Sarah's Management Thread (August 12th - November 5th 2007)

Hi Sarah

It is great to read your post. I have been messing around with management since the 29th May. I say messing about as I feel that I have had great weeks and not so great weeks and when I have the not so great weeks and beat myself up and then cut back and did not grasp the whole food range available to me for that week.

I would then get weighed to find that I had either lost or gained a 1lb. Hardly the end of the world and I would say maintaining.

I have filled out from being skinny to slim my face is not gaunt anymore yet I weigh less than I did when I started management. I think it takes a while for the body to settle into its new weight.

I am now in abstinance for a week to recoup the excess lbs I have piled on while on holiday in Marbella. I totally went off the rails and knew what I was doing. I planned to pull back when I got back and I have my weigh in tomorrow night. I should be back into Ketosis today hopefully. So I am not beating myself up but I do not like being slightly over goal I do not like my clothes feeling tight. So it is a lesson learnt that I cant go back to crazy eating and I cant just eat what I want and stay slim I now know I have to be careful but I think for a holiday as long as I can pull back when I return home and shift the excess lbs then I will be happy.

I was thinking of applying the 80/20 rule so being good all week and then allowing a treat at weekends once I complete the 12 week programme. Not sure when that will be as I keep stalling at week 7 and not sure when I will feel ready to go onto week 8. I think once I am back down to my goal weight.

I will be reading your thread with much interest as you are mirroring my thought exactly. One thing that did strike a chord is the sweet tooth choc crave. I never had this before now I cant get enough of it. I have a chatterbox 24/7 well ok maybe 12/7 telling me how good chocolate looks and sweet things. I never had this before. I used to crave crisps and biscuits but they dont bother me now just sweets and chocs.

Anyway best go get ready for work

Jo
 
Remember, also, that once you start doing the muscle building/toning work you've mentioned before, you will fill out a bit.

I tried the Paul McKenna technique before when I saw it on TV. It worked for that day. The next morning it was gone. But then again, I really don't want any foods to be forbidden in the future so maybe I sabotaged that...
 
Feeling concave...weird day...listening to Beechy

Day 3 shopping

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Shopping for green things is lovely! Although amused that LL lists endive and chicory separately - they are the same thing after all...aren't they? Do they mean curly endive?

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Cajun Chicken salad on Romaine Lettuce

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The most exciting thing of all was the water with lime in it...much better than dinner!

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Day 4 dinner - lambs lettuce, 100g cottage cheese, 100g prawns, basalmic dressing, seaweed salt and black pepper, lemon juice and chicory leaves (great for scooping up cottage cheese!)

This meal is about double the protein you are supposed to have, but I have my reasons and will make my adjustments later if I am wrong.

The bath test

Yeah - so you know how you are supposed to know in the bath if you were meant to go on to management. Yeah - well in the bath I am now concave. I have never been concave - even when I didn't eat for two weeks when I was 15. And my thighs are finally slim. For the first time in my life I look down at my legs and don't see treetrunk hockey goalie legs - I see the showgirl legs my dancing chums used to say I had.

Things I can't talk about and being on a 'diet'

I have put myself under a lot of pressure I think. I may have to stop writing this thread here as I am not sure I can handle the comments - no offence, but maybe this is all better left to my blog as I am going through some really tricky times with the binge eating - but that said there isn't much material on how us recovering eating disorder kids cope with Management...I have to confess that Management is causing me huge traumas because although the reintroduction to food is actually a very pleasant experience, it is what I would consciously call 'diet food' and is the sort of stuff I would eat on a very strict diet. I know I have been on a very strict regime - but it was one without food - now I am eating things I would buy myself on a week of restrictions and it's causing all the old swings and rebellions of old diets. I feel like I am back on a diet again. I know I have to go through this to do my return healthily and effectively - I can see that the plan is beautifully worked out, but my brain has gone into DIET MODE. And they never worked for me before. Ugh - my head hurts with this one!

Beechy knows best

My favourite bit of Beechy wisdom is about raising your game. I have to get with the programme. If I don't attack it in the same way as I attacked the first month of Foundation...then - well.

I am also panicking about money yet again. I have to go and tackle the problem tomorrow morning - so props to me for that...I am achieving a lot, but my growth rate is terrifying me (along with the bodily shrinking).
 
