wedding plans vs family politics! grrrr

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by msblonde, 1 March 2010 Social URL.

  1. msblonde

    msblonde a new way of living!

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    Hi everyone,

    is it me, or is planning a wedding an invitation for family members to suddenly announce their hatred for one another??

    I had a dilema, I want my ten year neice to be a bridesmaid, and knew she would love to do it for me.

    unfortunately, she lives in kent, I live in devon, and my brother (her dad) lives in chichester. a bit of a logisical nightmare.

    OH had said from the start that we should invite her mom (my brothers ex wife) both my brother and his ex wife have remarried and both had children in their new marriages, and both happy and have moved on.

    when discussing the logistical nightmare of getting everyone to devon, my brother said 'there is no way I can travel from chicester to kent to devon' (he has a 3 year old - so would be a hell journey if he screamed all day) I suggested to him that he go to kent one day and to devon the next, but he said it was 'impossible' (wedding sept this year).

    so I said, well I was thinking of inviting kate (ex wife) as she is mother of bridesmaid and would be nice to see her daughter get dressed up like a princess (me and ex always go on well too) but I was unsure how you and sarah would feel with your ex there?...

    and my brother said 'oh I dont mind at all, and that would solve the problem of how to get her to devon, good idea!' I was delighted that a logisical issue had (subject to everyone being free and not on holiday etc) so I rang kate, asked if my neice could be bridesmaid and that her and hubby and new baby welcome too, etc, she was over the moon, my neice was excited, logisitcs sorted and school informed of a day off for neice (for travel the day before).

    all great eh? you would think so...

    so my dad had a fanny on him saying that my sister in law (brothers current wife) would not be happy, would prob not come, and not let my nephew be page boy! I was astounded and assured him he was mistaken as I had already asked my brother and he said all was good.

    so, worried now I contacted my brother and said that dad had an odd idea of ensuing problems.... expecting him to say bah! dont be daft, all is good as I said....

    you can see whats coming cant you!?

    yup, brother announced that he didn't mind at all but new wife would rather boil her head then share air space with his ex!

    I was like, so why did you tell me it was ok?!?!?!

    so a few weeks pass, and my mom (bless her) calms everyone down and sister in law is coming aparantly now and will 'behave but ignore' ex wife.

    fine, ok, not like we will all be sitting on the same table holding hands singing cum by are all evening, there is a table plan, wives and ex's at approprate distance, neice on top table so no arguments about who she sits with...

    all good??

    no, talking to my brother today, he has now told me that me inviting his ex is about as appropriate as asking everyone to turn up naked! although I asked him, and he encouraged me to invite her, he is now telling me there will be an atmosphere if not a row...

    ??? am I missing something here??

    so I remind him that I asked him and what he said and he said that he didn't think I would invite her, as would just not have a bridesmaid??? what???!?!!!????


    grrr!!!!!

    I am 39 years old on friday, I have never been married and never had kids, I feel like a last chance spinster who found a night in shining armour by good fortune, and I am being told that by wanting my neice as a bridesmaid and wanting her mum to see her look lovely and pretty on the day I am being inappropriate!

    now, dont get me wrong, I am not being insensitive. I did not invite ex without a long and frank discussion with brother, who assured me that all was well.. to invite her and not say and her turn up may well be classed as insensitive and inappropriate (although I struggle with this too to be honest, but would understand it better)

    I blooming well made a point to ask, to make sure, he was ok with it and assumed that he would of course be speaking for both him and new wife.

    also, they have both remarried, one did not dump one for the other, they are both post divorce relationships. and although I know there can be tension with sharing dates etc for children, all I want is about 3 hours of them to share air space, for my wedding.

    am I missing something here? can you ask a question, get a yes (with enthusiasm) and then have the rug pulled from under your feet the next moment?

    my mom doesn't get what is wrong with them, and said its not too much to ask for one day (not even half a day, late wedding, a meal and no evening bash)

    even my ex partner is coming (still good friends) and my brother is on good terms with his ex, even if only for the sake of their daughter.

    please someone help me make sense of this, I feel like telling them all to sod off and nipping up to gretna green!

    sorry for the long rant, I just dont get it.
     
