Before, during and (eventually) after...Paul's open and honest account.

Wednesday Jan 4th 2012

I'm quite surprised my body hasn't gone into some sort of shock ha! Nearly a week off the ciggis and now a week of eating properly with very little 'crap' food thrown in...Thankfully it hasn't, which makes it easier to continue.

I have very little time to be writing this as I have my promotion interview tomorrow and I've still got a fair bit of research/work to do. So just a quick word from me for now.

Just back from the SW meet and it's been a good first week, a very good one actually. I've been on Red day/Green day for the seven days and have managed to shed 12 and a 1/2 pounds...woot!! Set myself a mini target to lose at least 1 and a 1/2 this coming week to give me a stone loss in a fortnight...I'm pleased I have proof (yet again) that my body does react very well to feeding it properly!!

Not forgetting my thanks for your encouraging words of 'welcome back' etc..They've put a smile on my face and made me feel welcomed again.

I've re read through all my previous posts and there are one or two things that stand out to me, and as to why I did fall off the wagon...Reading them has also rubber-stamped the thoughts I have re my mind set being a little different now...It's all good.

Just to finish for now...got my wife to take some pictures of me a couple of days ago- going to save those and bring them out again when I start my 'before and after' thread. That particular thread may be several months away but it's in the pipeline and it WILL appear on these boards.
 
This is when I find things the most difficult I think...Despite losing nearly a stone in the first week I'm feeling a bit vulnerable re food this morning - I'm not going to waver but 'that' feeling is there...All to do with the potential bad news that my promotion interview wasn't the success I'd hoped it would be.

Getting bad news (or worse) like that or if you are feeling really down in the dumps is always going to be a real test. I find it especially difficult to see any positives and I want to reach for the nearest cream cake or chocolate bar because I, for some bloody reason, think they will make me feel better.

Anyway, I'm off to work to get said possible bad news but I'm going with a steely determination not to pig out...Must find an alternative to pigging out as and when I get bad news in my life.
 
Just want to say hello and congratulate on a great weight loss, what a good restart weight loss, well done!

hey, don't be thinking or feeling the worst case scenario, you just might be pleasantly surprised? Fingers crossed tightly for you :)

Good luck
 
whats the plan for losing 12.5lbs in a week then matie???? i need a LOT of help this week :D the pressure is on.

x
 
Welcome back!! I was hoping you'd return some day, everybody loved the honesty in your diary last time and I'm sure you will have us riveted once again.

Here's to a great 2012 xx
 
6th Jan 2012

Well, I was correct but what can you do? Hmmm, certainly not wallow in self pity for sure! - No promotion :(

Had a big dinner tonight: 3 bits of bacon (dry fried) with a heap of mushrooms, 2 eggs (dry fried), SW chips (although I cut them much thinner and made them french fries) and 2 sausages (the good kind)...yummy!

Had another look back over my threads from last year and I can recognise where I began to waver, where I began to use excuses to myself for falling off the wagon. If I'm honest I think a lot of it was to do with being selfish, so to speak. I didn't want to have to be good over Christmas (2010) and not indulge in all the usual fare. I couldn't have pigged out and gone and got weighed, putting on weight, without being embarassed and feeling like a failure...Because I had done so well, I would have felt like I was letting myself down maybe? Or perhaps I didn't want to be seen as a failure by others there....I'd done so well every week before then and if I had gone and put 6lbs on I wouldn't have been that special any more..Hmm, how stupid is that BUT that's where I was (in my mind) during December 2010.

I had forgotten just how much you can eat being on the SW plan. Had a fair sized (free) lunch today and a big dinner tonight. A + B eaten and my sins have been Marmalade (on my toast), 2 sausages at dinner, and a pack of Fruit Pastills..oh and a little spalsh of Brown (fruity) sauce on my dinner...Feeling stuffed now and hard to believe I'll lose weight eating like this lol...

