We shouldn't:
Eat red meat, white meat, processed meat, meat generally nor should we eat animal by-products such as cheese, yoghurt, cows milk, goats milk, sheeps milk, asses milk (maybe that's just Cleopatra though). We shouldn't eat chocolate, biscuits, blue smarties or Jaffa cakes which are, for tax purposes, biscuits in disguise.
We mustn't:
Wear underarm deodorant, wear underwired bras, put our phones too close to our heads, wear skirts too short or stand too close to microwaves. We mustn't have sex outside of marriage, or sex within marriage except every other Friday with the lights out under the covers in the missionary position because we are British thank you kindly SIR. We mustn't smack our children if they are naughty, shout at our dog or offend our neighbours, all for fear of giving him/her/it a complex in later life. We mustn't drive our cars too often, or at all if its deemed socially too big for ones needs (yeah MFs I drive a 4x4) we mustn't run over cyclists or if we do we should go back and at least help them up again.
It is imperative that we do not:
Live beyond our means, step off the property ladder, spend ANY money on anything EVER that we absolutely, categorically do not need, satisfy a want rather than a basic need, buy a house just because we like it without regard to its future potential, let the petrol tank run so low the fuel light comes on, play with fire, play with fire again because the old adage about being once burnt is a load of tosh, let anyone see our weaknesses, cry in front of a stranger, consume aspartame in such minuscule amounts it wouldn't hurt an undernourished kitten, go to the cinema alone for fear of attracting the "just the one ticket please" pity, burn the candle at both ends, live to work and finally DO NOT forget to collect your £200 when you pass go.
I may never leave the house again.