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  3. tinkerbellsmum

    tinkerbellsmum Gold Member

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    (((( )))) i really feel for u hun. its your big day u should be getting excited not having to worry what everyone else wants. do what u want hun invite who ever u want if they have a problem its theres not yours. they r the ones that need to get over them selves and remember whos day it is.
    i think if u stuck to your guns your brother wouldn't want to miss your wedding so he would come.
    we got married in a reg office last year and only invited my sil and bro in law and there kids and said to everyone else if u want to come u can but only my dad came cause we didn't issue personal invites before the wedding i was sad i wasn't having a big thing cause thats what i thought i wanted but on the day it was amazing and so much more personally. i had my hair and make up done i had my daugther and nieces as bridesmaid they had dresses and i had a wedding dress dress and we had a posh meal at a nice hotel and then saw a show in butlins where we was staying and it was a amazing day went so fast though.
    hope u have a great day hun
     
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  4. eternity

    eternity Gold Member

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    Send out the invites and let them behave like silly children if they want to. You've invited everyone and it's up to them if they come.
    Tell your brother that he would be letting down you, his current wife and most importantly his daughter if there was a row. Be firm but kind as you tell him that you know that you can rely on him to help make sure that your wedding isn't an excuse to dredge up old upsets, especially as both parties are now happily re-married.
    Your brother probably doesn't mind his ex being there but his wife might be giving him a hard time about it. On the day they'll just be happy for you and hoping they have the best outfit between them. Really, it'll be fine.
     
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  5. suepat10

    suepat10 I am one of the 63336

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    Send out the invitations, remind everyone it's your day, it's up to you who you invite and how immature it would be for them to ruin a 10 year olds day (and obviously yours).

    My OHs ex is a total B**ch from Hell so your brother (and his current wife) should be counting their blessings and let by gones be by gones. I feel his current wife needs a bit of a shake up and think about how Kate's husband is going to feel - after all at the end of the day if anyone is an 'outsider' he is!!

    xx
     
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  6. msblonde

    msblonde a new way of living!

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    thanks guys, i really was beginning to think it was me.

    some people are just not happy unless they have an issue or gripe to go on about, or someone to have a pop at. I just feel so umimportant to them that their personal issues are more important than the biggest day of my life.

    my OH is getting fed up with them upsetting me (there is always somekind of family issue going on, and I tend to try and mediate and keep everyone happy, and end up getting blamed for something or another) so this time i said I am justy not getting involved in the politics and letting them get on with it.

    its so hard as they know how to hit my buttons to get me to react, but this is my wedding day, and I wont takes sides of choose 'x' over 'y'. its riddiculous. grrr

    still fuming. I am just not important to them, obviously.

    thanks guys
     
  7. Meli

    Meli Gold Member

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    I think you let everyone know how you feel, so wouldn't try to keep mediating between everyone. They just need to accept it and move on. You already expressed your wishes that you wanted to have both sides involved, so now the ball is in their court.
    Give it some time and they will come around. If they don't then don't blame yourself.
     
  8. suepat10

    suepat10 I am one of the 63336

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    But you're important to us.

    AND we WILL want photos and details of outfits, food, first dance etc etc!!
     
  9. msblonde

    msblonde a new way of living!

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    aw thanks sweetie. there will be lots of lovely slim me piccies posted on here and facebook! :D

    after losing 3 stone overnight obviously! :D

    OH is taking me away for the weekend to cheer me up, going to glastonbury :D

    I would love to just be able to let go and say fork them all, but I have a flaw that I try and make everyone happy, and end up making myself misrible! I know i cant win this one so - they will either get over it and come or not... just have visions of half my family missing though and its upsetting.

    grrr

    mmm may need chocolate again today
     
  10. alwyn

    alwyn Silver Member

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    I agree that it'll be your brother's current wife bending his ear about it. If it's such a big deal for her and his ex to "share air space" then she can always decline the invitation, can't she, and let your brother come on his own?

    At the end of the day, it's your wedding. It's the one day in your life where you get to pick the people you want to be there. If you want your niece to be bridesmaid and the only way that can realistically happen is to invite the ex and family, so be it.

    They're supposed to be adults, tell them to start acting like it.

    You could always cry in front of them, that makes people feel really guilty :D
     
  11. pesty

    pesty Fighting the bulge

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    Hello hun,

    Just caught up with your thread. I agree with Eternity. This is your day, and the only day that you are asking anything of any of them, they should be aware that this is about you and tbh i think they're all being really selfish.

    They should feel priveledged to be invited and respect whatever decision you make as to whom you invite. On YOUR day its YOUR choice.

    Sorry i seem a bit harsh but i feel really strongly about it, as things stand in my family my dads family hate my mum, my mum hates my dads new wife. My OH hate my mum his family backing him up, my dads family love my OH and my mums side have never met him. My 21st last year was a disaster!! I spent the entire time running around trying to make sure no-one felt awkward or that i was ignoring them and they were all trying to be with me so the other one couldnt - it was awful! It ruined my night...

