Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

[Blonde Logic]

It is time to start putting down my thoughts, hopes, successes, dissappointments, etc. as I embark on what has got to be my last journey to lose this horrible shell I have been trapped in for far too long. It is time to live again. It feels a bit odd to be bearing my soul to a forum of faceless people - but people who I hope over time will become faceless people I will call my friends. I ask myself, 'would anyone really even be interested in reading your ramblings?' But it will be therapuetic I think, for me to do it. But I must confess - it is quite scary posting this none the less.

I must warn - I can go on. And on. And I can become very sentimental, emotional, sometimes even gushy. Once upon a time, I would offer to readers in a forum such as this a cookie if they made it to the end of my posts. In this case, I will offer a nice refreshing glass of water.

As my ticker indicates, I am attending my first session of Lighter Life on 7-1-08. And for the first time last night, I felt a fire in my chest. Desire. Desire to change. Forever. Once and for all. I know it is going to be one hell of a journey. One which both exhilerhates and terrifies me.

The exhileration comes from knowing, if I succeed, I will be lighter. In body and in spirit. And I am so very tired of being heavy in both areas. I have been trapped in guilt and grief for the past 14 years. And I have had an underlying sadness, if I am honest, most of life. While at the same time, being outwardly happy. Its very hard for me to understand myself....a bit of a kunundrum here. When I am active, and around others, I am happy, bright and cheerful. But there is always an underlying sadness. I have a few ideas where this may stem from. And I am sure I will address these issues on my journey. I must address why I do certain things - like why do I express my love in my art, in my creativity, but lack the ability to show the same deep feelings on a personal level - face to face. Why I feel unworthy, that my love will be unwanted. Is that why I use canvas, clay, - they won't show me the look of revulsion I expect-yet never get?

Man oh man - this is going to be one emotinal ride. That I know for sure.

What scares me about this, is the obvious previous attempts and failures. And severing the tie for months with the one thing I could always count on: Food. I could count on it for comfort. For company. For sport. For Joy. For sadness. For love. For loneliness. For anger. For punishment. For biting of my nose to spite my blumin face. For excuses. For isolation and protection. For all the BS one can imagine. It is my drug. And I am an addict. And I am scared.

I miss my family. I have been away 7 years, and while I see them once a year, this is the seventh Christmas I have not spent with my mother, brothers, friends. I have not told any of them what I am embarking on. I am not sure why. Is it to come home next year, half my size to surprise and delight? Or is it because I do not want to imagine them thinking to themselves, 'here she goes again...'?

Christmas makes me feel quite sad, as I lost my dearest friend 14 years ago at Christmas time. My Dad. And not a day has passed that is has gotten easier as so many people promised me all those years ago. I have only become a master at hiding the pain I feel each day and have resigned to the fact that part of me died in 1993 too. After 14 years, I cannot change the way I feel.....but I can change the way I deal.

Now I must face the things that I carry the guilt around for. I was never one to carry guilt - I have surprisingly become quite adept at it. Which is just an added weight to carry around. One would think I had enough of that already. I am not guilty for things unsaid. But maybe I feel this overwhelming guilt for letting myself and others down. For leaving my first husband - who ironically played a very significant role in my becoming who and what I am today? And whose deception caused me to make life changing decisions, which are irreversible and have caused great heartache. It surely is unhealthy to feel guilt when some would say he should feel guilty. Maybe he does. Maybe not. But that won't help me one way or another. Am I guilty for the two babies I lost so long ago? Or does that go in the grief section? It all gets very confusing. But the one thing that is clear - is I do punish myself. And in doing so, I punish others, mainly my husband. I am only half a person, so he loses out on a complete wife. I am lucky that he knows I am in there, that he has faith in me, and that he loves ME - no matter what. So I do this for me. And no one else.

I know the source of guilt for certain in one area of my life, and that is moving so far from my mother, at this late stage in her life. She turns 90 in May, and I am 6000 miles away - and I am terrified something will happen to her before I get back. Asd this too weighs on me daily. Maybe it is more fear then guilt - I know she only wants me to be happy - but I know she misses me terribly, and longs for me to return.

So many things to finally address rathar then squelch with food.

