Diary of a Fat Mam
RIGHT. Where do I start? Food has been my friend since I was little. It's the first thing I turn to when anything goes wrong. Or right. Or when I'm bored. Or sad. Or happy. Or tired. Or full of energy. Or it's a day with a Y in it.
As a result, I ended up over 13 stone at the age of 20, met my now husband, got pregnant, and kept gaining after I had our son until I joined Weightwatchers with a friend in June 2011, and stepped on the scales to see 16 stone 4 looking up at me. I cried, my leader told me I'd never have to see that on a scales again, and I went home with my starter pack and my head swimming with propoints. Over the next 8 months I lost almost 3 stone, and started to feel guilty about it because the friend I'd joined with wasn't losing. Every pound I lost, she put on, and I felt bad for losing weight. I didn't have a particularly good leader, either. She didn't like cooking and didn't like drinking water, didn't see the point of exercise. Eventually my friend stopped going and so did I (so did the leader), because I felt lost on my own. I don't drive so I also felt like a burden on family by asking them to bring me to my meeting. I continued the plan at home for a while, but then life got in the way. My father-in-law was terminally ill and needed care from us all. I was also getting married that October (2012)- and I gave up smoking in June after seeing what it had done to him. He died 6 weeks before our wedding, and I got married at just over 15 stone. I tried again with Weightwatchers a few times - I even updated on here - but I would always last about 3-4 weeks and then get really sick of it. Sick of pointing, counting - I got completely obsessive about food and I was spending points on my old friends crisps, alcohol, chocolate, pastries, crackers, coke. Then in February 2013, I found out I was pregnant.
We were overjoyed - our eldest was 9, so it was such happy news to finally be able to give him a little brother or sister. I decided to knuckle down and stop treating my body like a dustbin, but I indulged every single Kebab craving. I didn't weigh myself throughout my pregnancy, I didn't want to know. In July 2013, I went for a routine scan and heard the words - "I think I see another head". At 7 months pregnant, I found out we were having twins (totally outed myself there to anyone who knows me). What followed were 2 months of shock, panic, exhaustion and finally a planned c-section at 38 weeks that resulted in two healthy non-ID baby boys in October 2013.
For the first 12 weeks after they were born, food went out the window. We lived on stuff grabbed from the chipper, or sandwiches, or a packet of chocolate digestives split at 4am. I needed instant energy - both my husband and I put on weight. I tried again with weightwatchers, but I wasn't able to do the grocery shop for the first 4 weeks so you can imagine what my husband came home with. I don't mean to insult any men, I'm sure some are excellent at doing a weekly shop - mine is unfortunately not one of them! When I did get back on my feet, I went overboard with soups & salads & stir fries for about 3 weeks, then the novelty wore off again. I lost and gained the same 6-10 lbs several times over the past few months. The few cans on a Saturday night, chinese on a Friday, and Fry on a Sunday became more of a routine than I'd like to admit. I'd buy packets of things specifically to eat when my husband wasn't at home. I was basically having an affair with jumbo packets of Thai Chilli Crisps, rolls of mini cheddars, and bags of pistachios. I'd eat them so quick I didn't even taste them.
So where does it leave me now? I weighed myself last Thursday and I was 17 stone 4. Something clicked - the same thing that clicked when I gave up smoking (I haven't smoked since the day I stubbed out my last one over 2 years ago) - if I keep doing this, there's a possibility I could die. I could get a heart attack or a stroke and leave 3 young children without a mother. I read a piece from a man who had lost his wife to cancer 6 months earlier and his pain lept off the page. That woman didn't have a choice - I do. I can stop this cycle now, and I need to.
I'm not even sure if anyone will read this (fair play to you if you've read it all), but I need to waffle and ramble for my own sanity. I'm a Stay-at-home-Mum to the boys (eldest is 9, twins are 9mths) and I want to be here to see them grow up. I don't want someone to have to show them one of the very few pictures of me and ask them if they remember me.
A few weeks ago my son came home from school and said "I don't like that boy Jamie". I asked why, and he replied "Because he said you were fat".
No more Fat Mam x
I really admire you for taking control of your life & being so honest,you have a lot going on with 9 month twins so to address your weight at this time takes courage & from what you said you really sound like you mean it :) I can really relate to a lot of what you said especially the eating multipacks of stuff without hubby knowing,im guilty of this too & of binge eating.I wish you all the best on your journey x
Thanks so much tamkat, thank you for reading! I do mean it but I've meant it before and that's what worries me, I go bald-headed into things and then I shun them altogether. Always have. Trying this time to break old bad habits and fit SW into bad days as well as good.
