WARNING! WARNING! Pity party ahead - proceed with caution.....
Woke up feeling very emotional...just a bit weepy for no known reason. I have just looked at loads of before and after pics - and I think the realisation that I can shed this weight, my war wounds, that I really can become slim and healthy and normal, seeing so many others do it, well, it just feels very emotional. I think it makes me mad too, realising how much I let others words and actions impact me - how I let them take away any love for myself and let me do this to myself....each layer of fat that I thought was protection has slowly been killing me. How much life I have missed. How many years I have spent smiling on the outside, while dying on the inside - afraid for anyone to see my real feelings because that would then make them really LOOK at meand really SEE me. Does that make sense?
It feels good to cry. Having kept it all locked up for so long. I imagine this is the first of many little meltdowns to come. I don't feel bad right now - just releasing some pent up sadness I think. And regret I suppose.
Ironically, one of the things that makes me most sad, is that my Dad will never see me slim. His death was a turning point in my life, and I really packed it on after that - that horrible year. I Lost my dad, my business, my marraige, my dog, and my ability to have children (a very complicated situation believed to be based on medical reasons, but as the truth wills out always, has come to light last year that it was a lie my ex husband fed me, but thats an entirely different story, maybe for another time). All in one year. It was too much. I have never recovered from Dads death - that was in 1993 and may as well have been last week really. THe marraige was broken already yet still functioning under false pretenses, so noone was there for comfort while I greived. Except food. That is when it really started piling on big stylee. I thought it was helping me greive, when in reality it prevented me from greiving - somthing I have never done properly. The weight was already there - but it really got bad then. I think I felt like dying, yet didn't have the courage, so food became a slow form of suicide. I just didn't care enough about my life without my dad. It felt life was going to be sooooooo long. And empty - he really was my hero. I adored him. I know that is one of the main reasons I got to where I am today. And now, with this new found hope and resolution - I am so sad he will never see me slim. I know he didn;t care - he loved me unconditionally - I was his little girl always. It just would have made me so happy to make him really proud. I hate what I have become. But I am going to learn to put those bad thoughts away. For good. Once and for all. I have to. Far too late, but better then never.
It would be easy to blame everything on others actions, but I know I must take responsibility. I was weak, and allowed this to happen to myself be it at a conscious or subconsious level - it doesn;t matter. I did it. And now I must, MUST, undo all the damage.
I am scared, because now I am full of enthusiasm and gusto to dot his 100% - but I always had been in the past, and always failed and a horrible little voice in my head still tries to tell me I will probably fail here too. However, the big voice in the front of my head says I will be successful. And that voice MUST win out. And the other silenced. Forever.
Oy. What a way to start the day. But I feel better. Thanks for reading if you made it through my pity party. I am not looking for sympathy - just trying to learn to understand myself. And purging seems to help.
One day at a time.
Just one day at a time.
Thank you to those who have succeeded that have given me for the first time real hope. And thank you to those just starting on this journey for showing me strong resolve.
Together we can get there. (I hope. <----thats that little voice I mentioned)
xxx
