i'm not having kids - i'm too selfish & like my life as it us.

    Medusa - hope u manage to get it all sorted. Don't apologise to her though. You have nothing to apologise for- it wasn't you who didn't phone her in the first place and it was hardly a capitol offence to not phone her anyway!!
     
  20. largelesley

    largelesley Silver Member

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    Hi all i also didnt have a great relationship with my mum altho she was not as bad as some as your mums sound
    I work with the elderly and they really all regress into children some of them are just plain rude and throw tantrums
    The thing is my mum has been gone for a yr and a haf and i miss her every day now if someone had said that to me i would never have believed them
    Dont get me wrong my mum was never cruel to me just hard to get on with but id have it all bak in a second
    Take care and stay strong xx
     
  21. Medusa

    Medusa Full Member

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    Not cruel here either just rather self centred. That's why I feel bad griping about it but I barely slept last night I was so wound up and I hate she can do that to me. :(

    sarah .. thanks hon. Tis just me and the teens and they are with their dad, stepmum and half-siblings for Easter so enjoying the weekend with the cats and a few glasses of vino. :cool:
     
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