Yo-yo's attempt to snap the string!

Discussion in 'Strugglers and Restarters' started by yo-yo, 30 April 2007 Social URL.

  1. yo-yo

    yo-yo Full Member

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    Hi All :wavey:

    I thought I should start a diary thread after noticing how much space I've been taking up on the 7 day challenge threads with my constant waffling! Most others are just posting a quick entry with their food for the day so my long posts stand out like a sore thumb!

    Feel as if I've somehow been fooling my fellow challengers in to reading the rest of my ramblings!

    So...a bit about me.

    I'm 34, and live in sin (tut tut! and me a good catholic girl too) with my OH of 14 years and our fab DD who is 11. I work full time in quite a stressful job - which due to my minimins addiction I may shortly get the sack from!

    To cut a very long story short I've always been overweight (or chubby as people politely called it!) I've done WW, SW, Rosemary Connelly, diet pills, and a lot of things I'm not proud of to lose weight over the years!

    Up until my pregnancy i'd managed to keep my 'chubbiness' under some sort of control - i.e. I'd lose a stone put it back on, lose 2 stone and put 1 back on, put 2 stones on ......you get the picture!

    During my pregnancy I gained 5 and a half stone....and a big complex! I've never been a terribly confident person (although can do a fair impression of it after a few brandy and cokes :rolleyes: ) but whatever tiny bit of self esteem I had completely deserted me. I even felt uncomfortable around my family and close friends.

    Despite being really happy to be a Mom and loving my daughter more than I could imagine was possible I felt so depressed about my weight and after every failed attempt to lose it I seemed to get bigger and bigger!

    When DD was 3 (and I was 17 and a half stone) we went to Butlins and took my nephew who is 6 months older than her. Watching my OH struggling in the swimming pool with the 2 of them, begging me to come in and help him (which of course I couldn't even consider!) made me realise how selfish I was being. My weight wasn't only ruining my life but would have a negative impact on DD and the things that I could do with her. Had also - if was honest - put a massive strain on my relationship with OH. The type of strain I didn't really see any way back from.

    So I took myself off to Rosemary Connelly, lost about 4 st, came to a stand still so joined WW, lost another couple of stones - put a bit back on. Did the atkins diet - same thing lost a bit more then put some of it back on. But all in all have managed to float around a healthy (although not totally happy!) weight for about 4 years now and have treated myself to a few nips and tucks for my trouble!

    Last year I gained weight during my summer holiday and just couldn't seem to shift it. A friend was doing LL and doing really well. I felt totally exhausted by this constant food battle and liked the sound of just being able to take it completely out of the equasion for a little while. My bmi wasn't suitable for LL so I joined up to CD instead. I started in mid October and had got to my lowest ever weight by Xmas - it bought my total overall loss to 9 stones. I was pleased as punch!

    Of course I'd put most of it back on by the January - note to self - Xmas is not an ideal time to try to slowly introduce food into your diet for the first time in 10 weeks!!! I didn't have too much trouble getting it back off again once back to SSing though.

    However, this set a dangerous precident - because I know I can do it - I KEEP doing it over and over!! I SS to goal, try to do the maintenance steps but always end up 'treating' self and gaining weight - then I panic and SS it back off again! Repeat this 20 times and it will give you an idea of how many times I have lost and gained the SAME stone this year!

    So - my mission is to try to maintain my current weight (ok wouldn't mind loosing a few more to have a bit to play with;) ) and to be able to eat real food without being consumed by so much guilt and self disgust that I binge myself into gains of as much as 11lbs in 4 days!

    My trials and tribulations, high and lows, along this journey are to follow.....(i suspect with a low when I get back from tonights weigh in :( )

    Well congratulations - you made it to the end of possibly the longest post ever - and you thought dieting was hard work ;)
     
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  3. yo-yo

    yo-yo Full Member

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    They won't all be this long I promise - I just had to formally introduce self :)
     
  4. Eclipse

    Eclipse Gold Member

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    Hi Yo Yo

    What a lovely, honest and open post. I wish you all the luck in the world in achieving your dreams hun.

