manipulation

Discussion in 'Slimming World' started by MommyNOriana, 2 February 2011 Social URL.

  1. MommyNOriana

    MommyNOriana Full Member

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    I agreed to go out for dinner with my parents and daughter. It is my first night home in 4 days and was planning on cooking for once! We ate at a bar and grill so options were limited. Had a grilled chix salad which didn't seem "light" at all.

    Anyway! At the end of dinner my mom was asking me questions about my husband. Long story. Anyway. All of a sudden she got up and left. Leaving my dad and me and my daughter inside. She was mad at me. So she went and sat in the car. No warning. Just up and left. Now that I'm a bit older I can see her guilt trip/manipulative moves and brush them off, but at the end of the day, I'm MAD! I see her attempt at making me feel like crap. And I'm probably guilty of not saying "I don't want to talk about my husband". My mom and I have a terrible relationship due to a very unpleasant childhood. I figured out this year that the minute I walk into her house I'm "hungry". I eat to pacify my anxiety with her. But its no doubt my food issues started with her. At a young age.

    I don't feel like eating after her little episode but now I do feel that tinge of guilt. Which is what she was hoping for.

    Done with rant. Anyone else have food issues related to their parents??
     
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  3. MrsBabyCakes

    MrsBabyCakes Naughty Fridge Picker

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    I think a lot of us have issues with food which is related to 'something' . Whether it's our parents, ex relationships, relationships with peers etc etc. It all leads from something. The thing is to try and not let it rule us, often recognising triggers goes a long way to helping this. It's hard. Were here to support you. Xx

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  4. cocktailprincess

    cocktailprincess Still rockin' it

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    First point- you have to remind yourself that your Mum's behaviour was entirely socially unacceptable. It is not your perception of it that may be slightly off- in anyones book, how she behaved is just like a teenager throwing a strop. Hard as it may be, to her face this behaviour should be entirely ignored- even better if you can make it look like the rest of you had a lovely time after she walked out, so that she feels like her behaviour wasn't the 'devastating effect' she was going for.

    I once read a piece on 'disturbed characters' and the manipulation tactics employed by these people was EXACTLY describing my Mum: Understanding the Dysfunctional Tactics of Disturbed Characters

    Secondly- I have a VERY manipulative Mum, and bizarrely my sister (and to an extent my teenage neice) have all seemingly inherited it too- whenever I go to my Mums or Sisters house I am INSTANTLY looking in their biscuit tins/cupboards and eat like a horse- I never do this at home, or anywhere else for that matter

    I have noticed this link between overeating and family/growing up/home before- I don't know the answer, mate, but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone

    xxx
     
  5. MommyNOriana

    MommyNOriana Full Member

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    Thank u Very much. I found the link fascinating. And it helped explain a lot!
     
  6. jaylou

    jaylou Gold Member

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    I'm going to read that later CP because I just know it will be good!
    My mum constantly looks at what I eat, mentions my weight, my daughter's weight, her own weight....
    I don't like eating there because it seems like I am scrutinised.
    I was always compared to my friends, relations and anyone else around when I was younger and I was never good enough.

    You are definitley not alone on this one. xx
     
  7. cocktailprincess

    cocktailprincess Still rockin' it

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    Jaybobs- my Mum has switched sides now and constantly scrutinises what I DON'T eat!

    When the family go around for tea she always buys seperate food for me and makes a point of saying "I know you are on a DIET so got you these"- to anyone else in the world this would seem thoughtful, but she says it like I am a massive party pooper and despite the fact that I tell her constantly I am at target and can eat whatever everyone else eats, she still insists on constantly making comments about me being 'thin' and, basically a pain. I know this is more to do with the fact that I have prooved her and the rest of my family wrong with their "it's in our genes that we are all fat, so it isn't our fault"- I am proof that it isn't genetic and just requires a heap of hard work, but they HATE that so just try and bully me- even my neice (15) has started! It is amazing, but very much their problem

    Whenever she calls me up she ALWAYS start the call with "oh, sorry! have I disturbed your exercise?"

    The other day she said addictive personalities will always need something, so now I am not addicted to food anymore I have obviously replaced food with exercise!

    There is a huge relationship with our eating habits and relationships. It is no wonder I was morbidly obese for years- I am actually amazed that I was just fat and not an utter gibbering wreck with my lot!
     
  8. jaylou

    jaylou Gold Member

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    Our flippin parents have so much to answer for. I have done my utmost best not to pass any of this onto my lovely daughter and have tried to teach her about healthy eating, occasional treats and exercise.
    We can learn from our parents mistakes!
     
