From Fatcat to Kittycat
I've read through some of the diaries and they were so interesting and inspirational, I thought I would add my own to help me through this, to remind myself of how I feel and why I am doing this and if anyone else takes comfort from it than all the better. 5 minutes when your thinking of food seems like an eternity so this seems like a good distraction to have :), if only for my own sanity and to get me through this.
A bit about me and why I am doing this, well I'm 37, and I have struggled/battled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I am 5'7, started at 111.8 kgs and would like to get down to 60 kgs, so I have 51.8 kgs or 113.96 lbs to shift. I am starting on SS.
I have been unhappy with my weight the majority of my adult life, my weight has yoyo-ed over the years from 13 stone to my current weight of over 18 stone (holy crap how did that happen?). I am currently the biggest I have ever been and feel like a big fat blob.This really is my last attempt to lose the weight as I have saved for gastric band surgery and whilst i have spoken with plenty of people who have had the surgery with no regrets I can't help but be scared sh1tless of having surgery purely because I over eat. So this is my last and very final attempt to do it and I am absolutely 100% committed to doing it this time, as I really don't want to have surgery. I have given myself this ultimatum, I do not want to spend the rest of my life fat and unhealthy. I know the surgery is not an easy option by any means and I hate the idea of the potential problems of the productive burps (where the food you have eaten just comes straight back up) let alone anything going wrong during the actual surgery or having a faulty band and having to have it removed etc. The band only helps, you still have to stick to a strict diet with many food types being impossible to tolerate anymore.
in the last year or so I've started to really feel my weight, I've had heart pulpatations (very stressful job), exercising has become so much harder as I feel heavy and get out of breath far too easily, I've crept up another dress size (20) and can no longer shop in many shops. I am becoming acutely aware that I am not 21 anymore and need to take some responsibility over my life and health and above all my weight before it's too late. i want to be healthy.
So here I am, on day 6, I haven't weighed yet but am feeling a difference already.
Thanks for visiting
So my first week.
I'm on day 6 and have strayed a little. I'm not feeling comfortable at work in front of my colleagues yet as haven't told them because didn't really want that discussion yet. I work with mainly women so often talk of diets etc but I just want to get my head round this first before they give me their thoughts. I've had breakfast and evening shakes but have missed the lunch one a couple of times which I know is bad, I will make a bigger effort this week and will have to face the questions at some point. I had two days were I ate a couple of crackers, and yesterday I had some salmon and vegetables, but am feeling stronger again today. I am struggling with the 3 litres of water but have increased each day so am getting there. I am peeing like a horse and my breath stinks- which are all good signs :eek: I've been a bit tired but no headaches. Stomach has been growling like never before which I am hoping will subside as it's quit embarrassing in meetings!
So all in all a good week- I am weighing in tomorrow so fingers crossed!
Ok so apparently Saturday evenings are tough!
I'll just waffle on, so in the last year i've had a couple of horrible experiences that helped me decide to do this. I mean I have always had abuse in the street throughout my life, and whilst those hurt and stay with you for years the last year has been cruel. Just over a year ago my very dear gran passed away. She practically bought me up and whilst she had been ill for a while it was still heartbreaking to lose her. So at her funeral i read her eulogy. It was incredibly hard to do without breaking down but somehow I managed to get the words out. The audience was small as she had reached such a ripe old age so many of her friends had already passed away, many there I hadn't seen for decades. I was stood outside the crematorium chatting to some family members I hadn't seen for a while when one of my grans friends came up to me and complimented me on the eulogy. She then asked me when I was due and what a shame it was my gran wouldn't meet her great grandchild. I was mortified and upset for so many reasons but managed to not burst into tears. I had to point out to her that I am in fact just fat and not pregnant whilst wanting the ground to open and swallow me, it's the first time anyone had ever made the dreaded pregnancy comment, which absolutely knocked the stuffing out of me. I mean you can't tell a sweet old lady to sod off especially at her friends funeral- I was devastated- obviously at losing my gran but then having to realise I now am so fat I look pregnant. Oh the shame and the humiliation- words cannot describe. I was also soo angry. Angry that my weight once again is an issue for someone else. That they felt the need to mention it- ok she thought I was pregnant but I just want to be seen as me, not my weight. In my mind I throttled her very slowly but worse than that she had made me realise just how big I had got.
