Well, my Dad isn't dead then....

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by RuthG, 30 July 2009 Social URL.

  1. RuthG

    RuthG Gold Member

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    I haven't spoken to my Dad for about 7 years. Only yesterday I was speaking to somebody about him, saying I wasn't even sure if he was dead or alive. Well he's very much alive. He's got in touch with my mum and step dad (who I also don't have contact with) to say that he would like contact with his children...... My step dad then contacted my brother (not my dad's son, my step dad's son.) who has in turn contacted me.
    I really don't know what to do.

    I've been having therapy since January about my family issues, I felt like I was nearing the end of my time with the therapist, but now I feel like I'm back at the start. I really don't know what to do.
     
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  3. Madferret

    Madferret Mad as a Hatter

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    Oh tricky one .... sorry can't offer much help, but you need to do what is right for you.. not for anyone else...

    Have you spoken to your therapist about this - what do they recommend - do they think it will put you further back or should you encourage it ?

    Sorry not much sense there... but we are here for you..

    Tracy
     
  4. LizS

    LizS Shut up Ethel

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    Crikey. That's a lot to deal with. Are you ok? I have no proper/practical advice for you, but think you shouldn't try to deal with this, with your response to it, by yourself. Can you give your therapist a call? x
     
  5. lottie***

    lottie*** Full Member

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    okay ruth.. you have to work out if you actually want him in your life, as you have already accepted life without him, so he's now an extra addition to you.

    I havent seen my dad for 12 years ( was only 11 when i saw him last!) when through other family i dont speak to he popped up and found me, i have never actually seen him but through text's we spoke,i nearly met him but at the same time i found out my mum had terminal cancer and i found it all a bit over whelming,so i put it all off for a while, i now realise he wasnt that worried as he didnt bother to send me birthday messages or reply back to me, that was nearly 2 years ago.

    But when i thought this is it, im going to meet him i was soooooo so so so so very nervous but i wnated to do it to see how i felt afterwards, because after all theres no pressure to have him in your life, you can walk away at any point! so i was purely curious to see if i would have the desire after i met him to stay in touch and accept him back.

    I dont know if this helps but these were my feelings at the time

    Hope you find the answers your looking for & goodluck either way hun xxx
     
  6. RuthG

    RuthG Gold Member

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    Thanks all. I just wish that somebody who knows my situation inside out can tell me the right thing to do.

    Apparently (according to the email my brother forwarded to me from my step dad) my Dad has had a lot of therapy himself, and that me, my sister and brothers have nothing to worry about on that front.

    I'm really not sure that I can put myself in a position where I could get hurt again.
     
  7. Sass

    Sass Silver Member

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    I don't have any helpful advice but i just wanted to say that i know how hard these things are to deal with as i haven't spoken to my dad for around the same time as you maybe a little bit more.

    Xmas last year My Dad ( really don't like saying that) called my house phone because my sister was here and she had passed my number onto him to call her. Anyway he rang my phone and i answered, as i didn't recognise the voice i said who's calling and he said " vicky's dad" that's my sister btw. I felt like shouting at him that he is my dad to or had he totally forgot about me. Our fall out all stems from an argument we had when i was 16 years old and to this day he has never been man enough to make the first move. I was in shock and then my sister told me that he was thinking of getting in touch with me. Hmm i think not after that comment on the phone.

    God the pain and hurt that family's put us through is unreal, i hope it all works out for the best be that to make contact or not.
     
  8. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    Hi Ruth,


    The fact that you have to ask other people what to do means that you are feeling unsure and have some feelings still for him...


    If your father has been having therapy and now wants to meet you, then surely that is a positive.

    Perhaps this is a chance for you to get some answers and find closure to be able to move on with your own life.

    At the end of the day this is about you and what you want, you have the power to say yes or no.

    I do know from experience that people are worth giving a second chance to and that people can change and mellow with the years.

    Having said that if you do decide to meet up it is best to go with no expectations good or bad, that way you will not be disappointed.

    If you have questions write them down as you can always leave them behind if you do not get a chance to say what you want at the time.

    No one is perfect in life and everyone makes mistakes, some worse than others.

    But I do think if there is a genuine willingness to change, able to admit to past wrong doings and to make amends then there is always hope.

