"This is the last time", I'll tell myself. "No more after this, okay?" and of course I agree profusely. "Of course, me, after today I will eat healthy and go to the gym. Tomorrow we're turning over a new leaf! But we should really enjoy tonight if we're going to give it all up tomorrow..."
And so the cycle continues. I can't count the number of leaves I've turned over, yet they always seem to be the same shade on the other side. Over the years I've learnt the tricks my brain has to con me into giving it sugar, I'm actually impressed at how determined my subconscious can be, and should the reasoning and bargaining fail it can always resort to a tantrum that would put a 2 year old to shame.
It's gotten to the point where even I don't believe myself when I say I'm going to be healthy. My alarm goes off at 5:30 every morning, and from somewhere within that hazy soft sleep filled state my mind laughs at how foolish i am before giving me an extra hour and a half of sleep. It wasn't until today, while reading an article written by someone trying to give up smoking, that I realised it wasn't just that I'm lazy (although that's definitely part of it) and a lover of all things sweet, I'm actually addicted to junk food. I crave it, and I am powerless against those cravings.
I don't like being powerless, and I'm so tired of being scared of failure that I wont even try, so tired of worrying that I'll still be unhappy once the weight is gone that I don't give it a chance, so so tired of hiding behind my weight because I'm afraid that if I lose it and still can't find anyone to love me then I'll just have to accept that there's something wrong with who I am and not just how I look (stupid, I know, but the thought is there)
This time I want to succeed! I want to be able to cosplay next year as catwoman and not scar peoples eyes with lumpy lycra, and I'm going to buy a bikini and wear it with pride and I'm going to do it for me this time, and not to impress some self absorbed male. I want to be healthy and happy and beat the cravings and negative thoughts
I'm going to post on here, hopefully daily, about the struggles and triumphs. I hope people read it, and that they can relate, and that they comment and share their own stories but even if they don't, I'm feeling confident... Now I should probably go to bed so I don't turn the alarm off tomorrow morning and ruin my new (hopefully last) leaf.
And so the cycle continues. I can't count the number of leaves I've turned over, yet they always seem to be the same shade on the other side. Over the years I've learnt the tricks my brain has to con me into giving it sugar, I'm actually impressed at how determined my subconscious can be, and should the reasoning and bargaining fail it can always resort to a tantrum that would put a 2 year old to shame.
It's gotten to the point where even I don't believe myself when I say I'm going to be healthy. My alarm goes off at 5:30 every morning, and from somewhere within that hazy soft sleep filled state my mind laughs at how foolish i am before giving me an extra hour and a half of sleep. It wasn't until today, while reading an article written by someone trying to give up smoking, that I realised it wasn't just that I'm lazy (although that's definitely part of it) and a lover of all things sweet, I'm actually addicted to junk food. I crave it, and I am powerless against those cravings.
I don't like being powerless, and I'm so tired of being scared of failure that I wont even try, so tired of worrying that I'll still be unhappy once the weight is gone that I don't give it a chance, so so tired of hiding behind my weight because I'm afraid that if I lose it and still can't find anyone to love me then I'll just have to accept that there's something wrong with who I am and not just how I look (stupid, I know, but the thought is there)
This time I want to succeed! I want to be able to cosplay next year as catwoman and not scar peoples eyes with lumpy lycra, and I'm going to buy a bikini and wear it with pride and I'm going to do it for me this time, and not to impress some self absorbed male. I want to be healthy and happy and beat the cravings and negative thoughts
I'm going to post on here, hopefully daily, about the struggles and triumphs. I hope people read it, and that they can relate, and that they comment and share their own stories but even if they don't, I'm feeling confident... Now I should probably go to bed so I don't turn the alarm off tomorrow morning and ruin my new (hopefully last) leaf.