    I have had a similar roller coaster ride in the weight problems myself and know exactly what you've been through!
     
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  5. westiegirl

    westiegirl Gold Member

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    Hi hun, so glad you've decided to start a diary thread. Looking forward to reading it. I've added a subscription to it and will check back later to see how you've done.

    Good luck for tonights weigh in!
     
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  6. sonkie

    sonkie Gold Member

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    Hey great idea, I find it helps if you keep a diary....look forward to your entries.
     
  7. yo-yo

    yo-yo Full Member

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    Ooh - somebody read it! Thanks ladies!

    Just back from weigh in....put 2 and a quarter on :cry:

    I'm trying not to be p*ssed off as I know it will come off again in a couple of days but it just gets me down that I can't seem to master staying the same. I've lost 9 stone for crying out loud - how can staying the same prove such a problem :confused: . I didn't even eat that much. It was a tiny little amount in the scheme of things.

    I'm on for another gain this week too as I'm going out on Friday night. Am going to a 30th birthday party and am really looking forward to it. Going out and drinking water isn't really an option for me - I just don't seem to enjoy myself the same!

    Now, if I could master the art of waking up after a night out without hoovering up obscene amounts of all the wrong food I wouldn't be quite as concerned - but as I can't - I am! The additional worry is that it's a bank hol weekend, and at Easter I gained a stone in 4 days!

    I am going to try my best to get straight back on the wagon after Friday night, then may have a tiny chance of getting off whatever I've put on. My weigh in is on Tuesday next week cuz of the bank hol, so it could be done. If I don't it could spell the start of a 4 day binge....can already hear CB telling me that I deserve to treat myself as it's a public holiday!

    I'm undecided whether to SS up till Friday or continue with 790? I shouldn't keep going back to SS but I find it so much easier to flick off the food switch completely than to try limiting myself - if I could do that I wouldn't have a weight problem!

    On a positive note I treated myself to some new digital scales today. I expect to trim 15 minutes off my getting ready time each morning. The mechanical ones were very unreliable - I had to fiddle with the dial all the time as they kept being above the zero (if I closed one eye ;) !) and when I lean heavily on my right leg I can get them to pop down a pound or two. This routine could go on for 10 to 15 minutes until was happy I had got my lowest possible reading! Ridiculous really as was only kidding myself - but hey I believed me and it would make me feel happier for the day ahead!

    Well this is shaping up to be another very long post so I'll sign off for tonight.

    xxx
     
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  8. westiegirl

    westiegirl Gold Member

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    Don't worry too much about it hun, it will come off again soon.

    I know you don't want to keep hopping on and off the SSing wagon, but maybe flicking off the switch until Friday and then thinking about getting back to 790 after the weekend might help with damage limitation. If you are strong enough to SS (and I really admire you for that, god I wish I found it that easy) then this could be the time to just use it for it's benefits and worry about tackling the food thing next week.

    PMSL at you jiggling about on the scales. I used to do that all the time with my old mechanical ones. I still get on my electronic ones, get off them, then get back on again because the 2nd reading is usually 0.02lbs less than the first one lol!

    Good luck with what you decide to do this week, you know I'm with you every step!
     
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  9. yo-yo

    yo-yo Full Member

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    Yes I think you're right Sarah. I SS'd today (just to give me chance to make my mind up :rolleyes: ) and think that if I do it up till Friday I will feel better in myself for going out.

    I do get nervous ahead of nights out especially when I know I'm going to see some people that I haven't for a while. Silly really (as I know they aren't going to notice that I've put 2 lb on!) but I'll feel more confident if i'm in a happy place when I go out. And successful SSing does make you go to a happy place doesn't it - well, not the actual doing it, but the satisfaction that you managed to!

    I read some of previous weeks challenge posts earlier - and blimey! in lots of them I was unrecognisable bundle of joy and enthusiam compared to the misery guts I've been today!

    I want to be bundle of joy on Friday night so it's decided - will SS till then.