And then this year I was with my 7 year old nephew, who as much as I love him, there are times I could kill him. I was playing with him when he turned the subject to babies and he knows where they come from. I said oh, where do they come from- surprised they are covering this topic at school so early. To my horror he then poked my belly and said in there, in your fat tummy. I was mortified. Again I found myself having to say 'No I am just fat'. My mum was in the room whose pitiful look almost drove me to tears, but what can you say to a 7 year old?
I felt my self esteem drop even lower than it already is. I always thought I carried my weight relatively well, I'm broad shouldered with child baring hips and solid, so by no stretch of the imagination would ever be considered petite, but apparently no I just look fat and pregnant and am not carrying my weight well at all- the feeling is so difficult to describe, but I guess absolute disappointment in myself, shame, and humiliation- it was like being slapped around the face.
It's taken me a while to get over it- ok I'm not over it at all, but I am now addressing it. I really never ever want to e mistaken for a pregnant lady unless I am actually pregnant.
I've had other stories I will share as I write more which will remind me of why I don't want to stay this size and why I have to stick to this diet and manage it once I have completed it. I want to be able to hold my head up high and not have to worry about people seeing my fat rather than seeing me.
I'm in the same boat regards to the surgery thing. This is my last ditch attempt. Although I'm thinking bypass rather than band.
Your stories almost had me in tears. I''ve never had anything said to me, but I get looks so often.
We can do this!
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Absolutely sparkswillfly! I am adamant that this will be my last diet - I never want to let myself get into this state again. I am worth more and I can do it! I am an adult and can take responsibility of my weight- no more passing the blame or excuses!
So week 1 is done! Had my weigh in this evening and I've lost 4 kgs or 8.8lbs - Woohoo! I am so happy. I have to admit I was secretly hoping for more as you see some of the big losses reported but I'm still feeling very proud of myself. A good start. But this isn't a sprint it's a marathon so every lb is a step in the right direction.
I had a team lunch today as well as the cheescake factory which is normally reason to overindulge. I haven't told my team I'm doing this as i suppose I'm a bit embarrassed and don't want to deal with the questions and opinions so decided to eat, so chose the healthiest thing on the menu, which was only 315 calories and all protein and salad and have only had one shake so hoping it will balance out ok. Felt very empowered as I declined pudding and chose a black coffee instead and watched my colleagues enjoy their cheesecakes. Then watched them suffer from feeling overly full and sick. It's the first time I've left there not feeling like I needed rolling out and it felt great.
I can do this!
Week 1 - 4kgs or 8.8lbs
That is a good first week over half a stone!
By the way I love the name of your diary:)
Thank you mini, yes I am pleased with that :) thats a new born baby I've just taken of my non pregnant but looks pregnant belly :)
wow- just looked at my BMI and it's already gone down to 37.8- Thats incredible! one step closer to being healthy
Doing great job Kitty!! My congratulations! Just wonderful results! Keep going;-))
Thank you Ginger, :bliss:It's a good feeling!
I have been reading this forum for around a week now and have read successes and stories etc. Now have built up the courage and am seeing a CDC tom. Will start on the 2nd July (Mum is 65 on the 1st and Im doing family dinner)
But I would to say I started reading your story and was gripped with some of what you were saying, either about yourself or others around you.
So I'd like to sat thank you in advance for that 'shift' I felt to go for it and take the blunge.
I know I will be needed help / support and tips when I do start but I'm actually looking forward to it now.
Well done in your loss a brilliant start to you goal.
Wooo well done, i'm a similar starting weight to you. I've got my first weigh in on Thurs, hope I have the same results!
That's great Wannabesize12, it is by no means easy but it's so worth sticking with it and I'm so glad my stories have helped to inspire you. If it was easy we'd all be a size 10 but sadly to get what you want takes effort and commitment. Be strong and do whatever it takes to get through it!
Good luck on Thursday Holly- how are you feeling? I could feel a difference in my body within a couple of days, my waist certainly seemed less bloblike. I was desperate to weigh in between but I've been a scales whore all my life which is a habit I want to break so am resisting and just weighing at my weigh in. That and the batteries in my scales needs replacing so its a bit of cold turkey!
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