O/T Families

Discussion in 'Slimming World' started by Sarah-Jayne, 7 October 2009 Social URL.

  1. Sarah-Jayne

    Sarah-Jayne Gold Member

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    Probably going to have a slight rant here, so stick with me, I need this!

    Right, my sister and her husband have been on the brink of breaking up for the past two years since they got married and had a kid. My parents have bailed them out left, right and centre (im talking thousands here as well as emotional support and child minding). Every day seems to be a drama with them and it's taking it's toll.

    Now, dont get me wrong, I think it's great that my parents are helping my sister and her OH but there has to be a point where they say 'no more' and let them bail themselves out for a change and deal with their own problems, not leave it for my parents to sort out.

    Like I said, this has been going on for years and every now and then they forget that I even exist and buy me presents to say sorry. I dont want them to spend money on me! All I want is a phone call every now and then for them to ask how I am and now phone me when they want to tell me how much money they gave my sister or what they dont to bail them out this month etc etc, i;m sick of it.

    If I didnt phone them then they wouldnt call me at all! Its got to the point that ive stopped calling them and it's been days now since we have spoken as they havnt called yet I know they have been dealing with my sister and her OH's money and marital problems. Its not their problem to sort out!

    Rar! I'm sorry but I cant vent this to anyone else as the only other people I have is them! Just feel a bit pushed out at the moment as they are channelling all their time and money onto my sister. I dont want their money or presents, I just wanna be ask how me and my OH are doing!

    Rant over! Thanks for reading x
     
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  3. jaylou

    jaylou Gold Member

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    Hugs hun. Without going into detail, I do know exactly how you feel.
    I don't get the presents but then I don't want anything, but I don't get the calls either!!
    Nothing really to say except you only get one lot of parents and they are not here forever, they do what they think is best at the time and probably don't even realise what they are doing to you.
    They probably think (like mine do) that you are okay and don't need worrying about. At the end of the day, parents worry, it's what they do best and one less kid to worry about lightens the worry load, iykwim?
    I know it hurts hun but try as you might, you won't change them (I've tried with mine!)
     
  4. Sarah-Jayne

    Sarah-Jayne Gold Member

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    Thanks hun. Nice to see someone understands.
    Im not in a mood with them or anything, just want a little recognition sometimes. Probably sound really childish but cant help how I feel lol.
    x
     
  5. Mrs V

    Mrs V Loves Life!

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    Aww Hun..I can sympathise wih you on this one. If only we could choose our families eh??
    I would call your parents as usual...at the end of the day Im sure you are a welcome break for them. My parents are always helping my Brother out and the phone calls got less and less. I called them as always and things have now changed. Your parents dont love you any less and Im sure if you were in the same situation they would be there for you.
    Just hang in there and it will get better eventually.

    Hugs for you though.

    K
    xx
     
  6. couteaux

    couteaux Silver Member

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    So sorry you're feeling like this Sarah. xxx

    Your parents are probably seeing you as the 'sorted' one, they might feel you're ok and able to look after yourself whereas your sister sounds like she moves from one dilemma to another. In actual fact, even if we are 'sorted' we still need attention and affection. Would you feel able to speak to them about this? They probably have no idea you feel like this and would be upset to think they've made you feel this way, but it is important to address it before it becomes a bigger problem.

    You are right, if your parents keep bailing your sister out she will never learn how she can sort out issues for herself. Maybe sit down with them and share your feelings and also your concerns that your sister isn't resolving things for herself and perhaps they should take a step back for a little while?

    She and her OH could prob do with seeing relate for some counseling - that is not something your folks can do for them.

    Really feel for you and hope you can chat to them about this xx
     
  7. jaylou

    jaylou Gold Member

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    Not at all childish. We all want the affection of our parents, that never changes. I've always played second fiddle to my brother but I have accepted that that's the way it is. I ring when I need to and I see them from time to time when either one of us makes an effort to do a family lunch or dinner. It's hard but like Mrs V said - you can't pick your family!
    You are not on your own, I'm sure more of us have "suffered" this. This was yet another reason I chose to only have one child!!!
     
  8. Donnie46

    Donnie46 Slow but sure....

