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Kacey - Following Danish LL- CD (VLCD)

Day 8 - Why am I starting on Day 8? Well, I had to make it over a big hurdle - a week - to convince myself that I could actually follow this WOE. Now I'm on Week 2 and I can see that I CAN follow this WOE and that it is going to help me address a lot of issues.

I want to use this diary to record my thoughts, my rants, my irrationalities, my screw ups, and my successes. I want to be able to look back and see what works, what doesn't, and what causes me to stay on track - or get derailed. Primarily, I think that since I'm giving up 'food' (so to speak) that I'm going to be learning a lot about myself, my relationship to food, the way I use food as a crutch, and how to stop doing that in the future.

My history - I have been overweight all my life. I have been, as a child and teen, very sporty but also overweight. This continued until I was 108 kilos. I grew up in the US but now live in Denmark, the last 12 years. Moving to Denmark did not help. In fact, I gained weight. The Danes drink a lot and this really added to my problems and my weight issues. I hated wine when I came here - now I have a hard time staying away from it! Too hard of a time. I'm adding that to my 'problem' list and I am going to sort it out while I sort out my eating 'problem'.

In 2004, I had a baby (at age 38). All the time I was pregnant and after having him, I was in a fog. Daily, the fog kept getting worse and worse. I couldn't get up. I couldn't remember what I was talking about to people. I thought I was getting some kind of brain cancer. A doctor FINALLY - after I went on Weight Watchers for 12 weeks and exercised 2 hours a day and GAINED 2 pounds - decided they should test my thyroid. Hallelujah! It didn't work. THAT must be my problem all these years - or so I thought. Started my thyroid meds. Felt loads better. Lost NO WEIGHT. Eating 1,200 calories a day - low fat - GAINING weight still. Hmmmm. I gave up! Might as well eat.

In 2006 - 2007, over 6 months, I finally lost 23 kilos following Atkins. I loved this 'diet'. I enjoyed the food, the cooking, the people, all the veggies, the 'no processed food', the energy, etc. I worked out a HUGE amount as well. Pilates, weights, yoga, walking, race walking, bicycling, swimming, you name it - I did it! So I lost the weight - ate really well - AND was super fit. I needed to lose another 15 kilo but I was doing well. THEN........

July, 2007 my son, who has Ataxia (and more since then) and other 'unable to diagnose' problems, fell into a fire on the beach and got 3rd degree burns on his hands. He had to have a skin transplant and well, it was a horrific time. We 'lived' in the burn unit in an isolation room. No going out. No one coming in. They brought the super high calorie food in 6 times a day to make sure that he had energy to start healing. We were 'fed' at the same time. There was nothing to do but eat... Since we took turns being at the hospital and he could never be left alone, we couldn't even go down (or out) for any food at all. The hospital food was fine - just extra calorie fortified. Needless to say, that was the beginning of the end of the great weight loss.

Three diagnosis and no conclusions later, our son is recovering from his burn. Walks, still with assistance, as if he is drunk. He has hearing aids now. He has been given a diagnosis of Retinitis Pigmentosa (nothing any parent wants to hear). And still no conclusive diagnosis.

In Spring 2008, I left the company I founded to my partner. We had a few (read MANY) disagreements about how to run the company. Basically, my 'baby' was given to the 'father' in this divorce - and I ended up with nothing (nearly). That was painful. But I was distracted with my son's problems at the same time.

Summer 2008 - I've gained 15 kilos back of the 23 kilos I lost. I knew with every bite I took (and every drink too) I was gaining it back. I just couldn't stop myself. I'm not a binge eater. I'm not an overeater. But I need to eat small amounts, not drink alcohol, and exercise to maintain or lose. That was not happening. I was using cooking, and planning 'good' meals for my family as an excuse to just eat yummy, wonderful comfort food and drink way too many glasses of wine.

A knee injury in August 2007 seriously side lined my exercising. Then when I was just getting back on track, a back injury has taken me nearly out of the ball game. (4 weeks ago)

Now... a few weeks ago a myriad of events caused me to 'wake' up. I won't go into those now as I'm sure to be examining them myself over the next weeks. Anyway - I just, actually very carelessly, went and got the 'powder' to start drinking 'shakes' until I could get up the energy to do something else. I can't exercise because of my back and knee so I needed something low, low calorie. I also needed to deal with what is getting and keeping me overweight.

