Thoughts on one child familys?

[debtin]

Hi everyone, this is something that is on my mind a lot and just wondered about your thoughts of only children. Are only children "lonely" children like a lot of folk suggest, is it selfish to only have/want one child?
I have one child, was never particualry broody as such but one day we decided we did want a baby, we tried and very fortunately we succeeded. Whilst pg i didnt ever think i would only have one baby, that i was going to have more as it would be "nice" for him/her to have a sibling. Since my baby, who was brilliant and never had any "real" problems with, i have never felt the need for another baby. Yes i think the whole new baby stage is lovely and sometiimes think it would be nice to have the feelings of birth etc again but the baby stage passes and those babies become little people so it doesnt last forever.
A big thing for me is finances, i dont see how i could have another baby and afford to survive as the way things are just now it is a struggle. I would like to give one baby nice things rather than struggle with two. Some people tell me "you cut your cloth accordingly" and you would "make do" if money was the issue. WHilst its not the only issue for me, i dont think "making do" and struggle to pay the bills is sensible.
As i said i dont have the urge for another baby but at times when i see my brothers kids playing (they fight as well of course) i think maybe i am being selfish?
ONly child friends i have spoken to the majority said they loved it, only two say they hated it. I know this is a personal and individual thing but just wondered on everyones thoughts on it?
Has anyone decided to have only one child through choice? What was your reasons or are you an only child?
i have a brother and sister and we are very close - maybe this is why i think about it a lot more
thanks

 

[Lucia Lucia]

It's a hard question. I think there are pro's and con's.

I have a very close friend who is an only child. She is in her mid forties now and never married. Her Father died early and her mother is now almost 80 and not in the best of health. She feels a real sense of being alone in the world.

I have 3 children and feel I can never ever give them the level of attention they need. I feel I have to spread myself so thinly, I have a sense of not getting it right so there are many arguments for and against.

 

[Ally89]

I was/am an only child, i have a lot of friends but i still enjoy my own company, i'd willingly stay home rather than go out (unless it involves a concert), and i'd rather do things on my own than with a group etc. But i think it depends on the child/person not how many siblings they have i know many people with no siblings who love being around people, i just perfer my own company and would probably be the same even if i had 20 siblings.

I have a very close friend who is an only child. She is in her mid forties now and never married. Her Father died early and her mother is now almost 80 and not in the best of health. She feels a real sense of being alone in the world.

I do get the sense of being lonely sometimes though but mostly cos my 2 best friends one lives a 9 hour flight away and the other is an hour drive away, so I do get the lonely feeling and struggle with it sometimes, but 95% i prefer being on my own

 

[Starlight]

Id have hated to be an only child. It was great when you were on holiday, or away for the day to always have someone with you or the days we werent allowed out to play my brother and I entertained ourselves. As weve got older we're a lot closer. My dad died suddenly a few years ago and that not only brought us closer but we both helped mum and were there for each other.

My dad was an only child and his one regret was never having a sibling, I dont know how often he said that over the years.

I take my nieces on holiday a couple of times a year. When I took Emma on her own she was an awful lot more work than now that Ciara goes with us too. The 2 of them play together happily for hours, theyre happy as Larry in each others company and Im sure Emma enjoys the holiday more too.

ive heard several friends who are only children saying they wish they had a sibling, Ive never heard friends who have siblings say they wish they were an only child

 

[Shirleen]

I can't really answer this as I have five brothers (ones a step brother) and two sisters! The older sister and brother didn't grow up with us, I'm the eldest of the three in my mums marriage to my dad), and the other three we've never had much to do with, so really I grew up in a trio!
Three of them (my mums kids) have at least four children one has six (two step children).
I have two, (that makes me odd)that are five years apart, I would have had two more but hubby wasn't keen and my second miscarriage was traumatic.
To be honest I think you should be 100% sure it's what you want, do you have the emotional energy for two children? Mine constantly go on about each other being 'the golden child' as each have been spoiled in different ways lol!

I had a rubbish childhood and the only reason I'm as sane as I am is because of my brothers, we were born in three years so very close in age and we were pretty feral! But my bros are still keeping me sane! One is practical the other my double in humour!

That's my experience, I have no opinion apart from being 100% sure x

 

[kelly_sw]

I am an only child + I can say I have never felt like I have missed out because of that. My mum really struggled to fall pregnant + had 4 miscarriages before me so she + my dad decided to stop at one. On family holidays, days out ect, I would take a friend along + I became very close to my cousins so I suppose I felt as though I had a brother/sister around most of the time. I do really enjoy my own company but I do also believe that is down to each person not because I'm an only child.
Though of course everyone feels different + has different experiences.

 

[kingleds]

I have no experience of being an only child, but did want to say I wish more people would consider the practicalities, i.e. how will we afford them??, as you have when it comes to how many children they have. I have so many friends who have 2 or 3 children & complain about having no money/ not going on nice holidays etc as a result. It always frustrates me!