  9. Trefoil

    Trefoil Gold Member

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    My Mum is stick thin and gets on at me for what I eat. Then when I go round to hers she tries to force me to eat things out of the fridge!
    When I told her my ultimate goal she said that I could never get down to that weight and be skinny and that it was absolutely ridiculous so I lied to her (and still am) about my weight loss.
    I know what shes doing and it makes me very cross- but I pity my mum for feeling like this, an almost jealousy that she doesn't want me to get near her weight, and regardless of what she says, ill keep on lying to her until I get where I want to be.
    I think that you have to be the strong one here and try if you can to rise above it. I'm sure that it wont be easy but if you do rise above it it should, 1, make you feel better about yourself, and 2, she will start to realise what shes saying/doing and hopefully have a change of tune.

    Hope you feel better soon!

    Ruth
    x
     
  10. Mala23

    Mala23 Full Member

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    I really feel for you, and totally understand what you're going through. I have a love/hate relationship with my stepmother (my mum died when I was young) and she would torture me over my weight, even when I was a child and make snide comments. I wasn't even big and would give anything now to look like how I was before! She thinks shes doing me a favour by telling me constantly what other people have said about me and my weight...how awful I looked in clothes and that I looked like a middle aged woman with 2 kids...and how no one would marry me because I was so fat...I've heard her talk about me to other people or when i'm in the room saying how disgusted she is by the way I look etc. When I have challenged her (as a teenager) she simply responded by saying it was my fault I wasn't losing weight and that if her comments hurt so much then why wasn't I proving her and everyone else wrong? It was a mind game....manipulation to try and make me so angry to spur me into losing weight... Which fuelled me into eating more and more! Sometimes I tried dieting when I had the courage and lost weight too, but her negativity would come back and she would say things like how it wasn't good enough, or that I was only going to end up putting it all back on and really what I needed was encouragement, support and love. I think back to it now and realise I did the best I could in the situation and now I'm married, away from her negativity i'm so much happier. My OH is a therapist and has helped me psychologically to change my thoughts and supported me so much, that now i'm losing weight, exercising and never felt better!! I'm not in contact with her anymore but I do have days when all I can hear is her voice in my head telling me how awful I look and it does affect me to the point where i'm almost sabotaging my diet. I have to remind myself a lot exactly why I am doing this, and how I will feel once I have reached target...I browse through all the success stories and photos on this website and it gives me courage to believe in myself that I too, one day soon will look the way I have always wanted and this time nothing is stopping me!

    For me, I had to cut out the negativity in order to heal and move forward with my life. As hard and difficult as it was for me and dealing with a lot of guilt issues I am not going to look back and let it ruin my future. I know you can't cut out your mother from your life, but what you can do is try not letting her manipulate you. She's acting like a child and wants the attention, don't give into it. Tell yourself you are stronger, that you won't let her ruin things...I know it's easier said than done sometimes, but keep your focus on your goal and not on her. Remind yourself why you want to lose weight, what it will meam to you once you're at target. Picture yourself and the body you want. Challenge your mums manipulation and emotinal crap, she's not going to change anytime soon but you can try stop letting her manipulate you. Now you're aware of her tactics don't buy into it! And post on here when you need the support, we're all here and will help give you the courage. Best of luck to you, I hope things get better for you xx
     
  11. natasha1974

    natasha1974 Silver Member

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    I have the same problem with my dad both myself and my mum have always had comments about our weight for aslong as i remember at the age of 14 he forced me on to the weighing scales and whenever ive tried to lose weight before and have been visiting them i get the 'you cant eat that' 'that portion is far to big you will never lose weight eating that' . Then i normally have a complete binge i have no idea why this happens but it makes me eat till i feel sick and cant eat anymore. My sister takes after my dads family shes never had problems with her weight whereas my mums family are all big. I'm supposed to be visiting in 2 weeks time for half term so its gonna be the first test since re startin slimming world at the end of september.
     
  12. PurpleSky

    PurpleSky banana phone

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    I love my mother but she started something in me when i was about 12 which led me to be in and out of hospital 3 times since then to 23. She made a rather harsh comment about my weight and it all started. I dont think i can blame her for it but also i dont think she realised how hurtful she was being.
     
  13. RegField

    RegField Silver Member

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    Philip Larkin got it right. Can't quote him here, but if you google

    Larkin "this be the verse"

    you will find it.
     
  14. *EB*

    *EB* Gold Member

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    I always comfort ate as a child and my parents 'fed' me as rewards, so its cognative (sp) that I eat to be happy. Money was very tight as a family growing up on benefits, so the food was cheap and usually laden with calories/fats.....why is healthy food so expensive?!?!?!

    My mum has seen how i have done well on Slimming World and has joined and just got her 2.5 stone sticker....i am very proud of her, as she has a mental health condition which means i am 'the parent' in our relationship.

    I think your Mother was totally childish in her actions and beyond rude....i hope your Father spoke to her and made her realise she can not throw her teddy out of the pram all the time. Perhaps she wants you to not lose weight, and is trying to control you.