I WANT to be thin. I WANT to be sexy. I WANT to be healthy and stylish and cute and perky and a woman that people say "WOW, how do you keep yourself so well?". All the while I WANT that - I'm sabotaging myself. But WHY? Well, that's the purpose of this diary. If you've read this far - thank you for bearing with me. I think its going to be a soul baring time over the next weeks/ months. I also think that not having any food choices (so to speak) is going to really give me some things to think about - things I avoided thinking about by preparing lovely, gourmet style meals (lots of thought, shopping, prepping, cooking, and cleaning goes into those). It might get ugly... but underneath that ugliness I think there is a healthy, sexy woman just DYING to get out! Let's find out!
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What am I doing?

I am following Nupo. It is similar to Cambridge or LL only made by a Danish company. There is no counseling however. I have contacted Cambridge and one of the Cambridge counselors to see if they would sell me their stuff in Denmark but no one responds - so I'll stick with this one. It is 6 times a day. (shakes and soups, you can have 1 bar a day). All the vitamins you need for the day in 6 servings. No artificial anything. It is about 600 calories per day with all 6 servings. Taste? OK. Nothing to write home about but no big complaints either. I'd really like something to 'chew' - but the bars are suppose to be for 'emergencies' as they are too high in carbs and 2 servings in each bar. I've only used them 3 times. I'd like to have the Cambridge 'foods' as the sound much nicer - and also a counselor to talk with but there is no one in Denmark. :cry:
Day 9 - Lots of pondering

My goodness yesterday was hard! My 'old' voice was telling me ALL kinds of reasons I should have a bite of this, or a bit of that. I started growing vegetables this year (in a big greenhouse we put up) primarily so my son could have organic veggies. Well, now they are all coming on and I want to eat them sooooo badly! My first ever fresh grown, organic veggies. I KNOW that veggies aren't bad - but have a feeling that a few bites of those is just a step away from a few bites of something else.

As a consequence I dreamt of food - primarily omelette's with loads of cheese and veggies. I did make it - but it was minute by minute. I'm amazed (and inspired) by the people on here who have stuck with it thru week after week. Does it get easier???

We've had 2 guys living with us the last 2 weeks (working on the house) and I've had to make their dinner every night. Amazingly this has not been that hard. What I think I am discovering though is how much time and energy I've put into food. It is like a major mind-consuming thing. (what food will we eat tonight? what dishes? are we getting our 6 portions of fruit and veg? can I make it taste better? etc) Now that these guys are gone - as of this morning - well, I'm going to try to be way LESS involved in the food (buying and preparing) in this house. Let's see what issues that brings up for me.

Maybe no one else suffers with these issues - but I sure seem too. I'm a strong willed, positive minded person. But I've had SOOO much trouble taking weight off. Why is that? I can do ANYTHING else I set my mind to doing. What is it about food and my weight that control me instead of me controlling it? Let's hope this 'no food' journey helps me discover this - while I'm losing, losing, losing. I've set a goal of 58 kilos. I haven't weighed that since I was 10 years old. I sort of set it as a lark.... but hmmm, maybe,.... well, just maybe I can get that low! :confused:
S: 14st4lb C: 11st0lb G: 9st10lb BMI: 25.6 Loss: 3st4lb(23%)
Hi Kacey

Welcome to the forum - and thanks for sharing.
You've had a rough old time and its not surprising the weight has had to take a back seat. Hope things improve for your son and you are successful in your weight loss journey.

If it helps. W8 - the VLCD I follow here in the UK will export overseas - we've just had a girl from the US start with us and she orders online and they ship it over to her. I'm pretty sure that you will be able to get support from one of our consultants over the phone/email if you need it. The website is www.allaboutW8.co.uk

If that doesn't pan out - everyone here on this site is lovely, the support is fantastic and we'll all do our best to keep you on track.

All the best

Carol x
Contacted W8

Hi Carol - Thanks for that - I have emailed them this morning. It would be nice to have some options. I'm happy (so far) with the Danish version but a few more choices and some optional counseling help is probably a good idea so I keep it off this time. I'm hoping to become one of those people who says "Oh - I just can't eat when I'm stressed.... I haven't eaten for 3 days now!" :D At least in the future that would help with the stress/eating scenario! Thanks for your nice comments.... I'm going to keep posting and looking for the 'truth' (i.e. how not to gain it back when I'm done) - everyone's ideas and thoughts are welcome!

By the way - I keep coming back to your stats! You are amazing. What an inspiration! Seriously - I hope I can do as well as you have!

