- 1 Post By Llamasoks
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I'm in a mess - can anyone help?
So I find myself in a horrible mess and the fact that I'm messaging makes me realize that I know I am in a mess, but I'm struggling because I can't seem to rectify this mess. Before you read on, if you are a "man up" or "get a grip" kind of person, don't waste time reading on, as I have had enough of that from people around me!!
So my story....
I started dieting in October 2012 on Cambridge Diet and lost 3 stone before becoming poorly and stopping the shakes and continuing calorie counting and exercising. I lost 6.5 stone in a year and half, prior to my wedding in the summer. Unfortunately 2 months later, after the wedding, I found out my husband had been having an affair and it sent me a little crazy.
I obsessively started exercising (every day 2 hours in the gym without fail - sometimes getting to the gym at 3.30am to ensure I did my workout!) and I calorie counted within an inch of its life (weighing every morsel that passed my mouth). Realistically I should have lost lots more weight, but I didn't because every other Sunday I would binge ALOT. I'd eat everything, as in everything!!!! You could imagine. Cake, pizza, whole boxes of cereal, full packs of biccys, packets of pasta, tubs of ice cream. Clearly over 10,000 calories worth of food. The thought of it scares me.
So this cycle repeated. Eat nothing for 2 weeks (about 400 calories a day) and exercise for 2 hours followed by a binge on the 2nd Sunday. So I never lost, but I never gained. I guess this cycle could have continued, but then I got even worse. I began feeling so guilty on these binge days, that I started making myself sick on these Sundays. I'd eat, drink water and make myself sick about 10 times on the Sunday.
I spent some time living at my mums, and she wasn't happy with this and took me to my GP. I was urgently referred to an ED clinic and went to the appointments and was "diagnosed" with bulimia. This annoyed me more than you understand because I'm not skinny. I'm not really close to thin - 5ft 9 and 11 stone (give or take depending on how far away from the binge I was).
Unfortunately my mind takes over and whilst at these appointments at the clinic, I was analyzing what was being said and nodding and agreeing but in my head was just thinking "get a grip... I'm fine". Because of this... I've stopped going.
I now have got myself in a mess. I binge and purge everyday - about 8 times. I spend £50 a day on bad food and eat until I feel I can't move, before making myself until my eyes are swollen And my head is in agony. Despite this horrible feeling, I do it again and again and again. I haven't gained weight - I also haven't lost. But I can't get out of this binge purge cycle. It's mortifying.
I live alone, so no one can see me and I'm a teacher so I have 6 weeks where no one needs know about this horrible cycle. If I see friends, I don't eat... I wait until no one is around and then binge and purge. Sometimes going out at odd times to feed, before returning to be sick.
Writing this down, I can hear how mental and ridiculous it sounds - I know what I'm doing is wrong. But I can't stop. I want to be skinny. I also love food. The feeling after I have purged is more satisfying than the feeling of force feeding myself.
If anyone has any wise words, advice, personal experiences I would appreciate it so much.
I've tried everything - I don't seem to listen to family/GPs... They just don't get it.
Thanks for your help x
- Rep Power
Diet: Tesco Diets & Fitbit
Start Weight: 135kg
Current Weight: 106kg
Goal Weight: 75kg
Start BMI: 49.5
Current BMI: 38.9
Goal BMI: 27.5
Total Weight Loss: 29kg
Weight to Lose: 31kg
% Lost 21.47%
You don't have to be skinny to have an eating disorder. I've been overweight since I was 10, and I am bulimic as well (haven't purged in about 10 years, so it can be done, though it is hard).
Originally Posted by dietryhelpneeded
I fear you aren't going to like my advice. I think you should give the ED clinic another try. See if there are any group therapy sessions available, since you feel that GPs and family members don't get it. It might help to talk to others going through the same thing.
Having been there, I really think you DO need professional medical help, which you aren't going to find on the Internet. I wish you all the best in your recovery. xx
Oh Honey, it's painful reading it, let alone living it.
Whilst I can't give you a way out of the cycle, it's a very personal thing and what works for one will not work for another, I can empathize and offer support. I had a very small form of Anorexia when I was 17, fortunately for me I sorted it before it could make me ill or before I had to seek medical help. I lost about 4 stone in 3-4 weeks, so I can totally relate to how it screws with your head as well as your body.
