'Mum! I'm becoming a loser... yey!'

Discussion in 'Weight Loss Diaries' started by Pinkemi, 25 July 2011 Social URL.

  1. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    I thought it was best to keep a diary to try and keep me motived, because quite frankly I am feeling pretty down and UN-motivated at the moment. :(

    It just seems that no matter how HARD I try, the weight just does not want to shift. I seem to be yo-yoing so much it is unbelievable!

    Quite honestly I am at the end of my tehter yet because I know I can't stay like this I keep going. *Sigh*

    Anyway... Here is my food intake so far.

    Breakfast- One Biggest loser breafast bar. (about 200calories.)
    A large coffee with a tiny dash of skimmed milk.

    Lunch: Biggest loser chocolate shake (again about 200calories.)

    Drinks:
    3ltrs of very very weak juice. (almost like flavoured water.)
    1 mug of lemon tea
    1 small hot chocolate (because I needed that sugar fix for work...bbbooorrriiinnggg!)


    I aim to go to the gym tonight and do 40mins work out.

    As an add on note... I have booked myself for a free consultation with the local hypnotherapist. I don't know how much I really believe in it, but I really have got to the point where I just don't know what to do next. Will be keeping my fingers crossed. :confused:
     
    Last edited: 25 July 2011
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  3. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    Well I got home and my partner had cooked a lovely roast chicken with mash potato. (He purposly put no milk in the mash to make it a bit more healthy.) :D

    So I had a smallish portion of that.

    My breakfast today is a small bowl of porridge with a few raisins.

    Drinks: One small coffee with a dash of milk.
     
  4. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    1st7.8lb(9.48%)
    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    Argh... okay so today is going okay but not the best.

    For lunch I had a baked potatoe with a tiny bit of butter in it (for flavour) with cajun chicken as a topping. I also had a side salad with sweetcorn.

    Now for the bad bit.... Ive had a bottle of Dr Pepper in my draw now for a day which I bought before I got 'serious.' So... I drank it to stop the temptation being there anymore.

    It is also someone's birthday today so there are cakes EVERYWHERE! Literally ever way I turn there are damn cakes infront of me. :cry:

    My will power broke at lunch and I had a tiny slice. I'm not beating myself up too much about it though seeing as I know it was a tiny slice! Normally I would have gobbled at least two Normal sized slices.

    Now I just have to hold out until the end of the day. :sigh:

    Drinks:
    1lt of very weak squash
    Mug of lemon tea


    I have my appointment with the hypno-therapy woman later... my free consultation to see if it is right for me. I am very nervous about it as I am sure she will make me talk about the reasons why I eat... and I hate owning up to it. :eek: Ah well.. onwards and Upwards! No wait... that should be onwards and downwards... dont want my weight going up. lol :p
     
  5. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
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    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st7.8lb(9.48%)
    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    You know I actually scoffed to myself when I thought that writing a diary on here would actually help me... but I think it could be true.

    I ate another cake. :cry:

    I now feel so ashasmed with myself because I have to own up to it... own up to all you guys that I scoffed my face with ANOTHER peice of cake.

    Owning up to the fact that I ate another cake is making me feel so guilty, I now don't want to eat any more cake today!

    :sigh:
     
  6. mspiggy

    mspiggy Full Member

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    Diet:
    the stop stuffing your face with rubbish diet
    Hi Pinkemi:)
    Hope you managed to stay away from that 3rd piece of cake and hope the hypnotist appointment goes well, good luck:)
     
  7. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
    14st12.2lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st7.8lb(9.48%)
    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    Thank you so much misspiggy. I did indeed stay away from the third piece of cake. I went and had a coffee to try and get rid of my craving for something... Which actually worked. I think the fact that I was seriously bored at work didn't help! My will power seems to vanish and I eat whatever I can. :-/

    My consultation with the hypnotherapist.... Well......

    I'm not going to lie. It was incredibly emotional and I cried quite a few times. I opened up a lot about how I was feeling inside and what I want to achieve... About how my weight makes me feel worthless and that no matter how hard I try, I just feel like giving up all the time.. Basically making myself accept that I will always be fat and unhappy. I admitted that I feel that I can't go and see old friends who I haven't seen for a few years, as I know that they will be judging me and how ashamed and unhappy that makes me feel.