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Everything I've ever done that worked

That is the title of a fantastic book by Lesley Garner. Beg, borrow or steal it! It can save the day (or the week). Each little item is about 2 - 4 pages and sometimes I just open the book to any page to get a 'quick fix'. Anyway - the book has inspired me to start writing down the things that work for me. Things that keep me on track. Things that keep me from cheating. Things that make me feel good. I have this idea that we all have a series of recordings that we 'play' in certain situations. Whether these are good or bad recordings, we just press 'play'. (An example - my husband and I have about 5 or 6 fights that we have over and over again. We really don't need to have them - we could just record one of them and then when he starts in with "You NEVER...." - I could just press play! The whole fight could then be carried on without either one of us getting worked up! The result in the end - the same - nothing has changed.)

Anyway - I have an idea that I press 'play' in a lot of situations when I should be thinking... For example, I'm tired, stressed out, and there is yet ANOTHER demand on my time before we can even think about bed. I then (in the past) played the 'let's have a glass of wine while we do X' tape. I have ALL KINDS of justifications for these actions but the bottom line is that I'm really playing the same actions over and over again. Funny - I somehow expect different results... :confused:

So, here's the start of my list. I'm going to add to it so on those days when I really, really find life happening to me instead of me deciding what is going to happen in my life - I'll hopefully press the 'play' button that says "READ YOUR LIST" first before I ruin any good things going!

1. Look at before and after pics of other people when thinking that a bite won't hurt or that this WOE isn't leading anywhere.
2. Listen to 5 minutes of relaxation or inspirational SOMETHING everyday. (in the toilet, on a short walk, in the car, laying down to go to sleep, sometime)
3. Slip on my shoes and walk for at least 5 minutes - 3 times a day. DO IT DO IT DO IT. (I have a hard time tearing myself away from the computer for this one - so now I've set an alarm!)

OK, more to come as I think of them.... Please add your ideas also!

P.S. Day 10 - No cheating, not even a lick or a taste! I did before pictures yesterday - YIKES! I also did before measurements - even more YIKES! I couldn't get up the nerve to do them until I had stuck with this for a week. Thank goodness - I would have scared myself out of doing anything. Stupid???!!! I know. I REALLY need to figure this stuff out!

Day 11 - I made steak for the rest of the family last night and wanted one little bite so bad I could hardly stand it. Feeling all put out and sorry for myself, I waited til they finished dinner to eat my 'soup'. Then I went to bed early as I was exhausted (son up at 11:45 pm the night before and no sleep since). Well, he didn't sleep well last night either so I'm wrecked. Hopefully the coffee will pull me out of this funk.

Successfully, I didn't take a bite! :) I also managed 3 15 minute walks yesterday. 2 the day before. So that was a positive. Maybe it contributed to my tiredness as well.

Something strange I noticed yesterday - I miss being FULL. Not 'stuffed and cannot move' type of full. Just I've eaten til my tummy says 'That's good - we are finished now'. It creates some kind of relaxing feeling that I miss. Food should just be sustenance not something I take in to create OTHER feelings. Hmmm. I never noticed before how much I enjoyed that feeling you have after eating a nice meal then just relaxing. OK, I know, intellectually, that your system is working it's butt off to burn off all those calories but the feeling is / was nice. I need to learn to NOT go for that feeling. I wonder how I do that one??

Adding to my list of things that work for me:
- taking my vitamins. I take a lot of vitamins and supplements, always have done. But when I eat like crap - I don't take them. Feels like a waste of money. Stupid, right? I mean that's when I need them the most. Anyway - somehow I've noticed that laying out my vitamins and taking them spurs feelings of good health and healthy eating (plus it takes GALLONS of water to get them all down!). So this is going on my list of things that work for me.

OK, goal for today - get in my 3 walks. (besides my personal goals) I've decided to list all I accomplished in the week during the weekend. That will make me feel better when I look back over time - I will see what I accomplished by NOT standing in the kitchen and cooking and eating and drinking wine! :p

Have a great day everyone!
Thoughts on self-image

At some point I have to address this. Might as well start now. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself as fat. How freaky is that? I always hear about people seeing themselves as fat - when they are really thin. Then they eat to get their self back to matching what they 'see' in the mirror. Why the heck can't I do that? I 'see' myself as thin and attractive. Then I see a picture and think 'WHO IS THAT FATTY?'. OMG - It's ME!

Somehow matching my image of myself to what I really, really look like must be an important part of this 'journey' of getting slim and staying slim. But how can I do that?

I practice all these visualizations of me getting to my 'right' size. But there is some wire crossed in my brain somewhere! Does anyone else have this problem or is just me that sees myself totally mismatched to what I actually am in real life?
S: 14st4lb C: 11st0lb G: 9st10lb BMI: 25.6 Loss: 3st4lb(23%)
At some point I have to address this. Might as well start now. I look in the mirror and I don't see myself as fat. How freaky is that? I always hear about people seeing themselves as fat - when they are really thin. Then they eat to get their self back to matching what they 'see' in the mirror. Why the heck can't I do that? I 'see' myself as thin and attractive. Then I see a picture and think 'WHO IS THAT FATTY?'. OMG - It's ME!

