Not about the diet, opinions and advice wanted (long)

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by Dietingdon, 22 July 2009 Social URL.

  1. Dietingdon

    Dietingdon Silver Member

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    Ok, so i've been with my boyfriend for a year, but we've known each other for almost 10 years. I guess Ive always held a bit of a torch for him, but never bothered with it, as he was in a relationship, had kids, and eventually married. 6 months after getting married, he left his wife, for one reason and another. She was awful to him, and bitter and wouldnt let him see the kids, just to hurt him. He went through a divorce and to family court to gain regular access to his kid, which he got.
    I feel like the cat that's got the cream, as I have the man I thought Id never have, and we love each other and live together.
    The subject of children has recently popped up. Ive told him, I would like a child in 3-4 years time, but not yet. (I actually left a past partner as he never wanted kids) Having my own child means everything to me. My current partner says, at this time, he can't ever see himself wanting children, as he can't risk not being allowed to see them if we were to split, as last time he almost killed himself over not being able to see his kids. I said that Id never stop him, but his reply was 'my ex said that when we were together too'
    I understand, nobody can never say never.
    He's fully aware I left my ex due to the children issue, and he's said, he's be upset and gutted if I left him, but he has to be honest with me, and he can't say he'll ever want more kids, and if I stay with him, and he never changes his mind, he'll feel he'll have cheated me out of kids, but at the same time, he dont want me to leave him. The dilemma I have is this, do I leave him now, (it will be the hardest thing Ive ever had to do) after Ive finally got the man I want, and hope he never changed his mind once he's with someone else, or do I wait a few years, and if he doesnt change his mind, leave then, when it's bound to be a million times harder, or do I stay with him, and hope he changes his mind, and if he doesn't, sacrifice the chance of ever having my own child. I just feel whatever I do, I will get hurt and upset, whether it be now or in the future. I love this man so much, and have wanted to be with him so long. I really don't know what to do.
     
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  3. Guru

    Guru Silver Member

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    What an awful dilemma. A girl on another forum I go on is in a similar situation. In her case, she decided to stay with him and marry him and hope that he will change his mind, but that if he doesn't will have to live with it and try to not resent him for it.

    In her case she decided he was more important to her than children when push comes to shove, and I guess that's what you have to decide too.

    I do not envy you though. I don't think anyone can really advise you what to do as it's such a personal thing, but I hope you make the right decision for you x x x
     
  4. Dietingdon

    Dietingdon Silver Member

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    If we had the perfect relationship, I think it'd be easier, but it's been a very tempestuos year, his ex is a pain in the arse, and that causes rows. I don't think he'll even marry bacause 'she spoiled that experience for him' I feel resentful that she, in a way, is still ruling his decisions and they are effecting mine and his lives. If he didnt have children, I think i'd had suggested moving a little way away, but it's not practical.
     
  5. Guru

    Guru Silver Member

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    Okay well then if it were me, I would cut my losses. If you know you want marriage and kids and he is never going to give those to you. And if your relationship is not so fantastic that it makes up for those then what is the point?

    But that is just me. I realise feelings are not as black and white as that.
     
  6. Dietingdon

    Dietingdon Silver Member

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    I really think things will continue to get better (and hope, lol) as time goes on, esp as his ex wife is now pregnant with someone elses child, If I hadnt wanted it for so long, it'd be so much easier, Life's so difficult!
     
  7. emmapetty

    emmapetty Going for Goal!

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    I have been with my HB for 9 years in all (married for 1 year)

    I always said to him that I wanted children, and for the first 5-6 years he would refuse to talk about it and at one time told me he couldn't see himself being a Dad.

    He's obviously older now, more mature and he now wants to be a Daddy. :)

    But my reasons are different from yours.

    However, if I was you, what would I do...? You seem so in love with him, and I understand it would be so hard to split up. I certainly don't think i'd have split up with my HB.

