What would you do? (baptism related)

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  1. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    I'm in the process of arranging my 2 children's baptism for possibly June. My family are all in Ireland but they are coming over so I've said they can chose whatever month & I'll go by that. They are making a real effort.

    My MIL (who I really don't get on with) says whenever we have it she won't be going. :eek: She is saying that why should we get the kids baptised that religion is evil etc etc. These are her only 2 grand children (she won't be getting any more). She won't be in any of the photos etc. Surely she could just go & put her views aside for one day for her grand children?

    We are only having a service then going to a local pub for Sunday roast with immediate family. If she doesn't come to the service should i just say she can't come to the dinner? or am I being b!tchy?? I think if you can't just make an effort for 1 hour don't bother coming at all. My FIL is coming as is my H cousins from Ireland (his only family)

    The other thing is my son is 2 and she's set up this workbook for him with just words i.e. the, and, dog etc without any pictures & she's sitting him down making him read them. I spoke to the pre-school teacher (he starts there Sept) & she says it's too young. My worry is that when he goes to pre school he'll kbnow the words etc & he'll get bored when the others are learning (I don't want a know it all son!) I understand him like looking at books/pictures but think this is too much

    Please can I have your thoughts? Am I just being silly?? :D
     
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  3. Starlight

    Starlight Gold Member

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    Id make the date known and tell her she's welcome and leave it at that. Dont invite her specifically for the meal. Anyway wouldn't it be hypocritical for her to attend it anyway

    As for making your son read? That's ridiculous at that age. He's your son and she should be abiding by your rules
     
  4. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    Thanks Starlight that's what I thought but didn't know was I being funny because I don't like her & don't get on with her.

    She's also banging on to me about getting him potty trained, there is no way I'm doing this until I know for sure he's ready. The pre-school told me today he doesn't need to be potty trained to start school.
     
  5. Jennyonaplate

    Jennyonaplate Gold Member

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    She obviously has strong feelings about religion, which is her reason for not attending the christening. She's not said she's not going to come for any other reason, so I think you might just have to bite your lip and invite her to the day, but stress she is welcome to join you at any point during the day. It would be likely to cause more problems if you excluded her from the day completely, and then if she comes along later you can get some more family pics.

    As for the reading, whilst it must be annoying, I guess it can't do much harm. If it's not very frequent then it's not likely he'll be much more advanced than the other kids. You could always make sure you've got other activities planned so that he's too busy having fun to want to sit down.

    When it comes to families i think it's often easier to bite your tongue so long as no real harm or distress is being caused to anyone. Arguments and disagreements tend to fester for years, and life's just too short for that if it can be avoided.

    Enjoy the day and focus on the occaision, but remember to respect others beliefs and opinions- after all, if we all thought the same, the world would be such a dull place!
     
  6. MadameLaMinx

    MadameLaMinx Gold Member

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    As far as the reading goes, kids will pick up words from books, tv programmes etc if they are ready for it, they wont if they arent. I wouldnt be worried about this. If hes bored of it he will soon let her know.

    Christening wise, how does H feel about what his mother thinks? Like the others I would be inclined to say "you are welcome to be there but if you don't want to we completely understand" and leave it at that.

    I am not religious but I would still attend a family members church wedding, christening/baptism, funeral etc because I would be doing it because it is what they want. It harms me none to be there. It harms them if I am not and they want me to be.

    I suspect at some point there is going to be an almighty blow out between you and your dear mother-in-law, she never gives up does she?
     
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  7. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    Nope she never gives up, I've just kept my mouth shut the last few months & not seen much of her at all. If she comes to pick my son up I let H deal with her.

    H is annoyed with her but says it might be better if she doesn't go as she'll probably make a big scene, she wouldn't care. My mum said sod her that it is her loss...

    She doesn't want to know but yet she's trying to chose the god parents which is her cousins daughter who I've never even met...she's a nutter...I'll just let her get on with it but I can promise you if she does anything to try & ruin the kids day I'm definitely going to have a major row with her..
     