    Best of luck for tomorrow. May's gonna be your month I can feel it in my water (all 5 litres of it!) xxx
     
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  10. penny35

    penny35 Silver Member

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    Congrats on staying with ssing til friday.
    I have lost 9 stone,but Iam failing to get this right, and have been that way for a while.
    I too can put a stone on in 4 days,although no one believes me.
    Suffering from a fle type thing at the mo, but have to keep on working, so I have eaten today,just to try to make it to the end of the day,had the shakes really badly earlier,ohhhhhh.
    Anyway congrat's again.
     
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  11. yo-yo

    yo-yo Full Member

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    Hi penny,

    Well done on your big loss :superwoman: !!

    Noone believes I can gain so much either, even my CDC accuses me of having weights in my pockets! It does come off quite quickly once I get back to SSing but that will be no use to me during a 2 week holiday. If I don't get on an even keel by July I am going to have to take 3 different sizes of clothes with me!

    Does most of it land on your tummy when you gain a big amount in a short space of time? Mine does, and I'm honestly not exaggerating when I say that I look 6/7 months pregnant. Another reason I need to get sorted before July - big rock hard belly in a bikini will not be a good look! Especially when it's popped up overnight - people have enough reason to snigger at me in swimwear without me having a phantom pregancy to further amuse them!

    Just out of interest penny, is it due to eating lots and lots of the wrong stuff that you have these gains or is it when you try to introduce any food after SSing? I can't tell at the moment as I keep going off the rails and having a big binge before I've had chance to gauge it!

    Hope you are feeling better soon, it's no fun being poorly is it - especially when life has to carry on as normal instead of being able to wrap yourself up in bed for a few days! Take care x
     
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  12. yo-yo

    yo-yo Full Member

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    Hopped on my new digital scales thismorning to discover that they are 6lbs heavier than my mechanical ones :rolleyes: Not too bothered about this as I always knew that my old ones where on the kind side (especially once I'd 'adjusted' them!). On the new ones I am same as on my CDC's.

    But - rather than saving time thismorning I actually spent twice as long getting on and off both pairs! Couldn't bring myself to put the old ones in the bin?

    Decided am only going to keep them till Friday though, then put my faith into the new ones. Think is because I need to see this couple of pounds come off on the scales I gained it on? or something daft like that.

    OH went bonkers when he saw them, and even more bonkers when I said they weigh heavier. He reckons I've only bought them to make it seem acceptable to get the 'extra' 6lbs off so that they read the same as the other scales.

    He complains that I move the goalposts too much, but that's all part and parcel of dieting isn't it? When you are morbidly obese - you long to be obese, when you're obese - you long to be overweight and so on.

    He has tried to be supportive over the years but less so since I've been in a kind of 'normal' weight bracket. He must have been embarrassed of me in front of his friends, he was just 23 when we had DD and I got really big, so lots of his friends were still out pulling pert little 18 years olds! But once I was no longer an embarrassment he lost interest in the whole diet thing and wanted his munching partner back!

    It's as if he feels it's job done now - he doesn't seem to understand that I am (and will always be) a few months away from being back there again! But I suppose why would he? He is permanantly 12 stone - after a really heavy weekend, a fortnights all inclusive holiday, Xmas - never any fluctuation. Jammy bugger eh!

    So far so good on the SS front.

    Porridge, bar and muffin yesterday + 4 litres of water and 4 black coffees.

    Porridge, 1.5 litres of water and 2 black coffees so far today. Am trying to hold out a little longer for my cranberry bar but I think it's minutes are numbered now!

    Catch up later!
     
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  13. penny35

    penny35 Silver Member

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    Hi, glad to read your doing so well.
    Don't worry about the new scales,depending where I put mine in my bathroom i get different result's.

    I think my weight gain is because I have carbs,even just one slice of bread can make a huge difference.

    My OH is in a strange place at the moment,for the first time I weigh less than him,and on the one hand he is pleased and on the other you can see it worries him.But, he's being silly now, and won't eat all day,and then might so nut's for food in the evening.
    He also offers me food I shouldnt have,then after I've eaten it, tells me I have to get back on CD as soon as possible,its so confusing.He tell's me the way Iam now is all hes ever wanted for me, then offers me bad foods,or eats them infront of me.
    Anyway, don't get the wrong idea,hes a fab man, just we are both finding the change difficult.
    Have a fab evening and tommorrow.
     
