Really messed up!!!!

Discussion in 'Lipotrim Refeeding' started by liz0703, 9 November 2009 Social URL.

  1. liz0703

    liz0703 Silver Member

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    Today I went for my weigh in, as I chickened out last week. And was absolutely gutted to find I had gained 2lbs!!! I was so devastated, but realise I am really going off track and everything is just going to pot.

    Confession time!! I am so disgusted with myself for getting myself into this mess, after doing so well and being so strong. I went through 6 months of LT, not cheating once, going through a split with my hubby, moving house etc. Started re feed 5 weeks ago, permanently split with my hubby after we couldn't get past the affair he was having (and still is!!), I got my new job etc.... the past few months have been such a roller coaster, but despite all this, I stayed on track! Up until last week. Everyday since then I have been binging on rubbish at night time, chocolate, crisps, cakes, biscuits and so on. And then throwing it up! I haven't told a soul this, as I am too embarrassed, and just do not know how to get out of the cycle on my own. I was so proud of myself with how much I had achieved, not just with the weight, but the house, the new job, trying to keep everything together for my boys, but now feel I am letting it crumble around myself and just don't know where to turn to get back on track.

    I know counselling/ dietitian would be a step in the right direction, but this takes time. I do not want to put on any more weight, or make myself ill.

    I have been doing loads of extra exercising to try and compensate for the binging, started using orlistat, have been eating what I have posted (but didn't mention the extra's!!), and to top it all I started totm today, my first in months. I am on the implant and do not normally have periods. Had 2, for the first time in 3 years, when i first started the shakes, then they stopped, but strangly started again today, not sure what has brought that on again.

    Where do I go from here? Tempted to go back on the shakes again full time, but I have a 50th party next week that I have been looking forward to for months, so there wont be much point doing the shakes for just under 2wks, will have no time to re feed. Or do I do 2 shakes/1 meal a day?? Just have no idea what to do or where to turn to. All I know is am very disappointed with myself, to the point of disgust.

    Sorry for waffling, thanks for taking the time to listen to me, not admitted by binging to anyone!
     
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  3. summergurl

    summergurl ♥3 Years Maintaining♥

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    Awwwwwwwwww liz!!!! :hug99: :hug99: How strong are you to go through that whilst on LT!! Goes to show honey that you can do it!

    Grab some of that determination you had and cover yourself with it again. I dont think going back on the shakes are going to do you any good as you have only gained 2lbs.

    Im here for you and im sure the others are too. Keep your head high and remember how fantastically you have done. Like you said councelling or something will help you. First step, go to your doc he/she can probably reccomend you to somewhere. I hope you get over this soon chick :hug99:
     
  4. anne-mariep

    anne-mariep Silver Member

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    Oh honey you are so brave to come on here and share. Your right you have done so many brilliant independent changes in your life and you have dealt with it all so so well! You can get threw this. 2lbs is not enough to go back on the shakes for the sooner you get away from the shakes the better. Maybe do the maintainance products for one week with one good meal some others have done this after they have had a binge. It is not the end of the world to go off track and binge you will do this again but making your self sick hun.. really bad habit to get into like Tanya said you shud talk to your GP about it before it becomes a serious issue.

    You can not expect to be brilliant with food all the time thats how real life is. You will gain sometimes but you will get back on track and lose it again. this is healthy and natural, its maintaining.

    You are stronger than you think hun you just need to look at wat you have earned and remember maintaining is now wat your doin you dont need to lose anymore you look brilliant. Your life is changing dramatically and all the emotions about your ex and your kids is making you feel out of control so of course you are trying to control food (the control you discovered on TFR) but dat is not a lifestyle. you WILL find a balance its just gonna take a while.

    Please dont feel bad about posting your bad foods its a natural ting to have some naughties every now and again and maybe sharing these will help you realise its not a sin to have an off day!

    Maybe go talk to your pharmacist it does say on the info sheet lt give you that they are there to help you through maintainance as well as Tfr. Try some maintainance products to gain back some control. But you do not need to go onto TFR. You are a size 10 hun, you are a healthy weight. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Feel Better!
     
  5. liz0703

    liz0703 Silver Member

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    Why did the determination disappear?? It is so frustrating! Why do we do it to ourselves??

    Thanks for your kind words and support, I really appreciate it. I really hope I can get back track soon, the more weight I put on, and the longer I feel like this, the more fed up I get equals more food!!!! Will have a good think tonight, and try and re focus for tomorrow.

    Well done on your loss this week, I hope I can copy you next week. Never again will I moan about 1lb loss!!!!! Please come back!!!
     