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    I can sympathise too SJ - my mother has always favoured my cousin, she is 7 years younger than me but my mother has loved her to distraction all of her life and I have always been pushed aside.

    I am older now and have grown a second skin and learnt to live with it, but I still have to come second place to my cousin, although I have to say that as far as I know this has never involved money changing hands - just the love and affection that I have been lacking from my mother all my life.

    So I can see where you are coming from, and there is really nothing you can do SJ except just let your parents carry on, if you interfere too much you could cause a family rift, and if you ignore them then you are losing contact with your parents.

    So my advice to you is to sit tight and let the parents carry on - I am a big believer in what comes around turns around, and the day will come when they will appreciate their other daughter, sending you love and hugs. XX
     
  9. Sarah-Jayne

    Sarah-Jayne Gold Member

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    Thanks all.
    Ive been in this position with them before and told them how I felt, they bought me presents to say sorry, hence why I dont want to being it up again. Dont want their money and forced appologies. Just want them to figure it out for themselves.
     
  10. Lonestitcher

    Lonestitcher Silver Member

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    If you don't mind a few ideas from a newbie stranger?....

    If you haven't spoken to your parents for a few days, ring them and say "Is everything ok? You haven't rang for a few days?" - they probably haven't even realised it's been so long. Do you think that they have got into a habit of only phoning you to tell you about your sisters drama?

    It might seem a bit formal, but could you arrange a day/time for them to phone you? I'm really close to my mum (being an only child) and when I moved out we could go for a week or two without calling (might not be long for many people, but for us it seemed an AGE!!) and it always seemed to be me that did the ringing. When I mentioned this to her, she said that she didn't want to keep ringing and interfering! So we arranged a couple of nights a week when she would call, a couple of nights when I would call, and some nights when NO-ONE would call (except in cases of emergency!)

    Try getting into the habit of more "shorter" calls. Quick calls to see how THEY are......DO NOT ASK HOW YOUR SISTER IS!!!! (Are you in the habit, of when they ring, always assuming it will be another "sister drama"?) When they phone, let them ask how you are and tell them!!!! If they try to steer the conversation around to your sister, say that you have to go, and you'll talk to them later.

    Obviously you care about your sister, and your parents probably only have you to vent to about her, so there would have to be a few of the "Your sister's just........" conversations, but maybe your 'phone relationship' with your parents would be better.

    Just a few suggestions.....HTH.......
     
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  11. wendy in wales

    wendy in wales Full Member

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    Hi Sarah, I know it must be hard to feel as you do ,but I bet your parents are so pleased that you are there for them to talk to.Please pick up the phone and call them .I would give anything to be able to speak to mine,just to tell them what's been happening in my life,or just for a chat ( soz don't mean to sound glum but it's hard when they're not here). I hope you feel better soon
    wendy x
     
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  12. Sarah-Jayne

    Sarah-Jayne Gold Member

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    Wendy, that actually brough a tear to my eye hun. x
    Lonestitcher, yeah I try and not ask how my sister is lol.
     
  13. missclare85

    missclare85 Silver Member

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    I cant really comment as ive never been in that situatio but.....

    *BIG HUGSSSSSSS* x
     
  14. Sarah-Jayne

    Sarah-Jayne Gold Member

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    Fankoo x

    Now ive said it out loud (so to speak) I feel a bit stupid!
     
  15. Scarlet Daisy

    Scarlet Daisy Hungry For Life

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    Oh dear, it seems like they are glad you are so sensible and because of that they are kicking back and not chasing around after you. I'm sure they feel very grateful that you're the way you are though. If you needed them they'd be there, I'm sure of that.

    I'm afraid I'm the disasterous drama-queen in my family (from my Mum's point of view, I'm sure). Also I've lost quite a bit of contact with my two grown-up sons, because one doesn't approve of my (young) boyfriend and the other doesn't bother with me unless I ring him. *sigh* I fail in all directions.
     
  16. wendy in wales

    wendy in wales Full Member

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    Sarah
    you don't need to feel stupid , it was obviously upsetting you.I'm probably the worlds worst for ranting!!
    Scarlet Daisy I bet you haven't" failed on all counts ".Are you happy with your boyfriend?. YOU are entitled to a life of your own your son should be happy for you.
    take care both of you .
    wendy
     
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