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Oh help, help, help.

fillymum

synful soul
S: 107kg C: 85kg G: 79kg BMI: 33.2 Loss: 22kg(20.56%)
#1
Not long ago I started a thread about fountains and drains and sited an elderly lady I speak to on the phone every day who is such a drain but I religiously ring her because she is alone. She depresses me so much with her negative attitude to everything in life.

Well this evening she has really upset me with her insensitivity and rudeness. I haven't posted anything about two of my lovely cats, one missing for 2 weeks, and the other one just home after 8 days away and still quite poorly, because we have had so much pussy cat sadness lately. I am pretty heartbroken to say the least.

This lady insists on going over every event in your life that seems even remotely distressful. She is like someone picking at a scab until it starts to bleed again.

Tonight she brought up the subject of Buster and Cat and went on and on and on, until in desperation I asked her to stop. She was very rude to me .

Foolishly I rang her back and told her how upset I was and how much she had upset me. I now feel quite ashamed of myself . she is in her 80's and I should know better than to react.

At the moment I feel I do not want to speak to her again....EVER....... and certainly do not want her here for the whole of Christmas. We have had her here for the last 20 years. I just do not want to be in her company.

I know I am overreacting and need to be more rational.

Oh help........what do I do.
 
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S: 21st4lb C: 13st3lb G: 10st0lb BMI: 30.8 Loss: 8st1lb(37.92%)
#2
Sue, I think you should step back from the old lady for a little while. It doesn't matter that she is 80, she should have more regard for your feelings. I hope your cat gets better soon and the other one returns home. Chin up.
 

MargyParker

My belly this will be!
S: 10st10lb C: 9st9lb G: 9st0lb BMI: 23.2 Loss: 1st1lb(10%)
#3
If she is 80 then she has more life experience than you and she should know better. It is now not up to you to do anything - it is her move and an apology should come your way. If she doesn't contact you then your problem is solved. Do not contact her - she is taking advantage of you by the sounds of it and as I said earlier at her age she should really know better. Stand your ground missus you are in the right here. Besides which she has a lot to lose here and if she is the way that she sounds she won't want to lose that.
 
#4
I am with Margy. You are not responsible for this woman, she is a neighbour. Much as it is nice to look out for one another and frankly, you have gone way beyond that, she is out of line on this occasion, and you have made that clear to her.

Just because she is old, does not mean she is going to be nice, or caring, or thoughtful of others feelings. Dont feel guilty for how you spoke to her, better to get it out of your system and air it than bottle it up and let it fester. If she has any sense at all she will apologise, but if she doesnt, it is her that stands to lose out because you have been nothing but considerate of her.

*Hugs to you* Hope the cat shows up soon and the other one feels better. And dont ever feel worried about talking about stuff on here no matter what else is going on - it is what we are here for, you dont need to suffer in silence.
 

fillymum

synful soul
S: 107kg C: 85kg G: 79kg BMI: 33.2 Loss: 22kg(20.56%)
#5
Thank you ladies for the advice. I know that everything you have said is right'
I will try hard to follow your advice but I can not help but still feel bad for being stupid enough to rise to the bait. This really is a case of silence would have been golden.

Gill, thanks for the hugs and I promise I will not hold back in future.
 
#6
Oh sue i do so hope your pussy cat comes home and the other one recovers and gets better, you should share with us cause we all luv you to bits and we would be here for you, to offer advice and support just like you do for us.(keep us informed on pussy cats pls :D).

As for your friend, when you rang her back and told her how upset you were, what did she say in response?

maybe take a little bit of time away from her, doing this may give her a little time to relise she cant speak to you and upset you this way,and give you a little space from her right now, I have a elderly friend and she does take advantage of me and thinks she has the right to say what she wants to me no matter how much it upsets me, i tend to smile and take it on the chin because she is 87 and i have to say i dont want to fall out with her as she is quite frail and im scared i upset her.

im sure it will all come out in the wash, keep us informed :)
 
S: 17st1lb C: 12st1lb G: 9st1lb BMI: 29.9 Loss: 5st0lb(29.29%)
#7
i do hope that you sort things out, I understand your predicament with your friend but sometimes people say things before they realise what they have actually said. Have you tried to talk to her about it since, she maybe doesn't realise that she's being offensive. I hope you get everything sorted and that your kitty comes home safe xxx
 

fillymum

synful soul
S: 107kg C: 85kg G: 79kg BMI: 33.2 Loss: 22kg(20.56%)
#8
I didn't speak to her yesterday and it was heaven. Isn't that awful. It really has become just a duty thing.

Today will be a call free zone as well. It is dreadful feeling this way about having to speak to someone.

Cat, is still very poorly, drinking a little but not eating, her antibiotics have been increased.