    Dont let her outburst interrupt your hard work and dedication to SW - you are doing so well x
     
  15. sockmonkey

    sockmonkey Full Member

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    I know the one. :D And if you read on past the first lines, the second verse I think is even more telling.

    "Man hands on misery to man
    It deepens like a coastal shelf"

    My parents didn't so much as subtly pass on their neuroses so much as bully me full-on. My father nicknamed me 'elephant' when I was in primary school, and has never dropped the size-related nicknames. And when my mum caught me trying on make-up when I was about ten she told me there was no point, I was ugly, and people would just laugh at me even more if I tried to make myself beautiful. And these comments have never, ever left me. They affect me every single day and I still can't bear to go out with any make-up but the tiniest bit of mascara, without feeling like coco the clown.

    BUT I know now as an adult that they were both miserable and depressed and neurotic. And I can either carry that misery with me forever, or I can rise above it and hopefully one day spread something positive rather than negative.
     
  16. MommyNOriana

    MommyNOriana Full Member

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    All I can say is WOW. its so interesting that we all carry so much hurt. I feel for each and every one of u. Lets be good to ourselves. And good to others. Everybody we meet is hurting in some way or another.
     
  17. Lonestitcher

    Lonestitcher Silver Member

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    CP: When your mum gives you separate food always remember you too have the power to manipulate.... When she gives you separate food say 'I can't eat that diet rubbish!!' and take something off her plate. Don't forget we also have the whole 'But I'm not on a 'diet'... I'm just healthy eating' and the final 'I hated the way I was... why can't you just be happy for me?!' comments.

    As for your niece - If you really want to help her - explain about SW (just to her, without your sister making comments). If you don't (and think that your sisters influence would make it a futile exercise) - BE SARCASTIC!! Every time she phones and says 'Did I disturb your exercise?' - say YES!! Every time you phone her say 'Did I disturb you NOT exercising?'

    As for the whole 'addictive personalities will always need something' tell her she is right - and that she obviously has an addictive personality too - you have exercise, she has giving unsolicited advice to people!!!

    If that doesn't work, you also have the retort (but utterly childish) - you're right, we both breathe - why don't you try giving THAT up!!! :p :cool:
     
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  19. cocktailprincess

    cocktailprincess Still rockin' it

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    Mate, you are a legend!!!!!

    You know how you always manage to think of the right thing to say after you put the phone down...? Well I am printing this out and keeping for the next incident

    Love it!
     
  20. MancBird

    MancBird Always comes back to MMs!

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    We can’t choose our family eh?

    My problems started because my Mum wasn’t around, she left when I was 14 and didn’t have a weight problem, and I didn’t see her for a few years… my Dad comfort ate, and so did I… food was like our security blanket, and when she came back (into my life, not to my Dad) I was obese and more unhappy than ever before… and I could see the shock and disappointment on her face at my size.

    So began the circle of losing, gaining, losing, gaining the same stone(s) for about 10 years, trying to prove myself to her, to win her love 'for good'… until I finally realised a year ago that she had no hold over me any more, and I didn’t need that kind of conditional love to be happy…I could do it for myself.

    Its funny how good it feels to set yourself free.

    I am on good terms with my Mum and she is very complimentary about my weight loss… I often wonder if she realises what went on those couple of years for me to get to the size I was.
     
  21. sockmonkey

    sockmonkey Full Member

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    CP - I know it sounds a bit stalker, but from some of your posts your family sounds a bit like mine. And I just wanted to tell you that you are an inspiration to me, because I know you've lost the weight and kept it off despite it all. So thanks so much xxx
     
  22. Fatty_no_more

    Fatty_no_more Slimming for my children

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    Hi there your mum is very childish and should really look at herself. You have nothing to feel bad about!

    To the person who said her mum told her she was ugly I can totally sympathise but it was my dad who did this to me. I was told I was ugly and fat from bout age 10. Put it this way my mum had me on ww at 10 when I was about 8 stone!
    My dad was emotionally and physically abusive which set me into a spiral of relationships where I got treated like dirt! It was my last relationship before my husband that led me to my hubs. Basically he had tried to strangle me and wanted to stab me with scissors but I rran and he pushed me down the stairs. I finished with him there and then and he came begging and in the end stalked me.
    My now husband is a police officer and a friend of mine put me in contact with him as he was turning up at my work place crying, somehow knowing where I would be and when I would be at my friends houses and was scaring their kids.
    My husband gave him a warning and I heard from him again 6 months later trying to add me on facebook and again my husband who was then my boyfriend by that time :) warned him again and never heard from him since.
    We have been together 5 years and married 18 months :) with a beautiful 13 month old. :)

    So moral is...... Stand up to her! It may shock her and she may act weird but by god you will feel good about it! Xx
     
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