Sandra - you really really have to make the film very powerful. If you make it very potent and vivid and actually feel it - you will actually gag as you do the exercise - you will then be totally off the trigger food for about 2 weeks to a month and then that feeling will moderate itself until you get that food completely into perspective so that you can take or leave it. It's amazing!
 
Jo - completely know how you feel - I used to be a strictly savoury muncher and now the sweet tooth on me is unbelieveable (never had one before!)

I've had an off day today. I have decided to detatch my emotions from these days and try to observe what I feel and why I do it and when I do it. I have a problem with Wednesdays - rest of the week is relatively easy - I assume it's something to do with the fact that it is classic diet 'break' day...so I think my brain is thinking that I am on a 'diet' again...

As I did this binge I noted that after the first few mouthfuls everything tasted totally wrong and each new food tasted exactly the same and 'wrong'. Funnily enough, when I had my actual LL meal it was delicious and I could stop when I was full. So at the moment I'm just observing my behaviour and not making any snap judgements, but I am determined to stick with this and try to break the cycle.
 
Dear Sarah

(Hello to everyone else, too.) I haven't been able to post on Sarah's thread, amazing and fabulous as it is - and it IS!, because I started Route to Management myself on Saturday and went completely and totally bonkers so had to withdraw.

I've had a really good Management meeting so will post properly in the next few days. In the meantime, Sarah, I will PM/email you.

Totally understand why you need time out so here's a BIG THANK YOU for starting the thread.

Mrs Lxxx
 
Mrs.

I will try to keep this up as it is a sort of distraction - but I noticed today at work that reading Minis caused quite peculiar behaviour in me...I assume it's just some external anxieties about other parts of my life that other people's issues and thoughts remind me of - but...well - I'm sort of drowning in thoughts and Management has to be ALL ABOUT ME!

I am not sure how LL is going to work for me now - My LLC has been shedding clients due to these long hiatuses and we'll lose our Sunday slot in September to the new Foundation group. Part of me is tempted to do management by the book but dropping the LL foodpack - and finiancial component after week 4. I realise now that I haven't been given the journal or the CDs or the development scrapbook...what the hell is all this money for!?
 
Hi Sarah

Yes, YOU must be the priority in all of this! That has been drummed into us. No CDs??? Terrible. Get those from HQ pronto and demand they send them to you, first class, recorded. You have paid for them - regardless of the franchise issue, they have have duty to you! As you know, any Development materials are not worth bothering with so just let HQ know you did not receive it.

I wish you well; stand back and give yourself some space. THAT would be a kind and loving thing you can do for yourself with immediate effect.

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxx
 
Just to let you know that after a fairly restless night and a good sleepfor 4 hours or so (!) and after throwing my breakfast chocolate pack round the kitchen (!!) and making another one, that I have come over all Scarlett O'Hara and decided that today is another day. That yesterday is done, today I will stick to the plan and just record.

Mackerel fillets are gently defrosting and marinating in brown rice vinegar, lemon juice, Kaffir Lime leaves and er - something else I've forgotten...

I read my Barefoot Doctor Liberation book which I last used 4 years ago whilst I was in full blown CBT. I opened the page to dealing with Money and also read up on Liberation from Addictions. I found some lovely thoughts which I will use to make my affirmation cards today.

I am also going to call my LLC's line today and ask her assistant if i can pick up the St Clements she didn't put in my bag (grrr) and my missing management materials. This hiatus is making me feel very vulnerable. I'll see how I go next week, but it's been a tough old time without any support and not having a locum when I expected one on Sunday has actually caused me more concern that I thought it had (rebellious child couldn't wait to run down the street with her bag full of packs like sh'd been let out early from school!)
 
Love u to bits sarah, you are some lady , thankyou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
I'm liking the Scarlett O'Hara simile - as I think you definitely look quite Scarlett O'Hara-ish.

Thinking of you and wishing you strength and happiness.
 
Just a quick HUG to you Sarah.

I really appreciate the way you think so deeply about these issues and then articulate them so well.

My LLC is away for a couple of weeks and we had the locum last night. We've had her before and she is lovely. BUT because she hadn't seen us in ages she just did a catch up chat with us. No counselling session. So in some ways it was nice but on the other hand it was back to the chats I had in my other development group, whcih just doesn't advance my thinking.

