Triggering other people's stuff

[Enough]

Hi

I'm just wondering the best, kindest, way to handle my colleague. She seems to be finding it difficult that I'm losing weight, and I don't think she realises yet because I think she thinks she's being supportive with all of her over-interest and enthusiasm and frequent comments, and reading the side of my lunch pots, and asking me about how much I'm planning to lose and thinking that aiming for 10 stone (at 5'4") is too much.

I'm going to have to find a gentle way to explain that I'm not finding it helpful. Today I just said that at 15 stone, it's a while until my goal weight is of any relevance anyway, and that naturally helped us move on to get on with our work.

I'm usually fine with assertiveness, but this is too sensitive an issue for me, and I started feeling cross and vulnerable, so healthy conversation felt a bit too much to attempt.

Advice very welcome

 

[Georgiestar]

10 st isnt unreasonable its still within the healthy range. I'm also 5ft 4ish. Perhaps its best just not to mention anything weight related. Ive been in an office environment and women tend to gossip. Im one of those people that keeps my head down and gets the work done, trying not to join in. As sometimes they end up talking about each other and it can back fire.

I know what you mean about the social pressure I havent told my boyfriends family that im losing weight incase they say that I dont need to. Im not over doing it or anything just want to be more happier in own skin ive also been at my goal weight which it 10st a few times and been quite happy.

I suppose you should say how you feel but its difficult not to hurt peoples feelings.

 

[Enough]

You're on to something there! Last time I was finding it hard sharing an office with her I decided to take up French and started listening to French lessons on headphones Time to take up french again! Bien entendu!

 

[Georgiestar]

Lol buona idea. I like studying Italian ;-)

 

[Enough]

I use Duo-lingo - It's free and it's fun - it's amazing! - I really like it! - plus french songs (easier for work) - which I translate/write down, hen just listen to on repeat - seems to work!

 

[Enough]

I've been thinking - it's not only one specific colleague, I'm wondering if there's a way to let people know that just because I'm losing weight, I don't suddenly want it to be an over riding topic of conversation, especially with my little girl around - she doesn't need it. I don't need it. I'm not sure how to say it though.

 

[Enough]

I'm thinking of putting this on my facebook - Could you give me some edited alternatives?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because I know you care (otherwise you'd not be a fb friend)
and because you're not a mind-reader..

Thank you to the various people who have complimented me on weight loss recently. It's early days, and it's a difficult subject for me.
You're not a mind reader (and we all want different types of support at different times), so I thought you might like some clarity.

- These are the best ways to support me at the moment:
- I'm wanting this to be REALLY low key.
- I actually prefer not talking about it at all, but especially not in front of T.
- I'm doing this in a way that works for me, with support in place that works for me. I'm happy with what I'm doing. It's safe and it's healthy.
- I'm conscious that any comments I've had from friends have been entirely thoughtful, supportive and well intended. Thank you.
- I'd just like everything to be normal, please. No need to feel awkward or comment (eg if I bring food with me, or politely turn down a biscuit etc)
- Just ask yourself if it's what you would have said to me at any other time, and that might work as a guide.

- Please let's just talk about something more interesting

--------------------------

What do you think?

 

[tipperary]

I don't know what to say to her.

For me weight loss is a very personal thing and is a health issue. I don't discuss my health with people therefore I wouldn't discuss my weight with them. My SIL is obsessed about weight, every conversation she has with everyone she will talk about their weight. She has completed a nutritionists course and has become worse as now she is a "professional expert". The first thing she now mentions is your weight and recommends what you should do about in front of everyone and diagnose other health conditions for you too and lectures you about them. I met her at a family event one time and had dressed well for it, her first comment was "you look really well, you must have lost weight". I hadn't lost any weight at all, I was dressed nice, hair done and good makeup. So I said this...she insisted in front of a room full of people that my weight had changed and everyone then critically started looking at me to see if they could see a difference. My reply to her then was that I didn't have a weight obsession like she had and that it wasn't a topic for conversation. Another time I met her she started on about other health issues she was diagnosing I had, again in front of a room full of people...my reply now is my health is between me and my doctor and none of her business. And that if she feels discussing someones health publicly is good policy then she needs to inform her nutrition clients that she will be talking about them to others.

