Hi to whoever takes the time to read this diary, first off I apologise for rambling on in my first entry but I have just realised I need to get a lot off my chest! I've been reading everyone's diaries over the last few weeks and I really believe the key to sticking to this plan and being successful is to express how you are feeling and welcome support from others who are in the same boat as you..... so here goes!
I started CWP in March 2012 and I was 16st 11lbs I managed to lose 34lbs in a couple months and then I stopped as I thought I could do it myself (big mistake!) I re-started on the 5th Nov and weighed in at 16st 9lbs and I'm just starting Day 6. This time round I feel differently, I feel more in control and unbelievably positive, I'm not sure if its because this year has been so rubbish or if I've just changed my mind set.
So a little about me (I do get to weight eventually for anyone that thinks I should be on Mumsnet!) It's been a pretty rubbish 2013 on the whole. My hubby and I have been together for 6 years, I was 32 and he was 34 when we met, I remember talking about having a family very early on in our relationship and it was a given that this would happen. Anyway we married in 2010 and then we decided to buy a house and the next thing you know I'm approaching 38 and theres still just the two of us. Don't get me wrong over the years our conversations have swung from "we love our life, lazy weekends, only us to think about!" to "we'd love to be parents, who needs sleep!"etc and then the unbearable ache in your stomach when you think about being a mum and the panic that you may have left it too late after all. Everyone always says you can never afford a baby but we were both really keen to have as little debt outstanding before we started trying for a baby, anyway NYE 2012 and we are just about to head out for the night and hubby says "I think its time we were a three"! (it was probably more romantic than that, but you get the general gist!) I honesty don't think I've ever been happier than that moment! So I came off the pill and expected to be up duffed within the week! So after waiting for 60 days for Auntie Flow to arrive and having every pregnancy symptom in the book still no BFP. A few more months pass and still nothing and all of a sudden I realise I have gone back up to nearly 16st. And then it hits me, for the first time in at least 15 years I had been obsessing about something other than my weight and because I was sooooo depressed about not getting pregnant I had eaten my way through it, because that's what I do when things aren't going well.....classic emotional eater.
So in April I hit the gym and was eating well and early June I get my BFP! Overjoyed! A little concerned that I was heavier than I ideally wanted to be but ecstatic none the less. Booking in appointment with MW put me at ease as she said my weight was fine and as long as I ate sensibly during the pregnancy she couldn't see any issues from a weight point.
(To much info alert before I proceed) At 11 weeks I had a small brown discharge when I wiped, thought nothing of it really, looked online and most sites said if its not bright red don't worry. After two days I called the MW and told her and I heard her voice change and knew something was wrong. She booked me in for a scan the following day and they confirmed I had had a missed miscarriage. Devastated. I'd never heard of a MMC before and you have to wait a week so they can scan you again just in case your dates are wrong before doing anything, so I basically sat at home for a week crying and eating, knowing my baby had died hoping not to miscarry naturally (couldn't bear it) and then I was admitted as a day case a week later for an ERPC and that was the end of July and I weighed 15st 5lbs.
Unfortunately for me when things go wrong I never lose weight! I wish I was like some of my friends, a break up or a upset stomach and they lose 7lbs in a few days, when disaster strikes I gain 7lbs by the end of the first day! So since July I have sat on my fat arse and ate copious amounts of Cadburys, take aways and a whole lot of cake and gained 1st 4lbs...Horrific....leggings and long tips are not your friend!
I had my defining moment last week when I actually lost sleep stressing over what I was going to wear to work as we had 2 casual days on the bounce and I'd already worn my only casual outfit that still fitted so what the hell was I going to wear on Dress down Friday?! I actually considered going sick so I could avoid it, but then I decided enough was enough, we are already trying for another baby, I am 2lbs shy of being the heaviest I've ever been, I have shed loads of clothes that NEED to be worn and if I was to fall pregnant I would feel so unhealthy and embarrassed by my weight so I text my old CWP consultant and here I am!
Sorry if I've bored anyone but I feel so much better now its all out! I promise my daily entries will be a lot lighter after this! Bring on day 6 and good luck to everyone!