Moving On

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by chris_s, 17 October 2010 Social URL.

  1. chris_s

    chris_s Less of a man each day

    Posts:
    484
    Likes Received:
    9
    Start Weight:
    16st9.5lb
    Current Weight:
    14st4.5lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st8lb
    Lost(%):
    2st5lb(14.13%)
    Diet:
    sw
    Just a bit of a vent i'm afraid as well as asking the question, 'how do you move on?'

    Just spent a lovely day with my kids, they live with their mum, and it started to get very emotional. It felt right to be there at long last. I felt bad that it's taken me 6 years to notice I have a wonderful loving and kind son. I had to go cause if i'd stayed i'd have started to get all bitter and resentful. I still love their mum dearly and just cannot let go at the moment. I still hope we can do all we wanted to, get married, have that honeymoon in Barbados and just enjoy the simple things in life again.
    It's not going to happen, she doesn't want me in her life in that way and is happier without me.
    I've done many wrong things and made many mistakes.
    We got off on the wrong start together, her escaping a dead relationship and me jumping all to eagerly into my first and only relationship. There was friction and I was inexperienced, kniave and very childish.
    I was very jelous, her male friends etc.
    She felt she couldn't be herself and I did something I cannot forgive myself for. I'd never had anyone express an interest in me, let alone had a girlfriend. Early in our relationship I was nearly unfaithful. Well in a sense I was. Someone else expressed an interest in me and I fooled around with them. Didn't do 'the dead' but still cheated I guess. I've regretted it ever since and will always feel bad, can't expect the ex to forgive me as I can't forgive myself.
    We had our son 6 years ago and I never really bonded with him. I nearly lost both of them on the operating table and when they brought my son out I didn't care, I was more concerned about my ex. I guess we grew apart from that point instead of together. I was always hard on my son and resentful. I didn't know how to handle him or my emotions. I thought he had taken his mother away from me. Pretty messed up I know. It caused a rift between us.
    We had debt which put financial strain on us. I brought debt into our relationship and she had a little from her previous relationship. I accumulated more debt in the day to day humdrum of paying the bills etc and tried to hide it from her. I didn't want to worry her but see it was a stupid thing to do.

    Over the 8 years there have been other incidents and lies, by trying to hide things I caused more pain than if I was upfront. I joined the Police Force which finally produced a decent wage. I also developed cancer. I put my priority into my worked and exhausted myself in it. I was always tired at home and didn't have time for the kids. I lost my way and who I was. I under performed and burnt myself up. Chemo completed I struggled on with my job. Alas it wasn't to be. I started gambling online. Not good, she found out about it and I managed to stop.
    I split up with my ex around a year ago and moved out. I signed the house over to her and tried to be amicable. We got back together sort of for christmas and then split up again. I was too messed up mentally to complete my probationary period and lost my job. I was accepted for a decent job but I then discovered I'd relapsed. Originally it was going to be held open for me, but they changed their minds.
    I had huge debt, no job, cancer relapse and felt pretty worthless. We got together again, perhaps part of it was sympathy, I fought off cancer a second time. We split up shortly afterwards.
    I had some money come to me as a little payout for getting cancer. I'm debt free now, I took all the debt with me.
    Sitting here now I'm nearly 30, pick up a nice car tmmrw, have two wonderful kids I cannot live with, live in a shared house which is unsuitable for the kids to stay at and my sickness benefit runs out this month and drops to jobseekers levels while I continue to look for work, many job applications have gone out so far this month with no replies.
    I'm in a rut. I'm hoping the council will house me but who knows.
    I have very few friends, I left everything to move 200miles and be with my ex.
    I don't care about stuff anymore, i've been selfish and self absorbed.
    I wish things were different, I still adore my ex and live in hope. However i've more chance of winning the lottery!
    I don't know how to function. My entire life is seeing my kids when I can, slimming world, swimming, the gym, feeling i've failed and feeling sorry for myself.
    That got me into this mess but it's hard to get out of that mindset. I feel wronged, abandoned, let down and un loved.