Originally Posted by tamkat
Going to go for a walk this morning, the double buggy is murder to push on a country road but I got a pedometer and I want to see how many steps I can clock up today :)
I'm going to keep my food diary in here instead too, so that I just have one topic to keep track of.
Today's Menu: (Subject to Change)
2 hard-boiled eggs with 2 slices of Hovis Nimble (HEb) and 10g Dairygold light (2 Syns).
Lettuce, beetroot, pickled onions, 40g mozzarella grated (HEa), leftover sweetcorn, leftover peas, ham, leftover roast chicken bits.
Creamy Chicken Curry with Boiled Rice & Spinach (SW recipe).
Packet of Skips (17g) - 4.5 Syns
Walk 4.09km, used Map My Walk app. My pedometer reset itself halfway home, BOO!
You can do it gorgeous!! And with twins its not easy so i admire your courage. I have an 8 month old and find thst hard enough! Dont give up... Do it for your babies xxx
Thanks so much Goose, I'm definitely doing it for my kids as well as myself, don't want them to have a Mam with no energy who's not able to do stuff with them, also don't want them to grow up around bad eating habits, I did and it had a huge effect on me, I was never told NO.
Quite proud of the fact that there's been a multipack of crisps in the house since Sunday and I haven't touched them :)
Today was a good day! The creamy chicken tikka was AMAZING. Never buying a sauce in a jar again! I have a bag of Skips for later on if I want them, but I've hidden them so I know they're there if I want them but I won't be eating them just because they're in front of me. Also ordered new trackie bottoms and a hoodie from the sale section on Littlewoods, I couldn't find anything decent to go walking in this morning.
Busy morning this morning, Fridays were always my danger days on any other plan I tried. It's my grocery day and I never seem to have time for breakfast before getting the kids up & fed & ready for the road - anyway, here's today so far.
Nut Cereal Bar (6 Syns).
Mid-Morning Snack after shopping
Banana, bottle of water & some cherries & gooseberries.
Leftover chicken curry from last night with leftover sweetcorn.
Mullerlight toffee with 20g Nestle Tip Top Spray Cream (3 Syns) and an apple.
60g of a wholemeal sub roll from Aldi (HEb) with 30g cheddar cheese (HEa), 2 slices ham, a gherkin. Side salad with crunchy lettuce, grated carrot, rocket, cucumber, gherkins, spring onions & fat-free vinaigrette.
2 slices of ham, 2 clementines, a banana, 250ml low fat super milk (had a second HEa by accident so 6 Syns for this).
This is the first night I'm really hungry and in danger of going for the bread, very nearly went for a sandwich - had a glass of milk and maxed out my syns (forgot I had already used my HEa, duh) and I don't want to go over on the first week. Had two oranges, a banana, and two slices of ham - should have put on some SW chips an hour ago, too late now. To bed I think :/ Note to self - plan for Fridays better.
You sound so positive, good luck on your journey. Can't wait to hear your first weigh in result :-)
Thanks so much Rae Rae, I really need and want to do this, I'm loving the plan so far, I can see that this is something all the family could do for life :)
Originally Posted by Rae Rae
Breakfast (11.45am after my walk)
3 eggs, scrambled, with a dash of skimmed milk (0.5 Syns) and spring onions. 60g of a wholemeal sub roll (HEb) 3 grilled bacon medallions, 1 tblsp extra light mayonnaise (0.5 Syns), tomato, lettuce. Green tea
Gooseberries, raspberries, strawberries, cherries, cappuccino Mullerlight, 10g Nestle spray cream (1.5 Syns)
Baked potato with 30g cheddar (HEa) mixed leaves, grated carrot, beetroot, 1 slice ham, cucumber, spring onion, cherry tomatoes, fat-free vinaigrette.
Chicken breast with Maggi So Tender Papyrus sheet (1.5 Syns), Lidl dry chow mein noodles, blue dragon chinese vegetables, soy sauce. Can of Coke Zero.
Snack Watching Film
Manhattan Popcorn, 30g bag (6.5 Syns)
5km with the kids, pushing double buggy.
I'm new on here and just reading some diaries for inspiration! Good on you Hun, you sound so determined, I wish you all the luck in the world! I know your story so well in terms of the 'secret eating' and turning to food for all occasions, but you've had a great start so long may it continue! If it's ok with you in will keep checking back and hopefully you can send some will power vibes my way :)
Hi! Thanks so much for reading, and thanks for the good luck :) I'd love if you checked back in, please let me know if you have any threads I can pop by to support you on too xx
Originally Posted by kfowler87
How's your day been? Food looks fab xx
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