I do not know where to start, and to be frank, I don't know exactly what I am looking to achieve by writing this, but I am just so down.
This is not my first time on this site. I put on a lot of weight a while back and out of sheer desperation turned to Exante. I actually did very well, and almost got to a stage where I was no longer repulsed by my own shadow. I maintained this for a while and actually began 'living' (I have only touched upon a very long, and very convoluted issue here). As time went on I found myself looking to the future, and for once feeling excited for what could be ahead.
However this was short lived. My parents took two weeks off work and I indulged myself every day of those two weeks because food is a very big part of Italian life. It has now been a shocking three to four months since then, and as I have continued in this vein, I am disgustingly obese again, and am in a really shocking state.
I have forced myself to go back into higher education (I am 20) and have never felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. My face is full of acne, and is continually swollen. I seriously cannot bare to look like me. Everyday I start with the intention to stop this ridiculous cycle, but find myself back in it by the end of the day. I simply cannot stop eating and I don't know what to do, or who to turn to. I was so disciplined before.
I have brought some more sachets of Exante in the hope that it will kick start my old regime again, but to no avail. I cannot imagine being where I was before, it seems unreachable, impossible even. I am not turning up to college for days at a time because I am literally so embarrassed for being myself, and by the way I look.
I am mortified just writing this post, I am such a mess. This only scrapes the surface of a very deep, and very painful matter which has plagued me for over a decade. There is seemingly no way out.