    Any ideas how I get some friends and build a life again, doing it right and keeping my kids a part of it?
     
  2. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Matched Content

  3. kissme

    kissme Gold Member

    Posts:
    1,908
    Likes Received:
    34

    Hey chris, I know this may sound silly but stay positive, With regards to the job applications, maybe your C.v or application style isn't what they are looking for, the jobcentre will help with c.v and job applications whne you get on job seekers.


    Friends aren't the be all and end all, sometimes they can add confusion into the mix. Have you spoken to your G.P about the way you feel? maybe some counselling of medication may change your perspective.

    This may sound harsh but I'm going to say it anyway....... its obvious you and your ex are different people and from what you have said it looks like it doesnt work. Do you really want your kids to see a relationship that doesn't work?

    Enjoy your kids in the small amount of time you get together, make the most of it! your so lucky to have 2 gorgeous (im sure) children.

    I would suggest write a list of your good points! no bad ones and have a look and see if you really are everything you say you are.

    Its hard for me to tallk about all these aspects in one big go.

    If you need some support I can help you with that!

    If you wanna talk about things one at a time I'm more than happy to chat and help!

    Send me a PM and I'll see if I can help!

    I hope you feel better sweetheart!

    (((((((((((huge hugs)))))))))
     
  4. lindsay88

    lindsay88 Silver Member

    Posts:
    709
    Likes Received:
    17
    Start Weight:
    10st4lb
    Current Weight:
    10st3lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st5lb
    Lost(%):
    0st1lb(0.69%)
    Diet:
    WW Discover plan
    thats very good advice from kiss me, I don't really know what to add except there is a great support network on here :) everything will fall into place :) offering you a big hug xxxxx
     
  5. lurverick

    lurverick Now to maintain.....

    Posts:
    2,059
    Likes Received:
    39
    Start Weight:
    12st13.5lb
    Current Weight:
    8st12.5lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st3lb
    Lost(%):
    4st1lb(31.4%)
    Badges:
    Maintainer
    Diet:
    slimming world.
    a huge well done for writing this post.its very honest and very truthful and i bet you do actually feel better for writing it down.

    you may not live with the kids....BUT....they are your children,they always will be yours-no one can ever take that away from you.they love their daddy,they know who is their daddy and they always will.

    as for getting over it....you say its your first relationship so a piece of you will always love her,you never forget your first love.
    you are though being too hard on yourself expecting yourself to 'forget' and 'get over it' so quickly.....if its not what you wanted then you are grieving for that relationship and it will take time to get over.slowly.you'll gradually find things working out for you...think about her less,about what if less etc.and one day-although its hard to believe now-you'll be happy.probably even happier as it sounds from this that you can see where things werent perfect.
    that perfect will be out there somewhere for you and you'll find it one day.

    you do have friends...focus on that,make plans to see people.
    do you have friends you havent seen in a while?? maybe from your old job?? contact them and make plans too.
    maybe try a different sw group to the one you joined with your ex?? therefore giving yourself a new start and opportunity to walk in and make new friends??
    i hope you manage to find a job soon...im sure that will help you a lot,and it'll be another opportunity to make friends too.
     
  6. hastalavegan

    hastalavegan Silver Member

    Posts:
    926
    Likes Received:
    28
    Start Weight:
    16st8.0lb
    Current Weight:
    14st4lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    2st4lb(13.79%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Firstly, hugs for you ((chris))

    it's easy to look back on the past, regret things you may have said or done, but what is important now is the present. You can't change the past unfortunately but you can make changes for the future and it sounds like you've made a lot if positive changes recently.