    Love Mini xxx
     
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  9. LizS

    LizS Shut up Ethel

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    Ruth, did we not have a discussion similar to this recently on H? Where the person concerned had culled someone due to her behaviour, but the cullee had got back in touch saying she'd been through counselling or something and now needed to see the culler to apologies/move on/whatever it was....and remember the advice?

    That it was about the OPs feelings, not about the person that had got in touch with her out of the blue. That stands true here - its about you, not him, and if you need time to make a decision then take time. And if that decision is not to see him, then that's fine, its up to you and what works for you. If you are uncomfortable with the finality of that perhaps there is a middle way - writing a letter, perhaps? (I mean him to you).

    sorry you're going through this hon. Hugs. x
     
  10. emmapetty

    emmapetty Going for Goal!

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    Hi Ruth,

    If I was you I would consider myself lucky my Dad was still alive.

    I don't know the ins and outs of why the relationship broke down. But you know, if I had news my Dad was alive - i'd be there in a shot throwing my arms around him.

    There are a lot of people in the world (including me) who would do anything to have their Dad back in their lives, alive and well... maybe you should consider this when you are making your decision.

    Emma
     
  11. BigTrev

    BigTrev Member

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    not really the same sort of thing but i lost my mum about 10 years ago although i saw her every day i would give anything to see her again even for a min or 2 the biggest thing you have to remember is once he has gone you will never get the chance again
     
  12. towergilly

    towergilly Full Member

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    hi sweetheart
    i have a very strange relationship with my father who left the country when i was five so i kinda know how you feel.
    whatever you decide and remember only you can decide your in control its up to you how much if any contact you have if any .
    he knows how to send emails why not just do that for a while set up another email address and mail him from that, that way you can cut him of if you want

    maybe it would be a ideal oppurtunity whilst your still in therapy and have some support
    any way you choose will be right for you
    sending you love hun
     
  13. Guru

    Guru Silver Member

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    I am with LizS - this is about you, not about him. Have you had a chance to talk to your therapist about it?
     
  14. emmapetty

    emmapetty Going for Goal!

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    I ditto this comment.
    My Dad died a long time ago too, and I would give my right arm to see him again, even if just for a minute.
    :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:
     
  15. Guru

    Guru Silver Member

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    I really sympathise with those of you that have lost parents, but none of us really know Ruth's situation. He may have done something unbearably terrible so it's not fair to say she should see him just because he's alive.
     
  16. emmapetty

    emmapetty Going for Goal!

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    I see your point Guru, I really do hun. But having said that, once he goes - THATS IT! I would just hate to see someone live in regret.

    Yes he may have done something unbearable and upsetting to Ruth, and if he has I apologise whole heartedly for any upset my comments may have caused, however... I believe everyone deserves a second chance. If he then messes up, then walk away.

    I agree, start slow...exchange emails maybe before meeting.
     
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  17. RuthG

    RuthG Gold Member

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    Hi all, I'm sorry I've not replied sooned, I've had a reaaly whirlwind few days.

    My dad was horrendous as a father. I've given him a few chances previously, hence being so so cautious about this decision. I'm seeing my therapist on thursday.
     
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  19. towergilly

    towergilly Full Member

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    much love hun x
     
  20. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    Hi Ruth,

    I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and I am glad you are seeing your therapist on Thursday and hopefully it will help you make your mind up about what action you need to take.

    If someone has repeatedly thrown back in your face each every new chance you have given them it does wear you down and makes you very guarded about allowing them back into your life again.

    The one glimmer of hope here is the fact your Dad is having therapy himself and I would hope the reason he does want to get back in contact with you and your siblings is to make amends for the past and hurt he has caused.

    You can't change the past or forget it, but saying 'sorry' is the first step.

    Love Mini xxx
     
  21. Witchypoo

    Witchypoo Full Member

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    I've had no contact with my Father for nearly 30 years. And to be honest, no amount of therapy (for him) would ever make me trust him.
    But only you can make this decision. Talk it over with your therapist, but keep in mind what YOU feel. Don't let your family influence you, it sounds like they are biased in his favor.
    Good luck with this, however you decide to proceed.
    {{{hugs}}}
     
  22. Purplepixie

    Purplepixie Full Member

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    Only you can answer the question Ruth. When you didn't know if he was dead or alive did you feel sad that you would never see him again?? Talk to your therapist but if seeing him means you have a personal set back then you need to be acting in your interests not his
     
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