An end has a start
I've had about 100 diaries on here, but as I'm starting fresh on day one today, I'm starting a new diary. The below is something I posted a couple of days ago on my old diary and sums up how I'm feeling right now.
I am the classic yo-yo dieter. I've always been overweight from the age of eight. It was probably earlier, but this was the first time I remember it being an issue or mentioned. I'm in my 30's now to give some kind of context. I can remember every time I was 'thin' - when I was 16, after my GCSE's I stopped eating between meals and got down to 10st. When I was in my last year of university I ate healthier and started exercising more, I honestly have no idea what I weighed then, but I was wearing a size 12 so was probably around 10st again. I got really fat after meeting my now husband in my early 20's and since then I feel like I've been on the emotional dieting roller coaster that I now want to get off. I've been back and too to SW and WW over those 13 years, the most successful being when I got to my WW goal weight of 9st 10lbs. My heaviest (while not pregnant!) is 12 and a half stone which I've hit a few times in that time.
So that is my journey, but it doesn't really tell the emotions behind it. I'm one of four kids, the middle child between my brother and younger twin sisters. There is only 6 years between the four of us. It's something I've never fully appreciated until having my own son, but my parents had their work cut out with us and I do sometimes feel like my needs were neglected in favour of my siblings. My mum was also not the best. She did her best, but honestly I don't think she was cut out to be a mum, she doesn't know how to handle or express her emotions, so it all comes out in mood swings, and she is a domineering person. She wants things done her way or not at all. As for my dad, I just feel like he was hardly there with working away a lot. I know this is very woe is me and it's all the fault of the parents, but it has raised me into a person who has little self confidence, I feel like I'm not good enough, I'm afraid that no one will like or love me as I am and I don't deserve to be happy. I have spent years telling myself I am not good enough. If I am not overweight anymore I won't have anything to beat myself up about anymore. I can't imagine my life without all those demons.
Then we move onto my relationship. Can it purely be coincidence that all this got really crazy when I met my husband?! I feel like I don't deserve a happy relationship. I feel like I can't show the real me in my relationship because then he won't love me. I feel like I have to put myself last and my OH's and LO's needs first because I am not important and don't matter. I have spent the years with him supressing my emotions, stuffing my face to numb the pain and then trying to diet to lose the weight as a solution. If I am thin I will have to address this, I will have to let my husband, my son and my family see the real me. I will have to start putting myself first, I will have to find hobbies and interests, I will have to go out there and meet people. I don't know if I can do that.
So well done if you read all of that!
As of 12noon today I weigh 12st. Spooky! I want to lose at least 2st, 3st would be brilliant, but I'm realistic.
I was going to join a SW group near me, but it's not until Wednesday and I just want to get started now! In the past I've said to myself wait until class and eat what you want until then. But today I didn't want to do that. Because another 5 days of eating rubbish is just going to make my problems worse! So as of this afternoon I am on plan.
More for myself, but here is a list of reasons why I am doing this now -
My son turned one in March and I now weigh the same as I did after I had him, I've put on all the baby weight I lost
I don't feel like myself, I feel like I'm wearing a fat costume
None of my clothes fit me, so again I don't feel like 'me'
My MIL had a serious stroke recently as a direct consequence of her weight. I do not want that to happen to me
This morning all my jeans that fit me were in the wash, so I had to squeeze into a too tight pair to wear to the shops
My legs look like sausages in skinny jeans
My stomach looks like I'm 6 months pregnant
My bum is huge and covered in cellulite
My upper arms giggle
I feel bloated, tired and sluggish
I'm afraid I will keep getting bigger and bigger
Got off to a brilliant start. Last night I made a yummy tea with lots of roast veg. I made extra to make up a super free soup for lunch today.
I'm doing a red day today, always seem to like them better. I made a big cooked breakfast this morning and despite being in work since 7am I'm not hungry at all. I'd usually be starving by now! OH has also put a lovely tea in the slow cooker for us for tonight, yummy
Good for you, for recognising what is behind your emotional eating. I do the same, for me it was mixed messages from my mother underlying my relationship with food then later in life I had a baby that died and my husband became ill when our second child was born. Years down the line we realised he is autistic and life just got too much for him and he retired to bed. He also got addicted to alchohol and prescription painkillers as a way of dealing with emotions and situations that are so much easier for the neurotypicals. Having said that he has changed himself immensly, he works, holds down a demanding job and is very supportive of me and all the family.
Many more years down the line our son, third child had difficulties (long story cut very short) and ended up in hospital for mental health issues. He was diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum. During the 10 months he was there he was getting better and I lost stones, was wearing a loose size 14 when he came ou. Then he got worse and I got fatter again, he went back to hospital, sectioned again. I again lost weight as his condition improved. He came out, got worse and I got fatter again.
My family never dealt with emotions, we just didn't talk about them until the difficult situation or feelings had been well and truly suppressed. I have been learning over the years to have a diferent approach.
I do so know what you mean about not feeling like yourself, I would wonder where all this extra had come from.
Really well done on your new start, making the list of the things you hate about being fat is a great idea. I've learnt that it is usefull to also make a list of all the good things you want to gain from losing weight so you have two sorts of motivation - away from motivation and towards motivation.
Have you done much reading or listening about the emotional side of weight loss and gain? You sound as though you have been analysing yourself and your background a fair bit.
Thanks so much for sharing Micci, it really sounds like you've had a hard time of things. I'm glad you've written what you have done though cos sometimes I feel like I think about it all too much, I worry I'm making it more complicated than it needs to be.
