What do I do? HELP!!

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by JimJam87, 18 September 2010 Social URL.

  1. JimJam87

    JimJam87 Determined to do this

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    Oh I just don't know what to do :( I'm so torn and need some advice!
    I'm 23 and me and my OH (who's 28) have been together since I was 16 - 7 years now. We were good up until about a year ago, when we started 'taking breaks' and become a bit on-off. We split up in February this year and only got back together in June. This means we've been back together for all of 3 months and I'm already doubting our relationship, that can't be good surely?! During the 4 months or so that we were split, I did a lot better than I thought I would do, and I think i grew quite a lot as a person. I wonder if this has anything to do with how I feel now.
    I love him to bits but I dont think I'm IN love with him anymore. Everything he does at the moment just irritates me. We're not arguing loads, in fact not really at all, but I just look at him and think I dont want this anymore!
    I'm not ready for this at the minute, but definitely in a few years I want to be thinking about getting married and having kids, and I dont think he has any interest in this at all. Surely at nearly 29, he should be thinking about settling down?!
    The thing is when we split earlier in the year, he went to stay with his friends in their spare room because he didn't want to move back in with his dad as he saw it as a step backwards. I don't think he could or would want to go back to his friend's house and I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure he'd have somewhere to stay. i guess he could go back to his dad's if he really had to.
    Sorry for the essay, I know I'm rambling and this probably doesn't make much sense, but it just helps to put it all down in words :sigh:
     
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  3. JimJam87

    JimJam87 Determined to do this

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    Thanks hun, I'd know exactly what i'd say to them, it's just easier said than done when it's you isn't it! x
     
  4. shell_y

    shell_y Silver Member

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    How do you think you would feel if he turned around to you tommorow and said it was over? Maybe this will help you decide...
     
  5. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    Remember, no one can really advice you and reading what you have posted several times I think you know the answer yourself.

    You both have a lot of life in front of you. It is important you make the right choices now .

    Good luck whatever you do.

    hugs xxxx
     
  6. Littleslimmingbee

    Littleslimmingbee Gold Member

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    These two sentences say it all honey. Ultimatly only YOU can chose what to do, BUT there is a massive difference between loving someone and careing for them deeply and being IN love with them. If your recognising this in your relationship its not what you want from a relationship, is it really?

    I totally appreciate that you want to be setteling down in the next few years, but in order to do that.. get married and have children and commit to spend the rest of your life with someone, it has be someone who is 100% for you. Seven years is a really long time, and it can seem very daunting and scarey to concider moving on, but no matter how long youv been with someone.. people change, things change, circumstances change. What was perfect for you a few years back, isnt now. Somthing isnt the same and its not right for the person youv become. It sounds like the break gave you some persepective on it all, aswell as the oppurtunity to re-establish yourself as a YOU not a WE. This is incredibly difficult, after only 3 years i would find it incredibly difficult to be a person of my own, as i always concider my decsions and changes and general day to day things as a couple. To become soley dependant on myself would take some getting used too.

    I think in the long run, if its what YOU truely want, it would be better to end it now, and enjoy some you time.. than to continue with a relationship which i assume hes not a 100% with either, otherwise you wouldnt have taken breaks? because if you DID end up marrying him, and having children with him.. youl only end up resenting him, because youv got all this responcibility and even more ties with him when your heart isnt 100% with him anymore. Atleast now you can go your seperate ways, without having any major ties other than your current living situation, which.. if your both adults, you can discuss and work out how to go about it. If not, he'l have to suck it up and find somewhere for the time being. Likley hood is he'd sooner find somewhere else to go, than deal with it being awkward after a split, no matter how friendly you pledge to remain.

    Also, you may find that secretly you knew you may end up together again as you refer to your brief splits as 'breaks' so although you had some time to yourself, you never really greived the loss of a relationship, and the end of that chapter in your life, so this time.. should you chose to end it, you may find that you do feel a sadness, but if you know its the right thing to do then i think you should.


    Just because he wasnt the one, doesnt mean its the be all and end all.. it just means that life is making way for the person that is meant for you.. because if mr.wrong is still in your life.. theres no room for you to meet your mr.right. Someone else is out there for you, just waiting.. Or who knows, maybe he is your mr.right and you just need to both sit down and work it out, and really put your all in to get it back on track.. it can be hard work but if you think its worth fighting for you should do.. because in the end this rocky patch will only make you stronger, and 7 years is a long time to let go, if you think theres a chance you could save it and you could be happy together..


    again, ultimatly its down to you .. have a long hard think.. dont rush into anything, but dont cling to somthing you dont really want for convieniance either.. better to just follow your heart.

    xxx
     
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  7. avisk

    avisk xx

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    Your story is making me feel depressed - I hate to think what it is doing to you!

    If the person you are going to spend the rest of your life irritates you now, what will it be like in 10 years, 20 years . . . ??

    He is a grownup. Of course he could make proper living arrangements if he wanted to. Why on earth would you consider it to be your responsibility? Don't fall into the trap of believing that he can't manage without you to organise things for him - are you still tying his shoelaces??

    As has already been suggested, read what you have written as if it were written by someone else. What would your advice be?

    I am sorry if this sounds a bit harsh - but you did ask!
     
  8. sarahm85

    sarahm85 Silver Member

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    If you have the smallest little doubt about whether you want to be someone, then I believe you really need to have a good think about what YOU want.

    It's also not fair to him to continue with the relationship if he really wants to make a good go of things. A friend of my OH is currently seeing someone but has told my OH and others it's a relationship out of convenience, yet when I see his girlfriend she seems totally happy with him and it's not nice knowing he doesn't feel the same way about her.

    Good luck xxx
     
  9. ilovelife

    ilovelife Wishing and hoping!

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    I think it ia just best to be completely honest with your partner and talk about how you are feeling.
     
  10. JimJam87

    JimJam87 Determined to do this

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    Thanks guys, we had a heart-to-heart last night and I feel happier now, he seemed to understand how I was feeling. Thanks for all your advice, very much appreciated x
     
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