Somehow matching my image of myself to what I really, really look like must be an important part of this 'journey' of getting slim and staying slim. But how can I do that?

I practice all these visualizations of me getting to my 'right' size. But there is some wire crossed in my brain somewhere! Does anyone else have this problem or is just me that sees myself totally mismatched to what I actually am in real life?
Hi Kacey

I used to think exactly the same way! In my head I was still a size 10 skinny hotty!!! Massive denial going on for nigh on five years - what really spurred on starting this FINAL weightloss journey was glancing at myself in a shop window and actually not recognising myself. I look at my "before" pictures and I can't believe its me, I can't believe I let myself get like that and I can't believe my fab boyfriend still fancied me!!

So I completely understand where you're coming from.

If I can get my head sorted on this - so can you! And thanks for your kind comments - weirdly I don't feel like I've made this massive achievement. I feel like I've just undone the harm I'd done to myself and gone back to being "ME" again (the size 10 skinny hotty I'd always been in my head!!!!)

Well done on doing so well so far

Carol x

PS - re the vitamins - do your packs not contain your full recommended amounts of vits/minerals? If they do - will you not be taking too much of certain vits? Could that be a bit dodgy - worth checking out maybe. Not to be negative but thinking about your health xx

Hi Carol - I do take a lot of supplements and the packs I take also have added vitamins but I am trying not to cross them up too much. I'm adding CO Q10, Selenium, Evening Prim Rose Oil, extra Vitamin D, Fish Oil, Alpha Lipoic Acid, etc. Thanks for the comments as I agree it is something to watch out for when supplements are added.

Please consider what an achievement you HAVE made and also what an inspiration you are to people! I'm 'watching' you, as are others, and we are making positive choices in hard times thanks to you! Keep up the great work - you are helping ME (and many others!) get there too!!!! :p
Husband wants to follow this diet too EEK!


Well I had lots of Day 12 comments but they have all been erased out of my head by my husband saying this: "Starting Monday I'm going to follow YOUR diet too". OH NO!

I know that usually it HELPS to have someone else along for the 'ride' - so to speak. But our past experience with dieting goes like this:

Husband says:
1. I am going to start your diet seriously on Monday.
2. I prepare all the foods (or in this case packets).
3. He loses more than me and CHEATS!
4. I get annoyed because I'm making all the food and he is cheating on top of it (i.e. eating the 'diet' food AND cheating)
5. He 'quits' and cheats for a weekend or a week
6. I get REALLY annoyed and one of the times he is 'cheating' I end up cheating too
7. I start back dieting again.

This circle happens over and over and over again. So I am less than thrilled to have him doing this with me. I WANT to have a different outcome this time. I can't really see me saying "NO - I want make your drinks" when I'm making my own. But how to avoid getting teed off when he cheats even after my efforts (or in spite of my efforts)????

All this brings up some bad eating behavior on my part (eating out of spite - or "to show you!") which evolved in my childhood. I'm not blaming anyone or looking backwards but my dad was an alcoholic and always 'made' me eat whatever he said so I wouldn't be FAT and UGLY. Well, out of spite I would eat whatever I could get my hands on - as this was something he couldn't really control. This ugly circle happened over and over again. I'm not saying it's his fault I am fat - it is my own fault for sure. But I did learn some uses for food that were not exactly healthy. I see this pattern happening with my husband (not him calling me names or whatever but the situation where I eat 'to show him' or 'in spite of him'). I need to stop this. But how????!
A Rant!!! *&^%%$$%&

Day 13 - I'm going to write this down so I can go back and see how ridiculous I'm being this morning.

First, I got to sleep all night Friday night since hubby took our son during the night. So, feeling refreshed on Saturday, I 'pushed' myself during my 3 15 minute walks. Pushed a little harder and pushed a little longer (trying for 60 minutes in total a day). I made dinner for son and husband. Cleaned up mess. blah blah (general whining) Went to bed good and early. Bless him, my husband took our son AGAIN during the night. Two nights of sleep! What a blessing! One would think that would be the start to a fantastic Sunday!

Got up early (5:45) - weighed. I've GAINED WEIGHT SINCE LAST WEIGH IN???? I shouldn't have weighed - as WI is on Tuesday - but I was so proud of myself for getting my walking in everyday this week.... ARGHHH! OK, I decided to go for a walk before son woke up as hubby will then need to go to sleep since he had him during the night.

