My bad mood explained

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by pesty, 11 February 2010 Social URL.

  1. pesty

    pesty Fighting the bulge

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    I think its about time i told someone how im feeling. Keeping it to myself is doing severe damage to my mood and well being. So i'll start from the beginning...

    A week before xmas i had a call from my dad who lives a 2 hour drive away in kent. He told me he'd been diagnosed with throat cancer and an operation was being carried out immediately. Obviously i was devestated to say the least. My grandma currently has skin cancer and my mum recovered from womb cancer a few years ago, cancer is no stranger to me but i know how many people dont recover and the thought of going through with my dad what i am a going through with my mum was too much for me.

    I didnt cry on the phone when he told me, i think it upset him a bit as he explained when he told my sister that she had been in peices. Its not because im cold, but i've always had to be the strong one in the family. When my mum was diagnosed i had to take car of my baby brother so it hardened me a bit especially as when somethings wrong everyone looks to me, if im upset then its really bad - my dad recalled that he hasnt seen me cry since i was 11 years old.

    I grew up in a pub so i suppose i learnt how to put on a show of happiness to the punters even if it wasnt how i was feeling inside.

    Anyway, my dads operation went ahead and after a 12 hour surgery he couldnt talk and had staples from his chin to the bottom of his rib cage. I drove to canterbury hospital the first week id passed my driving test to see him and was tryin to make conversation but just looking at him i could feel my eyes welling up, he wasnt really with it from the medication and couldnt eat on his own and had to be fed through a tube. I left the hospital and just collapsed on my OH, the first time i'd cried so you can imagine all the emotion running out of me was exhausting.

    Since then he has recovered well, we've recieved another call explaining that they have found 3 more lumps, theyve tried to fit a feeding clip but his operation failed. They're going to start his radiation today anyway, and if he becomes incapable of eating they're going to have to fit the tube another way.

    I had the funeral of my aunt last week, who also died due to cancer spreading. She went in for the op to have it removed and they told her she had 3 days to live. It makes things with dad that more scary.

    My uncle had his testicular cancer removed yesterday aswell so as you can imagine i have a very full plate and to be honest i thought i was just letting it go over my head.

    I dont remember the last time i spoke to anyone about how i was feeling and i can feel myself slipping further and further away from my OH, bickering arguments and general feeling im slipping away from myself. I just dont care about anything.

    Last night i went to my OHs and sat on the sofa as usual. Only he put his arm around me and the feeling of comfort was too much, I cried - hard - for about 2 hours straight. It actually felt like such a release, as does writing this now.

    Im sorry this is such a long post and i know there's nothing anyone can say to make it better, but just to know that i've told someone is somehow helping.

    So thanks for listening

    xxxx
     
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  3. mommyB

    mommyB love it

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    Well i am so glad you have managed to get it out. You certainly do have alot to deal with just now and anyone would be feeling the strain.

    Hope that getting things of your chest have helped, you are obviously a very strong person which is great for those around you ,but you need to look out for yourself too
     
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  4. mel112

    mel112 Member

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    Oh honey! you are having a real bad time of it!:( well done on posting though I'm sure it must make you feel a little better to share how your feeling cyber cuddle coming right at ye x x
     
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  5. judimac

    judimac Mad old Bat with Attitude

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    Oh Huney! What a bad time you're having. That good cry was just what you needed to do. It will have relieved some of the stress. It's very difficult to accept that not being able to cope is normal, and that you aren't showing weakness. The trouble is, when you keep yourself together to maintain a strong exterior, sooner or later it catches up with you. Your OH sounds lovely. I will keep you in my thoughts xxx.
     
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  6. Roz V

    Roz V Full Member

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    Well done to you for posting, I think that it was very brave of you, and shows the sort of person you are.

    As you said yourself, there is nothing any of us can say that will make things better, but will keep you and your father in my thoughts, and hope that he responds to treatment.

    If nothing else, posts like yours certainly make the rest of us feel just how lucky we are...

    Very Best Wishes pesty. Do hope that you continue to feel better about everything, now that you've been so open about it.
     
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  7. pesty

    pesty Fighting the bulge

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    Thank you for your kind words, i have to say i feel a bit better already, my headache seems to have worn off aswell.

    It really nice to know that i have people to talk to, it took me since i joined to say anything but i feel quite close to you all now.


    Jess
    xxxx
     
  8. Julianne_julz

    Julianne_julz Bears dont dig on dancin'

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    Ohhhh, *hugs* a good cry is what I have rarely, as I'm like you. I don't show emotion very often and when I do there's no stopping it for a few hours! You have so much to deal with right now but you're still coming on here soldiering on. You must be a very strong lady, and even strong women need to let it all out once in a while. Xx
     
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  9. kissme

    kissme Gold Member

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    Hey chicken! i knew something was up with you but i didnt realise you had so much going on! you can only bottle things up for so long... and i should know.

    I'm here if you need to have a chat. I thought i was having a tough time but its nothing like the time your having.