    Lord knows what would happen if we got married!! (or back together for that matter!:()

    Whatever happens do what you want to do and dont let anyone else ruin it for you!

    xxxx
     
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  12. Gemmy_Lou

    Gemmy_Lou Full Member

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    I know you have had replies and I am probably just saying what everyone else has said but I am getting married in May and so really sympathise with this stress!!!

    If I were in your situation I would look and think I have 2 options...

    1. It is your wedding. You (hopefully) will only do this once. You deserve the most perfect day for you and your partner. You can invite who you want to your wedding. If others don't like they can decline your invite. However, if they are your friends/family and love you both and want to support you in your big day then they should want to be there regardless of other company.

    2. If you wanted to be more diplomatic why not explain the situation to your brothers ex and invite her and her new husband to the service and to the evening do? They then get to see their daughter be bridesmaid and enjoy your day with you. Your brothers new wife should be grateful that you have made this decision around her an accept she needs to share the air with her in the evening. But it will be dark so chances are they wont notice one another!

    I hope that helps in someway...
     
  13. msblonde

    msblonde a new way of living!

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    thanks sweetie. doesn't sound harsh at all, well not to me anyway.

    I have decided to send her (SIL) a message on fb, I was going to call, but I know when shes got a cob on she is too busy forming an argument in her head to listen, so I thought a message she has to read fully before responding.

    I am thinking the following: A) I assume that my brother is telling the truth and its not actually him thats feeling awkward, after all, his ex is a very successful business woman now, very proffessional, and his new wife is a stay at home mom, I think its great to be honest as she is a great mum, but maybe he feels self conscious or fearful of his wifes jealousy towards ex.
    b) SIL may not know that I asked my brother first, before inviting ex, and that he said it was ok. if he had said anything about all of this I would have thought about handling it different and maybe spoke to SIL first.

    so I will send her a nice message about how the planning is going well, looking forward to seeing everyone, and that I understand her feelings towards kate but explain that I didn't know at the time, and will plan the tables accordingly.

    I wont say you dont have to come, because she is a bit funny sometimes and will think I am telling her not to come. she manages to find a negative in almost anything.

    what do you think? worth a try? at least I get my side put across and feel that I have tried to be sympathetic to her.
     
  14. msblonde

    msblonde a new way of living!

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    thanks, all suggestions welcome!

    I prefer option 1 to be honest! :eek:

    I'm only having a small wedding with no evening do, there is just the service and the meal, no bash afterwards, there is only about 40 people coming, and most of OH family is methodist and no one drinks, and all getting on a bit so not into music playing etc, so would just be half a dozen from my side that would stay to a 'do'.

    we are looking at having a string quartet play though, its a bit expensive but less than an evening do, and also extra buffet would cost more too, so thnking of having quartet during meal, gently in the background. (also thought soft music would keep tensions down!)

    they are travelling over 4 hours to get here, so i'd feel back making them go so soon after service, also, I really do think its important that bridesmaids mom is there, when I was ten I was a bridesmaid and i've have been gutted to not have my mum there to see me.

    mmm option one defo best, but I will send that message and explain, it may drop my brother in the pan if he didn't tell her that he assured me it was ok. not that I want that outcome, but I also dont want her thinking that I just invited ex without a thought for her feelings.

    thanks for all your suggestions, and support, I'll let you know what happens next (worse than eastenders this is!)

    H xx
     
  15. Gemmy_Lou

    Gemmy_Lou Full Member

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    I agree that option 1 is better, just thought that it might be worth throwing another option in the mix!!

    The string quartet sound lovely! That will be so wonderful. I havent even thought of music during the meal...I will add that to the list!!

    Whatever you decide make sure you have the day you want and enjoy it!!
     
  16. msblonde

    msblonde a new way of living!

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    the message to SIL (deleted some names in case anyone knows the family, could be embarrassing! lol)



    Hope all is well. I noticed from your status that you have had a tummy bug recently, hope you are feeling better.


    I heard that you are not very happy about Kate being at the wedding, of course I understand this, I know things have been difficult at times.

    when we first decided to have x as a bridesmaid, OH said that we should invite Kate, as she is NIECE'S mother, and although I agreed I told him I was unsure how this would go down. we never really decided one way or another. Until that is BROTHER explained how the logistics of getting from Chichester to Kent to Devon would be too much for him, not to mention poor PAGE BOY, it would take all day!

    He was suggesting that I didn't have NIECE as bridesmaid, and this really upset me, I am almost 40 years old, I have never been married, never had children and having NIECE and NEPHEW there is important to me.