Having said all that, I do want to cut down on my portion size...but a little too early into the game to do that.

Still doing fine with not smoking, quite strange that it's hardly bothering me at all. In fact, why isn't it bothering me? Thirty years a smoker and I'm hardly missing the things...long may that continue!!

(Still peeing for England btw)

Oh, I nearly forgot...I've started writing my life story thus far...From zero to present day...I'm about 30 in my 'book' now but taking a little break from it...May well post bits of it up here one day...

Edit....Hmmm, having a crap night...Upset over not getting promotion and a little niggly over not smoking, combing to make me feel like I'm being hard done by - feeling sorry for myself really...Best go to bed, have to let these feelings pass me by as one will only be tempted to reach for food...nope, not going to let that happen.
 
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Tuesday 10th Jan 2012

Have to admit to not being in the best of places right now...kinda taking not getting the promotion very hard. It's a case of 'if not now, then never' for me re moving up the ladder with this company. I'm faced with the prospect of being on the same level for as long as I stay or I need to change jobs...hmmmm, perhaps a change is better than a rest.

What's making all this that much harder is having to cope with such a huge emotional 'incident' without those crutches that have been there for best part of 30 years - eating and/or smoking. But even though I'm sat here preparing to go into the office (something which I really don't want to do), I have a saucepan of pasta on the boil ready to take in for my lunch.

I've been good enough with my eating and exercise this week - I've decided I'm not going to comprimise on my roast on a Sunday, believing it to be a good thing to allow oneself a treat once a week. So I did have a full roast dinner on Sunday and will continue to do that throughout this journey.

I'm going to stay strong in all this and not use not getting the promotion as an excuse to fall off from what I've started, but hell it isn't easy. Getting a lot of help from watching the three programmes that have started as weekly series on TV...They being 'A year to save my life' - and both the UK and US versions of 'The biggest loser' - although I am nowhere near as big as those on these shows, they do inspire me to keep going.

Not getting weighed in until 8:30 pm tomorrow night as I'm don't finish work until 8pm and by the time I get back I'll have to get weighed at the end of the meeting. Not sure how much it will effect my weight loss this week but as long as it's a loss, that's all that matters.

Right...time to go face the music and, whilst I'm at it, some of my emotional demons too. Sheesh, I'm glad I have this website to come and write on :)
 
Fantastic. Well done (on both accounts !)

Gail x

Sent from my iPhone
 
" having to cope with such a huge emotional 'incident' without those crutches that have been there for best part of 30 years - eating and/or smoking "

Hi Paul -I beg to differ if you thought they were crutches. Look at them instead as saboteurs! - they were actually double-agents and hardly had your best interest at heart did they?

I have been off the smokes for over a decade now, I don't really miss them. Occasionally I could just have one - I guess you'll never lose that, but it is probably more to see what it would be like, or it reminds me of a better time, such as my mother being alive etc.

As for the eating? - well you got far previously and will do again. You reach target (you will) and then tell me you miss all those "crutches" - besides, getting to target means you can "relax" - not too much though - don't do a "Steve" and pile on over a stone - easier to take off than 5 or 6, but you know what I mean.

I've reduced my target again to 10st 5lb - it was originally 11st 5lb!

Just enjoy the journey fella.
 
Great weight loss and well done on giving up the smokes.

Also well done again for being so open on here, sorry to hear about the promotion. Emotional eating is my biggest issue so I know where you are coming from.

Keep writing here when you can and allow minimins to be your new crutch, by writing your feelings here it hopefully helps you but definitely helps others

Teresa x
 
Sunday 15th Jan

Thanks for all the wonderful encouragement and kind words...Maximus, I can see where you're coming from re the 'double-agent' thing.

Been a funny two or three days...I feel like I'm over-eating but I haven't come off plan at all. Quite a few Green days in there, which means a fair bit of pasta, and I think that is what make it feel like I am...over-eating I mean. Either that or it's because I'm drinking so much water.