    She believes that hypnotherapy isn't the best start for me. Due to the fact that I am very cynical about things, she said that I would benefit a lot more from something called "changing limiting beliefs." this way we can talk about past problems and how I may be still bottling these all up inside, which is why I find it hard to really stick to anything. This she believes would make me start to feel better about myself, and would thus get me out of this horrible cycle of under-achievement. I would truly begin to learn what sort of person I am and help build on the positive aspects of my personality. Of course it would also mean admitting the bad side of my personality and truly letting go of things. This I have to admit I find hard to do because at the moment I cling to what ever bit of control I feel that I have while I feel so out of control with my life... If that makes any sense at all. But the general concept is that the better I begin to feel about myself, the easier things will become. I may find that it is a lot easier to keep to a healthy eating plan, and not stress out so much when it isn't going all to plan. Like I know that it is acceptable to go off the rails sometimes because we are only human... I just have to believe in that fact!

    Whilst this sounds all nice and good... It is a lot of money. :-/ the whole 6 week course is going to cost me roughly £550...

    There is the part of me which things it would be a good idea... After all... All that I have to loose is a bit of money and possibly lbs when it works! And the gains really outweigh the cons.. Such as I will hopefully loose weight from it, will feel happier about myself as a person (more accepting of who I am) and will have MUCH better self esteem.

    I am definitely going to have to sleep on it I think... And see what is best.
     
  8. mspiggy

    mspiggy Full Member

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    Diet:
    the stop stuffing your face with rubbish diet
    Hi Pinkemi,
    im glad you kept the appointment and you seem to have a lot to think about but could i just urge you to check your therapist is qualified, many aren't and you cant be sure you will be getting your moneys worth, sounds like she is suggesting cognitive behavioural therapy which some gps can refer you to free of charge and you will probably get as many sessions as you need and not be stuck to a set amount. I really dont want to sound all negative and the therapist you saw today is probably highly qualified and very good at what she does and cbt helps a lot of people, you will also get a lot of support right here and many of us have issues other than our weight so you are not alone.
    Good luck with whatever you decide, how you feeling tonight?
     
  9. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
    14st12.2lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st7.8lb(9.48%)
    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    Well I made sure that I looked into it as much as possible before I went to see her. She seems to be pretty genuine and had quite a few qualifications on the wall. But I know what you are saying... Being the cynical person that I am, I have to thoroughly read up on something before I go ahead with it.

    Tonight I am now feeling a little unsure... I want to believe that what Kate is offering me will actually work... And the fact that I get to pay week by week is a good thing as I'm then not tied down to anything.

    I dunno... Opening up to all those things have left me feeling very vulnerable. :-/ I will have to sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning.

    I tend to try and take each day as it comes. Lol but thank you for your comments. I will look into seeing if my GP would offer something similar. Saying that though, there is probably a long waiting list for them and I am almost at breaking point at the moment. :-/

    This board certainly helps though... There is something quite satisfying in being able to express your views/worries/fears etc without worrying what people will think of you. :)
     
  10. boggins

    boggins Silver Member

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    7st4lb(34.81%)
    Diet:
    Low carb high fat om nom nom
    Pinkemi, £550 is a LOT of money.

    Please don't freak out when I suggest this- I'm not trying to say you're crazy or anything, but it's a possible solution for you. I was very depressed for a few years, and contacted Mind, the mental health charity. They offered free therapy sessions with qualified therapists. You get 12 sessions of 1 hour.

    It's called CBT- cognitive behavioural therapy- and is about looking at how your ways of thinking might be holding you back.

    There was a long waiting list, but I waited and did the course. It might be worth you finding out the contact details of your local Mind and seeing if they offer something similar. Once you've done the 12 sessions, there's nothing stopping you getting back in the waiting list again. So far, I don't feel like I need to!

    You may also be able to access 6 sessions of CBT through your GP- worth a try, for free, eh?
     
  11. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
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    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st7.8lb(9.48%)
    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    Well I'm not going to lie... I feel shattered and pretty rubbish. :( I just couldnt get to sleep! Was tossing and turning way past 1am only to wake up at blasted 6am and not able to get back to sleep. :cry:

    Boggins... I wouldn't freak out in any way. Honestly I appreciate any help that I can get at the moment... and I agree with you. Whilst reflecting on the matter last night and this morning, I just don't know if I can really afford to dish out £550!