    Moving on from a relationship can take a hell of a long time. Instead of thinking 'i should have moved on by now' I find it's better to just continue with everything, focus on the people close to you and yourself and just wait until your feelings change. You probably won't even realise when it's happened, but one day you won't dwell on things anymore. It's taken me years to get over my ex, and I still find myself affected by him when I hear news of him. But, I've learnt that it was an unhealthy relationship and I deserved better, I don't miss him anymore.

    I'm not a great person for making friends. There are few I'm close to but they are fantastic friends, closer to me than family are. I've met most of my closest friends online on forums like this one. I know that there are already lots of people here that care about you, so you're well on the way to making friends!

    On the job front, try not let it drag you down. Being on jsa myself I know how demotivating it can be. But you will get through it and find work, it might just take time.

    You've got wonderful kids who love you to bits to keep you going through the hard times!

    I hope this helps, you're welcome to pm me anytime
     
  7. Littleslimmingbee

    Littleslimmingbee Gold Member

    Posts:
    6,269
    Likes Received:
    205
    Start Weight:
    14st13lb
    Current Weight:
    14st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    SW
    Hon, you sound so much like my mums ex husband. . aswell as how you are still feeling towards the relationship now.

    I think you ought to spend some of that money you recieved on some councilling, privatly. You said previously you were waiting on some but no news yet. Maybe you ought to take that step. I think its what you need.

    My mums ex had some for over a year, and whilst he could never change (aside from the emotional problems he had like what your expierancing, he has far deeper issues also) he did learn to control them the majority of the time.. unfortunatly he did the councilling for my mum, so he never genuinly wanted to change and therefor he could only control his emotions some of the time. However, if you genuinly want to move on. I think you should do it for you, it could be what you need.

    Im glad to hear your finally seeing what a beautiful person your son is. Your still his dad and hes always going to need you. hes only 6 now, you have time to make up for the mistakes in the past.

    Good luck to you, i really do wish you all the best. xx
     
  8. chris_s

    chris_s Less of a man each day

    Posts:
    484
    Likes Received:
    9
    Start Weight:
    16st9.5lb
    Current Weight:
    14st4.5lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st8lb
    Lost(%):
    2st5lb(14.13%)
    Diet:
    sw
    Thanks for kind words. Am getting help and it seems to be working so far, fingers crossed. I don't want to move on but I can't get back what I had. I had everything and blew it as didn't realise it. I will go to same sw group as get on with people there and it fits in. I still care about ex and want to keep friendship if nothing else.

    I've been through some life changing events and want to better myself. I used to be social and fun, just don't know what happened. I'm getting better for me and my kids and not to try and get back with ex. I'm in the right place to do so now. Just a pity she can't see it.
     
  9. Littleslimmingbee

    Littleslimmingbee Gold Member

    Posts:
    6,269
    Likes Received:
    205
    Start Weight:
    14st13lb
    Current Weight:
    14st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    SW

    Im glad to hear your getting some help and your in the right place now to really listen and benifit from it...

    It doesnt matter if SHE can see it. It matters that everyone else around you, and your son can see it. They are your future after all. x
     
  10. hastalavegan

    hastalavegan Silver Member

    Posts:
    926
    Likes Received:
    28
    Start Weight:
    16st8.0lb
    Current Weight:
    14st4lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    2st4lb(13.79%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World

    Great to see you're getting help. Therapy has done a lot for me, even if I used it to whine about all the small stuff that was making life harder! :D

    Your ex can't see it but there are plenty of other people who will get to see the new positive you. The most important thing is that you're doing it for yourself and that your kids are going to be around to see the change
     
  11. chris_s

    chris_s Less of a man each day

    Posts:
    484
    Likes Received:
    9
    Start Weight:
    16st9.5lb
    Current Weight:
    14st4.5lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st8lb
    Lost(%):
    2st5lb(14.13%)
    Diet:
    sw
    I just don't think i'm ready to move on, but in some ways i'll never be. I miss my ex madly. She was my friend, my lover and my soul mate. How do I get over that?
    Not looking forward to Christmas this year that's for sure. Prob be able to spend a few hours christmas morning with my kids then back to my room for the day!
    I'm kidding myself into thinking I can make amends and make her happy again, I did once. How do I stop my compulsive obsessiveness over her?
    I miss so many things about her and what we had. I want it back. Want to live with my kids gain and make up for the past 6 years. I don't want to be a part time dad. I'd do anything for her except the one thing she wants, to let go. I just can't. Is it wrong?
    We did have some good times, I lost my way. The most I can do at the moment is give her space to be single and free. I just can't give up all hope. Is that wrong of me. Should I be looking for companionship elsewhere?