Did the usual 'dumb ass' thing to do Friday night and weighed myself..scales show no loss..I get pissed off..target seems so far away! Why, oh why, do I weigh myself? Having said that, target does seem so far away...dangerous road to be on this, got to stop thinking like that. Better still, just accept it's going to be 6 - 9 months and just get on and enjoy the journey.

I was chatting to a boss of mine at work the other day...She's into her 50's and had a stomach bypass operation just over five months ago and she was saying she'd lost seven stone already. As much as she's pleased with that, and as much as she knows she's only about five stone off where she wants to be, she admitted her mind set hasn't changed one iota...she still sees herself as she was before the operation.

We had quite an open chat about it actually, and there was me preaching to her just how dangerous it is not to change said mind set. I know people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones and all that but I wasn't just telling her for her own good, but to start getting my mind prepared for my own weight loss. I happen to believe that's where I went wrong six years ago when I'd lost the six stone I wanted to...didn't change the way I saw myself or how I felt about myself and I was doomed thereafter.

I'm still not smoking :D

I said a few posts ago that I might put bits and pieces up here from my life story book and I'm going to do that now...just a small extract which gives you an insight as to how my mind works sometimes... I'll start with the very first paragraph in said book and then skip to what I mean re getting an insight...

It all started during the evening of December the first 1964, well I say it started then but to be more precise it would have been around March of ‘64 somewhere in Malta. Dad was still in the Navy and he, Mum, Karen and Lynn were living there when I was conceived. Mum, from what I can gather, wanted me to be born in the UK so they moved back to Harrow (and in with Mum’s mum and dad) until I arrived. I was eventually eased [sic] in to the world about 12:30 am on the 2nd and weighed in at nine pounds, ten ounces........
.........As I continue on with my story, I know the next few memories are also situations which were not particularly pleasant. Actually, this is something that I’ve taken with me into being a parent. There have been times when I/we were doing something with one or more of the boys and I found myself stood there thinking how sad it is that none of them, because of their ages at the time, were likely to remember whatever it was that we were doing. Of course there are photos, most people’s parents have pictures of their kids as kids and as time has moved on, videos and DVD’s as well. But I look through my Mum’s picture albums from the whole three years in America and I remember virtually nothing. Actually, as well as photos there are a number of 9mm cini-films. Dad seemed obsessed at the time and seemed to film all and sundry on there. Have to assume it was a ‘new toy’ thing. I have seen them many times in the past and fairly recently but, as with the photos, I remember little.

Even now I wonder if the boys will take with them into adulthood the memories of being scolded for doing something they shouldn’t have, as opposed (for example) to the first time they experienced a really heavy snowfall...they would have been two, four and seven at the time. The white stuff starting falling from the sky and as soon as there was a layer of snow on the ground I had them in coats, scarves and gloves and was out in the garden with them building a snowman and rolling out giant snowballs. It’s almost ironic that I’m sat here now second guessing what all their first memories from childhood will be.
 
I haven't been on here in a while, but so glad to see you back!
 
I was having this conversation yesterday morning with my hubby. We were discussing how we don't remember much from our early years. I've seen the old pictures and watched the cine footage that my parents filmed but it felt like I was viewing someone else's life. I don't remember any of it, all I recall is being told off and made to feel that I was a disappointment to them. It's obvious there were happy times and my parents loved me and my sisters when we were small but for whatever reason things changed as we grew older. Our childhood is what shapes us and determines how we react and deal with situations as we grow older it seems a real pity that we can't remember the good we just seem to focus on the negatives :(
 
Hi Paul

Did you realise (I just did that I am 2 days older than you November 29 1964 lol)

Thanks for not making a big deal of Chelsea's 1-0 win v rejuvenated Sunderland.;)

Did I tell you i recently finished my first book too?