Did my walk. Things looking good. Here comes son. Hubby decides to let him crawl down steps himself (with him helping of course). Son falls and BANGS his head on the wall. My heart BREAKS when he hurts himself... OK, I fix breakfast for them. But my back (herniated disk) is KILLING ME! I forgot and did my walk without my back brace. GENIUS!

Feeding them breakfast - I'm STARVING - but that will have to wait. Standing - (can't sit due to my back) - I feed my son his breakfast. I am giving him a piece of bacon when he bites my finger so hard that I almost instantly burst into tears. (a four year old can BITE!) OK - I need to get a grip. Wash face. Back to feeding him. He takes his table off his chair and drops it on my foot (which he did about 15 times yesterday). I am SO angry (and it hurt like (*&(*) that I kick the stupid table about 3 or 4 feet. Hubby is like "what is your problem?" I think it is best NOT to answer that question in my state!

I don't know if this is all because of hubby wanting to go on my diet with me, if it's because my weight went up after NO FOOD, NOT A TASTE OF FOOD, NOT A LICK OF FOOD, after 13 days, (hmmm does that sound like frustration), or if it's because my back hurts and I can't sit down, pick anything up off the floor (including my son), etc.

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM TODAY? And the main thing - how the heck to keep myself from eating as a result? That will be a BIG success! Cooking 3 meals a day for the rest gives such temptation to take a bite, have a nibble, just 'taste' it. Also, my green house is full of fresh veggies..... Ah well.

OK, I think I'm done with my moaning for now.... Good grief. I need to take a look at people who have it really bad and suck-it-up!!!!!!!! I think when I have a break from my son today I will read some stories about people who are really down on their luck and give myself some perspective!

It's all about perspective in the end, isn't it????
Hi Kacey :wavey:

Just to let you know, I am reading. xx
Trying to get a grip on myself...

Still in a crappy mood.... wondering if I REALLY, REALLY want to be thin - why do I make choices that leave me NOT thin, but overweight, tired, and unhealthy? One part of my brain is saying one thing (Be thin! You'll look great! You'll feel great! Think how sexy you are going to be!) while another VERY LOUD VOICE is saying, "Stop this nonsense. Who would say it was a good idea not to eat? As a matter of fact, life is short - just enjoy it - quit torturing yourself. If people are going to love you for what you look like, then screw 'em.) BLAH BLAH BLAH

I'd put my hands over my ears - but it's the voices INSIDE my head doing battle! Good grief... Sleep would be a reprieve but I'm dreaming either about food or my son is waking me up!

What is wrong with me? I WANT to be THIN! I'm really, really INSPIRED by the pictures of people who have succeeded here. Yet, some part of me wants to have that bite, that nibble, that taste.... and it is whispering LOUDLY - "oh it's only one bite - what difference will it make?"


I think I'm Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.....

Thoughts on the past...

I'm normally a very even tempered person but today has really, really tried my patience. For no good reason that I can see. So - lost in thought - I started wondering about this diet, food, and it's roll in my life.

As I mentioned before, my dad was an alcoholic. Very abusive. I don't blame him. He was sick. Unfortunately, I was his 'favorite' so every time I failed (an A- instead of an A+) I got to feel his wrath. Even without him saying a word, I punished myself severely for every little 'failure'. One of his big things was that I was 'too' fat. I was a competition ice skater, starting skating at age 3. I was a cheerleader. I was in every sport under the sun. I hated EVERY SECOND OF IT (not the ice skating but all the rest). I did it because I needed approval and also to PROVE I wasn't what he said I was. (to myself AND to him) There were awful moments - for example - him forcing my face and head into the mirror so I could "look at my fat, ugly face and tell him what I was going to do about it". Guess what I did about it? I ate! All the time. In secret. In front of him. ALL THE TIME. It was my one thing I could control.

It was a test! That is what I think I'm realising. It was - "Do you STILL LOVE ME EVEN IF I'M FAT?"

Fast forward some years.... constant dieting, excessive exercising, huge pressure on myself to succeed at school, in work, in life. I met a guy that really, really worshipped me. My family hated him. I immediately moved in with him (19 years old). My family would not speak to me. In absolute anguish - after months of this - he said, "Why don't we just get married so they will accept US?" I FOR SOME BIZARRE REASON - said Yes. The day we got married (ran away and did it), I sat on the steps opposite the office where we should marry and thought "You will look back on this day, sitting here, and remember that this was a HUGE mistake and you knew it going in." But I felt trapped into the situation - I didn't want to move back home - and I couldn't back down on him.