 

[jamjar15]

I am an only child and when my son was born 12 years ago I knew that I didn't want him to be an only child like me, but due to various circumstances (being a single mum for almost 9 years) then finally meeting someone I'd like to have another child with (who can't have anymore kids) it just hasn't happened

 

[donna88]

If you don't want another child then its not selfish not to have one, personally if your only reasons for having one would be so your current child isn't an only child AND you also think you can't afford another one, then I wouldn't worry about it. Lots of people are only children and are very happy.

Personally I would like another child eventually but I don't want one right now and to be honest if someone said you can have another child right now otherwise you'll never have one, I wouldn't have one. I'm very lucky to have my son and I'm so glad I do have him. I think if I do have another child later in life that will be great but if not then whats wrong with that?

 

[fillymum]

My son is an only child. He is married himself now and has 2 children.

I asked him if he felt he had missed anything by being an only child. His answer was that he had a perfectly happy childhood and never felt he had missed anything. Our home was always an open house for his friends right up to him leaving for university. I was so happy to have his friends in our home as I always knew where he was and who he was with.

He is a well balanced adult and adores his wife and 2 kids.

Your practical reasons for not having another child are the right ones. I agree 100% with what Kingsled has said.

Our reasons for not having anymore were because we could not have more after having our son and I am so thankful we had him.

You sound a sensible and loving parent.

 

[mommyB]

Firstly I would say that it's very much a personal choice and there are no right or wrong answers. I am an only child and when i was younger very quite lonely, I would've loved a sibling to play with tho this was perhaps made worse by the fact that there werent many kids my age around where we lived ,plus I was painfully shy. On the plus side I was spoilt wrotten by my parents and grandparents. I think my parents would have liked more but it just didnt happen.
It really hasnt been a problem since my mid teens and I came out of myself a bit, until now. As my parents have aged and my mum sadly passed away last year I have missed having someone to share some of the load. I know that assumes that my sibling would do that- I know plenty families where it still all falls to one member.
For my part I always said when I had kids, I wanted more than one if it worked out that I could and I have 2 lovely daughters but they really bicker alot and that drives me nuts LOL

There are 2 sides to it all and you really can only make the choice that feels right for you and it's no one elses business !

 

[debtin]

THanks so much for your replies everyone. Twice I have written replies and second time my phone battery died. PRob just as well as I was rambling.
Fillymum thank you for that...I needed it.
You have all given me food for thought and I do speak it out in work too. I have found more and more one child familys whereby it was the parents personal choice not to have more. Only one where it would have been nice but it sadly wasn't happening.
When I get paid I pay out more to the nursery than I bring home. This won't always be the case but if I decided on one more (who knows it could be twins) this would be the case for at least six more years. I would like to give my child opportunities I didn't have...not spoil, far from it but see places, know more, do more..I know financially we couldn't with any more kids. I know one person who would say money doesn't matter but she has two kids by two diff dads, hasn't worked legally her whole life, gets hand outs and free nursery places to sit at home while I pay for mine while I work...yes love if we all got that we would have loads kids each!!
Sorry I am ranting. Noone knows what future holds esp financially but I know our situation as it is now and we have good months and really bad months depending on oh jobs and weather. I feel more selfish to bring another child into our lives knowing we can't afford it.
I think your either close to your sibling or not...yes that's obvious but to have another for that reason is a gamble.
Donna, you said something that stuck...that given a choice of having one right now or not at all...I would agree and say I was the same. I would say no thanks. I genuinely love my baby...I just don't want any more. I am undecided in everything and also very sensitive so others opinions do count. Sometimes to give no reason for not wanting more makes me feel like I am cold and not the mothering type...even tho that's not me.
I guess its very individual and no conclusive answer. It just plays on my mind and rears its ugly head from time to time.
One girl I know loved being only child, she said she gets so much from her parents and they prob pushed her more in life in terms of mingling and getting involved. We prob need to be slightly more hands on but that's not a problem.
I just would hate a big age gap and now he is two and half I start to think more about it
Thanks again everyone x

 

[mommyB]

There will always be something to play on your mind mate, As I said we have 2 girls and I constantly worry if my hubby would've liked a son !! I'm sure if we'd had one of each I'd find something else to beat myself up about LOL

 

[babybuffy84]

