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Late night ramblings on a sleepless night


FOr some reason, the meds have had an opposite affect on me tonight and they have made me restless. And itchy. So I got out of bed and here I am.

I thought I would tell you guys about something that happened last week, or the week before maybe.

I was cleaning out and organising my bead storage, and in the bottom of a little drawer was an envelope buried under about 6 inches of beads.

I fished it out and pulled out a card. It was from my ex BF, who I was with in between my divorce, and my hubby today. Inside were some photos.

It was quite a shock when I looked at those pics. It was clearly the worst time of my life, and the unhappiest I had ever been. I was in an absolute terrible position in the relationship - wanted out desperately, but to make a long story short, was more afraid to leave then to stay. If I can't have you - nobody will type thing.

Anyway - when I moved over her to the UK, I knew I was big - and felt I was the biggest I had ever been in my life after about 2 years here. I was certain of it. Certainly when I started LL I was bigger then ever!

Well, these photos proved otherwise, and a few things more. I was HUGE. Dangerously huge. Much more so then my before pic on my signature. MUCH more. ANd I looked so unwell, and unhappy - I looked like I had one foot in the grave on one of them! It was a real shock for me to see them, and it just made me so sad that I hated myself that much and hated my life that much to let me get to that stage without noticing it.

It also proved to me what a powerful tool our minds are. I have zero recollection of looking like that. None. At all. I have completely blocked that image from photos, from times I was in a mirror then - its as if it is another person.

I have not decided yet if I am going to post them - they are just so bloody awful - but then again I might, just to show you how we can deny ourselves. Its a scary reminder to me - I always knew I could go into denial, just never thought I could do it THAT well.

I would have to scan them anyway before I could post them, and I don;t know if our scanner works. Will look into it.

What a different life that was. ANd what a different woman that was. Makes me feel bad that no one looked after her. Namely myself.

But she is OK now. ;)

Thanks for reading!

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Slowly Shrinking. Yay!!
Hey Chicky!!
Wow Is All I Can Say!
I Kinda Know What You Mean About Blocking ourselves out.
When I Look In A Mirror I Dont See What I Am, I Think I See What I Want To See. But When I Look In Photos Is Like OH MY GOSH
But it must be a good feeling now, at the size you are for you to know yourself how well and what you have achieved.
What a revelation. Thanks for sharing it. I know it is amazing to discover what was going on back then..........and what made/kept us from a healthy weight............I think I am still searching and hope to have a revelation like yours to get me to goal. Although sad and painful for you, your story is very inspiring, and I hope you are well down the road to healing and looking yourself.
Aw welldone u, You changed yourself around for the best.
I hope you have a brilliant future ahead now!


Guess who's back...?
Thanks for sharing that BL.

I have found things in reverse... I looked back yesterday at photos from when I always thought I was HUGE, and discovered that I really wasn't that big, and it was all in my mind.

I have always been treated 'big' by my mum and family... so even at a size 14 in my teens it was suggested I shop in 'shops for bigger ladies' as the clothes would be more flattering... it is no wonder I've had a distorted sense of being a hippo all my life really!

SO - when the weight really started to go on I didn't think much of it - 'Anna, you've always been big, you don't look any different to how you looked before', but my god... looking back, I looked almost THIN compared to how I was before LL. I have got to keep taking photos of myself and looking at them... my biggest fear is getting to goal and still feeling big and self conscious.

Sorry for rambling! x

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