Leaves in the wind

AmyAmes

New Member
"This is the last time", I'll tell myself. "No more after this, okay?" and of course I agree profusely. "Of course, me, after today I will eat healthy and go to the gym. Tomorrow we're turning over a new leaf! But we should really enjoy tonight if we're going to give it all up tomorrow..."

And so the cycle continues. I can't count the number of leaves I've turned over, yet they always seem to be the same shade on the other side. Over the years I've learnt the tricks my brain has to con me into giving it sugar, I'm actually impressed at how determined my subconscious can be, and should the reasoning and bargaining fail it can always resort to a tantrum that would put a 2 year old to shame.

It's gotten to the point where even I don't believe myself when I say I'm going to be healthy. My alarm goes off at 5:30 every morning, and from somewhere within that hazy soft sleep filled state my mind laughs at how foolish i am before giving me an extra hour and a half of sleep. It wasn't until today, while reading an article written by someone trying to give up smoking, that I realised it wasn't just that I'm lazy (although that's definitely part of it) and a lover of all things sweet, I'm actually addicted to junk food. I crave it, and I am powerless against those cravings.

I don't like being powerless, and I'm so tired of being scared of failure that I wont even try, so tired of worrying that I'll still be unhappy once the weight is gone that I don't give it a chance, so so tired of hiding behind my weight because I'm afraid that if I lose it and still can't find anyone to love me then I'll just have to accept that there's something wrong with who I am and not just how I look (stupid, I know, but the thought is there)

This time I want to succeed! I want to be able to cosplay next year as catwoman and not scar peoples eyes with lumpy lycra, and I'm going to buy a bikini and wear it with pride and I'm going to do it for me this time, and not to impress some self absorbed male. I want to be healthy and happy and beat the cravings and negative thoughts :)

I'm going to post on here, hopefully daily, about the struggles and triumphs. I hope people read it, and that they can relate, and that they comment and share their own stories but even if they don't, I'm feeling confident... Now I should probably go to bed so I don't turn the alarm off tomorrow morning and ruin my new (hopefully last) leaf.
 
Hi Amy,

I can related to this already. I hope you managed your goal of getting up this morning.

Good luck xx
 
Baby Steps

Thanks for the support Lisa!

Unfortunately, my brain decided it should keep me awake until 2am, so in the name of not going to work on 4 hours sleep, I didnt get to the gym :( The day was not a complete loss though, in fact it marks the first day that I didnt eat anything unhealthy in quite some time! Yay! Baby steps!

On a related note, I have never hated service stations so much in my life! And that's saying something, since I begrudgingly used to work in one. I stopped at the supermarket on my way home last night to pick up ingredients for dinner and some salmon for the following days lunch, rushing past the confectionary isle and carefully avoiding eye contact with anything that looked like it might have sugar in it, only to pull into the service station and be bombarded with every sugary chocolatey thing I could imagine. By this stage it was getting late and my stomach was insisting I eat something soon, but no, I told myself, no chocolate. I just had to wait a few minutes and I would be out of there. Which would have been fine, except some moron at the front of the line was messing about with money and indecision. Here I was being tortured by brightly packaged mercenaries and he was oblivious to the roll he was playing in prolonging my agony, I could have slapped him! Thankfully I restrained myself (both from the physical violence and the tempting treats) and I made it through the day without anything unhealthy.

It's weird, just knowing that I plan to post my progress on this site, even if no one reads it, it makes me feel more accountable. It's like I want to make good choices, because I want to prove to others that I can do it where as when it was just me who knew how I was going, I had no qualms with cheating or snacking. Having said that, I don't want to go on a strict diet, I love food and I still want to enjoy it. There's a party at my house tomorrow, and I fully plan to drink, plus I'm going to Sydney on Sunday (6am to 11pm) so I'm going to have to eat some kind of takeaways then. I suppose what I'm trying to do is teach myself some restraint and make as many healthy choices as I can without completely depriving myself of the foods I love.

It's not an easy process. I'm a very VERY picky eater and dislike most of the frozen foods that weight watchers and lite and easy make, plus I work full time and spend 4 hours in transit each day so sometimes it can be almost impossible to make myself cook when I finally get home. Plus my brain has already started whining for sugar, making excuses about the weather, the bad morning, my period starting (this one is Really hard to ignore) and general stress. I have stayed strong so far (Like one and a half days... :p) but I know the real cravings will be along shortly and this time I am determined to be ready. I think part of that strength comes from knowing that I can still enjoy myself at parties or out with friends (I plan to indulge a little this weekend) but at the same time I remind myself that moderation is key, so even when I'm out having fun I need to be able to stop myself. We'll see how I go this weekend.
 
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