O/T What do I do......?

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by devilishandsweet, 24 July 2009 Social URL.

  1. devilishandsweet

    devilishandsweet 100% all the way!

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    Right the long and short of it is that my dad has multiple scerosis............and my mum wanted me and hubby to go on hols this year with them, coz she is not sure she will be able to abroad after this hols as dad will get worse.

    Without goin into too much..........I met my husband who had divorced. He lived in a council flat, and had basically nothing! He had gone bankrupt and still cant get credit. I married him 3 years ago.

    I earn about 36k a year and he earns about 22k. Thats not the problem........Since we been together I have a new BMW, which I pay for....and last year I had to get a mortage on my own (because he can't get credit) and I pay for that. He is constanly going through my purse taking money that I haven't said he can have. Our bills come to about £1700 a month and together we earn about £3400 a month, but I NEVER have any money left! When I look through my bank statement ( he gets paid into my account) I find nearly £1000 worth of transactions a month I can't account for!?

    Im 25 and he is 40 and I feel he is living off of me! I do nearly 60 hours a week and he only does 37 and NEVER does overtime!

    The other day he wanted some beers and I had to pay for them..............when I told him he couldn't have some the next day he said 'You have your cambridge!' Er hello I earn £1000 more than you, and I'm doing something about my weight!

    Anyway back to the subject....holiday to egypt.............we owe my mum £520 each to pay for hols....and me and hubby had a agreement that we would pay for ourselves. I have paid £520 to my mum and he hasn't paid a penny!

    He will NEVER have enough money to pay it by the 18th August (when hols needs to be paid) and 'I' will end up paying!


    What shall I do.....Pay it......or say if u don't pay don't go?

    Like I said I have no issue with me earning more money but I work loads of hours to earn what I do and I don't see why I should pay for him?!

    Advice please peeps? .....

    Sorry for banging on! xxxxx
     
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  3. alipally

    alipally Serial Dieter!

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    My advice....

    Get a bank account for your money, sever all financial ties to this man, or he'll drag you down with him..... Agree an amount that he will pay for his share of the bills every month, (if you want to make it fair, then a 65:35 split would be reasonable as he earns less than you) add the cost of the holiday in that figure, spread out over the 12 weeks until the holiday....Get the money off him on PAY DAY.
    Keep your purse away from him... hide it, leave it in the car, whatever, just keep it safe.

    Get on with losing your weight... once you're at target, I suggest taking a long hard look at your marriage and your motivation for being with this man, and he with you. :confused:

    He obviously has some problem with money, and there was a reason he was divorced the 1st time.

    I'm probably only writing down what you already know needs to happen, if it's not what you want to hear then I'm sorry, but from your post this is the most reasonable course of action. IMHO!
     
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  4. LizzMB

    LizzMB WILL be Slim!

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    My DH has been unemployed since November, and has now only recently been able to get a job, but not once did he go through my purce etc. I accept that any money coming into the house goes into a big pot and we both use it HOWEVER, i would be concerned about earning all the money and him spending it hand over fist!

    When it comes to payday, i would transfer £500 a month out hun, so you dont have to worry about him doing it.

    I would also confront him, and tell him your going to do it and see what his response is!

    I personally wouldnt be completely comfortable with his attitude todwards money. I have issues when DH buys something when we're broke....i go up the wall becuase i'm the one that ends up with it stressing me out.

    At 40, he should know better than to be a sponge!!! Where is his self-respect!

    xx
     
  5. The Rose

    The Rose Rosie

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    Great advice from Allipally and Liz.

    As for the question - you haven't said whether your mum and dad have already paid, and if they have, I assume that they are out of pocket. If it was my mum then I would make sure she had her money back asap and deal with my other half in whatever way I had to.

    You are very young and have the rest of your life ahead of you - make sure that this person is supporting you in the way that you want.