What I hope to find on this journey is the young woman that I one day decided was not worthy of love, whom I buried under this armour of fat. I believe I may have caught a very very brief glimpse of her looking back at me in the mirror a few days ago. Only a flash - but enough to let me know she is still in there. She must be as brave as I must. It is scary for both of us. She's been away a long long time.

That's enough for now.

[peanut]

Hey BL,

Im trying to quote part of your post here but cant get it to work so shall type it instead:

I cannot change the way I feel.....but I can change the way I deal.

BL, your post was so honest and I am glad that you shared with us all on minimins. Many parts reflect similar things in my life and I cannot tell you how good it feels to take control of this part of your life. I never thought i would/could. I have somethings in my life that have happeneded that same as you I cannot change how I feel about them inside - but i have changed how I deal with them. That line in your post was like it was written in flashing red bulbs for me.

I have been through a couple of major life events in the 2 months and started LL in the middle and do you know what I didnt turn to food once. It actaully felt amazing to have control of ME as I could not control the things that where happening around me as they where not mine to control. But i was in charge of me and what i put in my mouth and you know what - it made it all easier. And even while everything else was rubbish - I was getting thineer! Even small things when I would usually turn to food - like failing my driving test yesterday - I didnt do it. I watched X factor and had a cuddle instead and knew it wasnt the end of the world and that a curry would not suddenly mean i passed - just that i cheated on my diet instead and didnt want to do that!

I know what you mean about being 'half' of the person you actually are because of the sheild of weight. I felt the same... my sheild is coming away now and I tell you my smile has never been so big.

We are all here for you through your journey and you should be proud that you are giving yourself the best present in the world.

Well done you and it will be great I promise!

Penaut xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Blonde Logic]

Thank you Peanut. As I was typing, I was thinkiong I was sure there would be some who would relate to some of what I said. I am going to be really glad there are people here like you - understanding is half the battle!! I am pleased for your success!!! And looing forward to mine.

[Zomble]

Oh my goodness, Blonde Logic, what a soul-baring post. I can see why you are so keen to get going, but also a bit anxious about it. Congratulations on seeing yourself so clearly, and every good wish in the world for the journey to the new (old?) you.

You sound as if you have just reached a point in your life where you need to change and reinvent yourself. That's where I am too, though I haven't had your troubles. I would say, though, that because I've been so clear about why I'm losing the weight, and because I'm just doing it for myself, I've found it easy to stick to the programme and haven't wanted to cheat. I really hope you find it easy too.

[Blonde Logic]

Thank you ZOmble - thanks very much fory our kind words.

[Blonde Logic]

OK, here goes. Here is an example of my bad behaviour.

The day started out poorly. JUst as I was out the door to work me and my OH had an argument. It wasn't even an argument. It was him in a very bad mood, and my walking out on him for it as I did not want to be shouted at because he is mad at something else.

So I felt bad already going in to work.

I soon had a headache....and my neck which has been playing up for 8 months started to hurt again.

Not long after that, I went to say hello to a colleague. I soon noticed one of my diamonds in my wedding ring was missing. THey are family diamonds, and I am gutted to have lost it. It can be replaced of course, but it will not bring back the 100 or so years the diamonds been in the family.

So I am having a right pity party me.

Its now approaching lunchtime, and I decide I will go to the kanteen and get a turkey and cranberry sandwhich sine I didn't have time this morning to pack a lunch.

I get to the Kanteen and see a nice loking salad and decide I will have that instead - looks nice and is better for me.

I get to the hot counter to get in queue. ANd out of my mouth blurts, "Small chips please." SO I get both. And I am sat here eating the chips and they taste like garbage.

WHY DID I ORDER THEM!!!???

This is the type of behaviour I want to learn about. In one fraction of a second I went from a healthy lunch to adding on rubbish that I did not need or want.

BUT - I have just tossed more then half the chips in the bin, and am now ENJOYING the salad. SO, hooray me. For that anyway. Still feel poo about myself.

I really hate that about me. I hope I change it.

[cc28]

oh poor you. I am the same I get things on autopilot when I have a bad day. Before I can think it through I am sat there eating something bad for me and I always think "I am not even enjoying this"! Def take it as a learning experience.