I've done some reading about emotions and weight loss. There are a few good books I've read - I'll dig out my kindle and get the details if you'd like?
How are you doing on your own weight loss journey now? I'm going to do what you suggested and write a list of benefits to losing weight too I think!
I'm always interested in self help etc type books :) I've been doing SW and had two WIs, and have lost 6.5 lbs. I was a bit disappointed in only losing half a pound the second week, but know why it was. I was very very tired through staying up with my boy who sleeps very badly, and I was makinng some unwise choices. Note, I do not say I was naughty or good about food. It's choices we make, no moral judgement involved at all. Calling the extra calories syns can get me on a good old rant from time to time too, so I will spare you that now ;) ;)
Weight loss is complicated, and has everything to do with what is going on internally. All over weight people know that 'all we have to do is eat less and exercise more'. If it was as simple as that we wouldn't be here now would we? Or yo yo up and down the scales.
OMG you could be telling the story of my life in this last paragraph, a miserable marriage lead me to self destruct with food. Here to subscribe, i'm sure we can keep each other going x
Originally Posted by Mrs CC
Why are you so convinced your husband wouldn't love you if you showed the real you? He might well find you a more interesting person if you have your own interests, hobbies, opinions etc. Perhaps? Re-reading your last paragraph it does sound as if your fat serves a purpose. That purpose being to protect you.
But let's look at it one item at a time. If you lose weight you will be thin and have to expose yourself to your family. So you hide behind your fat and use food to supress the real you. Is that a way to lead your life? I think you have already come to a stage where you cannot go on like this any more. Am I reading this right?
You will have to develop interests and hobbies. You will HAVE to? Because you lose weight, or because you can no longer keep your true self hidden away?
You will HAVE to go out and meet people. Will you? Why?
I'm sorry I was wittering on about myself before and didn't take in the implications of what you were saying. You sound as though you have reached a point in your life were you cannot go on as you were, yet very much fear to change. If you are wanting to move out from the protection that being overweight has given you for years, I can feel for you that it seems scary. It does for anyone. You will need to find strength to do with out what has protected you, and find other ways to feel safe.
People here will help you find that support, but I'm wondering if it is the right time for you to look for professional support as well? Hugs X
You've given me a lot of things to think about. I am still a bit incomfortable talking about my relationship when it comes to all this. I'm sure from the outside it seems like my relationship is crap when it's not. I love my hubby so much and I know deep down he loves me. I've always seem myself as less important, my needs are less important so I've just been the typical wife/mum role. Like on my days off I do all the house work and stuff for my OH and LO, not cos I have to or he makes me but because I believe that I should. In all honestly I don't think my OH cares or notices if I do it or not.
Originally Posted by WasMicci
Today I'm thinking about going to a sw group tomorrow. It's one I went to briefly last year and I'm so wrought up about going. I'm scared of everyone judging me for giving up last time, I feel like I have to prove myself this time. I worry about spending the time and money on myself. I'm afraid of failing and everyone laughing at me for it!
Hello, I'm here to subscribe and follow ypu on your journey if that's ok. You have a lot going on and I understand you may feel guilty about spending the time and money on yourself but you are soooo worth it. Good luck xx
Thanks Rae Rae! You're more than welcome to follow me on my crazy journey!
Originally Posted by Rae Rae
Something a SW consultant said to me when I went crawling back to her group 3 stone heavier and very ashamed was that she took it as a compliment that I had returned. As for people laughing at you, of course they won't. Everyone has known failure. If anyone does laugh at you, they are th ones with problems, not you.
Originally Posted by Mrs CC
You deserve time and money spent on you. You are you, not just the person who does the practical caring things in your family. You have a brilliant title to this thread, and the fact that you are thinking about starting the journey towards the end shows you are valuing yourself. I'm SURE that when your little boy gets old enogh to think about it, he would want his Mummy to be happy and healthy for her own sake. And a loving husband would be wanting the same for you.
There was no pressure meant by what I posted, and I'm very sorry if any of it made you feel uncomfortable. You don't have to talk about your relationship, or anything you want to keep to yourself. Your relationship doesn't sound crap at all. It does sound as though you have rather lost sight of who you are apart from being a wife and mother which happens to lots of us. Heck, the eraly years of motherhood are exhausting, it can be hard to find time to think sometimes.
You really really do deserve to look after yourself, and to have a healthy body but going to the group is entirely up to you. No one is going to give you a hard time for not feeling ready for it, you can follow the plan at home, or decide to leave it for now. It is your choice. More hugs :)
Thanks, you didn't make me feel uncomfortable. I find it difficult to talk about it all without sometimes feeling like I'm slagging my OH off. I also want to talk a lot more about how I'm feeling etc. But then at the same time I find it a bit strange letting others see that and comment on it.
Originally Posted by WasMicci
So I went back to group this morning. I weighed in at 12st 6lbs!!!!!!! I could have cried in all honesty! I'm the same weight I was about this time last year after I had just had my son and went to WW. I'm also a stone heavier than I was last time I went to SW.
For all I'm gutted I'm glad I went. I'm feeling focused now and ready to start fresh. I even walked the mile home from class cos it finished early and it's lovely and sunny out!
I'm sitting with my feet up now with a cuppa cos OH took LO out to soft play while I went to SW. I've got this week off work and am going to be running around after my son the whole time. I'm hoping that can do something positive for my weight loss too!
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