Soon after we were married, I started eating (and stopped exercising). We had a blast - eating, drinking, relaxing, playing. I grew bigger and bigger (and so did he). He said a few times "um, would it be a good idea if you lost some weight?" I said "If you don't like me - leave". A test!

While I was in the hospital having our daughter (2 months early so I was in the hospital in labor for a week) - he was out cheating. I found out because after I got home from having her - and we had intercourse again - I got an STD. Found out from the doctor that what I had was only 'caught' from someone. He confessed. I immediately made plans for our life together to be over. That was too much.

I got divorced. Lost weight. Wasn't thin - but wasn't super fat either. Success at my job. Success at everything - more or less. LOTS AND LOTS OF EXCESSIVE exercising.

My father died. I spent a year partying, eating, drinking, and generally trying to 'deal'. At the end of that year, after some other events I won't mention now, I ended up taking a job in Denmark. 10 days after being in Denmark I met my current husband.

Fast forward, 1 1/2 years. We are getting married. Been living together with our combined 3 kids for almost all of this time. BOTH of us are now fatter than we've ever been in our life. I seem to have this affect on men! He loved me anyway. Unfortunately, it seems our dieting / cheating / dieting cycles are linked to each other. He is sure all the food I cook is designed to make him overweight. Some sick, sick part of me thinks either 1. even if I'm overweight you should love me and find me attractive or EVEN WORSE 2. I am pissed off at you so I'm going to eat because I can CONTROL that.

Obviously this is all linked to some behavior I taught myself as a child. I didn't know what I was doing then. I do now - but I still 'react' unconsciously. This time, I'm determined that this diet will be my last. Part of what appeals to me A LOT is that I can't 'react' with food. I'm either following the diet or I'm not. You CAN eat WAY too much healthy, good for you food. And I do. I over do it - then totally fall off the wagon trying to PROVE something.

Now, sadly, I've reached a point where things are not great between he and I. All kinds of reasons - including the HORRIFIC stress of a very handicapped child. That is not the only reason. But it doesn't matter.

My REACTIONS are killing me! I have a knee injury, severe. I have a herniated disk in my back. I am either going to go into the rest of my 40's like this and end up in a wheel chair or I'm going to finally FIX myself. Sorry to say - but to hell with those men in my life that can't love me if I don't 'look' right. I'm not saying that is my husband - but.... well, we'll find out, won't me. A bit scary? Yes. The prospect of not doing this diet successfully. WAY MORE SCARY!

Sorry for the long post. I'm obviously trying to 'work' out some things and I think that really the only way I can do it is 'out loud'. Thanks for your patience!

Still in a crappy mood.... wondering if I REALLY, REALLY want to be thin - why do I make choices that leave me NOT thin, but overweight, tired, and unhealthy? One part of my brain is saying one thing (Be thin! You'll look great! You'll feel great! Think how sexy you are going to be!) while another VERY LOUD VOICE is saying, "Stop this nonsense. Who would say it was a good idea not to eat? As a matter of fact, life is short - just enjoy it - quit torturing yourself. If people are going to love you for what you look like, then screw 'em.) BLAH BLAH BLAH

I'd put my hands over my ears - but it's the voices INSIDE my head doing battle! Good grief... Sleep would be a reprieve but I'm dreaming either about food or my son is waking me up!

What is wrong with me? I WANT to be THIN! I'm really, really INSPIRED by the pictures of people who have succeeded here. Yet, some part of me wants to have that bite, that nibble, that taste.... and it is whispering LOUDLY - "oh it's only one bite - what difference will it make?"


I think I'm Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.....
You aren't Jeykll or Hyde .. you're human. I go through the same thing! :hug99:
The hugs I give you seem so futile. I really just want to fly to Denmark and give you a proper hug. You have so many issues. Losing weight won't make the problems disappear, but despite my own failures, I honestly believe problems will cut less deeply.

Sending you lots of good vibes ...
lovin your diary....thanks for sharing....

Debz x
Day 14... looking to be a better week! (fingers crossed)

Thank you for the comments both Caching and Debz. I wonder if I DO need a hug? I don't get many of those (except from my son) as I don't have many friends here. Maybe you are right Caching and that is something I really, REALLY need! Thank you for reminding me of that - sometimes I get lost inside myself and 'forget' I have some basic human needs that maybe aren't getting met.

On to Day 14... last night I was so depressed. Been rearranging the house, throwing out stuff, etc. so when I went to bed, on my shelf was a book I hadn't seen in ages (and when I had it in my hands I had only read about 20 pages of it). The book: "You Can Heal Your Life" - Louise Hay.