That Barefoot Doctor book sounds fab - I'm going to look it up. I think I need some resources to start working on myself for weeks like this when the session doesn't work for me.

Still, I am FINALLY back on track - have been completely abstinent for 2 days and properly back in ketosis. Also heading back to the gym...
 
The nicest thing that I observed yesterday was that the savoury, plain, home-prepared things I made for myself were 47 times more tasty (and dare I say it) comforting than anything I ate secretly or binged with.


I may forego Builder’s Tea lite and any sort of diet drink other than fizzy water with lemon/lime until I have my sugar crashes/feeding frenzies in check. Maybe we’ll reintroduce sweetened things when fruit shows up in week 3 just so that I have alternative sweet tastes to play with.


Fixating is a non-negotiable now – I do not do that. If I try to fixate on food I will stop the movie.


Introducing THE EVIL AND DEVIOUS CRAZY CAKE QUEEN

I have also decided to create a different movie – rather than picture the foods I crave, I will sublimate all cravings into a personification called The Crazy Cake Queen. She is a tall leggy blonde bubble-haired drag queen with enormous pink stilettos. If I start thinking about sweet stuff, I will immediately call her to mind and slap her in the face and then take all of the colour out of her image and shrink her down until she is very far from me. That’ll show her. I don’t need her or any of her pink, sugary friends! Even when I was fat I was never into pink sugary things! We’ve already established that almost every pound of my overweight could be attributed to every can of coke, packet of Walkers crisps and alcoholic drink I had ever had (three things I have not touched since Day 0 of LL and may never touch again with the exception of wine at meals – I certainly haven’t craved any of them during binge mode) – it was never about the sweet stuff! (Mrs. L and a very nutritionally aware colleague talked me through all of this today - all I can say is AVOID ANYTHING WITH SUGAR IN IT LIKE THE PLAGUE until it is introduced by the programme!!!!)


My favourite ways of seeing off the Crazy Cake Queen today include
  • Hitting her in the face with a frying pan
  • Shooting her with a blunderbuss
  • Picking up a big sharp scythe and watching her run, screaming.
Okay so it’s not in any of the books, but it bloody well works!


The other VERY important thing that I know and have down pat (yay for getting some of this right!) is that my behaviour will not make me fat or ruin this for me. I am not a recovering fat person, I am a recovering addict – I know I can control the addiction with foodpacks – I’m a champion abstainer!


I’m just not terribly good with controlling it when there are food choices just yet, but I will get better at that! I can’t be brilliant at everything! (This week
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I need to find ways to feel free. Like I said to myself a few weeks ago – when I start to act out of choice (adult mode) I am empowered, when I fence myself in and clip my wings and restrict my movements to keep me safe, I feel threatened and go into defensive mode. However, I did realise that by Christmas I will have reduced one of the scary bits of my debt quite significantly and although this autumn may not contain quite so much shopping as I’d planned, I don’t really need that – I’ll just spend time studying and hanging out with friends and getting to know my new life and then maybe get a fabulous wardrobe when I get the book deal!


I really need to empower myself at work. This is very important as it causes a lot of minor panics and traumas and triggers. I felt great today clearing the decks on a couple of tasks I usually hate and I managed to get 3 really sticky things sorted - so that gave me a nice kick.



When I feel hopeless, I need hope, when I feel inadequate, I need to feel competency. When I am lonely I need connection. Food is not hope, confidence or intimacy.



Day 5 dinner - A Smackerel of Mackerel - and er - a teeny bit of extra curricular nibbling…


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  • 100g Mackerel Fillets half ceviched (Mrs. - where are the accents on a Mac, did you find them?) during the day with lemon and brown rice vinegar. (Ceviche is cooking in citrus juices) - grilled on the George Foreman for 2-3 mins with clove of garlic chopped over it.
  • Romaine
  • Watercress rocket and spinach salad from Tesco
  • Celery
Dressed with a spritz of lemon juice, black pepper, salt and a splash of brown rice vinegar. Delish


About an hour later I had about 40g of cottage cheese with caraway seeds and pepper and a handful of other green veg. This was off plan but all allowed things - but still less calories than anything the Crazy Cake Queen might have had to offer!
 
Thank you for all of your support Sandra and Peridot (and sun, I think, on the page before) - fiddle dee dee it is lovely to read such nice things about lil old me (that's as far as my Scarlett O'Hara impression goes online)...especially after a wonky day!