    Love
    Rose xx
     
  6. *butterfly*

    *butterfly* Silver Member

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    Hi hun,
    I suspect that your hubby may well have problems with responsibility, especially as he not only had any qualms about taking from you but your parents as well. Most people would just not do that, and have the respect for you and you folks to pay up and be fair financially.
    Problem being that your relationship developed with him being supported by you from the start, and instead of being grateful and doing his best to be an equal partner, he seems to have come to expect you to pay for him, or bail him out of financial crisis. I had an ex like this, put up with being financially exploited for ages, amogst other crap, only got shot of him when i met my OH and had the confidence in myself to believe i was worth more than that. I found it difficult as a big woman to believe that anyone else would want me, but looking back it was even worse to just accept what he offered as it just further knocks your self esteem. You deserve better than this.
    You really need to take action, otherwise this can go on for years, and you're clearly not happy with the situation. I agree with the previous sugestion, get seperate bank accounts if possible, have a joint account (or use yours) where you both put in a fixed amount to cover bills, with a little extra to save for hols/crisis. Then whats left over is your own. If he cannot get a seperate account you could always just give him his monthly cash. Need to be firm though, once its gone, its gone...
    It sounds harsh and it won't be easy to do, but i suspect that as you've had the guts to post about this you must be feeling at the end of your tether with him. I just hope that he supports you in other ways and will agree to trying to find a way to solve the problem, otherwise you may need to re-evalute how committed he is to you (as opposed to your finances). Don't put up with 2nd best - life is too short! Good luck hun, sorry for waffling, i just feel so strongly about this as i know how it feels. Here for you xx
     
  7. lunar jim

    lunar jim Gold Member

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    We're the same as Lizz, all our money goes into one pot; the essentials come out and the rest is ours (not much with three kids lol). But like Lizz I'd be worried about him just pulling money out left and right, especially when you can't account for it. Can he account for it? Or is he evasive about it? Can you see what he has spent it on? Or is he blowing it all in the bookies or something?

    Lizz has a good idea re comparmentalising your finances but you'd be doing this because basically you don't trust him to dip into your cash. And trust is the basis of any relationship.

    IMHO you need to be stepping back and looking at the relationship critically.
     
  8. devilishandsweet

    devilishandsweet 100% all the way!

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    Thanks guys.

    You know what? My mum has been saying what you all have suggested for ages......but I think it needs to come from someone else sometimes until you realise that you need to do something!

    I'm off of work today so have some time to plan what I'm going to do and then a LONG talk with the hubby when he gets in.

    I do appreicate yours comments and thankyou for responding xxx
     
  9. emmapetty

    emmapetty Going for Goal!

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    Hey Hun,

    I've been in a similar situation to you...with my sibling (I refuse to call her my sister - call me cold hearted, but that girl is no blood relative of mine).

    She has Bipolar Disorder and as a teen, treated me and everyone else terribly. Lying about jobs, stealing money, lying about people, she ran up debts amounting to around £2,000 with catalogues etc and she had put them all in my name.

    When it came to light that I hadn't recieved my bank statements in the post I went to the bank and nearly passed out. I was faaar in my overdraft and debts were being paid out of my account each month.

    To cut a long story short, we had a massive argument. My Mum completely ignored my distraught state and concentrated on her, and getting well. My Mum also has mental health issues, so I think she felt she was in part to blame. So 'she' went into hospital, and remained there for around 8 months. In those 8 months I left home, and have not spoken to 'her' since.

    When she returned from hospital she did write to me, with apologies etc. But I haven't got any time for her and never will.

    I still have a bank account, and the monies were paid back - I sued. But I still have trouble getting credit.

    devilishandsweet - If I was you I would keep a close eye, and if necessary get your own account, your HB will be able to get a 'cash account' with any bank, whether he was bankrupt or not. He wont have the perks of a cheque book or overdraft facility, but nevertheless he will be able to get his wages paid into his own account.

    Get your pin number changed asap.

    Hugs x x x
     
  10. Nicki-M

    Nicki-M Full Member

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    Hi Devilishandsweet,
    The only way to get on top of this one is to take complete control of all the family finances....agree an amount with your OH that he is allowed to have for himself each week, like an allowance or if he can't be trusted to have it weekly then a daily allowance. DO NOT let him keep any debit cards or cash machine cards or just take them and change the PIN numbers and don't reveal what they have been changed to. DO NOT allow him access to any accounts at all. If he wants something special, he will have to discuss it with you first and then as a COUPLE you make a decision between you as to whether or not you can afford it or not.
    You are very young and seem to have put too much trust in this man, don't be naive and don't believe any excuses he tells you as regards to how he has spent your money.
    Marriage is a two way street and things need to be discussed. This man seems like a freeloader and is taking advantage of your kind nature. Nip it in the bud now...before he drags you down the bankruptcy road too!

    To be perfectly honest and speaking from experience...this man sounds like he has a serious gambling problem and I think you'll find probably spends a lot of time lining the pockets of the local bookmakers. Does he disappear for hours on end? If you are not aware of a gambling problem or he denies it, try following him one day and see where he goes. Believe me there is a bookmakers on every corner....I hate them.