So, sort of believing in these things (and being desperate), I said to myself - "OK, wherever I open this book - it is going to give me some direction" (thank goodness it wasn't a Stephen King book or something!). Anyway - here's what it said (yes, on precisely the page I opened it to):

Controlling the Mind
There is an incredible power and intelligence within you constantly responding to you thoughts and words. As you learn to control your mind by the conscious choice of thoughts, you align yourself with this power.
Do not think your mind is in control. YOU are in control of your mind. YOU use your mind. You CAN stop thinking those old thoughts.
When your old thinking tries to come back and say, "It's so hard to change," take mental control. Say to your mind, "I now choose to believe it is becoming easier for me to make changes." You may hae to have this conversation with your mind several times for it to acknowledge that you are in control and that what you say goes.

Well, that was a 'cool' thing to read. I know that of course... But, the reminder was VERY timely. I'm fat and 'out of control' as a result of decisions I made in the past. I can CHOOSE to make decisions today that will mean I am THIN and IN CONTROL tomorrow! I'm going for that option :D!

She gives a good example in the book of this:
"If you have a child who has been allowed to stay up as late as he wishes for a long time, and then you make a decision that you now want this child to go to bed at 8 pm every night, what you think the first night will be like?
The child will rebel against this new reule and may kick and scream and do his best to stay out of bed. If you relent AT THIS TIME, the child wins and will try to control you forever.
However, if you calmly stick to your decision and firmly insist that this is the new bedtime, the rebellion will lessen. In two or three nights, the new routine will be better established.
It is the same thing with your mind. Of course it will rebel at first. It does NOT want to be RETRAINED. But you are in control, and if you stay focused and firm, in a very short time the new way of thinking will be established.
And you will feel SO GOOD to realise that you are not a helpless victim of your own thoughts, but rather a master of you own mind."

OK, sorry to bore you with these quotes from a book but WOW, that is definitely the way I want to start this Monday!!!! Not being a helpless victim of Dr. Jekyll inside harassing me into going back to the 'old', 'easy' route - but an in control DIVA who is going to be so drop dead gorgeous and sexy that I will have men quivering in front of me!!! (ha ha ha ha - stop laughing - I'm trying for a BIG GOAL here so that if I miss slightly I'll still be sexy and stylish!)

Later I will detail what I 'eat' everyday. Thanks to the recipe posters - you have given my life some variety!!! Off for my walk now. I've successfully (PAT ON THE BACK TO ME!) added in 3 20 minute walks a day. Also, pat on the back for me (and due to my bad back and knee) - I didn't add MORE. A bad habit of mine, in the past, is to say "If 3 x 20 minutes is good, then 5 x 1 hr is even better" - or something equally unsustainable. This time - I'm adding an exercise a week. CONTROL - isn't that what she said we have - somewhere DEEP in our minds.

OMG - I do believe there is visions of a NEW me coming out. Maybe just a glimpse but just maybe....

More later - thank you VERY MUCH for those people have given me support. I'm pouring out my heart and soul here - and know I sound very much ridiculous. But I never did this before - BARED IT ALL - and this time, I'm going to make all the right moves and SUCCEED.

How's that for a Monday morning post???? (if you aren't sleeping yet!)
What am I 'eating'?

I don't know if this is interesting for anyone else, but at least I'll have some kind of record going forward. Today is Day 14. No cheating. Not even a lick. My intention is to continue that way. 100 days. After that, we'll see.

Morning: (looks complicated when I write it down but after son is off to school I'm done in 30 minutes including my walk!)

  • Drink 2 glasses of water while waiting on coffee and getting son ready for school.
  • Cup of coffee. Boil water for green tea.
  • Walk 15 - 20 minutes. Let water cool. (I didn't know this for years, because I'm dense or something, but green tea has to be made with medium hot water not boiling hot.)
  • Make liter of green tea (I just put some packets of it in a tea jug and pour a liter of water in. This is my personal preference as I think there are lots of positive reasons to drink tea and I think it makes my skin and hair look really good!)
  • Drink Coffee Latte shake or have a Chocolate Muffin (thank you recipe posters!) note: I have to add loads more water to my packets than it says in the recipe but once it cooks, I turn it out onto a plate and let it cool for 5 minutes (even if there are still runny bits I just pile them on top of the flipped over 'muffin' - they cool right into the muffin) (sometimes have a second cup of coffee if son didn't sleep at all)
  • More water.... (I have a sparkling water maker that I got fairly cheap - it comes with 2, 1 liter bottles. I put some 'regular' water in 1 and make some sparkling water out of the other. This reminds me all the time of how much water there is left to drink (as I need at least 3 of these bottles per day if not 4)
  • Take my vitamins (I do this all during the day because I'm a supplement freak)
Serving 2: (I get six servings a day of the 'powder' I'm on so if I was only getting 4 I think I'd skip this one)