I find now that after the one incident I can curb or stop the behaviour whereas before LL I would continue searching for the food that will hit the spot all day. FOr example going back and get more chips in the hopes they will be hotter and niccer and it that didnt work then going to the vending machine for piles of chocolate. Then cake on the way home, a takeaway for dinner (just cos), and so on and so on until I was too full to enjoy anything and I would just keep picking anyway and end up more miserable.

So what would the old you have done? Compare it to now where you realised they were not even nice, then you said to yourself I am noticing I am behaving in a way that I dont like and is not helping, then you posted on here for support. All great things to do considering!

[Blonde Logic]

Awww, thanks CC...that was nice.

It is funny how absent minded we can be, and I felt good that I at least recognised it and binned the chips.

It is far too soon to say I am learning or changed or anything like that - very early days for me. BUt trying to be aware is a good thing.

Thanks for the support hon - it means alot.

[Zomble]

Hello BL! Several things strike me from your post. One is that your day started with OH being grumpy with you about something unconnected with you. Is there any way you can talk to him about this (at the right moment, obviously!)? Because if you're getting that sort of thing on a frequent basis, it will undermine all the good you're trying to do. I'm not suggesting big confrontation (I don't do that unless my back's really against the wall!) but a friendly 'need you and me to be on the same side' kind of chat.

The other thing is that you seem to take your lack of perfect control around food as evidence that you are more generally a bad person, which doesn't follow, y'know. It's only food, which is not really a moral thing. If you were shoplifting or beating your children I wouldn't be saying this, but food... well, we just like it too much and are a bit weak - not bad. I've seen my daughter (looks like a model, dammit!) do the same thing. Most people have weak moments around food, and even when we are at goal and have gone through Management I'm sure we will still have weak moments. It's just that then we will only have them occasionally, our general diets will be better and we will be very aware of our habits. We won't be better or worse people, just thinner and more controlled in our eating.

Lastly (I will stop preaching, I promise!!!) I think you will benefit sooo much from LL as it will give you the chance to get the control you want, plus a complete holiday from the whole issue of food so that you can stand back and examine yourself and your habits without any pressure. I hope January rolls around really fast - you sound raring to go!

[Dom1979]

Hi Blonde logic!

Just wanted to post on your thread. I get a real feeling from reading your posts that this is your time, and you will succeed. LL is not easy, but for me, it was the easiest way to lose weight. Maintaining is the hard bit, but I don't feel I'm doing too badly. Most importantly, LL gave me my life back, or, more correctly, gave me a life! I was slowly rotting to death, aged 26. Not a good look. Now I'm living life to the full at 28!!

I have a few 'top tips' for the first few days and beyond if you are interested

1. Take paracetamol every 4 hours to avoid getting ketosis headaches. I did this for the first 3 days and it really helped (because I used to use headaches as an excuse to eat, not having one worked!)

2. To make up the shakes, I found the best thing was a bar mix - like a Braun one. I got mine from Argos and it was the best thing I ever did, especially my breakfast 'vanilla lattes' (filter coffee, mixed with a vanilla pack, tastes like a vanilla flavoured starbucks, mmmmm). No lumps, perfect. And now I use it to make healthy soups and sauces.

3. If you can get hold of some mix-a-mousse you can make chocolate mousse and that is yummy too.


4. The thought records are the most fantastic tool you are going to be learning to use, and I still use them now. I won't explain further now, but if you want to ask me anything about it (actually, feel free to PM me anytime!) feel free!

5. You CAN do it - the first 2 weeks are the worst, then it is much much easier.

6. Don't cheat. At all. It's not worth it. Even if you have to cling on minute by minute (which I did at one point, I just kept thinking, 'I won't eat for another minute', and the minutes then turned into hours and before I knew it, the day from hell was over and after a sleep life was better again!)


Ummmmmm, I'm sure there is so much more, but I can't think of it at the moment.

Good luck! Can't wait to see you succeeding in 2008.

D x

[Blonde Logic]

Thank you Zomble and Dom - great posts, with great insight and tips. THanks so much. I'd like to write more bu msut get ready for work - just wanted to say thansk, and I'll be back later to write more!!

[Dom1979]

PS. I was scared too, terrified in fact. But that was soon replaced by excitement!