Sandra - my book was Liberation which is not a very 'narrative' book and focuses rather a lot on the shiatsu/acupressure solutions to problems that usually require CBT solutions...you may prefer his Urban Warrior handbook - I think that one covers almost everything in his other books.

Go you with the gym...I've been a bit off track with that this week but I refuse to judge myself over it! I will get there!
 
Credit where it's due - Mrs. Lard

I'd just like to say that LL probably owe a certain Mrs. L a locum fee for her invaluable support to me today regarding sugar craving.

A huge hug (and I don't give virtual hugs ever!) for brilliant support when it was needed most - she really helped me to work out what was going on yesterday - I thought I'd lost my senses!
 
I have posted what happened yesterday in a separate thread and I will cover it in the blog - but I just wanted to record here that I binged yesterday and it was progressively worse than Wednesday's binge because at no stage could I stop it.

I really do feel out on a limb here - and I am worried that I am developing mentally and physically unsafe behaviour. I shall take today as it comes and may actually stay in abstinence today as I am at a video shoot for most of the day and I have hardly slept.
 
Day 9 Supper - Seafood in a basalmic vinegar and garlic reduction on some sort of salad in a bag and some radishes - very simple and very tasty

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Day 9 food was a nut crunch at work at 9am (first time I have been able to defer a nut crunch beyond waking up in ages!

at 12.30ish I had my veggie snack allowance - no dip and a thai chilli soup

at 7.15pm I ate a small head of chicory, a bit of my sardine remoulade (sounds vile - and was yesterday, but has got better overnight) a stick of celery, a couple of mushrooms and a bit of cauliflower - so a bit over my 'snack allowance' and fridge picking that I should have stopped because it was just because I was thirsty after the gym. And if I had been going to snack I should have sat down to do it - but I won't tell myself off and go 'ummmmm' at myself - I will just mark it as a good set of food choices, but could do better at the way and place that I ate it and should watch nibbling whilst preparing dinner.

Now here's a thing - if I am strictly honest, I was feeling full before I started eating but of course I found room! I would have loved to have put down my fork after two mouthfuls the way I felt was right, but a combination of the tastes and a voice telling me 'you'll be hungry later' and 'that's 1.50 worth of food you'll be wasting if you leave it' and I know now what the response should have been, but at the time - well - old habits die hard and the fact it I would have brushed over it in the past - recognising my schoolgirl errors is good enough for week 2 of my RtM quite frankly - my RtM is about being good enough and learning that if I have 3 chocolate bars in quick succession then, you know what, that's okay (not every day or every meal, mind!) Washing it down with a litre of ice cream and half a pound of guilt isn't...

So then I came back from the pub quiz and was ready to have a little pick and you know what? I didn't!!! I had a strawberry jelly (allowed) and a chocolate pack. No fridge picking - proper (if somewhat childish ;) ) supper! Progress!

Day 6 lunch
Oh and before it all went a bit awry on Friday this was my first solid lunch at work since January 5th!

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Note delicious work coffee on the side ;)
 
Lunch looks very tasty, I think the coffee needs work though ... and maybe a separate post such as Route to decent work coffee. Personally I take my own jar of Decaf, also it does look so much tastier in a china mug. Just kidding about the thread but the coffee does look in need of serious consideration LOL.
Well done Sarah keep up the great work
 
Haha Alan - my teammate would sympathise with you entirely - I did her a favour yesterday so she has to go out in the rain and get me my proper Caffe Nero coffee this morning. Something to look forward to after doing my difficult sums at work this morning!
 
I am so glad I logged into Minimins this mornin and read your thread. I am having a major guilt trip at the mo. I had a major sugar binge yesterday. My reason at the time I was feeling under the weather and very lethargic. No excuse. Anyway I am planning to stay in abstinance today and for the rest of the week then rejoin RTM at week 3. I need to visualise a sugar drag queen too I think though at the mo I want to do more than slap her a good shake and noose round her neck might do the trick

Why oh why do I keep returning to old habits???

On my way to work but Sarah keep up the good work it is nice to know I am not on my own in this journey (granted everyones journey is different) and you are a strength to me right now. I can do this and I will do this.

Also agree with Alan work coffees must be the same the UK over. I also take in my own

Best go got to get to work

Jo
 
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