  6. liz0703

    liz0703 Silver Member

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    It was hard posting my terrible sevret on here, everyone has been so supportive and encouraging. It felt like I was letting everyone down.

    After what you and Tanya have said about the shakes, I won't go back on them full time. Have not decided what to do tomorrow, whether or not to have 2 shakes/1 meal until next weekend, have my work's night out, then go back to 1 shake/2 meals, I know I should be weaning myself off the shakes, but not ready yet. Start my new job in Jan, so plan to come off them then (if I haven't gained a lot more then!!!)

    I wouldn't mind if my 'naughtiness' was just 'naughtiness', but it was plain stupid!! I don't even dare tell anyone what I scoffed, it was a lot!!!

    I need a big shake off somebody to get myself back on track, although I know I need to stand on my own two feet and sort it out myself!! Easier said than done!!

    Yes I am still a size 10,albeit slightly tight than it was, the only size I possess in my wardrobe!!!! Was boardering an 8 in some clothes, although never tried any 8's on, won't be doing that this week!!!

    Going to try my very best tomorrow to get back on track, and get rid of those horrid 2lbs. Not going to get weighed again until a week on Friday (the day before my night out), and hope I have managed to sort myself (a big pray!!)

    Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate them x:eek:
     
  7. summergurl

    summergurl ♥3 Years Maintaining♥

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    I dont think we will ever really know why we do it to ourselves, all i know is that we can pick our selves up and get on with tomorrow being another day. Another day of you being healthy and slim and focused.

    We are all guilty of a binge, heck ive had one today but i knew i would. Being prepared is key. Is there any way you can not have the food in the house that you tend to scoff? Must be hard with children though.

    If you feel like you still need the control of the shakes carry them on. Maybe if you want a bit more control then do like you said, 2 shakes and 1 meal. I just hope you get through it soon honey. You can do it my lover :D xxx :hug99:
     
  8. Nenya

    Nenya Full Member

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    Liz I know how you feel, I have been binging since tyhe first week of refeed when I put on 2 lbs. I am 5 lbs heavier today and you would think that it would make me rein in, but I have been even worse today. I don't have the excuse of having a bad time, I have lost all my willpower. I am just rubbish around food. The shakes gave my life structure and I need to find some courage from somewhere soon or I will be sunk. You have been so strong, don't let it rule you. You can do it x
     
    Last edited: 9 November 2009
  9. irish molly

    irish molly Maintaing LT loss on GL

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    You are in a hard place right now. The bingeing and vomiting must stop now. But you know that or you would not have shared this with the forum. Tanya is right that you were so focused to stay on LT whilst going through all that has been happening for you. Perhaps that is the nub of the thing. Losing weight and focussing on LT kept you occupied and distracted from focussing on the things that really upset you. What are you thinking of when you are scoffing the goodies, is it your hubby, the past and or fear of the future???? These are perhaps the things you need to address.
    I agree that relying on TFR is not the way forward for you as you are now at a very healthy weight. LT cannot be a crutch.
    Find a good friend who will listen to you and who knows you well enough to advise you. As Anne Marie said, perhaps ask your pharmacist to point you in the right direction for help on the bingeing.
    Cut yourself some slack, you have been through some lifechanging times, job, house, hubby and weight are all an awful lot to cope with. You are a good person who has achieved a lot so do not be hard on yourself.
     
  10. Yasmine

    Yasmine One last chance

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    I just felt like something was repeating itself, I can't say that I know how you feel with your seperation from your husband, but I do fully understand and sympathise with the binge and forcing to throw up, that is the exact same path I went down on and I am telling you right now, you must stop!

    STOP RIGHT NOW!

    Please think very carefully about what you are doing, because if this is anything like me, you will gain every single pound you lost and completely lose control.

    You're lucky it was only 2lbs, I gained much more than that in such a short space of time, but then again, I didn't refeed as long as you did, so you know what? you're pretty safe and fine. All you can do is just forget the bing, take a deep breath, tomorrow is a new day, start again.

    I hope you don't find that I'm being too hard on you, it's just that I know what it's like to do this to yourself and then completely ruin everything and return to when you first started.

    I was on LT for 6 months for on my first try, all that was wasted. Please, don't fret over something that can easily be fixed, so you gained 2lbs, it's most likely water and will disapear if you eat healthily like the way you did in the beginning. You've done so well and are still doing well.

    We all have occasional blimps where we give in to a little temptation but then carry on as normal. Take a look at people like JanD and Kered (Mary). They've had gains here and there, but then they pick themselves up and start again, and then the weight comes off pretty much the fo0llowing week or two.