  14. westiegirl

    westiegirl Gold Member

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    Funny how you grow so attached to something inanimate and especially something as hated as the bluddy bathroom scales! Weird innit? Once you get those couple of pounds off again just put them somewhere out of the way until you feel strong enough to chuck em lol! Alternatively give em to charity. I've had an obsession with scales for so many years that wherever I've lived the local charity shop has had a succession of scales as I've upgraded!

    Funny things men aren't they! My OH never had the luxury of enjoying me really slim. Well his loss! I was 13 stone when we first met and I fluctuated between that weight and 17 stone until we split up. The jammy bugger was always thin himself. He was quite stocky so wasn't skinny but didn't carry extra fat. He used food as fuel and never quite understood my hangups. I was always self conscious that everyone would pity him for having such a fat girlfriend. He always assured me that he loved me and didn't think anything of the sort but it was always still in the back of my head and it had a major negative impact on our relationship. My insecurities of course held me back and I think did contribute to our split. I think the most important thing I have learnt is that I should have been more relaxed about my body. It would have been better for me to have been happier when at a bigger size and that was what ultimately lead to the collapse, my attitude rather than my appearance. Oh well I suppose you live and learn!

    Oh well, Matt is coming around to watch the footie so I best get going. Hope you're doing ok this evening. Will try and check back later! :D
     
  15. yo-yo

    yo-yo Full Member

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    My OH has never understood my food hang ups either. Mind you, I've never encountered anyone that did until I found minimins! Sure, lots of my friends diet and Mom has always battled with her weight - but none of them seem as excited/obsessed by food as me or as devestated by the consequences of it! I hate feeling like it - it TOTALLY rules my life and dictates my moods/frame of mind. But as we were saying the other day - it's just a curse that has been bestowed on me and there is bugger all I can do about it! It's how I deal with it that matters. So - bring on the milkshakes!

    I hope you're enjoying the :airquote: football :airquote: . You are certainly putting the hours in on the exercise front!

    Oh, and BTW, how are your eyeballs?
     
  16. JasmineCDC

    JasmineCDC Full Member

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    Hi Yo Yo,

    Your post about balancing on the scales made me laugh - I know exactly what you mean, I used to even try standing on tip toe?!!

    Good luck with your weight loss journey - I'll look forward to checking into your diary.

    Jas.xx
     
  17. yo-yo

    yo-yo Full Member

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    It took my OH a while to get his head round it too, but then I don't I have yet either so it's not surprising really!

    I am very fortunate to have a fab group of really close girlfriends but when I gained my weight I lost the will to go out so only saw them at each others houses or shopping etc. As I lost weight I started to say yes to nights out and he really did struggle with it - although he didn't say that till a couple of years later, just used to sabotage diet at every opportunity and was mega grumpy! He's lots better now but does always say 'behave yourself' when I go out. Although I act slightly offended and tell him not be so stupid I do quite like it. There was a time when it would never have crossed his mind to be concerned so it's like a bit of a pat on the back - albeit backhanded!

    They often need reassurance more than they let on, not considered manly to be insecure is it. Perhaps try lavishing him with attention?

    And tell him man cannot live on nuts alone!

    I hope you are feeling a bit better thisevening? xxx
     
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  19. yo-yo

    yo-yo Full Member

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    Thanks Jasmine!

    Glad I'm not the only one who's weigh ins are like a yoga class!
     
  20. yo-yo

    yo-yo Full Member

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    :wavey: Hello!

    Had a perfect day yesterday - well diet wise anyway!

    choc porridge
    cranberry bar
    choc muffin
    berry jelly
    4.5 litres water
    4 black coffees

    And I did half an hour on the rowing machine!

    My old scales have obviously took offence to the arrival of new digital model! I had stayed the same on those thismorning but my new best friends showed a pound loss. Funny thing was when I got up for a wee at half 4 I got on them and was still the same - 2 hours later I'd lost a pound? Strange!?