Buster still hasn't come home and I do not think he will now. I wish I knew what has happened to him. It is the hunting season at present and we do get hunters in our valley. They tend to shoot at anything that moves.
 
#9
Oh Sue, sending you lots of love and good wishes that Cat gets better and Buster comes home *hugs*

As for the neighbour.... I wonder, why is it that we make excuses for people's rudeness just because they are of a certain age? We do it. MIL is in her 80's and we let her "get away" with so much and put it down to her age. We couldn't say such things or act in these ways because we are yonger, but in my opinion, age is not an excuse for rudeness.

I know I speak of family and this lady is just a neighbour but it's the same thing really.

If you have no fondness for her then I would leave it a while then perhaps ring her once a week. If at all!
 
#10
oh no poor Buster, maybe he is off on his own hunting spree having a bit of boy time, cats stay away for weeks and come back, so we shall keep our fingers crossed.

And come on poor wee Cat, you can do it,keep us informed Pls, i do so hope he pulls through:(

jaylou give really good advice if you do like your friend back off a little and ring her once a week. good thinking jaylou
 

MargyParker

My belly this will be!
S: 10st10lb C: 9st9lb G: 9st0lb BMI: 23.2 Loss: 1st1lb(10%)
#11
jaylou give really good advice if you do like your friend back off a little and ring her once a week. good thinking jaylou
Not wanting to start a war but if you cantact her again she may see it as an apology from you for your "bad" behaviour. And then you will once again be on the slippery slope.

I think we sometimes feel sorry for older people because they sometimes get physically frail and can't do physical things - there is an assumption that their mind is the same but I think there is power in hurting people and if you are robbed of all other power in your life by being frail, having no family to count on and being housebound, it must be easy and satisfying to exert the only power you have left. :grouphugg:
 

fillymum

synful soul
S: 107kg C: 85kg G: 79kg BMI: 33.2 Loss: 22kg(20.56%)
#12
Thanks friends.

I am not ringing her again, she can ring me and if I feel I can speak to her I will.
It seems so sad after 20 or more years of knowing her but I really cannot allow myself to be depressed on a daily basis by her. I have enough in my life to worry about without her making me feel worse.

I think Buster has gone for good. I would be very surprised if he did come home, surprised and delighted, but it is totally out of character and I have to face up to it.

Cat has eaten a bit of chicken this lunchtime so perhaps the increased dose of anti b's is working. I hope she makes it she is the mother of Buster and my three other ginger boys, Rag, Tag and Bob.



This photo was taken almost three years ago. The tortoiseshell mum is Cat and the ginger kitten is Buster.

I miss him.
 

MargyParker

My belly this will be!
S: 10st10lb C: 9st9lb G: 9st0lb BMI: 23.2 Loss: 1st1lb(10%)
#13
Thanks friends.

I am not ringing her again, she can ring me and if I feel I can speak to her I will.
other ginger boys, Rag, Tag and Bob.
Rag tag and bob brings back some memories...

It is dreadful when your pet goes missing. We moved house and our much loved cat disappeared shortly afterwards - I was heartbroken. He turned up 3 weeks later and I am sure he went back to the old place. He didn't wander after that fortunately.

Another time I cycled past him dead in the road with my son of 18 months on the back of my bike. I couldn't even stop as I had my son with me. I was crying at work and nobody understood and they laughed at me for mourning a cat. When I got home he was sitting on my doorstep. It was another completely black cat that had died. I felt like a bit of a narna then but I was so glad he was ok.

I am sure I read that spanish gunslingers are responsible for the lowering numbers of wild birds because they wait for the time when the birds leave spain to migrate and just shoot randomly at them for 'fun'. They don't even eat the carcases - what is the point? Something seriously wrong in that type of brain.:mad: You could understand why they wouldn't be too bothered if this is true about shooting anything else that moves I suppose.
I hope he turns up manky and looking very pleased with himself!:cry:
 
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Beegee

The Big One
S: 19st3lb C: 11st10lb G: 11st0lb BMI: 28.1 Loss: 7st7lb(39.03%)
#14
So sorry you're going through a hard time with your cats x FWIW, I don't think you did over-react. There is no excuse for her rudeness and lack of respect, in fact I applaud you for having the balls to ask her to stop upsetting you rather than just standing there taking it. The next move should definitely be hers, it sounds as though you're pleased to be rid of her for now - you don't need toxic people who bring you down in your life. I sympathise though - I hate atmosphere and confrontations like this, it messes with your mind!
 

fillymum

synful soul
S: 107kg C: 85kg G: 79kg BMI: 33.2 Loss: 22kg(20.56%)
#15
I am sure I read that spanish gunslingers are responsible for the lowering numbers of wild birds because they wait for the time when the birds leave spain to migrate and just shoot randomly at them for 'fun'. They don't even eat the carcases - what is the point? Something seriously wrong in that type of brain.:mad: You could understand why they wouldn't be too bothered if this is true about shooting anything else that moves I suppose.
I hope he turns up manky and looking very pleased with himself!:cry:
It infuriates me and at times I can see them. It distressed me so much on one occasion to see them shoot a rabbit, send the dog to retrieve it and when the dog brought it back, just toss it to one side . Dead and discarded and feeding no one. Disgusting.

