The Ladies Rest Room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by Hedgemag, 18 September 2007 Social URL.

  1. Hedgemag

    Hedgemag Cambridge Diet Counsellor

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    you may need to stop at the women's restroom . . . be prepared!When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

    Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

    You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
    In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

    To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
    You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

    Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

    At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

    You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

    You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
    This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

    This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
    :D:D
     
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  3. Sambucca

    Sambucca Gold Member

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  4. Marie_D

    Marie_D Gold Member

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    Hahahahaha!! Brilliant!!!
     
  5. Allan G

    Allan G Gold Member

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    :DThats answered a few questions, god it`s easy being a man, just stand their, do the business quick shake and away again, quick and simple :D
     
  6. Mrs Depp

    Mrs Depp Gold Member

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    Hahaha! So funny! That bit with the puffed up tissue - brilliant!! :D


    Allan, I hope you wash your hands after that "quick shake"! :eek::eek:
     
  7. Allan G

    Allan G Gold Member

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    :D Always, more than three shakes is classed as pleasure, so if the fella next to shakes for to long, it`s time to leave :p
     
  8. Mrs Depp

    Mrs Depp Gold Member

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    LOL LOL :D:D:D:D
     
  9. Mrs Roch

    Mrs Roch Silver Member

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    Very Funny and so accurate...
     
  10. Hedgemag

    Hedgemag Cambridge Diet Counsellor

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    Allan had to lower the tone as usual...:D
     
  11. fatpossum

    fatpossum Silver Member

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    Where was the camera last time I visited the loo in M & S?!!!

    The only thing missing was reference to closing that loo door and turning around only to find a great turd floating in the bowl. :eek:

    A turd which does not belong to you but which will not flush - you don't feel you can come out again because the next person in will think it's yours!! If you do decide to vacate (the cubicle, not the bladder!) you could say "that isn't mine" but you know that no one will believe you. The only other option would be to cover the offending aticle with toilet paper but as already observed - there isn't any!!

    Only solution is to wait until closing time and then slip out. Make sure you have a mobile so that you can let family and friends know you are okay but that you 'might be some time'!!!!
     
  12. Hedgemag

    Hedgemag Cambridge Diet Counsellor

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    :D:D:D:D There is always 1 that won't flush!! Don't have that problem on CD as not alot to get rid of, thank goodness.... LOL :D
     
  13. Allan G

    Allan G Gold Member

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    :D Just giving the male side of things, in NTK a club in Blackpool they have Mini TVs above the urinals that show Adult movies :eek:
     
  14. peackie

    peackie Full Member

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    FUNNY BUT TRUE PMSL
     
  15. Hedgemag

    Hedgemag Cambridge Diet Counsellor

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    Was at Southampton Football stadium last night and had to use their loo's.......as I was having my wee...I started to think about this story. I started to laugh out loud, when I came out I was getting the most strange looks from a couple of women also waiting to go!!!

    Bet they thought I was some kind of nutter!! LOL
     
  16. Allan G

    Allan G Gold Member

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  17. Hedgemag

    Hedgemag Cambridge Diet Counsellor

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    The says goes.............It takes one to know one!!:D:D
     
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  19. Allan G

    Allan G Gold Member

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    :D Mind you at Southampton i would have done it on the floor, they are our most hated rivals :p
     
  20. Mrs Depp

    Mrs Depp Gold Member

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    Allan is the King of Nutters!! lol:D:D
     
  21. Allan G

    Allan G Gold Member

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    :D Who poor sweet little inocent me?? you lot have corrupted me :rolleyes:
     
  22. Mrs Depp

    Mrs Depp Gold Member

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    Yeah, we forced you to come in here with your double entendres and your dirty jokes didn't we? :D:D

    Face it, you're a tart! lol:D
     
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