Might read another next week!;)

Keep it going sunshine

Steve
 
Tues 17th Jan

Well, that's been a REAL tough two or three days...My Christ how I struggled the weekend just gone. I've had the weekend off work and most of it was spent in the house and I had to really battle to stop myself eating a pile of food I shouldn't be eating.

Not sure why this particular weekend's been so hard. I'm nearly three weeks into this SW way of life and I shouldn't be tottering at this point. I was really down and at one point my wife did ask me if I was taking on too much, what with stopping smoking and all, and perhaps I should consider only doing one thing at a time...Hmmm, that would be a choice and a half eh? .. Smoke or eat crap - it's a no brainer...I did neither.

(Still, at least Chelsea hammered Sunderland over the w/end)

I know I've been here before but I don't remember it being like this so early on in the piece- then again, I haven't given up smoking at the same time either! Still, as I said, I refused to give in to the demons and stayed strong, albeit that I had both a's, both b's and my full compliment of sins on every one of the previous three days.

(Bloody annoyed that something as 'light' as a small pack of quavers are 4 1/2 sins)

Anyway...felt much better during day today and very happy that I didn't crack. The good news is that the canteen at work have started doing omlettes to order, which is great news for me, not only because I really do like them but it's also another alternative.

For dinner tonight, I had two huge home-made cheese burgers (extra lean mince) with wholemeal rolls, lettuce, onions and some extra light mayo...Yummy and filled me right up- too full to even have a muller lite yoghurt.

Get weighed tomorrow evening, not really looking forward to it because I know I've eaten the maximum I should in points, have taken little exercise and have had lots of pasta etc on my green days...I must get some more recipes sorted and start planning my meals for the whole week.

So there I am at the minute...Over that mini crisis and have come out the other side relatively unscathed. I am determined to stay strong and to finally win some battles that, up until now, I have always lost. Got to stay focussed and got to believe that I..that's me myself I, can do this...I can achieve and I will, one day, look in the mirror and love the reflection which stares back at me.

Here's another little extract from my 'book' :)

Being a child of the 70’s makes me wonder if I was lucky to get away with not being smacked as and when I misbehaved. As I said, I certainly don’t recall my Dad ever hitting me and although I might have had the odd whack off my Mum with the wooden spoon, I think more times than not she would threaten me with it, as opposed to actually hitting me. I’m not suggesting every kid of the 70’s got beaten but it was far more accepted as being ‘normal’ than it is today. I’m not condoning it though, I think it’s an awful thing to physical beat a child and I’ve always tried to reason with my boys at each and every opportunity. That being said I do remember one time in particular where Mum did dish out one of her threats.

Once we arrived back in England we didn’t actually have anywhere to live and for a few months we were dotted around but not as a family unit. Mum and Bev were at one relative’s house, Karen and Lynn somewhere else and me and Dad at a different place. Eventually we were housed by the council and found ourselves in a three-bedroom flat in Rayners Lane, 11 Austin Avenue if memory serves. I was nine at the time, Beverley five or six but we still took baths together. So there’s me and Bev having a bath and she was playing with these three small plastic bottles she had bought back from America. One was red, one yellow and one Brown. Now Mum had warned me before about rude language and if she heard me again she would ‘wash my mouth out with soap’ which, as every parent knows, is an empty threat. Me being the cheeky sod I was, stared taking the piss out of Bev, teasing her by saying she’d taken a poo in the bath. I said this only because the brown bottle was floating on the top of the water and I thought it looked like a...well, like a poo. Not surprisingly I took it a little too far and made my sister cry, which meant my Mum come rushing in demanding an explanation for her tears. Before I had time to open my mouth Beverley told her what I’d said. Moments later I was hauled out of the bath, physically restrained by my Mum as she found a bar of soap (which was a violet colour and in the shape of a heart), and she proceeded to furiously rub it all over my teeth...I didn’t know whether I should laugh, cry or blow bubbles.
 
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Hey Paul - very well done on your loss, sounds like giving up the smokes and losing weight is very hard, but you are doing a sterling job!

x
 
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