    I spoke to my boyfriend about it all last night and he too was skeptical. He is one of these people who doesn't suffer from low self esteem etc so can't understand why I feel the way I do. His answer (perhaps rightly) is why talk about all your feelings? Why don't you just take control of them and move on.

    I'm not going to lie... I felt awful last night. Really miserable and vulnerable. I guess I've woken up this morning and locked all the feelings behind my wall again. :sigh:

    But anyways... thank you Boggins and Mspiggy. I am going to look to see if my GP will offer something like that. I guess getting something for free first is better than dishing loads of money out for something that might not work.

    But anyways... onto what I have eaten so far...

    One small bowl of porridge and raisns with a small coffee and a dash of milk. :)
     
  12. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
    14st12.2lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st7.8lb(9.48%)
    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    As I am writting this I am tucking into my jacket potatoe with cajun chicken topping, with my side salad and sweetcorn.

    I have noticed that with my meals, I seem to be leaving a little still on my plate. It started last night as I ate my dinner after speaking about everything. This is probably a coinsendence that I have noticed that I have started doing this, but actually I think its great. Maybe I'm finally subconsiously looking at the amount I eat!

    Although saying that I haven't been really strict today... I'm really grazing. Ive eaten a bit of dried fruit and a handful of peanuts. But then... I don't feel guilty about it because it is healthy. :S man... i think i have a warped view on things.

    But anways I have also drunk 1lt of very weak squash... so all in all not a bad day I'm thinking. At least I haven't gone reaching for the cake... Which, I might add, is STILL HERE! I can see it from where I am sitting... a big chocolate cake. *drools*

    But no... I don't need it!!!!!
     
  13. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
    14st12.2lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st7.8lb(9.48%)
    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    OMG!!! My boyfriend has joined my gym! He has been talking about doing it for a while because he wants to tone up, but he said that after seeing me unhappy yesterday, he wanted to do it for me as well as for himself. So he signed up without me knowing and told me when I got home.

    My initial reaction.... Oh £&@%#¥!!! means I have to step up a gear now. Lol I think my competitive nature just kicked in.

    Anyways I'm off to see some friends at the pub (driving so one diet coke for me!)
     
  14. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    Start Weight:
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    14st12.2lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st7.8lb(9.48%)
    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    arghhhhhh! There is blasted cake everywhere... everywhere!!!!! *bangs head against wall* I'm getting so fed up of testing my will power (and miserably failing) every single day!!:mad: :mad:

    *takes a deep breath* Anyway... Because I have succemd to cake again :sigh: I am going to the gym tonight and working extra hard to burn the calories I have eaten. It is my BF induction tonight so having him there will spur me on to work harder... because my competitive nature will kick in. lol

    One of my friends last night ordered a dessert while we sat there chatting and my mouth watered... BUT I was very good and resisited eating it. I managed to reason with myself that I had only just had dinner and that really I'm not hungry. Wish I could have done the same today. (blasted cake... I'm going to evaporate you with my mind rays!!! :mad:)

    But anyway... even though I seem to have fallen off the rails a little this week.. generally I am feeling pretty positive. :) Got my weekend planned so really its all good...
     
  15. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    12st0lb
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    1st7.8lb(9.48%)
    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    Woops.. I kinda neglected not only my diary but also my diet over the weekend. We went to a dog show on Sat and then I went out to lunch on Sunday with some old friends. I wouldn't say that I ate loads! I just ate the wrong things. *sigh*

    But I still managed to loose 2lbs last week! :D I am seeing numbers on the scales that I haven't seen for years. So all in all I am pretty happy.

    Food wise I had a small fry up for breakfast (with Fry light oil) and am tucking into a Jacket potatoe with my cajun chicken and a side salad.

    Later I should be going to the gym depending on what time a meeting that I have to go to finishes... as I have another meeting to attend to later tonight. (Im a busy woman today! haha) God knows when I will fit dinner in tonight. :/
     
  16. Ela ine

    Ela ine Likes to post, and eat.

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    You can do it Hun!!!! :bunnydance:

    Lots of luck xx
     
  17. tras

    tras Full Member

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    Well done,Pinkemi,not just for Diet but for trying to figure out why you feel the way you do. Fingers crossed seeing those numbers on the scale will remind you that you do deserve to be thin! Xxx
     
  18. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    Lost(%):
    1st7.8lb(9.48%)
    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    Awh thanks guys for the words of encouragment. They really do help. :D

    Well I actually surprised myself last night. I had a REALLY hectic evening planned.