    Please, don't make the same mistake that I did. It really is the worst thing you can do. Just get into the right frame of mind, you can do it. I didn't, and I ended up with obsessive cumpulsive eating disorder, eating everything in site without any emotional feeling towards anything that I was doing. All control is just non exitant, and it's really hard to go back on LT when you're in that state.

    Right now, what you need to do is just to study yourself you could say. What and why are the reasons that you end up binging?

    Stress? boredom? happy? sad? you need to ask yourself this and if you find the source of some of your eating habits, you can find ways to fight them. Find something to do that will distract yourself away from food. This is one of the many lessons of maintenance that we need to learn.

    When I'm here with you guys maintaining, I feel that I am more prepared and will experiment with my body, see how it flows, weight gains and losses from what I eat and take note of that.

    In a way, it's very benificial, it is hard, but it can be done, many have, and you are no exception.

    Best of luck sweets :hug99: lots of hugs, stay strong.
     
    Last edited: 9 November 2009
  11. liz0703

    liz0703 Silver Member

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    That's just it though. I never have any 'rubbish' food in the house. My boys are deprived children lol, they can have their junk food when they go to nana's!! I never have crisps, cakes, chocolate etc in the house, I try to give them a healthy, balanced diet- and try to avoid any temptation on my part. I actually went out, or should I say sneaked out to buy my 'binge foods', waited til the boys were in bed, then ate, and ate and ate.... they would have been so disappointed if they had seen me.

    Definately decided 2 shakes/1 meal from today. Its only until next Friday, not forever. Have my work's night out next Sat, then 1 shake/2 meals therafter for a few weeks. Hopefully this will enable me to re focus.

    Thanks Tan, your a star x
     
  12. Scotsmist

    Scotsmist Life is not a Rehersal!

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    I cant add much Liz, but feel for you.
    My theory is that LT doesnt teach you about eating and staying healthy....I would be a liar if I said it did. The hard battle is after LT no matter what people say when they are on it (and I have said it too so I am not being nasty about people)!

    I have started 2 shakes/1 meal this week, not because I love LT, but to get focus and some normality but I plan to do this for 2 weeks maximum then I will STOP having an unhealthy fear of carbs and eat carbs daily. I have an eating disorder that has resurfaced (thinking I had beaten it whilst on LT).

    Learn to just relax around food somehow (but when you learn this, pass it to me) :)

    I read a little thing today on the train,,it was about how people who eat low carb are depressed more than those on a low fat diet...because we deprived ourselves of the comfort food, which isnt necessarily bad! It spoke volumes, but it was only 2 or 3 sentenced long.....(some study was done over a year).

    Wish I could wave a magic wand for you sweetie, but step back and just start to enjoy life a little as you have done so well and taken a bit of a battering this past year, but have lots to look forward to.

    Take care
     
  13. liz0703

    liz0703 Silver Member

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    It has made me feel slightly better sharing what's been happening. Reading it back has hopefully made me put things in perspective, and try to change the situation.

    Not sure what goes through my mind when I am binging, the taste, the nice foods, then the guilt!!! It's just not worth it!!
     
  14. liz0703

    liz0703 Silver Member

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    I don't mind you being hard on me. I need a good kick up the back side, and yes I am lucky it was 'only' 2lbs, could have been a lot worse, although in comparison to the losses I have experienced for the past 7 months, 2lbs is an awful lot to me. I will do my damndest to make sure it is all gone for next week!!

    All those feelings you mention I have thought, stressed, sad, lonely, angry. I am fine during the day, it is just at night when the boys have gone to bed, the house is quiet, I buy my 'stash' during the day, and it keeps me going, my treat, something I can look forward at the end of the day. I know I need to get out of that terrible habit, and hopefully today I will be doing, and not let it return!!

    Thanks again for your thoughts, and taking the time to reply, i appreciate it
     
  15. liz0703

    liz0703 Silver Member

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    The first 4 weeks or so of re feed, I didn't feel deprived of foods. I said when I was on LT I would steer clear of the 'bad' foods thinking I had survived without them for this long, I didn't need them. This last week all I have been thinking about is the 'bad'(nice) foods!!!

    I am doing the 2 shakes/ 1 meal until next Friday (I love the shakes lol), but also to get rid of the excess shakes, and also to spend the next week or so re evaluating where I have gone wrong, and trying to come up with a plan to avoid it in the future.

    What are you having for your evening meal? Are you steering clear of carbs, and just having protein, or you still having carbs?? I don't want to go into ketosis (I do, but I am out next sat with work so will be drinking, so I know this will be dangerous)

    Thanks again for your kind words, I do have a lot to look forward to, like you reminded me,and want to be able to enjoy it being thin!!!!