    I'm not a bad person, yet feel it.
     
  12. Littleslimmingbee

    Littleslimmingbee Gold Member

    Posts:
    6,269
    Likes Received:
    205
    Start Weight:
    14st13lb
    Current Weight:
    14st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    SW
    No matter how hard it is, you have to let go.. because otherwise it will just make life an every day effort for you and you dont want to live like that.

    Someone else is out there for you, and although you cant let go emotionally right now, you have to work hard at it, and eventually it wont seem so bad.. its just all magnified for you right now. Although she will always be your first love, it doesnt mean you can never be happy again, or feel that way about someone else. Just because you love someone, doesnt mean its right for you.

    In the past, i was involved in a relationship which untill now, i couldnt see it was so wrong for me. I really loved him, and no matter how many times i got hurt or it seemed so difficult, i couldnt let go. I was so determined to make it work. I wanted to prove to everyone it could work. Then i found out he had a long term girlfriend and a baby on the way. I was devestated, he had a whole other life i never knew about, but even after.. no matter how much it hurt i just wanted to be with him. I felt like nothing could make it better.. and occasionly, when i hear news of him, i cant help but wonder how life would have been had things been different. But then i met Joe.. and life completly changed, i changed.. and this time around. Its right. Right for me, right for us. Its a different kind of love, because its not difficult, and it doesnt hurt.. and its learning to be with someone else all over again.

    I was very young at the time, in age.. but i was always older in mind my mind and having seen my mother go through 3 failed marriages i wasnt really aware of the complications of being with someone. What it truely meant to give your self completly to someone, and how to deal with it when you have to accept its over.

    It is tough, but you can do it. Try not to dwell on the little things you expect to be sad times for you, like xmas. Just think about how nice it'd be too see you son xmas morning, and plan somthing else to do that afternoon. Dont resign yourself to being alone. x
     
  13. hastalavegan

    hastalavegan Silver Member

    Posts:
    926
    Likes Received:
    28
    Start Weight:
    16st8.0lb
    Current Weight:
    14st4lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    2st4lb(13.79%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    I can't imagine you would be ready to move on at the moment, especially when your feelings are still so raw at this stage. It's not wrong to miss your ex, or to think that there will never be someone else for you. Trust me though, there will be in the future...but only if you allow yourself to move on. Of course you don't have to start right away, and I wouldn't recommend it. Given how you feel at the moment I think you would just end up hurting more than you are now if you were to look for someone else.

    I understand how you're feeling at the moment. For a year or so after my ex I was still telling my friends that I'd lost hope of ever finding someone to love as much as I loved him. He was my first for everything, my first partner, the first person I'd ever slept with, the first person I allowed to get close to me. For so long I wondered how I'd ever find someone who was so perfect for me, and especially given how it ended, someone I could trust again. But, years down the line I've started to see things a little more clearly. We weren't a good match, yes there were some great times, but there were bad times I'd forgotten about. I had been so desperate to be with this man I had clung on to all the happy memories. Now that there has been time for me to reflect on the relationship I can see myself being with someone else now. Still haven't found them but I feel ready to start looking!