  8. Shrimpy

    Shrimpy Gold Member

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    As the really uncatholic one in the family, I can see why she doesn't want to go. To be honest I REALLY did not want to even so much as walk into the church for my neices' and nephews' christenings. Personally I have a HUGE issue with the Christian religion (and other "organised" religions to a lesser extent too), and feel utterly hypocritical "supporting" the church by my attendance.

    I can also see your side and why you would want her to be there, but at the end of the day not being there to introduce your child to your god shouldn't be the end of the universe, imo. However, I don't think you should exclude her fropm celebrating introducing your child to the family as a whole, which is usually the after party.

    I think you can get some nice photos at the do after and then she is still supporting the "introduction" but avoiding the God thing.

    This is just my side of it, and I think I've rambled instead of ACTUALLY answering the question. Sorry.
     
  9. Happy Holidays

    Happy Holidays Gold Member

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    You want your children baptised so do it, if MIL doesn't agree so bit its her opinion & shes entitled to it. As for inviting her to the pub, I would invite her, but if you think she'll cause a scene then don't invite her. You want a lovely nice day & if she's not on the photo's its not the end of the day.

    She is trying to help teaching your son to read, she's just not doing it how you want it to be done. Could you get some books, or other learning material she could use instead? And it's really not that long before he goes to nursery so she's not going to get that much time with him. It may be a fad & she'll get over it.
     
  10. Nettyneil

    Nettyneil Full Member

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    me and my OH are Christians and go to Church each week, my OH's parents don't get it at all to the extent that they came to our wedding service reluctantly and have since then never come to any other occasions such as baptisms, nativity's (with their only grandson in) etc etc. We've been together 14 years and I've got used to it now although I know it upsets my OH. I respect it's their choice not to come along to anything but I do think they are missing out on sharing occasions that are special and meaningful to us. My MIL would be livid if I chose not to come to her annual buffet and would make it known to us that she did not approve of my decision not to come however, clearly it is fine for her to not come to something that is equally important to us. But at the end of the day I don't want a family rift so what do you do?? I really believe it's her loss as my son is now of an age where he asks why one set of grandparents never come to any of his plays (he goes to a church school, so they won't come to a play etc either) whilst his other grandmother comes along to everything. I just tell him to ask them himself as I won't make excuses for them. He is nine and doesn't see it in terms of a religion thing he just sees it as his grandparents not wanting to see him in his play. Sorry I'm rambling but my main point of this was this: It's now got to a stage where if my MIL came to something I would probably spend the whole time concerned as to whether she was ok and comfortable etc rather than enjoying it myself - without her there I can relax and take part without worrying. If it was my children's baptism I would feel most happy if the only people there were the ones who really wanted to be there - I would however be fine about her coming to celebrate at the pub afterwards where she and everyone else could enjoy the family time together. One thing though she has absolutely no right to dictate your choice of God parent - that's just taking the mickey.

    As for starting to read at 2 years old - surely it's just going to be shapes at that age and not really sink in. I wouldn't really worry about it as your son probably will just treat it as a game and not really be taking it in - it'll be out of sight out of mind as soon as she's left to go home.

    Good luck xx
     
  11. RegField

    RegField Silver Member

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    You cannot change the way she behaves. You can only change your reaction to it.

    You can get cross, get upset, have a row - oh, and I bet she just loves that!

    Or you can say this is what we are doing, you can come, or not come, as you like, whatever. We don't mind.

    Troublemakers hate it when they can't make trouble, and she can't make trouble if you don't let her.

    As for the reading - if the child is interested, then he might learn something. If not, then he won't. Children learn at their own pace.

    My cousin's child knew all her letters when she went to pre-school. No-one could work out how she knew them - and then they realised that she had learned them all from watching Countdown (to which my cousin was addicted!) every afternoon.

    Personally I would love any child of mine to know as much as possible.
     
  12. judimac

    judimac Mad old Bat with Attitude

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    My MIL said she wasn't coming to our wedding because it was in a registry office (the family were Catholic) and then turned up! To be honest I'd rather she hadn't!