    I explained to BROTHER that OH and I were talking of inviting Kate, and that I was unsure how you would both feel, and asked if he minded. This solved two problems. Getting NIECE there, and also having her mum there to see how beautiful she would look. I am sure you understand this, as a mother yourself.

    BROTHER assured me that there was no problem in inviting Kate, he never mentioned that you would not be happy. well, to be honest I understand that there is no love lost between you and you would not excatly be over joyed to see her, but from BROTHERS assurance that all was ok, I just assumed that you would just probably give her a wide berth and enjoy the day with us.

    It was only later, after speaking to Kate and inviting her, and after a conversation with Dad saying 'SIL wont come if Kate is there' that I text BROTHER and said that dad had some weird notion that you would shun me on my wedding day for the sake of Kate being there. and BROTHER said 'yeah she probably wont come now'

    I was devestated, I am not the greatest person at keeping in touch but you are as close as i'll ever get to a sister, and I really want you at my wedding. I cired for about 3 days about it until I spoke to mom one day and she said not to worry as you were coming.

    then when talking to BROTHER yesterday, he said that inviting Kate was about appropriate as asking people to turn up in their underwear!

    I was upset and to be honest, angry. I specifially asked BROTHER if it was ok to invite Kate, we agreed a few weeks ago that seating NIECE on the top table would save any agro about who she sits with, mom or dad. I dont want you to think that I invited Kate without a thought for your feelings, because I did think, I did check, and I was told there was no problem.

    the joy of planning a wedding has been crushed over this, I get excited about it all, then I burst into tears over family politics. To be honest I am upset and annpoyed and angry. I didn't really think there were any issues within our family that could not be shelved for one day, a great day, my wedding day. The single most important day of my life.

    I understand your dislike for Kate, I am sure you understand my reasons for inviting her and wanting her there, and I do want her here, she is NIECE'S mum and should be there to see her.

    At the end of the day, Kate and her new family will be there, we are planning the seating to be sensitive to peoples feelings, BROTHER suggestion was to actually put you on the same table, but as this was after he told me how you feel, I thought it better to seat NIECE with us, rather than you share a table with them.

    I naturally want everyone at my wedding and I want it to be a fabulous and joyous day.

    I wanted to explain how this came about myself rather than hear second hand information about weather you are coming or not or weather there will be an atmosphere or not. On my wedding day the last thing I want to do is to be worrying about other peoples issues and differences.

    I am sure you understand this.

    I cannot wait to see NIECE and NEPHEW in their outfits as page boy and bridesmaid, they will look just lovely. Unless I manage to lose 3 stone overnight I can see myself looking like a giant meringue!


    I closed with usual kisses and hugs etc.


    so, girls, what do you think? shot myself in foot or got it off my chest?
     
  17. Lonestitcher

    Lonestitcher Silver Member

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    Definitely got it off your chest!!!

    What a wonderful and thoughtfully worded 'letter'. If anyone has a problem now,.......T O U G H !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You have been MORE than reasonable, understanding and caring.

    But you must tell us how you get on.....

    .....closes with the Eastenders 'duff, duff, duff, duff, d-d-duffs'.....
     
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  19. suepat10

    suepat10 I am one of the 63336

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    I think that is absolutely perfect. You've made it clear you've considered everybodys feelings - but have also stated it is your day and it should be how you want.

    If she is a decent person that should make her stop and think about what she may have said/done that has made your brother and father say this is how she's feeling.

    I can't help wondering though whether for all her whinging about it to your brother, whether she would have not gone/said something about it to you. I know there are times I shout and stamp my foot about things to my OH but it doesn't go any further than that. Maybe if your father hadn't said anything to you it owuld all have died a death xx
     
  20. msblonde

    msblonde a new way of living!

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    to be honest I thought it had all past until brother brought it up again on Monday, adn I stared dwelling on it again, and worrying.

    at least this way I feel I have explained my feelings, and hopefully given everyone an opportunity to get off their high horse for a minute and consider my feelings.

    I feel better after sending it, but still wound up as now I am worrying about the reply! I hope I get a reply, if I dont, then I'll just have to assume that all is ok.

    we pick up a wedding magazine later to cheer myself up :)
     
  21. pesty

    pesty Fighting the bulge

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    I think this is a brilliant response. This way there will be no confusion of 'he said / she said' as you have clearly outlined how you feel :)

    xxxx
     
  22. msblonde

    msblonde a new way of living!

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    no reply back of SIL yet....
     
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