    Honestly, at some point you do need to move on. I know a few people who have been unable to let go of their ex partners, and I think knowing these people has pushed me to deal with my own feelings regarding my ex. One person I know rarely ever leaves his flat, avoids using certain buses because they go through the place they used to live together, and doesn't allow himself to live like he should be. He's told me himself that deep down he knows it was what they had that he misses, not his ex. But he will not push himself to find someone else who can give him that. Another person I know has become so bitter that it's hard to even communicate with him. I didn't want to be like this and I'm sure you don't want to be either. It's not healthy for you and your kids will see it too.

    I think this point in time is a hard place for you to see this. I know I brushed off similar advice, telling myself people 'just didn't understand, he was the love of my life' etc. But, try to remember this advice in the future, when things aren't so painful.

    Hope this helps..
     
  14. clairex

    clairex Silver Member

    Posts:
    1,006
    Likes Received:
    21
    The only thing that is going to help you move on is time. Its such a cliche and it doesn't help at all how you are feeling right now - but you can't just 'get over someone' and just 'move on'. Youve done the hardest part - you admitted it isn't going to happen. You said it a few times, you know you are living in false hope. You know you are different people and she doesn't want you back. That's the main thing, dont worry about moving on yet. It'll all come in time hun, i promise. I know it doesnt feel like that yet though.

    What happened to doing some volunteering at the hospital? Even just getting out the house and talking to people helps - plus its something that looks amazing on your CV!

    What about looking for a playgroup that you can take the kiddies to? You get to talk to other parents (mostly mums, some single, bonus ;) ) and you get to have a really fun playtime with the kiddies.

    I think the main thing you need to do chris is forgive yourself. Everyone has made mistakes in their life, you are now trying to make it right and feel remorse. Stop beating yourself up. I want to give you a hug!! If you ever feel like a vent, im always about:)

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  15. Tinytootz

    Tinytootz Mini crazy cat lady

    Posts:
    1,882
    Likes Received:
    12
    Start Weight:
    12st5lb
    Current Weight:
    12st5lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    Weight Watchers
    :( I feel for you. Just out of a 7+ year relationship myself, and trying to piece together some form of life for myself. Being with him, i lost me. We became a unit, rather than individuals. I have very few friends, so one of the first things i did was try and reconnect with people i knew. Some have taken me to heart, others aren't bothered about me anymore.
    Then i decided to take control of my appearance, hence me being here! The next step is to try and somehow move on. I've no idea how to go about this yet, but apparently it gets easier with time!
    Focus on your children and your health. Everything else can be sorted out in time. I also was in troubles, and the citizens advice bureau were great. Unbiased, sound advice.
    We've all made mistakes, and done things which we're ashamed of. But it's how you bounce back that people will remember you for. Take each day as it comes, and always try and see the good. I find saying positive things to myself helps. Yes, the neighbours think im barking, but it does help.

    As a good friend of mine always says...chin up xx
     
  16. chris_s

    chris_s Less of a man each day

    Posts:
    484
    Likes Received:
    9
    Start Weight:
    16st9.5lb
    Current Weight:
    14st4.5lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st8lb
    Lost(%):
    2st5lb(14.13%)
    Diet:
    sw
    The great thing about not being able to sleep is it gives you time to think. It's over and I have to accept that. Time will hopefully help.
    I just hope we can stay mates and keep it amicable.
    Writing it all down does help make sense of it all.
     
  17. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

    Posts:
    8,316
    Likes Received:
    161
    Start Weight:
    107kg
    Current Weight:
    85kg
    Goal Weight:
    79kg
    Lost(%):
    22kg(20.56%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Chris, sorry not to have been here but weekends are difficult for me as I am working.

    I have read your original entry very carefully and all the subsequent excellent replies to you.

    At under 30 year old you have been through more than the majority of people do in a live time.

    Under all the circumstances I think you have done remarkably well to have got as far as you have.

    Put yourself in your ex's place if you can. You must see how hard it has been for her to delete you from her life given all the sad circumstances. At least it looks like she is allowing you plenty of access to your children. She must be an o.k. person or you would not still want her back in your life.