    I'd probably say that I'd understand why she wouldn't want to come, but that you and OH have decided it's what you want. If she turns up then she'll be able to come to the pub, but if she's likely to mouth off I wouldn't tell her about it.
    The reading? I'd leave things as they are, most teachers say they'd rather you left it to them, but I didn't, neither did my DIL who's a teacher. Both my boys and all 3 grandchildren could read at 3. Lets face it a good percentage of children leave school with very poor reading ability. If your son doesn't enjoy the sessions then curtail them, get some other material and say that this has been recommended by the literacy council / experts and ask her to use it.
    It is a difficult job being a grandparent sometimes. The way children are brought up now is very different to the way I brought mine up, you just have to bite your tongue and remember you are not their parent.
     
  13. ColJack

    ColJack Gold Member

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    put yourself in her shoes..
    say for example she was going to be initiated into a satanic cult and invited you along to the ceremony where she would have to kill a baby goat and eat it's still beating heart while everyone lines up to drink it's blood from a silver chalice.....
    would you still go to support her? even though you dissagree with the whole thing?
    how would you feel if she then also excluded you from a big family get together afterwards as well?
    I know that is an extreme example but if her views on the catholic church are the same as yours would be to a satanic cult then is it right for you to get mad with her for not wanting to attend?

    I won't get onto the subject of forced indoctrination.... that's a discussion for another time..

    As for the reading.. why do you not want your son to have every oportunity in life?
    you want to deliberately limit his education on the basis that you don't want a "know it all" kid? how very short sighted of you..
    it has been proven that children can learn to read from a very young age, before they can even talk most times... in fact there are systems developed specifically to teach them ( as seen on tv ) where one 3 year old was reading charlotts web unaided..
    it's also a great time to teach your child other languages..
     
  14. MadameLaMinx

    MadameLaMinx Gold Member

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    Surely if you have killed the baby goat, it's heart won't still be beating /pedantic mode? :D

    That IS an extreme example, I have to say, and perhaps a bit unfair, because lots of parents choose baptism for their kids, it's a personal thing. I don't do religion and none of my kids have been baptised, but i would never object to someone else doing it for their kids but then I do like the coming together aspect of such an occasion - seeing family and whatnot. If my child chooses to have a religion I would never ever dream of refusing to attend a ceremony that they wanted to hold, because I love that person and I want them to be happy, and if it makes them happy then it's important to me.

    This really is an ongoing issue between BB and her mother-in-law, there are other threads where she has discussed their relationship in the past. There seems to be something of a power struggle going on here that has yet to be resolved. BB has ground rules about the care of the children and MIL "knows best" and ignores them.

    I think there are issues on both sides really, and they are quite complex and are never going to be resolved without a serious amount of frank and open discussion and a lot of give and take on both sides. Which unfortunately, seems unlikely.
     
  15. ColJack

    ColJack Gold Member

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    it's not so extreme..
    they worship a guy nailed to a cross, crown of thorns pressed into his scalp and stabbed in the side with a spear..
    they also pretend that they are eating his flesh and drinking his blood...

    ( can you tell I'm not really into religion? :) )
     
  16. MadameLaMinx

    MadameLaMinx Gold Member

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    Just a teeny bit yes :p

    But I do think perhaps it's not the religion that is really the issue here, but perhaps the lack of toeing the line of the m-i-l's that might well be a bit more to do with it...
     
  17. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    Thanks guys...MLM you are right there are lots of issues which recently I've learnt to deal with. I've decided that I'll tell her when it is & it's her choice if she wants to come or not.

    If she makes a scene or does anything to ruin the day, let the fireworks begin!!
     
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  19. Nettyneil

    Nettyneil Full Member

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    BB - I Think your decision is the best one to be honest. She can't complain at you saying you haven't told her or invited her so she can only blame herself if she decides not to go, and if she does come and tries to ruin your day then you would be well within your rights to let her know she is being rude.

    I know from experience it is hard when you have opinionated inlaws but remember you are the mother and it is your child not hers - keep hold of those thoughts.

    fingers crossed xx
     
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