    I am getting my hair done after work and am VERY scared! Have had the same hairstyle for about 10 years (and before that had had the same one since primary school!) and I really want a change. It's long and straight (around bra strap length) and I feel....boring. Would love to have something trendy. I think Kim Marsh's hair is fab but am too chicken to get it that short in one go, so am going to ask to get it cut up to my shoulders and have a bit of a fringe in.

    My hairdresser seemed a little reluctant when I mentioned it though - so I'm scared that he will either talk me out of it and I'll come out with a trim (again!) or he'll do it and I'll hate it and wish he'd talked me out of it!

    I'm struggling to get my water down me today. Have usually drank 1.5 litres by now but have barely managed half that so far. I think it's because it's absolutely freezing in my office. The heating in the building has been switched off now, as the offices at the front get the sunshine all day and it's sweltering in there, sadly I am at the back of the building surrounded by very tall buildings so the sun never shines on us. :( It's like being in a dungeon! Am f-f-freezing!!!!

    Might go and sit outside in the sunshine for half an hour at lunchtime to defrost and see if I can catch up on my water!
     
  21. yo-yo

    yo-yo Full Member

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    Quickie update!

    Very tired this evening - my late evenings on minimins are catching up on me!

    Todays intake has been....

    choc porridge
    peanut bar
    2 slices of wafer thin turkey ham :mad:
    choc muffin
    berry jelly

    3.5 litres water
    5 black coffees

    Didn't chicken out of haircut! Not sure about it yet. I think I'd think it looked nice on someone else but not so sure about on me. I guess it will take time to get used to. No tears though so that's a good sign! Biggest fear was hating it straight away and not being able to hide my disappointment at the hairdressers.

    Have spent lots of time today pondering what meal I'm going to eat before going out on Friday. I can't go out without eating or I'll be home within an hour and since I'll be drinking naughty alcohol theres not much point having cottage cheese and salad - so i'll be treating myself to something nice. Not lots of it as I don't want to go out feeling stuffed but will need some carb to soak up the brandy!

    At mo Im torn between an M & S steak burger with this lovely cheesey herb crust on the top (they are GORGEOUS!) or a baked potato with chilli and cheese. These are the 2 things I have been desperately craving for a while so I figured I should get one of them out of the way!

    Off to bed now - perhaps the answer to my dilemma will come to me in my dreams!

    Night night x
     
  22. yo-yo

    yo-yo Full Member

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    :wavey:

    Another good day on the food (or rather, lack of it) front. Well, so far anyway!

    choc porridge
    choc bar
    choc muffin
    orange jelly
    3.5 litres water
    6 black coffees

    I have found it a bit of a struggle today. Lots of temptation came my way - no more than usual though - but the smell of people eating chips and baked spud with chicken curry in the office just seemed to tug at me much more. Luckily I didn't have to make dinner this evening - i went to have a spray tan and dinner was done an dusted by the time i got home.

    I've just kept thinking of my 'night off' tomorrow and that's got me through. CB has been telling me ALL day that I might as well have something now as will be cheating tomorrow, but I explained to her that the outfit I'm going to wear would feel snug if I stuff my face. She's trying to talk me into having breakfast tomorrow now - but I really want this to be a night off, not a day, not a weekend - and not a bank holiday weekend!

    To say I am sceptical about my ability to get back to SSing with a hangover on Saturday would be an understatement. If I manage it, it will be nothing short of a bloody miracle to be honest!! My willpower always seem too busy swimming around in brandy to come to my aid the morning after. Usually I just take it as a given and even stock up on full english ingredients and goodies in preparation! I sometimes look forward to the day after more than the night out!

    But.... this time I am going to TRY not to. I have the added temptation of being here all alone as OH and DD are out all day and evening. This petrifies me as when there is noone here to be disgusted with me, my binges know no bounds!

    I might take a sedative or ask OH to lock me in the bedroom before he leaves with 3 tetras, 4 litres of water and several buckets!

    Why can't I be one of those people who feels really ill and off their food for 2 days when they are hungover??

    Bye for now xxx
     
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