    TC

    xxxxxxxxx
     
  10. sassie

    sassie Full Member

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    Big hugs Pesty! Sorry to hear you're having a tough time but i'm glad you told us. Will keep you in my thoughts. xx
     
  11. MrsBabyCakes

    MrsBabyCakes Naughty Fridge Picker

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    Thank you so much for sharing your story, I know writing it must have felt like a kind of release but the fact you shared it with us all is really a big deal. We all have different ways of coping with things. I lost my dad, my best friend and my home all within 6 month period of time, about 5 years ago, and kind of tried not to think about it. Put my head down and tried to just get on with things.

    It all has a way of coming out in the end doesn't it though, and like you I ended up breaking down. I have from that time had a few moments of pure stress and I have come to realise that there is no shame in needing emotional support, whatever that form might be, from other's, even if that is in the form of a blog or message like the one that you did, with your friends online.

    I wish you luck in your journey and take care of yourself, remember that whilst your dad and other's around you need you, you need you also, so take time for you :) *BIG HUGS*
     
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  12. suepat10

    suepat10 I am one of the 63336

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    Hugest hugs for you ((((((( ))))))) xxxx
     
  13. pesty

    pesty Fighting the bulge

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    Thanks for the message hun, I no yesterday was a particulary bad day!! Your poo comments were the only thing getting me through making me smile!!

    I wasnt ready yesterday, i spent the day toying with the thread button but couldnt bring myself to do it.

    Everyones support is unreal. I felt like i couldnt turn to any of my family with this, they've all got enough on their plates!

    As i said in my first post me and my OH have been drifting apart for a while - im happy to accept responsability for some of this as ive been quite distant but i cant remember the last time we had a loving kiss (rather than just a peck hi and bye) or a cuddle when you can really feel how much your loved or a sweet text or just saying how much i mean to him. So i dont really want to talk to him about it - and still havent but his loving cuddle on the sofa last night just took me over a bit!!

    xxxx
     
  14. julie19

    julie19 Silver Member

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    Bloody hell Pesty how are you even managing to write all this down? I think by now I would have crawled into bed & given up, your courage is amazing and the fact that you are just getting on with it must give the rest of your family so much strength!

    Just remember we are always here so you can write it all down and have a good cry whenever you feel the urge.
     
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  15. *EB*

    *EB* Gold Member

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    Hey Pesty - catch ......*cyber hug*

    You have so much on your plate, i dont know how you are even doing SW as well....i think you are a proper star!

    Sounds like letting it out helped you, and if you ever need to get anything off your chest come on here, or PM me!

    xxxx lots of love xxxx
     
  16. pesty

    pesty Fighting the bulge

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    Thanks babe, its really nice to see familiar faces responding that i talk to everyday and seeing that everyone on her cares about everyone else so much. Ive never been part of an online thing before this, i dont have facebook or anything like that.

    Staying on SW gives me something positive to focus on, so i no if ive been good, when i weigh in i'll have a little smile to myself that i can control something in my life atm and im blessed to have you all helping me along the way

    xxxx
     
  17. *EB*

    *EB* Gold Member

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    yes my knitted little bear face....i think i am cute as pink candy floss :) no really.....i do! LOL!

    you should get a facebook - i am a little addict on it though!!! hehe!

    xxx hugs xxxx
     
  18. maypole

    maypole loves to eat

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    Hi,

    I can totally understand how you are feeling. My mum got diagnosed with cancer at the end of 2008 & we found out it was terminal in early 2009. My mum could have had treatment but as there was unlikely to be a cure she decided not too. She is doing amazingly well & was one of the last on the dance floor at my wedding in May 2009. She gets tired but apart from that she is ok. I sometimes catch myself forgetting & then get upset when I remember. My best friend got sexually assaulted in Feb 2009 so I have been supporting her. I also have to deal with an alcoholic, manic depressive, anorexic mother in law who builds my husband up & lets him down all the time & then blames him & sees no problem in how she is living (her house is like how clean is your house before they clean). We have been in this situation for 2 years with my mother in law & it has been a living hell & I see no way out of this . She wears death like a status symbol (she has lost both her parents & partner to cancer) & I think she pleased deep down my mum got sick. Anyway I have coped for a year or so worrying about how everyone else such my husband & my brother is dealing with everything & at the end last year my asthma got really bad & I was having 2 or 3 attacks a day. Poured my heart out to tha asthma nurse & i am having counselling. I would really recommend it to anyone. It isn't making the situations go away but it is making it easier to cope with.

    If you need someone to talk to then PM me or you can try http://community.macmillan.org.uk/whatsnew/default.aspx

    xx
     
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  19. pesty

    pesty Fighting the bulge

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    ((((HUGS))))

    Thank you for this, its really helped to put my problems in perspective.

    I can relate to you telling your asthma nurse, when i had problems at school i never felt i could tell anyone and would end up pouring my heart out to a complete stranger - it always seems easier that way.

    Im really sorry to hear about your mum, that's truely terrible news.

    Ive always loved the saying 'Sometimes its hard to see the silver lining to things but if you look hard enough there always is one.'

    The more wrapped up i get in things i can never see it, but she was right there is one.

    I hope everything goes well for you
    xxxx
     
  20. maypole

    maypole loves to eat

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    The crazy thing I didn't see my situation of everything as that bad until I started sharing. A problem shared a problem halved so to speak
     
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  21. pesty

    pesty Fighting the bulge

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    I agree!! :)
     
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