    I guess it may be worth waiting a bit longer, so that your bf can build up his trust in women (he's clearly lost that, because he compared you to his ex) and one day, who knows...

    But then if it is set in concrete that he is not willing to have children at all, I guess the decision is down to you hunnie. Do you have supportive Parent's or family members who you can turn to for advice?

    It's just so difficult to advise you when I don't 'know' you or your bf. I think someone who knows you both well, who can support you both is the best way to go right now hun.

    Good Luck, chin up :)

    Hugs x x x
     
  8. Dietingdon

    Dietingdon Silver Member

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    Ive suggested he talks to his mum over it, but he wont before our holiday (we go tomorrow) as he doesnt want it to ruin or taint our 1st holiday together. I think his mum will say he's mad to compare me to the ex, and that its not right or fair he's basing decisions about our lives together on the ex and her past actions. His mum was not a fan of the ex.
    So I will bring it up again a few days after we return home, and ask him to speak it over with his mum, and yes, you're right, I do love him very very much.:)
     
  9. LizS

    LizS Shut up Ethel

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    Hi, I sympathise, what a rotten position to be in.

    What I would say is that you've only been together a year and although you've known each other for longer, all that time (well most of it) has been influenced by his relationship with his ex, his kids, etc.

    A year isn't really all that long to make major long term life decisions particularly if he's been burnt in the past (which, clearly, he has). If you can put your feelings about children etc on the back burner for a while and give him some space to settle down into a new relationship with you (I do think its still new, a year isn't so long really) then perhaps things will change.

    As to whether you should cut your losses - I do think that if you go now based on what *might* happen in the future you will resent it. If you're going to go, make sure you're certain about it. He doesn't sound certain. So, were it me, I'd give it at least another year and if still in same position then, then yes perhaps make that difficult decision (either to stay and not have kids, or go and have that option elsewhere)

    Things change - men change - they're usually quite reactive creatures, and it sounds to me like he's still reacting strongly to his past. If you can make a new 'past' together, one where kids dont equal hassle and problems, then you may find he changes his tune a bit. Even he is saying 'at this time' he can't see himself ever wanting more children....he's almost giving himself permission to change his mind further down the line.

    In a nutshell? Not a lost cause just yet.

    Lx
     
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  10. devilishandsweet

    devilishandsweet 100% all the way!

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    Any relationship is about compromise.

    I would talk to him again and say your position. Say you understand why he would feel that way but you really want children and if he really does not want any you don't think you can continue with the relationship. He has had children so it's not fair on you to miss out just because what he has been through. How would he feel if someone said he couldn't of had the children he has got?

    I can't advise you to leave him, but just think how will you will feel if you are deeper into the relationship and he still refuses?
     
  11. Laura Croft

    Laura Croft Happily maintaining

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    Sounds like he is still getting over the breakup of his marriage, and having to put up with a PITA ex-wife won't be helping. However, that was then, and this is now and he needs to learn to trust you and give your R a proper chance. Would he consider couples counselling or even some just for him?
     
  12. Banafell

    Banafell Full Member

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    Hi - when I first met my man (we are now engaged after 3.5 years) on our second 'date' he told me that he doesn't want children/never wants children etc. I was fine with him telling me that afterall I was 27 and he was then 39, I didn't think it was going to become a long term thing with him and I anyway.

    I didn't mention children but one day (about a year ago) he turned round to me and asked if I fancied children with him, I asked what had changed his mind and he said that he was angry and hurt when we met (his last g/f sounds like a real beatch and she treated him like poo) and he was just trying to stop himself getting hurt again and thought to 'block everything off' was the best way to not get hurt again.

    It's a really difficult situation you are in at the moment, I think you ought to give it a year and see what happens BUT you've got to take your age into account - can you afford to wait 2-3 years for him to (possibly) change his mind? if not, then I'm afraid you'll have to make an awkward decision... best of luck honey xxxx
     
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