Could you simply say to your colleague that your weight loss efforts are private and personal and not an office topic for discussion.
If she doesn't back off then the next time you are both with lots of colleagues then very loudly ask her if her new haemorrhoid cream is working as she still seems to be sitting uncomfortably...this should show her that some things are not for discussion.

As for Facebook, well I don't use it anymore, I found most people used it as a way to get digs at others thinking they were being funny or smart and not realising how upsetting they could be. I closed my Facebook account with a major long winded rant about how it turned people into bullies and stalkers and how Facebook shouldn't be an opportunity to feel you had the right to interfere in peoples lives. After I did Facebook contacted me asking if I had any serious issues or threats that they needed to follow up on and offered me advice on contacting the police. I explained it was just an family issue. But I have found that posting anything on Facebook makes it a bigger issue rather than a smaller one...just my experience.

Let us know how you get on, I am sure it is something many of us will face at some stage.

 

[Georgiestar]

Its obviously bothering you a lot. Its annoying when people keep talking about it! They could even be jealous.

I have a similar problem but with jobs. Ive been in and out of various jobs because of my dyslexia and not having the right experience. Anyway i went on holiday for 3 weeks recently because i have a bit of savings, various family members asked me how i could afford it and they always ask me about jobs. Last night they were talking about saving money in front of me. For me saving money is impossible to do right now.

 

[Enough]

I ended up posting something much better on fb, but the idea was similar - the responses have been wonderful, and I feel quite freed up now.

 

[Georgiestar]

Thats good ;-)

 

[Lottie12]

I think your FB post above was really genuine and sensitive and anyone reading it could not be offended in any way. You ( very cleverly ) made it all about you and raised no criticisms towards others. You worded it beautifully yet made your position clear. I hope you didn't edit it too much. I wonder if you could cherry pick bits of it to say to your colleague or better still find a way for her to read it.

 

[Enough]

This is what i put:

How do you say publicly that you want to keep something low-key? It's a contradiction, but hopefully a helpful one.

- I'm going on a health kick and, at this time, for me, this is the best way to support me:
- Please don't publicly compliment me, especially in front of T. I know compliments come from a thoughtful and caring place. It's nice to celebrate people's successes. The absolute best way to support me at the mo though, is actually by not talking about how I'm looking, or my health or weight or diet.
- There's no need to feel uncomfortable if you're eating and I'm not. I'm genuinely very happy with my healthy choices.
- Feel free to txt/whatsapp for clarification if you're not sure.
- THANK YOU, in advance. I know you care, and none of us are mind-readers, hence me deciding to put this here.
- Hopefully we can quietly celebrate your much-appreciated contribution to my improved physical health with a knowing look or the odd text here and there.

I think i might follow your advice re my colleague

 

[tipperary]

Let us know how you get o with her

 

[Enough]

Will do - she was fine at the end of last week, so that was promising - it was the start of the week she was really struggling. Here's hoping that's the end of the story, but I'm slowly generating some nice sentences that I'll only use in conversation if she brings it up.
Fictional conversation C=colleague, E=Enough:
C: How's it going?
E: Good thanks I have some really interesting clients at the mo
C: You're looking great. How's the weight loss going?
E: Fine. Sometimes it's easier than others.
C: oh? when's it easy/hard?
E: dunno, it varies. It's definitely harder if I don't have much to do in a day or if I think about it too much.
C: yeah, I'm the same, but then you have to think about it all the time once you're at my stage otherwise it all just goes back on.
E: That sounds hard. At my stage I just need to get my head down, get caught up in my work or whatever and not think about it too much.
Talking of which, I've taken French back up and that's really helping. You're good at French aren't you? Fancy teaching me the odd word now and again?

/\ Writing that made me realise - she doesn't actually soften the introduction like that. She actually says things like "look at you, Skinny Mini!" in the corridor or on the stairs in front of colleagues and even in hearing distance of clients. I think that's the worst bit is that it's unpredictble and so excited when she's not like that about other things

 

[Georgiestar]

You should definitely have some answers to comments like skinny mini. I don't like all that attention even if she didn't mean it that way.