THanks so much for your replies everyone. Twice I have written replies and second time my phone battery died. PRob just as well as I was rambling.
Fillymum thank you for that...I needed it.
You have all given me food for thought and I do speak it out in work too. I have found more and more one child familys whereby it was the parents personal choice not to have more. Only one where it would have been nice but it sadly wasn't happening.
When I get paid I pay out more to the nursery than I bring home. This won't always be the case but if I decided on one more (who knows it could be twins) this would be the case for at least six more years. I would like to give my child opportunities I didn't have...not spoil, far from it but see places, know more, do more..I know financially we couldn't with any more kids. I know one person who would say money doesn't matter but she has two kids by two diff dads, hasn't worked legally her whole life, gets hand outs and free nursery places to sit at home while I pay for mine while I work...yes love if we all got that we would have loads kids each!!
Sorry I am ranting. Noone knows what future holds esp financially but I know our situation as it is now and we have good months and really bad months depending on oh jobs and weather. I feel more selfish to bring another child into our lives knowing we can't afford it.
I think your either close to your sibling or not...yes that's obvious but to have another for that reason is a gamble.
Donna, you said something that stuck...that given a choice of having one right now or not at all...I would agree and say I was the same. I would say no thanks. I genuinely love my baby...I just don't want any more. I am undecided in everything and also very sensitive so others opinions do count. Sometimes to give no reason for not wanting more makes me feel like I am cold and not the mothering type...even tho that's not me.
I guess its very individual and no conclusive answer. It just plays on my mind and rears its ugly head from time to time.
One girl I know loved being only child, she said she gets so much from her parents and they prob pushed her more in life in terms of mingling and getting involved. We prob need to be slightly more hands on but that's not a problem.
I just would hate a big age gap and now he is two and half I start to think more about it
Thanks again everyone x

Wow just had to reply your story is so much like mine my little girl is 2 and a half too and were at the point where after lots off going back and forth have decided that we're not going to have another child financially we couldn't afford it at the mo we are comfortable can still afford holidays and treats but if we had another I would have to give up work and I Defo can't afford that,I had a miscarriage before my little girl so I count my lucky stars I have her and can afford to give her a great life and all the attention she needs !! X

 

[debtin]

Wow just had to reply your story is so much like mine my little girl is 2 and a half too and were at the point where after lots off going back and forth have decided that we're not going to have another child financially we couldn't afford it at the mo we are comfortable can still afford holidays and treats but if we had another I would have to give up work and I Defo can't afford that,I had a miscarriage before my little girl so I count my lucky stars I have her and can afford to give her a great life and all the attention she needs !! X

Sorry to hear that and I know we were very lucky first time round. Who is to say it would be so easy or happen at all next time. We survive but can't afford hols abroad yet. If oh job was more salary based and secure wm could prob do more things and loosen the belt but its not enough to warrant a second baby....esp if my main reason was to lessen my guilt at my son being an only child.
My partner worked away mon to Fri during my pregnancy and about six weeks after little one was born so pretty much did the hard months on my own. This resulted in me finding it hard to let go and let him take control or do things I wouldn't when he was home. In hindsight I didn't mind him being away. It gave me a routine and he had no choice and it was fine at the time, I guess when I think about it I was pretty much alone and when folk have more than one or are planning more I am envious that they know they have a support group or person behind them
I know am lucky x

 

[bunnylovesalan]

I wish I was an only child, I know that is selfish but I was autisitic and the hassle with siblings with they way they treated me was dier. Both my parents have mental health problems and I don't see either of them and I do believe they should of had one or none at all. I think it is a personal choice and only you can decide.

 

[Sculls]

I have a (nearly) 10 year old daughter and I am a single mum! I would love to have more children but have never settled (there is still time hopefully I am 32) and my daughter would absolutely love a brother or sister, she is very loving! However I don't think she has ever been lonely! She is very confident and we holiday a lot and she always meets an army of friends! I always allow her to invite friends over or to come out with us and we enjoy lots of things just the two of us xx

 

[Minimunchkins]

My daughter was my only child. > I don't recall any deep & meaningfuls with her dad to discuss the matter but I just couldn't imagine another little person calling me mummy so we never had any more!
As an adult, she's told me that growing up she always thought she'd like a sibling but, she also realised that if she had, she wouldn't have had half the opportunities that she did enjoy. > She wasn't spoilt & she never turned out to be on her own much either - our house was the one all the other kids drifted to & I often felt like I had a full brood at mealtimes & bedtimes! > She recons she had the best of both worlds because she could be on her own whenever she choose.
My daughter now has 3 of her own & I know she loves the bones of them but she's always so tired & wishes she could spend more fun/quality time with each of them individually - it's just so difficult (especially as her eldest has been diagnosed with ASD) & there isn't enough hours in the day.

Rather than thinking you're being selfish if you only have one child, I think the people (not always couples) who go on having child after child when they can't afford them, are the selfish ones.

 

[jaylou]

My daughter is an only child, I only ever wanted one. My thoughts were that I could give one child all I could, no going without, no having to do for another what I did for one and no struggling financially. I also felt I just couldn't love a second child the way I loved my first.
I grew up with a sibling and we didn't get along, I was always second fiddle. Maybe that shaped my decision, maybe not, but I hated it.

My daughter is not spoilt nor selfish and she is not lonely. She spends hours on her own and doesn't crave company, but she enjoys her wide circle of friends.

The only time she misses company is on holiday, we just take a friend along sometimes. Even with a sibling I was still lonely on holiday!!!

I can afford new uniform each year, extensive child care fees, all school trips and whatever else she needs. She doesn't get all she wants, she has pocket money for that!!

My decision to have one child was both financial and selfish but I don't regret it at all. Now she is a teenager people have finally stopped asking me when I'm having a second!!

Long post I know , but just wanted to let you know my thoughts. Having children, however many, is personal and no one should say you're right or wrong.