  • Ice cream (whip up the shake with some ice cubes for 2 - 3 minutes) YUM!!!! Note: I add a drop of Sweetzfree. This is a no carb, no calorie, no maltrodextrin sweetener. It comes in liquid form. You have to order it online and a bottle last about 1/2 year or more! or
  • Tortilla - Yes, that's right - A tortilla. For some reason I cannot get 'crisps' to happen. I have tried and tried. What I've ended up with is a tortilla. I make this with either Thai Chili soup or Mushroom soup with Tabasco. Make the packet into a paste, put on baking paper, into microwave for appx 1 minute. When it comes out, turn over and TRY to peel the paper off... Let cool. This is quite filling and yummy. (OK, within context) This also keeps well for later in the day - just let it cool or it is all 'wet' and 'sticky'. ughh.
  • Noon - Go for 15 - 20 minute walk. So far, no matter where I am, I can manage 1 walk during the daytime. That means 1 in the morning and 1 in the evening. 3 times a day. I'm trying to keep with this rhythm because I can do it realistically anywhere. (like, in a meeting, when everyone has their lunch break, I say "Oh, I'm just going to pop out for some fresh air.")
Third serving: Soup (I add Tabasco) or a shake

  • Need I mention, drinking, drinking, drinking.... I drink 2 cups of water for every cup of tea. I get it all down by 3 pm. Then time for 3rd (and maybe 4th liter).
Fourth serving: (At or around 3 or 4 pm) Soup or shake (sometimes I make a pudding.... just less water, but COLD water, added to the chocolate makes a nice pudding - which I'm much slower to eat)

  • If I'm home, or in a place where I can, this is when I have my 3rd walk. The reason? Sometimes, with my son's problems, it is not possible to 'escape' for even 15 minutes before 9 pm. At that point I don't want to get revved up - I want to chill out and get ready for sleeping.
Fifth serving At about 5:30 pm. Reason - I have to cook dinner for the rest and I want to be 'full' when I do so. Less risk of some 'tasting'. Usually I make a nice, big, shake (lots of ice and water) so it takes a while to drink.

Sixth serving: Soup. I have elected to feed my son while the others are eating their dinner. So, I sit with them while they eat but I don't eat as I'm feeding him. Then when they are all done, my husband takes the child to read him some books and I have my soup - quietly and slowly. Then time to do dishes. If I'm lucky, and the moon and stars are in alignment - at 7 pm I MIGHT get to take a brief walk... I really try to get in the 3 - 4 pm walk so I'm not pressured here.

OK, was that incredibly BORING! But that's how I do it. Every day. If I have to be where it is impossible to have anything but a bar, then I will take one with me. But these are reserved for those occasions only. (like a doctor's office)

I'm also trying not to have more than 1 (OK, sometimes 2) microwave meals a day. If I pick between microwaving or not sticking to it, I'm sure the microwave is the better choice.

So far, I have managed all my water. I have - on week 2 - added in 45 - 60 minutes of walking daily. I have not cheated. Honestly, I'm not hungry - the urge to cheat is more associated with smell and some other deeper routed problems that I'm working on!

I hope that helps anyone that is wondering how someone else does the 'daily' packets.

By the way - my packets are from a Danish company. They sound very similar to the packets from LL or Cambridge. I have 3 options of shakes and 4 options of soup. Also 3 kinds of bars (but I stay away from them mainly). These do not have any E numbers in them (do you have that in the UK?) so they are not full of artificial yuck. They are supplemented with daily vitamins and fiber. They taste OK. But as time goes by, they taste better and better. Everything is relative! I've tried contacting Cambridge and W8 but no one replies to me - so I'm sticking to what I have for now. I think they are fine. I like the 6 meal a day idea. (If I was a 'healthy' eater, I would go for the smaller-more-frequent-meal approach. I will one day get to that!) Will I switch to one of the other programs? If I get the chance I might do that - just to have a counselor to work with on the diet. However, for now this 'diary' is the only counselor I've got.

Have a great week!

P.S. Something I'm going to try today - and if it is successful, everyday afterwards. I'm going to try adding a tablespoon of Psyllium Husks to a glass of water two times a day. This is 5 grams of fiber. It would help with any 'bathroom' problems and also bring my total fiber grams up to 30 per day. I've read quite a bit of evidence saying that having 30 grams of fiber a day on a VLCD ups the success rate. Who knows? I just know that 30 grams of fiber is probably a good thin no matter what.... Let's see how disgusting this is going to be!
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