I think the most important thing for you to try and get your head around (and this really isn't a get a grip post, I'm so sorry if it comes across like it) is that your life shouldn't be about being skinny, it should be about being healthy and happy, and you're not happy doing this. I know that totally doesn't help when you're in that cycle. I notice you'd said that you go out with friends but don't eat, have you spoken to anyone other than family/GP about this, sometimes your friends can be a much better support than your family.
I do agree though, I think you need to speak to people who have been through the same thing, maybe not in an official medical capacity like through a GP, but there is help out there.
If you ever need to chat, we're a very good place to vent.
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- Rep Power
Diet: Slimming World
Start Date: 23rd July 2014
Goal Date: However long it takes...see how much I get off by December I guess!
Originally Posted by dietryhelpneeded
Wow this is so so familiar. I can't go into it too much because I don't have time but if you read the first entry of my diary you'll probably see the similarities.
All I can say is that for me, and I'm very early on in my journey, slimming world seems to be the most promising thing I've done to get myself out of the rut. I threw my scales away, bought 12 weeks to commit myself and just do what the guidelines say. No calorie counting, nothing banned - makes it easier to avoid getting obsessive.
You have to reach the point where you have really REALLY had enough of this insane cycle - it messes with your head so much, I know, but I also know that there are pockets where you feel like you can tackle it. For me, I grabbed this and used it to sign up for slimming world. I thought I'd never get out of the binge/purge cycle because I just can't do without the masses of food in one hit, but eating as much as you want as long as you attempt to keep in the guidelines seems to be working. I had to leave myself open to the possibility of a small loss and I was convinced I'd gained first week. But then it turned out I'd lost 7 pounds - I'd done this without the horrible restricting I normally did - the same weight I'd often get off the first week of cambridge.
I know you hate the whole situation and you wish you could change but until you really hit that point where you know, deep inside - not just paying it lip service - that if you do nothing to seriously address this, your life is going to be nothing but your eating disorder, you won't change. I eventually reached the point where I looked at my life up til now of extreme ed behaviour and had to say to myself that no matter what I thought of diet 'clubs' like WW, SW or RC - my methods of controlling weight weren't working. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. I HAD to try something else and to avoid obsessive counting which leads to purging and restriction as well as constant weighing, I went to sw.
This might not be right for you and by no means am I saying this is the route you need to take. You obviously realise that the ed is not just to do with food and weight. For me it has always been a control thing - which is probably why I found it so difficult to loosen my grip on things undertaking a more 'liberal' plan than cambridge, if you will - and you absolutely have to be open and truly willing to address those issues.
I can't comment on ed therapy because I haven't been - it's something I'm still considering now that I feel I can work with it and sw together. But, and I hope she's ok with me saying this (sure she will be) one member RaeRae is going through the therapy and while it was difficult at the start because she wasn't one for talking about her 'feelings', she feels it's helping now. Maybe have a look at her diary?
The fact that you've written this indicates to me that you're in a place where you accept the issues and that something absolutely HAS to change - for the sake of your health if nothing else. Please try to take a step away from everything. Look at it objectively. If you don't make a commitment, even if it's just for say 6 weeks - so there's an 'end' to it if it's too much - you won't get anywhere. Take some action now because if you keep putting it off, 6 months down the line you'll be in the same place if not worse.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh and makes sense, it's difficult to express what I want to say concisely in little time on here. There is no 'man up' about it - EDs are terrible things which need time and space to be sorted out, but they CAN be dealt with. You absolutely can overcome this and learn to have a more normal relationship with food. It really isn't an all or nothing approach - I eat more than I ever did when I was in deep ed territory, more consistently - no more mental turmoil while starving for weeks - and still losing weight.
I know it's tough as hell but you need to make an initial commitment to try to address it. ED referrals can be hard to come by - make the most of what you have, give it a good go. Listen to what the 'experts' have to say - many bullimics are normal or overweight but the label isn't important. Try a group and see if you benefit from the collective encouragement. Basically, try something different. Just give it a chance.
MASSIVE hugs, I know it just takes over your life and I hope you find the strength to try to address it. It's a really brave thing to write all that down - you can be brave enough to abandon this behaviour and take your life back.
12 week countdown to see how much comes off the healthy way!
WI: 1 -7lbs
4-4.5lbs * (sotw)
1 stone award!
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