One morning we were on the stable yard doing the boxes when bullet ricochet of the hay store roof. My husband who is the mildest, kindest man, who never swears, hates bad language from anyone, went flying down the bank into the valley screaming abuse at them. They never came back again. I suppose the sight of some bearded mad man screaming at me might have had a similar effect.

There have been reports of people sunbathing in their gardens moving and being shot by an over zealous hunter.

Some of poor dogs don't fair to well either. If they show no aptitude for hunting, unscrupulous owners just leave them behind. They mostly use Podencos, officially recognised as the most ill treated dog in the world after the grey hound.

I don't think you did over-react. There is no excuse for her rudeness and lack of respect, in fact I applaud you for having the balls to ask her to stop upsetting you rather than just standing there taking it. The next move should definitely be hers, it sounds as though you're pleased to be rid of her for now - you don't need toxic people who bring you down in your life. I sympathise though - I hate atmosphere and confrontations like this, it messes with your mind!
Thank you so much for your reply. I too hate confrontation. I am an emotional coward. A bad atmosphere or situation can throw me into a depression in minutes and normally I will do whatever I can to make a bad situation good. This time I think the next move is hers.
 
S: 9st11lb C: 8st9lb G: 8st9lb BMI: 22.1 Loss: 1st2lb(11.68%)
#16
I can only think the 80 year old has nobody else to talk to you may be the only one she speaks to on a daily/weekly basis, and has perhaps become so friendly with you she feels she can speak as she likes.

I know how much you love you're animals & I do hope you get some good news soon.;)
 

fillymum

synful soul
S: 107kg C: 85kg G: 79kg BMI: 33.2 Loss: 22kg(20.56%)
#17
After 4 days of perfect peace and no negativity the elderly friend phoned this morning to say " are you not speaking to me "

I was very polite and answered all she had to say. But have decided I will not be ringing everyday from now on . I think twice a week is more than enough.

Thanks for all the advice.
 

MargyParker

My belly this will be!
S: 10st10lb C: 9st9lb G: 9st0lb BMI: 23.2 Loss: 1st1lb(10%)
#18
After 4 days of perfect peace and no negativity the elderly friend phoned this morning to say " are you not speaking to me "
no apology then - why are you dong this to yourself if you have perfect peace why ruin it - you will end up back on the slippery slope. I am puzzled and fearful for you.:(
 

pammyd

Silver Member
S: 11st8lb C: 11st8lb G: 9st10lb BMI: 27.8 Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#19
Sorry Sue, have only just read this thread as been of board for a while, so sorry to hear about your cats. I think that phoning your friend a couple of times a week is the way forward, you seem to be the sort of person who would beat herself up if anything happened to your elderly friend (and I use the term loosely). I'm not saying that you should feel bad, just that I think you would.. I know there is no excuse for rudeness or people putting you down etc. but you have been friends with her for a long time, why is that? Perhaps she has fallen into a habit of doing this and doesn't even know it! Sometimes it takes a telling off (for want of a better expression) to make people look at how they are.
 

fillymum

synful soul
S: 107kg C: 85kg G: 79kg BMI: 33.2 Loss: 22kg(20.56%)
#20
no apology then - why are you dong this to yourself if you have perfect peace why ruin it - you will end up back on the slippery slope. I am puzzled and fearful for you.:(
No , no apology, none.

Thank you for your concern about me and don't be puzzled. I would be too if I was on the outside of the situation.

I could not desert her after more than 20 years of always being there. There are times when I hate it, hate what I feel I have to do and it really depresses me that I am not brave enough to walk away from her. I would not be able to rest at all if I thought she was alone and without any lifeline. I guess I could not be that cruel.



Sorry Sue, have only just read this thread as been of board for a while, so sorry to hear about your cats. I think that phoning your friend a couple of times a week is the way forward, you seem to be the sort of person who would beat herself up if anything happened to your elderly friend (and I use the term loosely). I'm not saying that you should feel bad, just that I think you would.. I know there is no excuse for rudeness or people putting you down etc. but you have been friends with her for a long time, why is that? Perhaps she has fallen into a habit of doing this and doesn't even know it! Sometimes it takes a telling off (for want of a better expression) to make people look at how they are.

You have got it so right Pammy. I would hate myself forever more if I turned my back on her altogether. She will be better with me for a while now and I honestly think that cutting it down to twice a week is the way forward.

I know I vented here because the advice given here is always so good and it is an ear that is listening.
 


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