    I as I say speak through experience...my husband, who I love dearly has a gambling affliction and spends a lot of time in the local bookies. I have been in terrible situations before when I have been unable to feed us due to him spunking the whole weeks wages in one fail swoop. It is devastating and can destroy your life if you are not careful. You have to take control.
    I do not allow my husband access to any of our joint or sole bank accounts, he has no debit or cash machine cards, when the new ones come through the post, I open them and cut them up immediately, if he needs money then he has to ask me for it and explain why he needs it, then if I think he genuinely needs the money, I give it to him, I never keep more than about £20-£30 in my purse and if need be I sleep with it under my pillow or find various different hidey holes for it. My philosophy is "if he wants to act like a child..I'll treat him like one". My husband has a good job and earns over £60,000 per year and believe me we could have paid or mortgage off twice by now if he hadn't lost so much money. I know this sounds harsh, but, at the end of the day it is survival for me...knowing that I can pay my bills and have a roof over my head and food in our bellies (well maybe not mine). Please come to an agreement with him soon before you lose everything, it is a really rocky road, be careful.
    Do not feel sorry for him and do not give in even if he begs you. Firmly wear the trousers in the house and make sure he knows it!
    I know pocket money seems really extreme..but it works and is the best way forward.
    I will give you an example of an average week in my house, I usually give my OH £10 per day for cigs and things, he usually takes sandwiches and fruit etc to work..then at the weekend he is allowed to have £40 on a Saturday for bets...if there is any extra money after I have brought shopping etc, I sometimes give him an extra £20 midweek...I think that is plenty. Allowances are the best way forward....believe me he doesn't go without...if he needs shoes, trainers, clothes etc, then we shop for these together and I pay using his money of course and I buy him beer each week with the shopping etc with his money and treats like going out get paid with his money. It's not rocket science just a means to survive in this ratrace. As I only work at the weekend my money goes into a separate account and obviously is nowhere near as much as he earns, but, it all gets divvied up together and contributes to the finances...we don't have his money and my money...I have never agreed with that and I always feel sorry for my friends who have relationships like that.
    I have been with my husband for 21 years and this arrangement suits us and my husband has no problems with it as he knows it is the best solution to his problem. This arrangement has been in place for approximately 16 years and works well as long as you don't give in to tantrums and sulks...which I promise you happens on a regular basis.
    I wish you luck on reigning him in..it won't be easy, but stick with it.
    God I have just read this post through and I sound like a right *****!....but..is this face bothered...NO!
    Sorry if I seem a bit harsh and sound a bit dictatorish...but I really do feel you need to take the bull by the horns on this one...if not just take him by the b**** and tell him how it is. Good luck again and sorry for the long post.
     
  11. SarahSez

    SarahSez Silver Member

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    I wish I had time to write a full reply but unfotunately I haven't at the moment but i just wanted to say your husband was bankrupt because he was in SERIOUS debt. He obviously cant have a bank account of his own so you have to stop him having access to yours even if that means removing/cancelling any cards he may have hold of and changing any online passwords.

    You then give him an 'allowance' of say £100-150 per week - the rest of his earnings go towards the bills.

    As for the holiday, if your mum has paid you must pay her back if he doesn't, but if you do, then he stays at home and tell him so ... and stick to your guns. You have to be strong (like with children when you say you will take their toy away if they dont behave, you have to follow through with your threats).

    Sorry I couldnt advise more
     
  12. JustJen84

    JustJen84 Full Member

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    i think moneys such a big issue with a lot of relationships, id agree with everyone else in terms of having a set amount for him to spend, do you have a savings account you could do a standing order to to safeguard some money every month? we have one bank acc pay all we need to pay and leave the rest unless theres something we need to buy like school uniform etc. btw bankrupts can have bank accounts theres a co op cashminder where theres basically no borrowing facilities and i think barclays also do a basic acc. he may have a problem or just being very disrespectfull just because you earn more money doesnt give him the right to spend it all so seperating your finances for a while may be a good idea in getting him to learn to budget. my brothers ex wife started taking out debts in his name when they were together i think some people really get a buzz off spending and it spirals out of control so it needs to be nipped.

    all the best hope it all works out for you x
     
  13. polishrose

    polishrose Gold Member

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    As someone who has been bankrupt-he CAN get a basic account-nearly all the banks do one.They are designed specifically for former bankrupts/people who struggle with money.You don't get a chq book or an overdraft but you generally do get a debit card.HTH
     
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