    Basically I am the Secretary for the local Young Farmers group and we have a committee meeting once every month. I also had an interview with a recruitment agency before hand so was unsure on timinings etc for the evening.

    Normally with such a hectic evening planned I would have said screw you to the gym and gone home to have dinner before setting off once again.

    Yesterday I actually PLANNED the gym into my evening. :) Sadly I could only do about 25 minutes but its the fact that I actually made it a priority. I NEVER DO THAT!

    Now I can't say that I overly enjoyed it at the time, but the fact that I actually went left me feeling refreshed. I went to the meeting and grabbed something small to eat for dinner on the way. :)

    Now I just have to make sure that I keep this mind set going... and maybe eventually I will see the lbs dropping. :D

    Today has been okay so far. I had a small bowl of porridge with raisins for breakfast and I'm just tucking into my baked potatoe (no butter) with cajun chicken and a side salad. (Need to start varying my menu choice I think. :p)

    Off to the gym later to do 40 mins or so. I have actually upped my levels on the machines so Im really getting a sweat on. haha

    Life is slowly becoming a bit more positive. I didn't go ahead with the treatment that Kate was offering in the end. I decided that actually that sort of money was ridiculous to spend! So I have spent £20 on getting the book that she would have worked with and I am going to do it on my own. Therefore if it doesnt work then I havent wasted all that money.
     
  19. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
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    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st7.8lb(9.48%)
    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    Sorry I have been away for a couple of days. I have to be honest that things went a bit pear shaped and the diet went running away. I was in a temping role and was told on Friday that Monday (yesterday) would be my last day. So now I am jobless again. *sigh*

    I spent the weekend in a caravan with my boyfriend and his younger brother and sister. First time and I have to admit that actually it was pretty good fun. Not sure I could live in such a cramped atmosphere all the time but as a weekend away it was fun. :) I didn't do well on the eating front though. Too many takeaways and sweety things like ice cream and candy floss. We did do a lot more walking then normal though so I tried to counter act what I was eating with the walking... which worked a little bit.

    When I jumped on the scales this morning I was not expecting a loss... but I have still lost 1lb! I was like... no way! :D
     
  20. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    Start Weight:
    16st6lb
    Current Weight:
    14st12.2lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st7.8lb(9.48%)
    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    Well! After abondoing this thread for a while, I thought I should come back and update!

    I haven't managed to drop as much as I wanted in the period of time I have been away, but I am pleased to say I have dropped a bit at least! To much yo-yoing going on though.

    Thought I should update to say that I'm still here! Just being an observer more then a poster. lol
     
  21. Pinkemi

    Pinkemi Full Member

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    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st7.8lb(9.48%)
    Diet:
    slimming World / Calorie Counting/ Low-Carb
    Well! After a very busy Christmas period... I have managed to put on about 6lbs! :( 6lbs of hard work that have magically appeared again on my hips and my stomach. So darn depressing!

    Anyways over the Christmas period I had some WONDERFUL news. Someone very close to me is getting married in June! (Not me... lol) While am I so excited and pleased for her.. I am also dreaading it. I do NOT want to be the fat one like I have been for years in and out. :(

    So... I have till Mid June to loose about 5 stone... which is roughly a stone a month for 6 months. It is going to be hard!

    I know what my problems are... not enough exercise and MUCH to big portions (man size portions.) At a height of 5ft 7, I really should not be eating man portions at all!

    So... the question I have now is how do I achieve this weight loss in the easiest way?

    My instant reaction was a shake diet... I have done it before and I know that if I stick to it fully... then the weight will just drop off. However... They are very hard to do! And sooo expensive... So that kinda rules that one out.

    The other option was Diet Chef... where you get your meals sent to you etc... but I would have to live with the stigma of 'A DIETER' amongst the family etc and I'm not sure I can handle that.

    The other option is to stick to 1,200 calories a day and make SURE I dont go over that. I also have to cut my portions sizes WAY down... so I am almost eating kids sizes.

    It is going to be tough... I know this... but I can't be the fat one again... I just cant!

    :cry:
     
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