    If you do find that magic wand, send it my way too, and to everybody else who is struggling xx
     
  16. summergurl

    summergurl ♥3 Years Maintaining♥

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    I hope you get back on track soon liz :) :hug99:
     
  17. Redhead

    Redhead Full Member

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    I have done LT a couple of times this year and have managed to maintain what I lost but still haven't reached where I want to get. I don't have the time (don't want to make time!) to do LT before Christmas due to lots of functions so was going to wait and start in the new year. However, talking to one of the Mum's at my daughter's bus stop she has just had acupuncture for weight loss. Her in-laws all had it done and have lost weight and she had lost 11lbs in 2 weeks. It is only done at by one acupuncturist in the UK with the method he uses. He puts a suture in your ear and you twiddle it for 30 seconds between 5-45 mins before you eat. Thought it sounded too good to be true but booked in whilst on my holiday at Centerparcs last week. Have to say, it appears to be working, it resets your appetite to what your body should ACTUALLY eat, not what you feed it. The clinic was called Morningside Acupuncture Clinic and is in Hebden Bridge, HX7 6ND. It cost £110. Might be worth looking at to keep control of your diet. Apparently he has never had to advertise his services, just word of mouth and he has celebrity clients.

    Keep up the good work and you have done wonderfully well in keeping it together with all that you have been through.
     
  18. liz0703

    liz0703 Silver Member

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    I tried acupuncture to give up smoking, and didn't find it helped at all. I think there will probably be something like that near me, I will look it, and let you know, thanks for the suggestion, willing to try anything!!! Good luck with your journey
     
  19. Yasmine

    Yasmine One last chance

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    Not at all liz. I too used to buy secret stashes of food myself, but you know what? because you're doing it in secret, it makes it worse and makes you feel like you're doing something extremely bad and making seem worse than the situation actually is. I didn't want my family to see me as a failure, so I ate in secret, and began to create this thing in my head that food is not something to enjoy, it's something bad and I can't have it much because I'll be fat again.

    You have to learn to be comfortable with eating in front of others, if not, then you will create this sort of ritual of secret binges and you will slowly lose yourself.

    I hope you feel better today. What you should do, you can do this with your family too, is have an off day, or have a treat for the weekend. What I plan to do when I maintain after a long while is eat healthily during the week and on weekends, just enjoy myself. It's the depriving of foods that your body wants that makes it worse. You can't avoid them forever, because, as you've experienced, you binge on it.

    :hug99: good luck hun, today is another day :D
     
  20. liz0703

    liz0703 Silver Member

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    Thanks, am going to stay strict until next Friday (try to anyway!!!), and hopefully lose any excess. A friend at work does what you suggested, eat healthily during the week (she is a firm follower of sw), and eats what she wants at weekends, she weighs the same as me, and has been up and down with her weight also, but she appears to have maintaned now for a few months, does no exercise, I am so envious of her!!! Hopefully, I get to the stage where I can do that. Just hope I can control myself and not go overboard!! Need to try and stick to the motto one day at a time!

    I don't mind eating healthy food in front of other people, it's the unhealthy stuff that I don't like doing, the comments will come 'should you be eating that', 'the weight will all come back on if you carry on', so would rather 'treat' myself,for now in private, where I can enjoy it. Need to stop the 'treats' for the time being though!! Like you say it's the fear of being percieved as a failure that is scary!!

    Feeling a tad bettter today, determined not to have a binge (have been doing it for over a week now!!!), not had my second shake, so feeling a bit perkish, had 1st one at 10 30, will have 2nd about 4pm, as working til 8, and tea about 9ish- then probably to bed to avoid any mistakes!!!!
     
  21. Yasmine

    Yasmine One last chance

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    Good on ya Liz, I'm glad you're feeling better :hug99:

    Yes, it's the unhealthy things that we feel more ashamed of, that's what I was getting at. Even though I was eating some healthy thigns my mum would make comments too, which made me feel that food is bad.

    But who are we doing this for? ourselves? or other people?.

    I really don't care about what others have to say anymore, because as long as I know what I'm doing, and what I'm doing is in my best interest, who cares what others say? prove to them, but more importantly to yourself that you can live a normal life with food. Whether it be celery with hoummus, or cake with custard. :)

    It does take time for us to adjust to our new bodies and eating habits, this is why I said that this is a learning process. We'll go up, and we'll go down and back up again etc. That's how weight stabalises, you can't expect the numbers on the scales to stay the same. As long as it's in a certain range, you're fine.

    For instance, I want to get down to, lets say 9 1/2 stone, if I get to their and my weight stays between that to 10 stone, it's all good. :)
     
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