So I find myself in a horrible mess and the fact that I'm messaging makes me realize that I know I am in a mess, but I'm struggling because I can't seem to rectify this mess. Before you read on, if you are a "man up" or "get a grip" kind of person, don't waste time reading on, as I have had enough of that from people around me!!
So my story....
I started dieting in October 2012 on Cambridge Diet and lost 3 stone before becoming poorly and stopping the shakes and continuing calorie counting and exercising. I lost 6.5 stone in a year and half, prior to my wedding in the summer. Unfortunately 2 months later, after the wedding, I found out my husband had been having an affair and it sent me a little crazy.
I obsessively started exercising (every day 2 hours in the gym without fail - sometimes getting to the gym at 3.30am to ensure I did my workout!) and I calorie counted within an inch of its life (weighing every morsel that passed my mouth). Realistically I should have lost lots more weight, but I didn't because every other Sunday I would binge ALOT. I'd eat everything, as in everything!!!! You could imagine. Cake, pizza, whole boxes of cereal, full packs of biccys, packets of pasta, tubs of ice cream. Clearly over 10,000 calories worth of food. The thought of it scares me.
So this cycle repeated. Eat nothing for 2 weeks (about 400 calories a day) and exercise for 2 hours followed by a binge on the 2nd Sunday. So I never lost, but I never gained. I guess this cycle could have continued, but then I got even worse. I began feeling so guilty on these binge days, that I started making myself sick on these Sundays. I'd eat, drink water and make myself sick about 10 times on the Sunday.
I spent some time living at my mums, and she wasn't happy with this and took me to my GP. I was urgently referred to an ED clinic and went to the appointments and was "diagnosed" with bulimia. This annoyed me more than you understand because I'm not skinny. I'm not really close to thin - 5ft 9 and 11 stone (give or take depending on how far away from the binge I was).
Unfortunately my mind takes over and whilst at these appointments at the clinic, I was analyzing what was being said and nodding and agreeing but in my head was just thinking "get a grip... I'm fine". Because of this... I've stopped going.
I now have got myself in a mess. I binge and purge everyday - about 8 times. I spend £50 a day on bad food and eat until I feel I can't move, before making myself until my eyes are swollen And my head is in agony. Despite this horrible feeling, I do it again and again and again. I haven't gained weight - I also haven't lost. But I can't get out of this binge purge cycle. It's mortifying.
I live alone, so no one can see me and I'm a teacher so I have 6 weeks where no one needs know about this horrible cycle. If I see friends, I don't eat... I wait until no one is around and then binge and purge. Sometimes going out at odd times to feed, before returning to be sick.
Writing this down, I can hear how mental and ridiculous it sounds - I know what I'm doing is wrong. But I can't stop. I want to be skinny. I also love food. The feeling after I have purged is more satisfying than the feeling of force feeding myself.
If anyone has any wise words, advice, personal experiences I would appreciate it so much.
I've tried everything - I don't seem to listen to family/GPs... They just don't get it.
Thanks for your help x