    Words are so easy, actions come hard. It really does seem like time to start another chapter and be very happy that your kids can be a part of your new life.

    You obviously have great strength of character. You have come through your cancer and the ensuing treatment ( I know how hard that is ), you have overcome your debt, you are looking for another job. Most importantly you are able to discuss what you see as the problems in your life and do something about them.

    My sister *met* her partner of 10 years now on the Internet through a friendship site. They have enjoyed a wonderful, loving and interesting relationship.

    I think the first thing you have to do, and you know it, is, draw a line under your ex and everything apart from your children, look forward, forge new friendships.

    Of course you know that that is why you have been able to ask for advice and help.

    Chris, if you were my son, I would give you a big hug, tell you I love you and what a super and worthwhile person you are.

    hugs xxxxx
     
  18. Claireybella

    Claireybella Gold Member

    Posts:
    2,922
    Likes Received:
    30
    Start Weight:
    16st2lb
    Current Weight:
    15st11.5lb
    Goal Weight:
    13st7lb
    Lost(%):
    0st4.5lb(1.99%)
    Diet:
    SW
    You know what, I read your original post, and what comes across to me is a positive person, who knows what they want, just not quite sure how to get it. I'm not gonna be able to tell you how and when and where to acheive these things, because I don't know the answers. If the only things you can focus on are your kids, SW and swimming, then so be it. They are good things to focus on, in my mind.

    My mum and dad divorced when I was 9, and as much as I wanted them to stay together, looking back, it was better for all of us for them to split. They now have a fantastic relationship, friends again, and I have a fantastic relationship with them. Maybe just being friends with your ex is all you can do now, and that, in the long run, will be the best thing for your kids too.

    Don't look at Christmas as being a sad time. Do you not have anyone else to spend it with? Could you not go and help at a homeless shelter perhaps? You won't be in, by yourself, thinking things bigger than they are. I have a friend who has done it for the last 4 years running and she loves it! You can still see your kids at some point that day.

    Keep your chin up though. I think it was amazingly brave for you to tell us everything and that's usually the hardest step off all! (((hugs)))
     
  19. mumtheshopper

    mumtheshopper Silver Member

    Posts:
    1,308
    Likes Received:
    29
    Start Weight:
    12st6lb
    Current Weight:
    12st4lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st7lb
    Lost(%):
    0st2lb(1.15%)
    Diet:
    WW
    Have you tried singlewithkids. They ahve a fantastic forum. It has helped me. Just a thought.
     
  20. Leapfrog

    Leapfrog Champion actifryer

    Posts:
    1,856
    Likes Received:
    47
    Start Weight:
    84kg
    Current Weight:
    71.5kg
    Goal Weight:
    65kg
    Lost(%):
    12.5kg(14.9%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Nothing to add to the above but my support. Things will get better, just hang on in there. Hugs
     
  21. chris_s

    chris_s Less of a man each day

    Posts:
    484
    Likes Received:
    9
    Start Weight:
    16st9.5lb
    Current Weight:
    14st4.5lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st8lb
    Lost(%):
    2st5lb(14.13%)
    Diet:
    sw
    Well on the way now.

    Had nice lunch out, took ring back to shop(accepted with no problems), picked up new car and sat with kids while ex went to zumba. Was nice to put them to bed and give them a kiss goodnight :).

    Obviously miss the company and being with my kids, but not really the ex anymore. I think it's plain we both stopped being who we were and what attracted us to each other. I'm back to being social, easy going and worry free (almost!) without her. Got a few things planned over the coming months to ease the tedium and look forward to.
    Feeling positive for the first time in ages, roll on job and place of my own. I will always have a special place for her and will always treat her as a good friend. Anything more just doesn't feel right now.
     
Popular Forums
  1. MiniMins.com is a weight loss support community helping each other on their weight loss journey. We have a multitude of forums, from Slimming World and Exante, to Success Stories. Click the logo at the top right to return to the forum home page at any time.
Loading...